This movie got a shudder out of me before it even started. I saw the logo for The Asylum come up and I knew immediately that I was in for 90 minutes of cheap, irritating horror film-making. I've come to associate that logo with some of the worst genre movies ever. Worse than Roger Corman's Concorde label, worse than Avi Lerner's NuImage, worse than Charlie Band's Full Moon... yes, even worst than Lloyd Kaufman's Troma label. The Asylum is, hands down, the worst cheap movie horror outfit in the history of cinema in my opinion. So, as I said, the logo came up and I shuddered involuntarily. But that was the only scare of the whole movie.
The Asylum is true to form with ALIEN ABDUCTION. The early scenes of a crew of campers out in the woods are poorly lit, poorly acted and poorly edited. About ten minutes in, our hiking quartet is attacked by a bunch of lizard-alien-monster things. It looks like the suit came from a B-movie clearance house. It might have been a leftover Godzilla suit for all I know. The filmmakers apparently knew that the suit was ridiculous because they coated it with bad CG prismatic colors. Haven't seen that done since "Darkhunters".
So after the alligator aliens capture our hikers by throwing stuffed pantyhose at them (I'm not kidding - watch the movie), the screen goes black for a second and then we meet our four hikers again inside the alien spaceship. Our female protagonist keeps filming everything with her Handicam to give the movie that "real" quality. Because so often, when I'm abducted by alligator aliens, I feel the need to capture the whole experience for posterity. They try to escape, the alligator aliens catch them and eviscerate them, throwing intestines all over the place with bloody glee.
Cut to some sort of Government Secret Hospital. Our heroine is the only one to have survived the experience and she has no memory of what happened to her. Her doctor tries to jog her memory with pictures of aliens and flying saucers, but to no avail. Meantime, Ilsa the She-Wolf watches from behind the mirror and makes all kinds of arch statements like, "I don't like her. Terminate her." The doctor begs for just a little more time. Our heroine manages to escape from her captors and her clothes several times over the course of the movie. After an hour, I had seen the heroine's breasts so often that I was starting to memorize her freckles.
So our heroine runs around, taking off her shirt, trying to avoid aliens and help her friends (who are in fact alive!) escape from the institution. There's a particularly enjoyable scene where a doctor comes in to a room where one of the aliens is strapped to a table. The doctor says, "I need sperm" and then grabs the alien's family jewels and squeezes them until some liquid soap comes out and drips all over the heroine's face. It's just a hair away from being the infamous "money shot" from a porno movie.
If you manage to endure 70 minutes of this, you will see the final confrontation. But when our heroine finally faces off with Ilsa, guess what.... our topless hero is not really a human at all! In a startling reveal that you will not see coming if you sleep through the first hour, we find out that our heroine is actually an alien sleeper agent! At this point, the movie tries to become a poor man's version of Impostor - but if Phillip K. Dick heard me say that, he'd probably roll in his grave. Obviously somebody at the Asylum watched the Gary Sinise/Dimension version of Impostor and thought, "Let's do that, but with alligator men! We'll call it Alien Impostor! No, wait, that will give away the twist.... how about ALIEN ABDUCTION!"
The Asylum is true to form with ALIEN ABDUCTION. The early scenes of a crew of campers out in the woods are poorly lit, poorly acted and poorly edited. About ten minutes in, our hiking quartet is attacked by a bunch of lizard-alien-monster things. It looks like the suit came from a B-movie clearance house. It might have been a leftover Godzilla suit for all I know. The filmmakers apparently knew that the suit was ridiculous because they coated it with bad CG prismatic colors. Haven't seen that done since "Darkhunters".
So after the alligator aliens capture our hikers by throwing stuffed pantyhose at them (I'm not kidding - watch the movie), the screen goes black for a second and then we meet our four hikers again inside the alien spaceship. Our female protagonist keeps filming everything with her Handicam to give the movie that "real" quality. Because so often, when I'm abducted by alligator aliens, I feel the need to capture the whole experience for posterity. They try to escape, the alligator aliens catch them and eviscerate them, throwing intestines all over the place with bloody glee.
Cut to some sort of Government Secret Hospital. Our heroine is the only one to have survived the experience and she has no memory of what happened to her. Her doctor tries to jog her memory with pictures of aliens and flying saucers, but to no avail. Meantime, Ilsa the She-Wolf watches from behind the mirror and makes all kinds of arch statements like, "I don't like her. Terminate her." The doctor begs for just a little more time. Our heroine manages to escape from her captors and her clothes several times over the course of the movie. After an hour, I had seen the heroine's breasts so often that I was starting to memorize her freckles.
So our heroine runs around, taking off her shirt, trying to avoid aliens and help her friends (who are in fact alive!) escape from the institution. There's a particularly enjoyable scene where a doctor comes in to a room where one of the aliens is strapped to a table. The doctor says, "I need sperm" and then grabs the alien's family jewels and squeezes them until some liquid soap comes out and drips all over the heroine's face. It's just a hair away from being the infamous "money shot" from a porno movie.
If you manage to endure 70 minutes of this, you will see the final confrontation. But when our heroine finally faces off with Ilsa, guess what.... our topless hero is not really a human at all! In a startling reveal that you will not see coming if you sleep through the first hour, we find out that our heroine is actually an alien sleeper agent! At this point, the movie tries to become a poor man's version of Impostor - but if Phillip K. Dick heard me say that, he'd probably roll in his grave. Obviously somebody at the Asylum watched the Gary Sinise/Dimension version of Impostor and thought, "Let's do that, but with alligator men! We'll call it Alien Impostor! No, wait, that will give away the twist.... how about ALIEN ABDUCTION!"