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Real name: Joe Wawrzyniak
Hair: Rapidly receding, but what's still left is dirty blonde & often uncombed
Eyes: Piercing blue. Not exactly Meg Fosterish, but leaning in that striking direction
Favorite hat: Fedora, a man's hat
Favorite shirt: loud Hawaiian shirts, the uglier the better
Favorite pants: Khaki, usually rumpled
Date of birth: June 1st, 1972
Homestate: New Jersey, where both myself and the drive-in were born
Height: 6 feet, 2 inches, very tall
Weight: 183 pounds, really thin
Nicknames: The Woodman, The Woodster,
The Woodmeister, Awesome Anders
Mr. Wood, Woody A, Good Ol' WA, Woods,
Woody Baby (ladies only, please)
Persona: Film nerd and damn proud of it
Voice: Deep, oily, soothing pus ooze late night disc jockey tenor
Favorite song: "Una Paloma Blanca" 2005 remix by George Baker
Motto: "If you wanna be the s**t, you gotta know your s**t. Otherwise, you ain't s**t."
Religion: Godless heathen atheist and proud of it, too
I'm especially fond of horror and exploitation movies. I think the 70's was the best-ever decade for film. Watch a lot of cult movies and drive-in films; the sleazier and/or weirder they are, the more I dig 'em. Enjoy out of the mainstream independent films, rock pics, sci-fi end-of-the-world items and made-for-TV movies as well.
Just to stop my life from being too dull I have a little sideline hobby singing downhome Southern-fried country and western music. I'm the lead singer/songwriter in a funky band called Hillbilly Joe and the Jersey Bumpkins. We're a bunch of s**t-kickin', fiddle-pickin', banjo-pluckin' rowdy rednecks who love to spit, chew, screw and drink Mountain Dew (and I ain't talkin' 'bout the soda). We perform at truckstops, greasy spoons, swap meets, flea markets, seedy honkytonk dives, trailer parks, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and especially church social gatherings every Sunday afternoon. Songs we perform include such good, clean, wholesome family numbers as "Thank God I'm A Country *beep* "On the Floor Again," "I *beep* Your Sister and She's A Lousy Lay," and "The Wife Beating Song." The latter charming ditty I wrote in fifteen minutes at the tail end of a severe weekend whiskey bender. The lyrics are as follows:
I punch the dawg
I kick the cat
I beat the wife
With a bat
She called the cops
I'm in jail
Spendin' the night
Can't pay bail
While I'm here
I really hope
My hairy cellmate Bubba
Don't drop the soap
Now, isn't that a truly special song just ripe to bursting with wit, warmth, tasteful humor and a teeming surplus of poignant heartfelt humanity? Your darn totin' it sure is. Keep watching "American Idol" because I'm gonna be on it any day now.
I also act in hard-core porno films under the alias IGiveYouMyWood. Among the hard-core movies I've starred in are "Layin' the Ladies," "Stickin' It to Your Sister," "Lovin' My Cousin" (a Hillbilly Joe favorite), and the sentimental yuletide classic "Santa's Special Sausage." All these films and many more can be ordered from the following website: www.getmywood.com.
Moreover, I'm a shameless hack writer who does numerous film reviews and articles for such underground publications as "Vex," "Cult Movies" (my article on Bigfoot films was nominated for a Rondo Award in 2003, but alas I didn't win), "The Exploitation Journal," "Screem," and "Shock Cinema." I also write album reviews for a local Garden State rock zine called "Jersey Beat."
