There are bad ideas and then there are BAD ideas. Taking the early silent-era serial and turning it into a 1960's TV-level slapstick-fest was a BAD idea. Casting a vapid non-actress in the lead role was a BAD idea. Wasting the talents of excellent character comedians such as Thomas and Horton, ditto. Things get corny right from the start as a newborn baby is left on the steps of a Foundling Home and is given a bizarre little speaking voice. She grows up into Austin, who is looked after and coveted by fellow orphan Boone who is several years her senior (just how long can one stay in an orphanage anyway?!?) He deliberately blows every chance she has at adoption so that he can keep her near him. Finally, one of his stunts sets off a chain reaction that keeps the two of them parted indefinitely (and interminably) as they span the globe looking for each other and narrowly missing each other fairly often. Thomas plays a big game hunter who sets his sights on Austin and will do anything, no matter how preposterous, to get her. Horton plays an ancient millionaire who wants her as well... for his grandson who is one year-old! He determines that she should be cryogenically frozen until the boy is twenty-five, the better to go with her pert 19 years. On it goes as Boone decides to freeze himself as well, so that he doesn't get too old for her himself. The many, many vignettes are introduced with old fashioned title cards and the slapstick scenes are presented in fast-motion, to recall the way those old silents looked when they were played on contemporary projectors. The entire enterprise is forced, unfunny, tedious and tacky. Any laughs the film earns are purely unintentional. Boone is attractive and sings nicely, but hasn't got enough personal magnetism to put this mess over. Austin is pretty, but wears a ghastly Marilyn Monroe wig throughout and has no acting talent in the slightest. Thomas mugs and flails around; anything to inject the slightest amount of amusement into the jaded, tired story. Horton scores a few laughs simply through his irascible, crotchety, old manner. Camp plays Boone's right-hand man to no great effect, though it's a cruddy part anyway. Familiar faces show up occasionally such as Kasznar as a Russian official, Scotti as an Italian film director and Winfield, briefly shown as a native. Old pro Packer does the best she can with her role as the proprietress of the Foundling Home and has an amusing bit in which she pops up in the most unlikely of places doing menial labor. Even a familiar sound pops up such as when a young Sultan (ten years of age) tries to seduce Austin while the voice of Bullwinkle's pal Rocky the Squirrel comes out of his mouth! The film was scored by Vic Mizzy who wrote the music for "The Addams Family" and any five minutes of that admittedly juvenile show is more amusing than this entire movie. They had the benefit of a laugh track, at least, so that audiences knew when to chuckle along. This dog has no such luck.
Review of The Perils of Pauline
