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Real name: Joe Wawrzyniak
Hair: Rapidly receding, but what's still left is dirty blonde & often uncombed
Eyes: Piercing blue. Not exactly Meg Fosterish, but leaning in that striking direction
Favorite hat: Fedora, a man's hat
Favorite shirt: loud Hawaiian shirts, the uglier the better
Favorite pants: Khaki, usually rumpled
Date of birth: June 1st, 1972
Homestate: New Jersey, where both myself and the drive-in were born
Height: 6 feet, 2 inches, very tall
Weight: 183 pounds, really thin
Nicknames: The Woodman, The Woodster,
The Woodmeister, Awesome Anders
Mr. Wood, Woody A, Good Ol' WA, Woods,
Woody Baby (ladies only, please)
Persona: Film nerd and damn proud of it
Voice: Deep, oily, soothing pus ooze late night disc jockey tenor
Favorite song: "Una Paloma Blanca" 2005 remix by George Baker
Motto: "If you wanna be the s**t, you gotta know your s**t. Otherwise, you ain't s**t."
Religion: Godless heathen atheist and proud of it, too
I'm especially fond of horror and exploitation movies. I think the 70's was the best-ever decade for film. Watch a lot of cult movies and drive-in films; the sleazier and/or weirder they are, the more I dig 'em. Enjoy out of the mainstream independent films, rock pics, sci-fi end-of-the-world items and made-for-TV movies as well.
Just to stop my life from being too dull I have a little sideline hobby singing downhome Southern-fried country and western music. I'm the lead singer/songwriter in a funky band called Hillbilly Joe and the Jersey Bumpkins. We're a bunch of s**t-kickin', fiddle-pickin', banjo-pluckin' rowdy rednecks who love to spit, chew, screw and drink Mountain Dew (and I ain't talkin' 'bout the soda). We perform at truckstops, greasy spoons, swap meets, flea markets, seedy honkytonk dives, trailer parks, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and especially church social gatherings every Sunday afternoon. Songs we perform include such good, clean, wholesome family numbers as "Thank God I'm A Country *beep* "On the Floor Again," "I *beep* Your Sister and She's A Lousy Lay," and "The Wife Beating Song." The latter charming ditty I wrote in fifteen minutes at the tail end of a severe weekend whiskey bender. The lyrics are as follows:
I punch the dawg
I kick the cat
I beat the wife
With a bat
She called the cops
I'm in jail
Spendin' the night
Can't pay bail
While I'm here
I really hope
My hairy cellmate Bubba
Don't drop the soap
Now, isn't that a truly special song just ripe to bursting with wit, warmth, tasteful humor and a teeming surplus of poignant heartfelt humanity? Your darn totin' it sure is. Keep watching "American Idol" because I'm gonna be on it any day now.
I also act in hard-core porno films under the alias IGiveYouMyWood. Among the hard-core movies I've starred in are "Layin' the Ladies," "Stickin' It to Your Sister," "Lovin' My Cousin" (a Hillbilly Joe favorite), and the sentimental yuletide classic "Santa's Special Sausage." All these films and many more can be ordered from the following website: www.getmywood.com.
Moreover, I'm a shameless hack writer who does numerous film reviews and articles for such underground publications as "Vex," "Cult Movies" (my article on Bigfoot films was nominated for a Rondo Award in 2003, but alas I didn't win), "The Exploitation Journal," "Screem," and "Shock Cinema." I also write album reviews for a local Garden State rock zine called "Jersey Beat."
