gvis Reviews

The Most Dangerous Game (2022)

I fast forwarded it and it was still too long.

[1/10 · 5 November 2023]

Ok, first of all I have never heard of this "CT" dude nor did I care to. I just watched this because I love the human prey type of movies and watching the original was not an option for me.

Well... this movie is bad. Like real bad.

The movie starts with the main protagonists on a ship, at least if the movie characters didn't tell you you wouldn't knbow. Yeah, even a budget for a CGI ship was too much. Fast forward and all of a sudden they are stranded on a remote island, without being shown what happened to the ship.

They come across this German villian (played by Casper van Dien, who shows why his career went nowhere) who invites them for dinner with a long boring conversation. Fast forward, they (main protagonists) are used as hunting prey. Despite being hunted they still find time for chatter and introducing themselves to each other. I was just rooting for them to be shot !!!

The rest is just endless talking and loitering around. No sign of being hunted or any type of excitement. Oh and what is up with all the WW 2 flashbacks all the time ? Yeah we get it, he's a traumatized veteran no need to show it millions of times.

I just fast forwarded it at the end, realizing this movie wouldn't get any better. Simply avoid.

A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

A bit silly but still an entertaining watch

[7/10 · 29 October 2023]

A horror movie anthology that centers around 4 stories related to Christmas (except 1 which actually isn't).

Story 1: a very unoriginal story of young guys breaking into an empty building on Christmas eve. Not very orignial and not even very Christmas related but oh well. The lesser story in my opniion.

Story 2: Santa fighting off his elves turning into zombies. Sounds silly ? Wait for the end !

Story 3: a family steal a Christmas tree from a grove only to find out their son isn't the same anymore. Not a very orignial story either but I still liked it.

Story 4: a family visit their in-laws, and come into confrontation with a malevolent Christmas entity. Likely made in the wake of the Krampus movie.

Some reviewers complained that the story were interwoven and shown simultaneously, but that didn't bother me.

Not a masterpiece but you can do worse compared to the schlock that's made in the horror genre.

The Gatehouse (2016)

Mind boggingly awful ! Too gruesome for children, too stupid and silly for adults.

[1/10 · 29 October 2023]

This movie really doesn't know what it wants to be. Although at first glance a "folk horror" movie (as it is called these days) the movie immediately unfolds as a sort of dark fairy tale for child and teen audience. The problem is the movie is simply too explicit (in language and gruesome scenes) for younger audiences but too silly if not downright stupid for adults.

The acting is atrocious with the exception of the main character Eternity (who names his children like that ??). Even though she is incredibly annoying, at lteast the actress does a good job of making the best of the silly material she is given. She doesn't seem iompressed if some make-up wearing freak (a supposed 'witch', another of the many ridiculous scenes in the second half of the movie) shows up at her front door, nor if the 'monster' shows up in her bed room.

After like 3/4 of the movie I simply couldn't care anymore. I'm surprised I'm the only 1 star review here. Just avoid. I really wish I could get a lobotomy to erase this piece of garbage from my mind.

Naked Fear (2007)

It looks low-budget and stupid and it is.

[1/10 · 16 October 2023]

Ok I admit; I was misled by the more positive reviews of his movie. I was already skeptical because the concept looked silly, and it turned out I was right. I can't believe there is only one 1 star review,

The story takes way too long to pick up. The first 35 of 40 minutes are endless talking

The acting of nearly everyone except the roommate was terrible. Especially the main protagonist we are supposed to root for. Not only is her acting terrible, she shows little common sense or any way to outsmart her enemy. And there is very little action or excitement to be found.

It looks like a silly b-grade exploitation movie and that is what you get. Just avoid.

Primal Rage (2018)

Starts ok then slides into crap

[3/10 · 16 September 2023]

Some dude is released from prison, meets up with his fiance/wife and then theyd rive into the woods, get into an accident and they are stranded in the woods ofcourse along with redneck hunters and some 'scary'bigfoot like creature.

The first major mistake this movie makes is exposing the creature way too early, thereby ruining the entire suspence that made movies like Predator so good. The creature already countless changes to kill the main characters but decides not to... instead it takes a small piece of hair of the female character en then disappears into thin air.

When you think the movie finally starts to catch on, it suddenly drags way too long after the witch is introduced and they start this indian ritual. The killings are moslty dull and almost slapstick.

The only positives were teh nice shots of the wilderness and the special effects.