I average at one film comment a day on the IMDb and even write snappy little bios on such lesser known actors and actresses as Vic Diaz, Victor Israel, Joy Bang, Michael Ironside, Michelle Stacy, James Whitworth, Frances Raines, Roberta Collins, Rick Dean, Candice Rialson, Monica Gayle, Harley Cross, Bill Thurman, Michael Sopkiw, Nicholas Worth, Jennifer Ashley, Sondra Currie, Bruno VeSota, Sharon Kelly, Tim Thomerson, Tony Musante, Lina Romay, Pamela Franklin, Kelli Maroney, Jewel Shepard, Starr Andreeff, and Patty Shepard. I've also written bios for such directors as Richard Compton (R.I.P.), my good friend Keith Crocker, William Lustig, Jeff Lieberman, Jeff Burr, Fred Dekker, Kevin S. Tenney, Lewis Teague, Jack Arnold, Lee Frost, Don Edmonds, and Gary Sherman. In a pitiful attempt at displaying range and versatility, I've whipped up bios for longtime favorite singer/songwriters Kim Carnes, Carol Connors, Jackie DeShannon, John Prine, Joe South and Tony Joe White, country singers Dave Dudley and Eddie Rabbitt, blues singer/guitarist T-Model Ford, rock'n'roll guitarists Davie Allan and Link Wray, and crime novelist Charles Willeford. In fact, I have over 1,000 mini-bios posted all over the IMDb and am currently listed as #3 in the IMDb statistics top twenty list of writers on mini-bios. Plus I add pieces of trivia and quotes for folks all over the IMDb (one of the folks I've added several quotes for is none other than Fred Astaire!). Hell, I even add magazine interviews, pictorials and cover photos, too. And TV commercials, too. I'm not a prolific writer; I'm just a guy who writes a lot.
I would love to hear from film fans the world over. I hope you enjoy my writing and comments.
I own more DVDs than I care to list and have seen more movies than I would care to admit to. I average three or fours DVDs a week, so my collection gets bigger and bigger all the time. Before you ask, I store my DVDs in a very large basement. I also store the bodies of stray drifters I pick on the way home from work in my basement as well. Wait a minute; forget that last sentence. I actually eat as much of the bodies as I can (thus saving money on food so I can buy more DVDs) and burn what I can't eat in my incinerator (thus saving money on heating as well). When in Jersey be sure to stop by my house. I'd be glad to have you over for diner. However, you wouldn't be a guest in my house; you would be the main course instead. Cheers!
Angels' Brigade (1979)
Enjoyable drive-in romp
Seven fetching young ladies form a special squad so they can wage war on dope pushers. Of course, the gals incur the wrath of ruthless local drug kingpin Burke (neatly played with slimy élan by Peter Lawford). Director Greydon Clark, who also co-wrote the derivative, yet serviceable script with Alvin L. Fast, relates the entertainingly silly story at a zippy pace, maintains an engaging breezy'n'easy lighthearted tone throughout, milks plenty of amusing goofy humor from the delightfully campy "Charlie's Angels"-type premise, and stages the explosive action set pieces with gusto to spare. Singer Susan Kiger, endearingly ditsy school teacher Jacqueline Cole, feisty stunt woman Sylvia Anderson, petite karate expert Lieu Chinh, spunky teen Liza Greer, tough cop Robin Greer, and foxy model Noela Velasco are all quite sexy, vibrant, and appealing as the titular dynamic heroines. Moreover, the lively acting from a bang-up cast of dependable veterans keeps things humming: Jack Palance as smooth hit-man Mike Farrell, Neville Brand as cranky police chief Miller, Jim Backus as bumbling right-wing fanatic Commander Lindsey March, Alan Hale Jr. as jolly manager Manny, Pat Buttram as an amiable car salesman, and Arthur Godfrey as himself. In addition, Clark movie regular Darby Hinton has a funny secondary part as wormy drug dealer Sticks. Dean Cundey's slick cinematography boasts all kinds of snazzy stylistic flourishes and provides a pleasing sunny look. Both Gerald Lee's funky-throbbing score and the bouncy soundtrack hit the get-down groovy spot. An immensely fun flick.