I average at one film comment a day on the IMDb and even write snappy little bios on such lesser known actors and actresses as Vic Diaz, Victor Israel, Joy Bang, Michael Ironside, Michelle Stacy, James Whitworth, Frances Raines, Roberta Collins, Rick Dean, Candice Rialson, Monica Gayle, Harley Cross, Bill Thurman, Michael Sopkiw, Nicholas Worth, Jennifer Ashley, Sondra Currie, Bruno VeSota, Sharon Kelly, Tim Thomerson, Tony Musante, Lina Romay, Pamela Franklin, Kelli Maroney, Jewel Shepard, Starr Andreeff, and Patty Shepard. I've also written bios for such directors as Richard Compton (R.I.P.), my good friend Keith Crocker, William Lustig, Jeff Lieberman, Jeff Burr, Fred Dekker, Kevin S. Tenney, Lewis Teague, Jack Arnold, Lee Frost, Don Edmonds, and Gary Sherman. In a pitiful attempt at displaying range and versatility, I've whipped up bios for longtime favorite singer/songwriters Kim Carnes, Carol Connors, Jackie DeShannon, John Prine, Joe South and Tony Joe White, country singers Dave Dudley and Eddie Rabbitt, blues singer/guitarist T-Model Ford, rock'n'roll guitarists Davie Allan and Link Wray, and crime novelist Charles Willeford. In fact, I have over 1,000 mini-bios posted all over the IMDb and am currently listed as #3 in the IMDb statistics top twenty list of writers on mini-bios. Plus I add pieces of trivia and quotes for folks all over the IMDb (one of the folks I've added several quotes for is none other than Fred Astaire!). Hell, I even add magazine interviews, pictorials and cover photos, too. And TV commercials, too. I'm not a prolific writer; I'm just a guy who writes a lot.
I would love to hear from film fans the world over. I hope you enjoy my writing and comments.
I own more DVDs than I care to list and have seen more movies than I would care to admit to. I average three or fours DVDs a week, so my collection gets bigger and bigger all the time. Before you ask, I store my DVDs in a very large basement. I also store the bodies of stray drifters I pick on the way home from work in my basement as well. Wait a minute; forget that last sentence. I actually eat as much of the bodies as I can (thus saving money on food so I can buy more DVDs) and burn what I can't eat in my incinerator (thus saving money on heating as well). When in Jersey be sure to stop by my house. I'd be glad to have you over for diner. However, you wouldn't be a guest in my house; you would be the main course instead. Cheers!
Famous T & A (1982)
Delivers what it promises
In the days before the Internet and websites like Mr. Skin, horny dudes who wanted to see their favorite female celebrities in the buff had to settle for watching compilations like this saucy little number. Among the ladies featured in nothing but their birthday suits are Ursula Andress, Jacqueline Bisset, 70's drive-in movie goddess Claudia Jennings, Uschi Digard, Ornelli Muti, Vanity (as D.D. Winters), Edy Williams, Jane Birkin, Laura Gemser, and Cassandra Peterson (a.k.a. Elvira the Mistress of the Dark). Aficionados of the delectable Phyllis Davis and her awesomely ample physical attributes will be in hog heaven thanks to the yummy outtakes from both "Sweet Sugar" and especially "Terminal Island" (full frontal alert on the latter!). Fans of the family sitcom "Eight is Enough" will appreciate the fact that cast regulars Joan Prather and Laura Walters are both seen sans clothes. Better yet, there's some choice racy footage of the enticing Laura Jane Leary riding a motorcycle bottomless. The clips are culled from such Grade B exploitation fare as "The Singles Girls," "Truck Stop Women," "Auditions," "Fairy Tales," "The Manhandlers," "Secrets," "Tanya's Island," "Dr. Minx," and "Confessions of Emanuelle." The always smoking hot Sybil Danning handles her hosting chores with considerable sultry aplomb, plus brandishes a sword as well as looks positively smashing in a skimpy bikini and thigh high white leather boots. Essential viewing for celebrity skin enthusiasts.