Pompeii (I) (2014)

A cut above some other (B) movies I've seen in this genre

[7/10 · 8 June 2023]

Ok, if you think this is awful, go watch the movie Amazons and Gladiators (2002). You will never complain about this again.

Okay, seriously, I don't understand the negativity this movie receives. Granted, it isn't original but I have see way worse.

The story is jut as usual: another man is taken prisoner by the (evil) Romans, forced to fight, forges an alliance with other "freedom fihters", falls in love with a higher status Roman woman and the rest I won't spoil.

The acting was decent, fights were okay, the props and effects were nice and it wasn't plagued by cheesy dialogues and unneccessary sex scenes, like in the Sartacus serie. I a no Roman historian so I can't comment on the historical accuracy,bu let me tell that I saw no major anachronisms. You'd have to be a total grumpy history geek to complain about it. My only complaint would be the overuse of theword "Celt" (people in the ancient world didn't identify with these ethnic labels).

It isn't a historical drama, but a fun action/adventure movie it is.

Troy (2004)

Good, but does not reach the level of Petersen Das Boot

[7/10 · 16 January 2023]

The budget for this movie was 200 million USD. The largely computer generated voyage of a thousand ships was is not totally clearly visible from bird-eye view and when the camera panders quickly over the ships, but during standstill it is clearly visible.

Brad Pitt portrays a distant, almost cynical Achilles here, who alter also gets more empathic traits. At first, it seems Achilles is only interested in establishing his name. He wants to be remembered for eternity. Pitt took the preparations for his role obviously serious. As a chiseled Achilles he spent quite some time in the gym it seems. Especially in the duel with Hector (played by Eric Bana) Pitts athletic qualities shine through. This scene is filmed skillfully. Close ups and total shots exchange each other and Peterson never falls into the trap of showing over explicit carnage.

After defeating Hector, Achilles ties him behind his chariot. Later, king Priamus tries to appeal to Achilles' sense of remorse. Then for the first time his sense of human traits start to shine through.

Achilles promises a truce for 11 days, and here the famous part with the wooden horse starts. The wooden horse is well made and the figth withing the walls of the city are nicely filmed, although the CGI shows the city of Troy alrger tahn it really was. This isn't problematic, even Homer himself is knwon to have exeggarted.

The movie isn't completely loyal to the story (like all movies based on books). In the end we see Achilles getting shot in his heel by Paris. In the book, Achilles already dies before the city is taken. That Achilles after being shot has a long chat with Briseïs, is a minor mistake that can be forgiven.

The somewhat overkill of (minor developed) characters makes this movie grand in it's view of purpose but never really gets the viewer taken into the story.

Bloody Hell (2020)

Bloody hell ? Bloody Awful !!!

[1/10 · 6 January 2023]

I watned to see this movie after reading all the positive reviews here on IMDB. Oh well...

A guy who accidently kills an innocent bystander. He gets an 8 year prison sentence (no idea if that is correct in the US) and after he is released he suddenly turns into a celebrity> Yes that's right. He is followed by dozens op papperazi who apparently have nothing better to do than follow nobodies released from prison in Boise ID.

The main character develops some annoying imaginery alter ego to talk with, but his alter ego is screaming most of the time. The main character wants to escape the US and end up in Finland, where he suddenly wakes up trapped and gagged inside a Finnish couple's basement. The alter ego appears again, talks and screams the whole time with himself combined with a lot of quick cuts and shaky camera that get on your nerves very quickly. All the time I sat there waiting for something exciting to happen.

After halway the movie with nothing going on I gave up and switched this off. Although intended as a comedy I didn't laugh once. And it never got scary either. Total faillure.

Ready or Not (I) (2019)

Succesful black comedy/horror hybrid

[7/10 · 28 December 2022]

Ready Or Not can best be described as a black comedy with an strong horror seasoning. It won't go down in history as the scariest movie of all time, but there are still plenty of moments that will have you on the edge of your seat. The special effects are well done too.

You will laugh watching this movie. Bu you will also cringed a few times from the bad decisions of the main character (like in all horror movies) not to mention get irritated from the hysteric screaming of Grace. I didn't know much about it going in. I honestly couldn't pick how it would end which means I was interested the whole way through.

I liked all of the performances, especially those of the sick twisted Domas family and their in laws. They had interesting characters. Andie MacDowell and Henry Czerny were great too. Everyone was. Only Samara Weaving's screaming toward the end go on my nerves.

I really enjoyed this movie. I honestly don't understand all the 1 and 2 ratings. Even if you didn't like it, it doesn't deserve that low of a rating. It was just a really fun movie to watch. Give it a chance.