The greatest horror movie ever made about a killer mutant cat on board a yacht
A deadly mutant cat escapes from a Florida research lab. The ferocious feline finds its way onto a luxurious yacht and proceeds to terrorize the motley assortment of passengers aboard said yacht. Boy, does this gloriously ludicrous honey possess all the right wrong stuff to qualify as a real four-star stinkeroonie: The ham-fisted (mis)direction by always dependable schlocko specialist Greydon Clark (who not only also wrote the supremely asinine script, but also makes a cameo appearance as an ill-fated doctor at the start of the flick), the laughable premise, the uproariously shoddy (far from) special effects (the cat is a pathetically obvious puppet that resembles a huge wet rat!), the cheesy gore, the tacky redundant synthesizer score, and the jaw-dropping "it ain't over yet!" sequel set-up non-ending all provide a wealth of unintentional belly laughs. The welcome presence of three down on their luck faded name thespians slumming for a quick paycheck further enhances the overall campy merriment: Alex Cord as smooth sleazeball high roller Walter Graham, George Kennedy as the grouchy Mike Harvey, and, in a positively sidesplitting turn, Clu Gulager as the pitiful Albert, who's a hopelessly wimpy and browbeaten psycho nerd complete with buck teeth and coke bottle glasses. As a tasty extra plus, sexy babes Shari Shattuck and Clare Carey both look smoking hot in revealing bikinis. "Assault on Precinct 13" star Austin Stoker pops up in a small part as a Caribbean officer. Only Nicholas von Sternberg's slick and fluid cinematography manages to effectively surmount the pervasive cruddiness. An absolute crummy hoot and a half!
A weirdly accurate snapshot of the early 50's South
Chicken farmer John Floyd (likable Boyce Brown) has a one night fling with lonely diner waitress Nell (pretty Paula Haywood). Unfortunately, john contracts syphilis from Nell and subsequently gives it to his pregnant wife Liza (the stilted, yet still earnest Marjory Morris). There's no arguing that the endearingly amateurish acting by a cast of rank nonprofessionals leaves plenty to be desired, but at the same time this oddly works in the film's favor: Although these folks couldn't act their collective way out of a soggy cardboard box, they nonetheless look, sound, and act like the simple small town country folks that they really were. The use of real everyday people to play basically themselves provides a remarkable authenticity that more polished movies with accomplished professional thespians tend to lack: These aren't a bunch of actors and actresses pretending to be average working class Jacks and Jills; instead, it's the genuine article doing their proverbial best to act as well as they possibly can -- and that in turn gives this picture a special kind of appealing verisimilitude. The use of actual existing practical locations, thick regional accents, and overall rough quality of the filmmaking all further enhance this peculiarly convincing sense of realism. An interesting item.
Fun drive-in romp
Hot rod enthusiasts Mark (amiable Darby Hinton) and Lynn (a winningly brash and spunky performance by yummy blonde Diane Peterson) get involved with a hardcore group of drag racers known as the Hi-Riders. After a drag race results in the tragic accidental death of a local hothead, the boy's vengeful rich father (an effectively venomous turn by Stephen McNally) vows to exact a harsh revenge on the Hi-Riders. Writer/director Greydon Clark relates the enjoyable story at a zippy pace, maintains an engagingly breezy'n'easy tone for the first two thirds of the picture, and stages the rubber-burning car races, rough'n'tumble fisticuffs, and wild vehicular carnage with rip-roaring aplomb. Moreover, Clark blends elements from such can't miss exploitation cinema sub-genres as biker movies, redneck revenge films, and, naturally, car chase outings into one heck of a tasty and energetic mix. The titular fiercely loyal and rowdy gang are a lively and colorful bunch, with Wm. J. Beaudine as cool level-headed leader T.J., Roger Hampton as belligerent slob Billy, and Brad Rearden as the scruffy Toad registering strongly as definite stand-outs. Several name thespians in nifty secondary parts further enhances the overall happening entertainment value: Mel Ferror as the sensible sheriff, Neville Brand as crusty bartender Red, and Ralph Meeker as bumbling deputy Mike. Dean Cundey's bright widescreen cinematography provides a pleasing sparkling look. Gerald Lee's funky-throbbing score hits the get-down groovy spot. The gnarly rock soundtrack totally smokes, too. A total blast.
