dan-is-grate Reviews

Ninety-Nine Nights (2006 Video Game)

Whoa

[9/10 · 13 May 2009]

I've always had an unhealthy fascination with battles. Not the modern-day hiding behind a wall while firing an assault rifle type, (though Gears Of War is superb fun) but the classical kind where thousands of men line up either side of a field and charge in. My favourite kind of films/are epics, my favourite novels is/are historical fiction, and I always ached for a battle game.

Sure there are more strategy games than you can shake a stick at, but where's the personal involvement? You simply throw units at the enemy in the hope of winning the battle, sitting back and watching while the mêlée ensues. Films and books give you characters you are invested in and can relate to and are concerned about their survival and cheer when they best a villain.

So, when I first played Dynasty Warriors 2 on my friend's PS2 many years ago, I was hooked. While the numbers weren't truly grand, I got a taste of being just one of a thousand people.

Ninety Nine Nights is the battle game I have been waiting for. Though the criticisms are pretty true, IE you press the X button until everyone not on your side is dead, the sheer scale of the battles is immense. Where Dynasty Warriors was weak was that there could only be so many characters on screen, usually around 20-30. Once you moved towards a mêlée, more characters would pop up. In N3, you can see EVERY combatant, from the goblin about to swing a machete into your face, to the tiny pin-dot at the other side of the field. There are sometimes thousands on screen hacking away at each other, with the floor eventually being littered with corpses that stay for a surprising amount of time.

Another fault of Dynasty Warriors was the poor sense of unit structure. Units could move in squads of five, but there were never any "big charges", of the Braveheart kind. In N3, your entire force moves as a structured phalanx almost, staying in a rectangular formation. When set upon by an enemy force, the army charges as one, and CRASH, the armies collide, leaving you hacking away with the abandon and desperation I imagine a real battle would require.

The RPG elements are welcome too, allowing your character to level up, becoming more powerful, and exploration of the levels is rewarding due to the large quantity of pickups available in treasure chests.

Those of you who wish to join the battle, make sure you replay the earlier missions repeatedly, as the game is very unforgiving. It isn't unusual to slog away at a level for over an hour cutting down thousands of grunts, then to suddenly be slaughtered by the end of level boss. Replay the early levels to get your character levelled up!

Franklyn (2008)

Self indulgent arty rubbish

[1/10 · 13 May 2009]

So the British public pays their money with the billions-to-one-chance of winning the National Lottery, and with shavings of that money, certain projects are funded. This film-students' masturbatory aid is one of them.

I really hope none of my entries to the lottery were used and were either won by a convicted rapist or used to build an opera house for millionaires to drink champagne in, because frankly, this film is and represents everything I hate about "modern" cinema.

Character-wise, we have a faux-suicidal "artist" who is merely a spoilt rich Londoner with mummy and daddy issues who rebels by playing "pill race" (taking an overdose then phoning an ambulance to see which one wins) on camera. As she consistently survives this, she submits the tapes as coursework at university.

Next, we have an unbearably wet, lovesick male lead who constantly whines about some girl who left him. Were he to display a little more indignation and admirable qualities we might have the slightest sympathy.

Then, we have the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder soldier character who provides the only watchable screen-time as his Rorschach rip-off in the "parallel universe" Meanwhile City. The opening 5-10 minutes are entirely in Meanwhile City which means they are the only watchable minutes before the (SPOILER ALERT) "it's all in his head" plot starts to become apparent.

In "Fight Club" it wasn't original. It just about worked because it was so tongue in cheek, but by "The Machinist", it is such a rubbish twist.

Honestly, what is it about British cinema? Why can we turn out nothing but arty rubbish, Pride and Prejudice clones or kitchen sink council estate films?

Those in film colleges and universities will have infinite fun picking its semiotics and themes apart and scoffing at poor people for not knowing what mise-en-scene means, but personally, I'd avoid this one.

I'm just glad my ticket was free, but if my lottery money was used to fund the film, I am genuinely sorry for being a part of bringing this abhorrent film into the world.

The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007)

hate hate HATE this NME-approved crap.