One Shot (III) (2021)

Meh...

[5/10 · 20 December 2022]

One Shot is watchable, but does not rise above B movie status.

For starters, there are a lot of these insurgents to have come out of this lone truck and they're people not bots. They keep doing the exact same thing repetitively, even though the guy in front of them died instantly. Too much of it is just dull stationary shooting without plot and the actors underutilized. It ends abruptly too, so it's all for naught. How a film's made, or what an actor does outside the film to play a role, doesn't change the product, unless of course it improves it.

The prison looks like it was shot in some vacant office building. THe main characters do little more than bickering at each other, wich gets tiring quickly.

Again, not awful but not great either.

Terrifier (2016)

Slasher movie with no pretensions

[6/10 · 27 September 2022]

So, as a person who had a huge phobia for clowns as a child I just watched his movie. If I saw this movie as a kid I would be scared out of my wits.

The story is as simple as a slasher can get: an evil clown who is mute goes on a killing spree on Halloween night. His first two victims are of course two brainless bimbos of which the first is killed in a very gruesome fashion (hats off to the special effects department). The other victim escapes and the typical slashfest ensues, with victims making dumb decisions while they still somehow stay alive

A mentioned, Art the Clown is a mute who doesn't make a single sound. In the beginning it adds to the creepiness,but it wears off after a while, and the clown becomes goofy and just downright dumb after a while. And yet, like all slasher villains he manages to appear at the right time in the right place all the time.

Fun movie for a halloween popcorn night, but nothing revolutionary.

Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021)

Terrible

[3/10 · 12 July 2022]

No idea why my reviews are getting declined the whole time, I didn't violate any rules.

I did not enjoy this movie. The main characters were (unlikable) kids who got on my nerves and never had th charm o the men in the original. The story isn't original either; it's a rehash of the original 1984 movie but in a different setting. Also, the movie is way too long with very little happening in between.

I really hope Hollywood stops this cash grab remakes, although I'm afraid they won't learn. Even though this movie wasn't as bad as the 206 reboot, it's still terrible. No idea why this got such a high rating.

VFW (2019)

Cheesy retro wannabe filmed through a potato.

[4/10 · 16 March 2022]

Apparently lousy quality resembles "retro" these days. Don't be fooled, this movie is average at best.

A bunch of grumbling old farts sit in a bar when suddenly they learn that a large stash of drugs has been hidden inside and a group of dope fiends want it back by any means possible. The fiends then lay siege on the bar and the old farts urn into Rambo army and fight back with a lot of gore and bloodshed.

The story and characters aren't much as you can see, that's fine, after al this movie isn't supposed to taken too seriously. Unfortunately, the production and script are terrible. The movie is way too dark and half the time you have no clue who is killing who. Not that it really matters, most of the fights scenes aren't worth much to being with. A lot of half assed swinging of weapons covered b blood and gore, which is the movie's main gimmick. There is also some annoying girl thrown in that doesn't add much to the story but gets on the viewers nerves.

Don't be fooled by the whole retro hype around this, or the comparisons to (the way better) Escape From NY/LA movies. I was, and I regret it.

A Night of Horror: Nightmare Radio (2019)

Not the worst anthology I have seen...

[4/10 · 6 December 2021]

.... but far from the the best.

Althouth not as awful as Southbound, it still isn't good. I can deal with the wooden acting of the Radio host, but not with the lame stories. And that's where a (horror) anthology stands or falls.

While the make up and effects are well done, the sstoies never excited or scared me. I gave up after the third story.

If you're interested in a real good horror anthology go watch Mortuary Tales.

The Forever Purge (2021)

Woke trash.

[1/10 · 3 December 2021]

Out of all the Purge movies, I only liked the second one. And that says more about how awful the others were. The first was just a cliché slasher movie, the second was a step in the right direction (a dystopian action thriller) the third was just ok but the absurdities (a girl who can't afford a candy bar can afford golden AK's ?) and the way too biased political overtones ruined it for me. The fourth Purge (aka the first Purge) I couldn't even finish, let alone this one.

The movie starts with poor helpless Mexican crossing the US border, it already sets the tone for the rest of the time. Then we have this native American dude preaching all this love and tolerance crap to those 'dumb ignorant white masses' it was painful to watch. The moment I really lost it was when that old farmer (whatever his name was, I don't care) started blabbering about "the rich get richer at the expense of the poor since we stole the land from the Indians blablabla". If you want to preach to your audience at least come up with something more original than this.