Not Wanted (1949)
Moving and absorbing drama
Ditsy and naive teenager Sally Kelton (a sound and appealing performance by Sally Forrest) falls for sullen and rootless itinerant piano player Steve Ryan (smoothly played by Leo Penn). Steve runs out on Sally, but only after he impregnates her first. Ashamed and abandoned, Sally checks into a home for unwed mothers and gives her baby up for adoption. Directed with commendable taste, restraint, and sensitivity by Elmer Clifton and Ida Lupino (who also co-wrote the thoughtful script with Paul Jerrico), this engrossing and affecting drama thankfully avoids any heavy-handed preachiness or lurid sensationalism considering its subject matter. Instead this film displays a genuine compassion for its wayward, yet still sympathetic protagonist while illustrating the strict mores of the era as well as serving as an effective cautionary tale on the perils of falling for the wrong person. Moreover, it's exceptionally well acted by an able cast: Forrest brings a winningly scatterbrained charm to her character, Penn makes for a suitably moody louse, and, best of all, Keefe Brasselle delivers an excellent, engaging, and delightfully energetic portrayal of helpful and goodhearted disabled nice guy war veteran Drew Baxter. Henry Freulich's stark black and white cinematography makes artful use of fades and dissolves. The score by Leith Stevens does the dramatic trick, too. Worth a watch.
Are You in the House Alone? (1978)
Neat little made-for-TV woman in jeopardy thriller
Sweet and beautiful high school student Gail Osborne (a solid and personable performance by the fetching Kathleen Beller) finds herself being terrorized by a persistent stalker. Gail's life soon gets turned topsy turvy as a direct result and she tries to figure out the psycho's identity before he attempts to do something nasty to her. Director Walter Grauman, working from a compact and compelling script by Judith Parker, relates the absorbing story at a steady pace, builds a good deal of suspense, and grounds the premise in a believable everyday working class reality. Moreover, Grauman and Parker not only do a nice job of credibly showing how being the unwilling recipient of a stalker's attention can make one edgy and unsettled, but also tackle the relevant topics of rape and stalking in a tasteful and provocative manner. In addition, this picture warrants additional props for its admirable refusal to provide any simple pat answers to some serious legal and social issues as well as for its bold decision to conclude on a surprisingly downbeat and cynical note. The sound acting by a fine cast helps a lot: Blythe Danner as Gail's preoccupied mother Anne, Dennis Quaid as smug and cocky rich jerk Phil Lawver, Tony Bill as Gail's earnest, but ineffectual father Neil, Robin Mattson as Gail's perky gal pal Allison Bremer, Tricia O'Neil as sensible lawyer Jessica Hirsch, Alan Fudge as creepy photography teacher Chris Elden, and Scott Colomby as amiable nice guy Steve Pastorinis. Jack Swain's sharp cinematography gives this film an impressive polished look. Charles Bernstein's shuddery score does the shivery trick. A worthy item.
Nifty retrospective documentary
This forty-four minute documentary offers an interesting and informative chronicle on the making of the offbeat indie dark comedy "The Hazing." The people interviewed are director Douglas Curtis as well as cast members Jeff East, David Hayward, and Jim Boelsen. Hayward reveals that he was cast because of his recent work in Robert Altman's "Nashville" and hence didn't have to audition for his role. Jeff East acknowledges that this movie marked a key transition from doing family fare for Disney to more challenging grown-up work and subsequently got him the part of young Clark Kent in "Superman." East also reveals that he had just lost his brother prior to acting in this picture. Boelsen admits that this movie will always have a special place in his heart because it was his acting debut; he talks about how he first met producer Dick Davis while working at a furniture store and convinced the filmmakers to give him an "introducing" credit at the start of the film. Everyone remembers Charles Martin Smith as a total professional and Brad David as a sweetheart in person with an uncanny knack for nailing the arrogant essence of his evil character. Not surprisingly, everybody was smitten with fetching actress Kelly Moran. Director Douglas Curtis praises the first assistant director for keeping him on track throughout the shoot and notes that everyone averaged twelve hours per day on the picture. Curtis also points out that the film received mostly favorable reviews and did pretty well at the box office despite the fact that it only had a limited theatrical release. Worth seeing for fans of this movie.
