biker451 Reviews

Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2024– )

Mr. & Mrs. Smith -- Codename: Stinker

[1/10 · 3 February 2024]

I made it a half hour into the first episode and had more than I could handle. The writers and director should have been fired. In the first few minutes, someone was shot through the cheek and out the other cheek, then dies from an injury that would never kill anyone. Another character comes walking straight into gunfire, then continues to blast an armored door over and over, while the opponent's leg and foot are clearly visible under that door. Then on a stakeout we are subjected to a lengthy inane conversation that is more than just boring, it repeats, over and over. The forementioned writers and director had no idea how to develop a character without resorting to endless exposition and redundancy. That first 30 minutes could easily have been trimmed down to 10. I won't be revisiting this carnage.

Army of the Dead (2021)

I Should Have Read Reviews Before Watching This Train Wreck.

[3/10 · 6 June 2021]

I feel like I wasted 2.5 hours of my life on this dross. Nothing like "The Dead" series and just a depressing mess of lost opportunities. The acting was so-so, the story had so many plot holes that all the substance just plain leaked out of this movie. The ending was the worst part. After all the effort put into looking for the missing mom the daughter figure didn't even bother looking to see if she lived and the script just plain forgot about her. Other reviewers have run down the lists of the failings of Army of the Dead so I won't go further into that but I will say that I hope you didn't watch the movie too, before reading these reviews...

Genius (2017– )

I'd Hoped for Something Better

[4/10 · 12 May 2017]

After watching the opening sex scene I thought, "oh no, another soap opera." I did watch the full first episode and was disappointed but thought I'd give it a second chance and watched episode 2 but by the end of that one I knew there was no redemption for this dross. Pure Hollywood soap opera, more about Einstein's love life than any of his theories and discoveries. The actor that played young Einstein was terrible and I have to wonder if that was his lack of ability or the director's wanting to dumb down the story for the typical American audience. Two episodes was all I could stomach.

Impossible Engineering (2015– )

A Squandered Opportunity to have a Hit

[3/10 · 27 July 2016]

The premise of Impossible Engineering sounds great; highlight huge or revolutionary engineering projects, tell the history behind them and what makes these projects special and incredible. I was excited to see this show and set my DVR to record all episodes. Tonight I sat down to watch two episodes which I thought would be of the most interest to me, "Ultimate Warship" about the British aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth and "World's Biggest Cruise Ship" about the Empress of the Seas. Unfortunately I was so very disappointed. I already know a fair amount about these ships and the history of their respective classes and was appalled by the amount of misinformation in these episodes. So many times the narrator used hyperbole about the "biggest," "fastest," "first" and on and on when those statements should come with qualifications. When they say "It was biggest project..." what they should be saying is "It was the biggest project in the UK..." or "...the aircraft carrier was an effective weapon for the first time in history" when the described event took place two years after it had been done in two other parts of the world, and four years before an aircraft carrier was used in warfare as a weapon. If these kinds of things were errors in just a few places they would easily be forgiven but the entire show is predicated on making everything be the "biggest," "fastest," "first" or other extreme and the wording used reflects that goal. So my thinking was that if on an episode where I knew, or could readily look up specifications, there were this many errors or out an out misleading statements how could I trust what the other shows were telling me? So I watched a second episode and sure enough it too was full of errors. There are some reasonably good parts of the shows but in no way enough good to offset all the horrible bad. I deleted the rest of the episodes from my DVR and will donate the time to watching something that is truly educational. Oh, and I can't forget to rip the horrible choice of background martial music and the volume that is so high as to almost drown out the voices and sounds.

Other Space (2015)

Something Stinksin Other Space; Actually Everything Stinks

[1/10 · 21 July 2015]

I've been on this earth for a very long time, watched and rated well over 5,000 movies and shows and I have to say that this is the worst of dregs. After the first 5 minutes I could tell that there was nothing in this that anyone over 20, whose seen more than what is on a cell phone screen, could possibly find amusing. So then I went to the reviews and found all the glowing ones, rating it 10 stars and saying you have to watch more than the first episode. So I went back, watched the full first episode without finding a single funny element, and then forced myself to watch the second with the hope it would get better. Sadly it didn't.

The characters seem to be literally copied from Red Dwarf, Futurama, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and even a Zaphod Beeblebrox from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is thrown into the mix. Although not exactly copied as they forgot to include the comedy. The dialog is stilted and poorly written. It seems to have been directed by cell phone, and I don't really blame the actors for their very low level of acting as I suspect they were directed to act horribly. I even have a hard time seeing this labeled as a "comedy" as there is absolutely nothing comical about it. And those saying "lighten up as it is meant to be satire and you miss the point," I say that even satire has to be well acted and directed and actually have a point.

