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Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins (2021)
They STILL can't do GI Joe properly
Full Disclosure: I really had no interest in seeing this when it came out, I'd forgotten all about it since, and it was only after seeing Ursula Corbero recently in Money Heist that I was inspired to seek out her other work. Nothing other than sheer curiosity prompted me to watch this. Low Expectations.
I grew up in the 80s reading the comic books, and the longtime writer Larry Hama prided himself on the technological plausibility and military accuracy he incorporated into every issue. He would either rattle off the actual NATO designations of weapons and ammo, or let his imagination off the leash and invent VTOL fighter jets and flying one-man submarines, but I cannot recall any sort of supernatural or unexplained phenomena in more than 100 issues. No mystical energy sources, no giant monsters (the animated movies and shows were a different matter, but like those, this movie is based off the original comic book). Every piece of hardware could be envisioned as rolling off an assembly line somewhere, made by men, albeit in the near future.
The moment this movie introduced a floating ball of light to guide the hero to the 2nd of his three (not very suspenseful) tests, I started scoffing. The giant monsters in the 3rd test had been done in other movies before with much more success. And while the electric motorcycle he rode was a cool gadget, when he turned around backwards to shoot at his pursuers, while the thing drove by itself, I shook my head in disgust and turned it off, expecting it to get worse. But I wanted to see how all the characters ended up where they did at the end. Who was allied with whom, and why.
If I could sum up this movie in one word, it would be "disappointing." Iko Uwais was underutilized despite being one of the most dynamic action stars in the world, the Baroness (while played by the sexy AF Ursula) was a letdown (not even her classic costume!), and the entire reason Snake Eyes adopted a full facemask in the comics was entirely negated. Zero mention of the Soft Master, or Zartan's murder of the Hard Master, which drove Storm Shadow to Cobra in the first place. Strip away the half dozen references to the franchise, and it could have been any generic martial arts movie, and a poor origin one at that.
This is now the third live action GI Joe movie, and they keep missing the mark. Its approaching the absurdity of the Fantastic Four Franchise, a series that the studios keep churning out in the hopes of finally getting it right, as if the public is willing to give them *another* chance on seeing their beloved heroes reduced to mush. Again.
Snake Eyes: The Early Years had too many changes from the source material, required too much suspension of disbelief, and had too many fantasy elements for me to recommend this to anyone. Not enough gadgetry and hardware to satisfy Joe fans, too many ideas cribbed from Harry Potter. The swordplay was interesting at first, but the shakycam filming techniques and staccato edits made it hard to see exactly what was happening. Two people are fighting, there's a vague swinging motion, and a cutaway to a quivering sword suddenly sticking out of a nearby wall. You'll just have imagine how it got there.
The Keep (1983)
The Keep Drinking Game
Step 1 - Begin sober
Step 2 - Take a drink every time you ask yourself, "Wait, what???"
Step 3 - Take a drink when you finally wonder if they asked Jurgen Prochnow to help the other actors with their German accents
Step 4 - Refill your drink
Step 5 - Take a drink every time you laugh and/or shake your head in bewilderment
Step 6 - Take a drink every time you remark on how young Ian McKellen was in this movie
Step 7 - Take a drink when you finally wonder if Jurgen Prochnow was uncomfortable giving the Nazi salute
Step 8 - Refill your drink
Step 9 - Take a drink every time you laugh at how bad an actor Scott Glenn is
Step 10 - By now you should be on your way to either an AA meeting or an emergency room
Much like driving home after the above drinking game, this thing is all over the road. Its a WWII movie, its a horror movie, its a love story, it has an alien life form (or two), along with the usual Michael Mann trademarks like a trippy, ethereal score, and long, slow scenes that take forever to develop into anything.
Whatever you think this movie is going to be about, you're already wrong.
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)
The exact opposite of Shaw Bros cinematography
For those of you familiar with the old Shaw Bros films of the 70s (and if you aren't, go watch anything they made, I'll wait), you'll remember those beautifully choreographed fight scenes. They went on for several minutes with the same camera angles, rehearsed until the actors were practically dancing. Amazing work.