Xue di zi (1975)
Worthwhile historical martial arts opus
The evil and corrupt Emperor Yung Cheng (a marvelously ruthless portrayal by Yang Chiang) commissions a new deadly and seemingly unstoppable weapon known as the flying guillotine. After elite squad member Ma Teng (a solid and likable performance by Kuen Tai Chen) objects to the immoral killings done with the guillotines and decides to defect, Cheng sends the other members of the assassination squad to track Teng down and kill him. Director Meng Hua Ho relates the enjoyable and engrossing story at a snappy pace, doesn't skimp on the bloody'n'brutal violence, stages the action scenes with flair and skill, offers a meticulous and convincing evocation of the period setting, and even sprinkles in a little tasty female nudity for good measure. Kuang Ni's surprisingly meaty script nicely explores the significant themes of guilt, honor, loyalty, morality, and betrayal. The lavish sets and costumes provide an impressive sense of scope. The titular contraption rates as one seriously nasty and fearsome piece of lethal work. The lovely Wu Chi Liu brings a winning blend of charm and substance to her role as the sweet and sympathetic Yu Ping. Hui-chi Tsao's crisp widescreen cinematography gives this film a handsome and expansive look. Fu-ling Wang's dynamic and dramatic score hits the stirring spot. A really sound and satisfying Shaw Brothers outing.
Oriental Blue (1975)
Excellent 70's hardcore gem
Madame Blue (ably played with wicked aplomb by Peonies Jong) runs an underground white slavery racket with ruthless efficiency. Her henchmen abduct fetching young women from off the streets and subject them to all kinds of carnal pleasure before giving the girls over to Madame Blue. Director Bill Milling and writer Valentine Mu Rana completely follow through on the lurid potential of the sensationally seamy subject matter: We've got gals drugged with aphrodisiacs, voyeurism, lesbianism, three-ways, submission, and degradation along with the more conventional fellatio, cunnilingus, and straight copulation. The topflight cast of familiar East Coast 70's porno perennials helps a whole lot: Bree Anthony as naive hick chick Antea, Bobby Astyr as conniving hustler Max, Jamie Gillis as suavely slimy troublemaker Brock, C.J. Laing as Madame Blue's subservient pet Angel, Kim Pope as a pretty actress, Alan Marlow as the nerdy Conrad, Terri Hall as a sensual French lady, Steven Lark as the evil and decadent Stephen, and Juliet Graham as a ravishing willing blonde. This picture earns extra praise for its fine use of gritty New York City locations and an amazingly audacious soundtrack of popular (and unlicensed!) songs that includes Lalo Schifrin's score for "Enter the Dragon" and Linda Ronstadt's "You're No Good." Mu Rana's remarkably slick and well lit cinematography provides an impressively polished look. Mandatory viewing for fans of the Golden Age of adult cinema.
Everybody was kung-fu fornicating!
Without a doubt one of the single most uproariously silly porno oddities to emerge from the loopy 70's, this one merges your standard sexathon with the then trendy martial arts craze with positively ridiculous and hence quite sidesplitting results. A young prostitute (gorgeous brunette Bree Anthony) gets raped in the woods by a group of scuzzy guys who include a giggly Bobby Astyr and the ever-sleazy Jamie Gillis. Fortunately, the hooker gets taken in by a secret sect of beautiful distaff kung-fu masters who teach her all about the erotic side of the martial arts (i.e., these ladies meditate buck naked until smoke comes out of their vaginas and make out with each other a lot). Director Bill Milling pokes hysterical fun at the glaring shoddiness of low-rent chopsocky fare: Hilariously obvious dubbing, cheesy protracted slow motion, hokey narration done by some dude with a phony and unconvincing Chinese accent, tacky freeze frames, wonky editing for the fight scenes, jarring use of music (Anthony gets raped to jaunty hillbilly bluegrass music!), and even the unavoidable arduous training montages. The smoldering presence of the always delicious C.J. Laing as the martial arts teacher provides plenty of heat. The bright cinematography gives this flick an attractive sunny look. A total hoot and a half.