The only laugh I had in watching the first two episodes was when they were all holding up their "weapons" and they actually were the exact remote temperature measuring "gun" that I own, with a little piece of plastic glued to the front. Even the props and costumes weren't up to the standards of most community theater companies.

Something else is fishy about the reviews. At this time there are three pages and the first half of the reviews are all 1-3 stars which is where I see this dross. But all the following reviews are 8-10 stars and from 500 to 800 characters. To me this makes those reviews suspect and I will be interested to see what later views have to say.

This is without a doubt the worst show I've ever encountered.

Kiara the Brave (2011)

Kiara the Brave is not about bravery of any kind.

[1/10 · 11 April 2013]

I've always felt that "Plan 9 from Outer Space" was the hands down winner of the worst movie of all time contest, until I saw Kiara. Bad voice work, bad script, animation that would have been state of the art in 1939, and I couldn't make any kind of sense of the story. I've rated over 4,000 movies here at IMDb and all I could think while watching this trash was, "is there any way to give a movie a negative rating?" I know there isn't but if one could this would surely rate a negative 10.

I actually grabbed it on NetFlix thinking it was the Pixar movie "Brave" and really felt stupid for being duped by the title. Than a couple of days later our adult daughter came home with it from RedBox to watch with our granddaughter and I pointed out that it wasn't "That Brave" she was a bit sheepish, but I felt a bit better learning that it wasn't just me being taken in by the title and cover art.

Use your time more productively, do anything but watch this dross.

Human Lampshade: A Holocaust Mystery (2012 TV Movie)

Was a waste of an hour of my life.

[3/10 · 7 October 2012]

I'd watched this program in the hope of learning just a bit more about this horrible period in human history and how people could devolve to the point of making a lampshade out of human skin. Unfortunately there was little information that I'd not heard or seen on numerous documentaries.

Here lies Spoilers: The final result that the lampshade that was the object of the entire show, and was dragged halfway around the world and back, and studied by multiple laboratories, wasn't even made from human skin. So the title of the show, which dragged me into watching it, was pure fantasy and the show was was a waste of my time. Very disappointing.

Homeland (2011–2020)

Disappointing! Should be a Daytime Soap.

[3/10 · 8 October 2011]

There was so much wrong with this show that it all couldn't easily be described in less than a few thousand words, so I'll leave it to others to point out the USMC errors and plot holes. I expected a thriller, maybe with a touch of humor; as Damian Lewis does wry humor as good as the best. I'd hoped for something more likened to his character in "Life" but come on: an affair, a manic/schizoid CIA agent, every cliché in the Lazy Director's Handbook, and absolutely brimming with soap. It is not my cup of tea. I was looking forward to a good thriller when I heard that Damian Lewis and Mandy Patinkin were in it but was sorely let down. I won't be watching more than the first episode.

GasHole (2010)

Unsientific Conspiracy Theory Dross

[1/10 · 5 August 2011]

First I have to say that I couldn't watch more than a half hour of this drivel before I decided to quit wasting my time and moved on to something productive. These "100 m.p.h. carburetors" have been tested over and over again by real scientists and they do not work. This is all wishful thinking. The S.A.E. (Society of Automotive Engineers) have tested them, car industry and enthusiast magazines have tested them, they've been tested by universities, and over and over again people have wasted their energy testing them; and one thing comes true every time. They do not work. And, there is no more oil company conspiracy than every day business practices, which can in themselves be evil, but not in this case. Water injection, in very minute amounts, has been proved to work to cool the charge but it has little bearing on mileage, only the efficiency to burn, almost unmeasurable, cleaner. But can you imagine having water injection in Duluth Minnesota where it gets to -50 f. in the winter? Give me a break.

It is interesting that in talking about the "Buick that got over 100 miles per gallon" they show the patent briefly and a Compressed Natural Gas tank only for a moment without explanation. It appears that in this particular case the CNG is used in the process and that compressed air is also used. The problem with that is this "documentary" (term used lightly) does not take that into account in the claims of high mileage. Compressors to compress both the air and the CNG run on electricity, making tanks to hold them takes energy, the CNG itself is just another form of petroleum distillate and none of this seems to be taken into account in the claims. It is obvious that the producers of this movie went into the project with the sole intent of proving a conspiracy, rather than with an open mind, and nothing, even facts would not keep them from their goal.

I watch a lot of documentaries and this has to be, without a doubt, the worst I've ever seen. Not only for its lack of science, but the filming, the choice of interview subjects, the editing... I can't think of one thing positive I can say about this movie. If you are a conspiracy theorist you may like or even love this movie. If you have any knowledge of science you will hate it, and if you are in the middle you may be duped into thinking this stuff might be true, which it is NOT. Stay far, far away from this movie.