Even if you look past the political nonsense it's still a half assed movie. I never cared about any of the characters or the story, there is barely anything exciting going on. The story just drags along with some occasional violent scene covered up with some pseudo-political message just to keep going.

I'm fine with political/social commentary in (horror) movies, but don't shove this kind of woke junk in my face. I can always watch the Karen movie for that.

The Tsunami Warrior (2008)

Asian prate martial arts movie

[6/10 · 12 August 2021]

Calling this an Asian PotC rip off would not be fair, since this movie clearly stands on it's own.

THe movie takes place in Malaysia somewhere (I think) around 1800. The main protaginist is a young amn named Pari who wants to be taught in the magic art of Du Lum, a sort of sorcery that uses water and the sea as it's ain element. At the same time the coast is threatened by a pirate named Black Raven (his English name is used througghout the movie, no idea why). He as well as the defending army are searching for a mighty bronze cannon that sunk to the sea many years ago.

While by no means bad, the script is sometimes extremly messy and confusing, switching from persons and scenes too many times. Especially in the first half I didn't know who was attacking who and for what reason. It's a shame really because the props and production values are amazing.

Watch this movie if you are into nautical adventure movies but don't expect a master piece.

Jason and the Argonauts (1963)

Amazing adaption of one of my favourite Greek legends.

[8/10 · 1 August 2021]

An amazing film, especially for it's time, of one of my favourite Greek stories.

Tood Armstrong plays Jason, the son of the king of Thesalia (sp?) who goes on an epic journey on the ship the Argo and it's crew, the Argonauts, to find the legendary golden fleece in Colchis.

This movie is really a cut above most other sword and sandal epics of it's time, and that is visible in the high quality props. The ship looks amazing, and so do the costumes and special effects for it's time.

You won't forget the scene where Poseidon seperates the rocky passage and the final battle with the skeleton army (only the scene with the harpies was where the the special effects looked a bit dated). And all of it is filmed in a great background that really looks like the mediteranean.

I just don't understand why no modern and up to date high budget Hollywood (not counting the hallmark version, which is also good but with a low budget) version has been made yet of this great epic story.

Jungle Cruise (2021)

Indiana Jones meets Jumanji meets Pirates of the Carribean

[7/10 · 31 July 2021]

Hey, it's from Disney and it has The Rock in it, what did you seriously expect ? Well, that's what this it, just a harmless silly but entertaining adventure movie. It is basically a mix of Indiana Jones and PotC and Jumanji. The main storyline of the first (adventurer seeking a lost mythological land and treasure) and the mythological monsters and humour of the second and the dangerous jungle setting of the third.

The movie is well paced but a bit uneven, sometimes a little too fast for my liking with the camera not really showing what's going on, and sometimes slowing down with slow talking parts that take a little too long.

If you're looking for some good harmless fun on a saturday night with a box of pop corn, you can't go wrong with this. Just don't expect Oscar material of course.

Voyage of the Unicorn (2001)

Well made for it's time and budget, but too childish for adults.

[6/10 · 29 July 2021]

I first saw this movie when I was a teen. This week I decided to give it a second go and review it.

A professor with a positive message is coping with the loss of his wife along with his two daughters. Suddenly they are transported into another fantasy realm on a magical ship where they have to fullfill this magical prophecy.

The props are well done for it's time and budget and especially the trolls and their war vessel are impressive. Only let down is that the (real) lower teeth of the main bad guy troll are clearly visible when he speaks. The ship is also well made, although I find the ship's role and the whole nautical voyage to be a given too little time in the movie, just like the Dawn Treader in Narnia, but hey, that's just me speaking a former seaman.

Unfortunately, there is also plenty of cheese. The glasses of Medusa for example, the fights where Malachi jumps around doing backflips that add nothing at all. Also the main characters are sometimes incredibly dumb. Why did Cassie walk into the Minotaurs lair on her won like that ? Why didn't Medusa use her ability to turn their enemies into stone ? Oh well, maybe I shouldn't overanalyze a TV fantasy film for kids.

So yeah, if you liked The voyage of the Dawn Treader you will enjoy this, but don't expect a hight budget movie for adults.

The Boat (2018)

I like little dialogue...

[4/10 · 27 July 2021]

... but I don't like little story or plot.

I just don't know what to make of this. Is it really awful ? No. Is it a masterpiece ? No. It feels like a high budget indie film that could have been only 30 minutes long but overextended into 80 minutes.