An offbeat, unsettling, and interesting 70's horror outing
Spoiled and pampered wealthy Manhattan socialite Norah Benson (a fine portrayal by Shirley MacLaine) discovers that her younger brother Joel (an excellent and convincing performance by Perry King) is possessed by the vengeful and malevolent spirit of a deceased Puerto Rican serial killer. Worried about her sibling's well being, Norah delves deep into the mysterious and frightening world of the religion Santeria to find a way to save Joel's soul before it's too late. Director Waris Hussein, working from an absorbing and incisive script by Matt Robinson and Irene Kamp, firmly grounds the fantastic premise in a thoroughly plausible everyday urban reality, with authentically gritty New York City locations, a clear delineation between the haves and the have nots, and a fascinating exploration of the basic theme of believers versus nonbelievers as well as a provocative examination of the pertinent issues of bigotry and ignorance. The scenes with the snobby Norah being forced to leave her fancy sheltered upper-crust surroundings and deal with various low class ethnic types that she would usually avoid having anything to do with give this picture a bitterly pungent sense of harsh socioeconomic realism. Moreover, a bold incest subplot and the genuinely alarming climax with Joel terrorizing Norah and her two children with a switchblade provide an additional jolting edginess, with the single most shocking and disturbing moment occurring when Joel makes his nephew Peter (extremely brave work by David Elliott) strip and dance nude on a table. The sound acting from the able cast keeps the movie on track, with especially praiseworthy contributions from Lovelady Powell as pragmatic psychiatrist Erika, Barbara Trentham as Joel's swinging hipster girlfriend Sherry, Miriam Cohen as helpful housekeeper Veronica, and Edmundo Rivera Alvarez as sage Santeria priest Don Pedro. Arthur J. Orwitz's sharp cinematography and Joe Raposo's syncopated shivery score are both up to speed. Recommended viewing for those seeking more unusual and adventurous fright fare.
Widow Blue! (1970)
Seriously deviant and demented porno splatter shocker
Two extramarital affairs lead to alarming outbursts of savage violence and wanton sex in this truly unhinged "only in the 70's" hardcore outing that combines graphic gore and raunchy copulation into one singularly off-kilter mix. Writer/director Walt Davis happily plumbs super sick depths in jaw-dropping tastelessness: Amorous couples not only do the deed on a bed alongside a freshly slain corpse and on top of a coffin, but also one hapless lass bites off a man's penis (ouch!) while performing fellatio on the guy and chokes on the dude's dismembered member. Yep, this beautifully bent'n'berserk baby takes a convoluted soap opera-style plot to its most deliriously trashy and delightfully outrageous extreme, with shoddy sub-Herschell Gordon Lewis splatter, seamy gay and straight sex scenes, hammy acting, and a blithely twisted'n' scuzzy tone. Fortunately, the hilariously gross sense of pitch-black humor and jolly feeling of absolute depravity ensure that this sordid outing is more amusing than offensive, although it certainly helps if one has a penchant for uncompromisingly warped 70's alternative cinema. It also helps that sexy and attractive hardcore regulars Andy Bellamy and Sandy Dempsey are along for the crazy ride, plus John Holmes and his famously enormous phallus pop up (and out) for a group orgy set piece. Maney White's stark no-frills cinematography provides a suitably grimy look. A real sleazy pip.
Evil Come Evil Go (1972)
Beware of the sins of pleasurable sex
Totally bonkers traveling evangelist Sister Sarah Jane (robustly overplayed with lip-smacking relish by Clara O'Hara) embarks on a deranged holy mission to rid the world of sex-obsessed men. After befriending naive, but wealthy lesbian Penny (a winningly sincere performance by pretty and busty brunette Sandra Henderson), the pair decide to embark on a crazed killing spree in Hollywood, California. Writer/director Walt Davis illustrates in the most gloriously lurid manner imaginable how religious fervor can directly lead to homicidal dementia by piling on plenty of grotty gore and seamy quasi-pornographic soft-core sex. The grungy locations, off-kilter story, and overall pervasively loopy sensibility further enhance the bizarre charm of this singular 70's exploitation oddity. Moreover, O'Hara has an absolute field day with her juicy role; she's a total hoot to behold as she sounds off on the wickedness of engaging in pleasurable sex and sings gospel songs with infectious go-for-it gusto. Legendary porn stud John Holmes makes a fleeting appearance as a pool player in a low-rent bar. Manuel Conde's rough unpolished cinematography provides an appropriately scroungy look. Dan Goodman's jaunty honky-tonk score hits the spirited spot. Good trashy grindhouse fun.