This is nothing like those. Each shot in the fight scenes lasts about half a second, multiple camera angles, sometimes repeating the same actions from different perspectives. If you blink your eyes as fast as possible to get a strobe effect, you *may* be able to understand what's happening, but you'll get a headache, both from the rapid eye movement and trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
I thought this franchise had hit rock bottom after Retribution, when she walked away unscathed from a crashed helicopter, but this is actually worse. Avoid this like Covid-19, go watch the first RE movie again, everything else has been downhill from there.
Soap (1977)
With every episode, my opinion changes
I watch one episode, and Burt becomes my favorite character. I watch another one, and Jessica becomes my favorite. She is next supplanted by Chuck & Bob (technically two characters?). Forget Seinfeld, forget Everyone Loves Raymond, this show set the standard for an ensemble cast where everyone is drop-dead hysterical. I remember watching this as a kid, and not really understanding the jokes about homosexuality and infidelity, but 40-something years later, I get it, and its never been funnier. Chuck and Bob doing the mindreading bit still knocks me dead. Invite over everyone you know to watch this, they'll thank you for it
The Meg (2018)
Jurassic Park plus Jaws minus logic and realism
Combine two of the biggest blockbusters of all time but remove all logic and reality. Poor decisions on everyone's part and inaccuracies abound.
Submersibles descend to several miles below the surface in a matter of minutes? No one has to undergo compression or decompression despite being sealed in a thin plexiglass bubble? Chum being dumped from a single spot on the ship is suddenly falling through the ocean across a 100yd diameter? Despite three boats being gobbled up in a matter of seconds, the entire command team decides to take another boat to the exact same spot?? They deserved to get eaten! And apparently a state of the art scientific research station has no sonar or radar to warn of an incoming collision.
For all the technical problems Jaws had, it was still a practical effect that the actors could interact with. This was just bad cgi from start to finish. There was some suspense, and of course Jason Statham wearing nothing but a towel, but nothing very surprising. And of course the inevitable sequel will try to rehash the same foolishness.
Burn After Reading (2008)
A dark, twisted comedy that.......... goes nowhere
It seemed like it had potential. Several big stars, multiple plotlines, but nothing really gets resolved. People die from mistaken identity, a few divorces are imminent, paranoia throughout, but don't expect everything to wrap up neatly by the end. Watch it for Brad Pitt's portrayal of a doofus, but other than that, don't waste your time.
The Equalizer 2 (2018)
A sequel for the sake of being a sequel
With no explanation of the opening murder, several plot holes, and convenient irregularities, I did not enjoy this as much as the first movie. While McCall has some technical skill in dishing out hand-to-hand punishment, the ending had me shaking my head the entire time.
A sniper takes up an elevated position during a hurricane??? Does he really think he'll be an effective shot with gale-force winds? Not to mention, the assortment of buildings would require a house-by-house search to effectively clear each structure, not the random "Check the yellow house! Now check the bakery! Head towards the ocean!" crap. McCall also shoots out an electrical transformer, but is still able to activate the fans in said bakery. And while grain dust explosions are a real thing because of the stillness of the air, a flashbang + flour does not equal a devastating explosion in hurricane winds. Also, shooting the rear tire of a car only lowers it by a few inches, not enough for said sniper to miss "the middle of the trunk," he still has a four foot target. The tower the sniper is stationed on has an unexplained gap in the corner where there's no safety railing. McCall couldn't have thrown him over the top? I find it hard to believe OSHA approved the construction of such a structure. And finally, McCall rescues Miles, and drags him back to McCall's own house instead of the nearest shelter, bypassing several structures where they could have found refuge from the 'cane, then leaves him bleeding while he sits in a comfy chair and reminisces about his former life. In front of two large windows, during a hurricane.
Pass this one up and watch Training Day again.