The movie immediately rushes into the main plot where our protagonist steps into his boat without introduction and proceeds into open sea. There is a nice shot of the harbour and a sea cave entrance. He stumbles across an abandoned sailing yaght and deiced to climb on board (no idea what happens to his own boat, it disappears into the sea I guess) and find out what happens. The boat is completely empty and soon he finds himself trapped. It seems the boat has a mind of it's own (?) and won't let him go. He tries everything to get off, but to no avail. After all his struggles the boat auto-navigates him back to his harbour. He disembarks and sees it's the harbour he left in the beginning. The boat then leaves out of itself back into the open sea.

There... that's it ! Nothing is explained any further. Only the main character talks, and talks very little. Nothing he says adds anything to the story or explains anything. Like I said, I can appreciate a movie with little talking (actually I'd rather have that than too much talking) but come one... something has to be explained. There is nothing "deep" and "artisitc" about a movie that explains nothing. It's ashame really because the production values were actually pretty decent for this movie.

A High Wind in Jamaica (1965)

Complete bore.

[3/10 · 18 July 2021]

Absolutely nothing happens in this movie, not funny enough for a comedy and not dramatic enough for a drama. I never felt anything for the characters, the pirates lacked any wit or charm and the kids were mostly annoying and dumb. The pathetic excuses for pirates could barely keep them under control it seems. And the young girl seem too dumb to understand that when a man approaches you with a knife while his hands are tied he probably wants to be set free !!!

After a while I couldn't stomach it anymore and fast forwarding the damn thing. Didn't miss anything it seems. I read about the troubled history of this movie and understand why the director distances himself from it. It sucks !!!

Doomsday (I) (2008)

Post-apoc action horror that shouldn't be taken too serious.

[7/10 · 14 May 2021]

This movie can best be described as Mad Max meets 28 days later meets Escape from NY. You know what to expect.

In the future a virus kills off a lot of humans (surprise!!) and the border between England and Scotland is sealed off with a modernized version of Hadrian's wall. A doctor that still resides on the other side is rumored to have found a cure. A female bad-ass action hero is recruited to be the new Snake Plissken and find the doctor and his cure inside infected dystopia.

The similarity with Escape from NY is pretty obvious by now, and when you see the movie you will see other influences as well (especially Mad Max, but I also noticed some Black Hawk Down in it too). All in all it's just a horror/action flick where you can switch off your brain and enjoy the action. Don't expect any Oscar material here though. I find the part at the end (where the main characters end in up in a sort of post-apocalyptic neo-medieval castle) to be a bit hard to take serious. Also the movie feels a bit too long for it's own good. Other than that, I enjoyed it. I actually liked it more than (the overrated) 28 days later.

We Are Still Here (I) (2015)

Too stretched

[5/10 · 8 May 2021]

While I can certainly remember far worse haunted house movies (or horror movies in general) this is far from great.

The story is just as we have seen a million times: a 'family' (actually a couple) move into a new house to get over the death of their son (how original !!!) and... surprise...... the new house is haunted !!!!

The movie the moves at a snail's pace with all kinds of shots in the snowy surroundings, they add nothing to the story, they are clearly added to just lengthen the entire movie. Very little happens to keep you interested. The scare moments are few and far between and the few moments that something happens look very cheesy.

What I have give the movie credit for is that the concept behind the haunted house is different that most other movies in the genre. It has a Lovecraftian tone to it like someone else mentioned.

Unless you are really into this stuff I would not recommend it.

The Huntress: Rune of the Dead (2019)

Snoozefest that tries to cash in on the viking hype.

[2/10 · 7 May 2021]

A mother with her daughters are waiting for their father to return (or something, I don't know or care). The first 90% of the movie is just talking with some occasional scenes of a woman walking through the woods with a bow in her hand. In the end there is some fight(s) but by then you've fallen asleep. Avoid at all cost.

Dagon (2001)

Mixed bag

[6/10 · 30 April 2021]

I've never read any Lovecraft story, I'm only familiar with some of the monsters he made up. But I do like cosmic horror movies.

The movie is about some American guy who's boat gets caught somewhere along the Spanish coast. He is forced to go ashore with his girlfriend, only to find out that the village and it's inhabitants are a bit strange.

I've seen this movie twice but just don't know what to think of it. It's somewhat comical, with a goofy main character. The villagers aren't really threatening or menacing and the fight scenes are mostly just laughable. However there are still some good gory special effects and freaky moments. The special effects and make up, except for the (dated) CGI are good.

Watch it for some Saturday night fun, but don't expect to be scared out of your wits.