Strong horrific episode
The Casavin family suffer from an unusual curse that makes all of them unable to get intimate with anyone that they love. Director Frank De Palma, working from a morbidly compelling script by Edithe Swenson, relates the darkly intriguing story at a steady pace and maintains a grimly serious tone throughout. The sound acting by the able cast keeps it on track: Joe Cortese as the protective Nicholas Casavin, Catherine Parks as the troubled Gina, Scott Lincoln as the smitten and sympathetic psychiatrist Dr. Jeffrey Webster, and Julie Ariola as the concerned Miranda Dean. A bold incest subplot and the surprisingly bloody'n'gruesome violence give this show an extra unsettling edge. The surprise bummer ending packs a really startling punch, too. A worthy closer for the second season.
Oriental Baby Sitter (1977)
The delectable Linda Wong excels in this right-on hot 70's porn vehicle
Beautiful young May Ling (the incredibly lovely and sultry Linda Wong) gets introduced to a whole new world of sexual pleasures as a director result of her babysitting job. Director Anthony Spinelli does a sound job of crafting a dreamy erotic atmosphere and maintains a brisk pace throughout. The sex scenes manage to be quite explicit without ever becoming too raunchy. Best of all, this movies makes for an excellent showcase for the late, great Mrs. Wong: Blessed with breathtakingly comely looks and a magnetic sensual presence, Wong demonstrates her impressive prowess with fellatio, gets vigorously sodomized, and participates in steamy lesbian trysts with lithe blonde Dory Devon and luscious long-haired looker Christine Kelly. The mellow score hits the soothing spot. The bright cinematography provides an attractive vibrant look. Essential viewing for Linda Wong fans and 70's hardcore aficionados alike.
Neat crash course on the deliciously deviant Nazisploitation genre
This compilation offers twenty-three trailers of assorted Nazi-themed exploitation flicks that cover everything from scuzzy Italian fare ("The Beast in Heat" in particular rates highly as one of the single most outrageously appalling atrocities to ever ooze onto celluloid) to horror movies to the inevitable and unavoidable "Ilsa" series. The trailers are all presented in segments, which gives this compilation a cohesion that these type of affairs usually tend to lack. Naturally, the Nazi babes section provides some of the choicest scorching titillation while the neo-Nazi portion ventures into other sub-genres with entries that include the blaxploitation blast "The Black Gestapo," the biker outings "The Tormentors" and "Hell's Bloody Devils," and the simply insane Eurotrash riot "Mad Foxes." Better still, the horror segment smokes in no uncertain terms, with fun trailers for the spooky "Shock Waves," "Death Ship," the gloriously ghastly "Zombie Lake," the nifty 50's romp "She Demons," and Joel M. Reed's "Night of the Zombies" starring legendary 70's porn stud Jamie Gillis (!). Alas, hostess Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee just doesn't cut it in the wrap-around segments: She's not only hopelessly wooden and seriously lacking in any captivating screen presence, but also totally mangles the German language and sports an excessive amount of tacky tattoos that make her look more like a trashy biker babe instead of a tough Nazi she-wolf. That aside, this compilation still delivers more than enough nudity, rape, torture, degradation, and brutal violence to appease even the most jaded and demanding grindhouse cinema aficionado.