Really peculiar, yet still enjoyable blaxploitation item from Greydon Clark
White former GI Jim (a decent and likable performance by director/co-writer Greydon Clark) goes to the dangerous black ghetto neighborhood of Watts, Los Angeles to deliver a letter from his black soldier friend who died in Vietnam. Jim soon finds himself dealing with hostility from both whites and blacks alike. Director Clark, who also co-wrote the sincere script with Alvin L. Fast, offers a strange, but still entertaining blend of straight drama and trashy exploitation: While Clark makes fine use of the gritty urban locations and astutely pegs the tense nature of race relations in the turbulent early 70's (Clark also deserves bonus points for depicting racism as something that both races fall prey to), he also really pours on the sleaze with a handful of tasty female nudity and a wild swinging pool party complete with hot buck naked skinny dipping babes. The earnest, if rather clunky, acting by the game cast keeps this film on track: Tom Johnigarn as the angry and antagonistic Makimba, Jacqueline Cole as Jim's perky and concerned girlfriend Nancy Dorian, Bambi Allen as the sweet Bobbi, and Fred D. Scott as Makimba's worried father Mr. Washington. Aldo Ray and Jock Mahoney are perfectly hateful as a couple of brutish bigoted cops. The jolting moments of ferocious violence and the uncompromising bummer ending pack a mean punch. Cinematographer Louis Horvath's use of a hand-held camera adds an extra kinetic buzz. Ed Cobb's mellow bluesy score does the right-on groovy trick. An interesting oddity.
Harsh and effective disaster survivalist outing
A fierce cyclone storm forces a commercial plane to crash as well as a fishing vessel to sink. The survivors of both catastrophes finds themselves stuck on a small boat with a bunch of other folks in the middle of the shark-infested sea. Things soon turn dire after food and water supplies begin to dwindle. Director/co-writer Rene Cardona Jr. does an expert job of crafting a strong mood of pervasive dread and groom, maintains a grim tone throughout, and wrings a good deal of tension from the unsparingly bleak premise. Moreover, Cardona Jr. presents a dark and despairing portrait of both the savage fury of unmerciful nature and the base desperation and shocking monstrousness of mankind in an increasingly hopeless life or death situation: The people stuck on the boat not only kill and eat a small dog, but also eventually resort to cannibalism to prevent death from starvation. The refreshing lack of any sappy sentiment and the overall blunt'n'basic quality of the filmmaking give this picture a certain raw impact and potency. The solid cast of familiar European exploitation faces rates as another substantial asset: Andres Garcia as a heroic ship captain, Hugo Stiglitz as the stalwart airplane pilot, Carroll Baker as a pampered rich lady, Lionel Stander as a crusty businessman, Arthur Kennedy as a selfless and disapproving priest, Olga Karlatos as a pregnant woman, and Mario Almada as a resourceful fisherman. Leon Sanchez's proficient cinematography makes the most out of the cramped and claustrophobic boat setting. Riz Ortolani's funky pulsating score hits the right-on groovy throbbing spot. Nasty stuff for sure, but still gripping and crudely satisfying just the same.
Game Show Models (1977)
Not your standard mindless soft-core romp
Disaffected dropout Stuart Guber (a solid and likable performance by John Vickery) decides to rejoin the mainstream rat race by leaving his performance artist girlfriend Josey (sweetly played by pretty blonde Diane Thomas) and accepting a job in the PR department at a major record label. However, Stuart soon becomes disillusioned with the shady wheeling and dealing of the whole plastic Hollywood scene. Writer/director David Gottlieb neatly captures the seamy, superficial, and duplicitous cutthroat dog-eat-dog nature of behind the scenes show business in Los Angeles: Gottlieb addresses such pertinent issues as racism, sexism and the objectification of women in the entertainment industry, homosexuality, and compromising one's values in a smart and compelling manner. Moreover, Gottlieb makes excellent use of various LA locations and makes a provocative central statement about how show business ain't exactly what it's cracked up to be. The sound acting by the capable cast helps a whole lot: Diane Sommerfield as the naive and spunky Cici, Gilbert DeRush as sleazy CEO Roger Feinstein, Nick Pellegrino as smarmy executive Arnold, and, best of all, the always delightful Dick Miller in an especially stand-out turn as an unctuous low-rent game show host. Look fast for 70's B-movie starlet Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith in a fleeting uncredited bit role. The crisp cinematography by Alan Capps provides an attractive bright look. The funky syncopated score by Willie Bobo and Christopher Robin Culver hits the eclectic groovy spot. Worth a watch for fans of offbeat 70's fare.