[1/10 · 10 December 2008]

Why is it that so many comedies today are funny because some other trendy media has told them it's funny? The NME (a British magazine devoted to bands like Razorlight and the Kooks and other talentless bands) always has these arseholes on it's cover, and from watching it, I can see that the trendy one was the kind of douche who sat in his university refectory playing his guitar with a bunch of other bottom-feeders sat round him, and actually longs to be a musician, but, being a studenty tosser who is devoid of talent, decided to fall back on his "kooky" sense of humour. He's funny because he's trendy, not because he's funny, like for example, Vic and Bob, who these two are clearly trying to be the "next" of, minus actual humour. The other guy, with the 'tashe, I can assume likes offbeat and left-bank humour, and could possibly have potential if he wasn't in a band-wagon comedy. Someone said that they seem to spend more time trying to look cool than be funny and that is hitting the nail square on the head. But that's what the NME is all about, as long as it fits with their image of "cool", they are funny/a good band. The jokes/songs are secondary to looking cool.

Apocalypse Now (1979)

Apocalypse Ego.

[1/10 · 5 December 2008]

Praise all that is holy that others hate this as much as I do. What a bunch of self-indulgent, bloated trash. It's one of those films people insist they love to appear cultured and intelligent. No, people, it isn't a fascinating insight into the mental scars that war leaves on the minds of men, or some other left-wing crap like that. It's a poncy director with an ego of such magnitude that it has it's own gravity spewing the usual "war is hell" crap.

I almost survived this movie when Robert Duvall appeared, I thought "finally, a likable, insane character who will be funny to watch." then, after like 30 seconds of screen time, he is gone, and just becomes a sad old codger wanting his surfboard back. Like stealing an old man's teeth just so he ineffectually asks for them back.

The politics of the US at the time obviously formed the film in part, and I'm with Cartman on this one, I HATE hippies, and this film is just a hippy with far too much money saying "we should all just get along man, and in the meantime, marvel at my depth, artistry and intelligence. Peace." A war gets televised, people eating their TV dinners see that people actually get killed when countries fall out, and suddenly you have a bunch of naive, pig ignorant celebrities siding with the opposition, an opposition that on winning the war, proceed to slaughter millions of men women and children in the Cambodian holocaust.

Bunch of damn John Lennons. "Imagine there're no possessions. Oh, haven't seen the keys to my sports car and swish apartment in new york have you?"

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

Am I the only person who genuinely loves this film?

[9/10 · 30 November 2008]

I love all things epic and/or fantastical. Sometimes, they can be a little too childish IE Willow of Narnia, but In The Name Of The King is just pure escapist fantasy. The cast is just incredible Ron Perlman and Leelee Sobieski being particular highlights, but Matt Lillard's spoilt prince is flawlessly performed, and Jason Statham is quickly becoming one of the best action stars out there.

Sure it's campy, sure it has a lovable B-movie chic about it, sure the script is cliché laden, this isn't and never set out to be a cinematic masterpiece like Gladiator, this is a breathless, 100 mile an hour romp where good takes on evil and triumphs.

The film is WAY ahead of it's time in terms of it's dealing with issues such as race and gender. I mean what other film has black men in it, who are just men who happen to have black skin? Not ONE reference is made to their skin colour, and neither do they reference it. White, black, they are just MEN. No lame "white men can't jump" "humour" on which the Wayans seem to be basing their careers on after exhausting their limited repertoire of self-contradictory humour, no anti-racism "Ah ain't fightin' alongsahd no negros" subplot where a racist suddenly accepts his black brethren before the climactic battle, just MEN being MEN. Finally.

For the pennies they had to make this, it's a damn well-made film, I can remember straight to video movies used to be "those films where the helicopter doesn't crash", but now, whoa, thousands of men chopping each other to bits in a forest, impressive though never intrusive CGI, great costumes, the cinematography is beautiful, I could go on all night.

To those who have attacked the villain henchmen of the film, the "Krug", they are great! Sure, the masks are set pieces that I'm sure if they were featured in close-ups would look as fake as they are, but Boll knows his craft, and shows them only fleetingly and with enough distance to make them believable.

While definitely fantasy, I am glad this film sits more towards the realistic side of things, almost to the point where it could be considered historical fiction, were it not for the modest amount of magic that kept the film within the boundaries of fantasy. Also, much kudos for not including Elves or Dwarfs, whose presence I usually find irritating. "Oh, so this race is tall, noble, and lives indefinitely, and this race are 3 foot tall, dour and very good at digging? Good good, so only the human race has a variety of professions it is capable of and greatly variable personalities?" Elves are stuck up, aloof snobs impossible to relate to, and dwarfs are just patronising caricatures of the Scottish.

Back to my main point, ITNOTK is awesome, one which shall be watched again and again, and sits with my DVDs with pride.