Review of The Net

The Net (I) (1995)
It Couldn't Happen to You
9 February 2002
Wow, when I first saw this movie, I was blown away at what a waste of money it was. Shame on Sandra Bullock for signing on for this tired, predictable, hideously unrealistic mess of a film. Oh yes, I know that when I picture a reclusive computer nerd, Sandra Bullock is the image pops into my mind. And I also am quite impressed with the whole "It could happen to you" premise, which only makes sense if you happen to know exactly three people, like the protagonist in this film. I suppose it really wouldn't be too hard to erase someone who hardly exists to begin with. I am also definitely blown away by the whole "if it's plugged in, its under their control" setup, which makes total sense when you think about it. In this film, even computers which would have no reason to be anything but a stand-alone, are totally under the control of the omnipotent bad guys. Right on. I hate this movie on so many levels that in writing about it my biggest problem is that I simply don't know which element of it I want to complain about first. Now maybe if they'd set the whole thing in the future, at least we could write it off as totally science fiction, but since we're set in the good old present, its totally open to criticism and boy does it deserve it.

To sum up, the entire plot is centered around the hope that the audience knows absolutely nothing about computers, the main character is incredibly miscast, the conclusion is horribly convenient, and once again, the premise is horribly unbelievable. What luck that the protagonist has virtually no friends, and only one family member who is so stricken with Alzheimer's disease that she doesn't even know her own name. Yes, this further reinforces the scary, "It could happen to anyone" premise. Because when you get right down to it, who in this world really has more than three friends? No one as far as I see it, so yes, Sandra Bullock's plight in this film is universal. So thank you, Sandra, for touching all our lives with a story that not only informs us as to the dangers of incredibly fictional, only-in-the-movies type cyber-badguys, but it also lets us know how close we all are to being erased.

When I retire some day, I'm going to devote all of my free time to seeing that ever single copy of this worthless film is stamped out of existence. Until then however, all I can do is recommend to potential viewers that they watch a more believable computer-based film, something like Hackers (1995), for example. At least that one was laughably ridiculous. The Net, on the other hand, is good for absolutely nothing. It is absolutely useless. How did this film ever get made? What a pile of s**t. Damn.
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