The Good Guys (2010)

Pilot Held Some Promise

[5/10 · 23 May 2010]

The pilot for "The Good Guys" held some promise but one had to wade through the dross to get to it. Acting, photography and sets were up to network standards but the story itself had more holes in it than the socks I threw out this morning. Having someone fake puke to clear a room of detectives and C.S.I.s was beyond lame. There were a few parts of the show that were mildly amusing and if one is capable of suspending disbelief entirely then it could be a fun romp, but I believe they could have a hit here if they kept things at least in the realm of reality. The real world just does not even closely resemble the world in which these characters reside. I'm willing to give it a second chance though so my DVR is set to record the next episode.

The Philanthropist (2009)

Another potential winner that will probably be scrapped

[9/10 · 7 November 2009]

I was surprised that some people think this show is a dog and deserves to be scrapped, that the scripts are unrealistic and this stuff could never happen in the real world. I think they are missing the point. Ask yourself this: How many dramas or any type of show can you name, in television land, that even mention philanthropy? How many promote giving of oneself? How many shows inspire the normally uninspired masses to even think about what goes on outside of our fantasy land of the U.S.A.?

Sure, this show has unrealistic plots, portrays a myopic view of world issues, has obvious product placement, and other faults but that is what pays the bills. Without these things this show would never had been made or even hit the airwaves and if it changes the life of even one person, especially one from the class of nouveau riche, it will have done a service to humanity. Sure it is flawed but there is enough truth to it to bring people back and maybe change their lives. It is all about the message, not the messenger. I do so hope NBC will let this one live.

Shogun Assassin (1980)

They've taken something great and turned it into crap!

[1/10 · 15 July 2009]

I'd just recently discovered the "Lone Wolf and Cub" series and having just watched all of them I found them to be some of the best of the genre that I'd ever encountered. I watched them in Japanese with English subtitles and found every one of them to be exceptional. When I saw that "Shogun Assassin" was based on the "Lone Wolf and Cub" series I was excited to see it, but oh what a letdown it turned out to be. Some hacks have taken the original series and cut clips out of each of them, then re-edited those clips into the most god-awful movie I've ever seen, and then claimed to be the "writers". I knew that something was off as soon as I saw that Retsudo, from the real series was shown as the "Shogun". In the originals he was the head of a clan who had stolen the post of royal executioner from Ogami Itto through deception. In the original Daigoro (the son) hardly ever speaks more than the word "Pa", yet in here he is the narrator. The dialog is just plain insipid and has no relationship to the original story. Skip this worthless dreck and find the original "Lone Wolf and Cub" series.

In reading all the glowing reviews I have to wonder if they were written by friends of the people who put this together, or by people who have never seen the original series or other great Samurai series such as the Zatoichi movies or other greats of the genre.

The Pale Horse (1997 TV Movie)

Venables said it; "Rubish"

[3/10 · 24 February 2007]

Very good actors, but one of the worst productions of Agatha Christie's works I've seen. The soundtrack tried to add to the feel of the period but only helped to make the film seem "dated". I've only recently re-discovered Agatha Christie as I had read only a couple of her books as a child in the 50's, and I've now been devouring all the works NetFlix has to offer. I've especially enjoyed Joan Hickson as Miss Marple and was looking forward to seeing one of Agatha Christie's later works having been released in 1961.

I was so very disappointed in this "made for TV" movie as it was full of cliché's, miserably wrong music, incredibly bad direction and was one of those movies where I want to yell at the characters on the screen, "How can you be that stupid." I've not read the book but it appears that this could have easily have been an exceptional movie, but instead I felt that my intelligence was being assaulted more and more by the minute. The ending was a huge let-down. What a waste.

In Enemy Hands (2004)

What was Macy thinking?

[3/10 · 5 January 2005]

"In Enemy Hands" is one of the worst WWII movies that I've ever seen. I can imagine that the original script must have looked good enough for William H. Macy to sign on, but I can also see why this was not released in theaters. Bad editing, worse directing, over or rock bottom acting in abundance this movie has it all.

With so many true stories of the submarine services that are loaded with drama, why would a fictional story like this even exist? Even William H. Macy, who I usually like, acts like he is being controlled by puppet wires. The real Swordfish sank twenty-one ships and damaged another 8 before being lost at sea about January 12, 1945 with 85 men lost. Her first patrol started the day after Pearl harbor, she evacuated many officials from the Phillipines and delivered supplies to Corregidor so with the amount of actions she saw there would appear to be no reason to turn her ending into a fictionalized turkey.

I find it very unfortunate that people who watch this might think this is what life was like for WWII submariners.

The Swan (2004–2005)

Important details left unsaid

[19 April 2004]

I am not a reality TV person. Mostly can't stand any of them, except for American Choppers, but then I love seeing metal being bent. So it came as a surprise to me that having heard all negative about this I got sucked into an episode. There is one thing that is not emphasized on the show, but apparently these women get pretty extensive counseling along with all the other physical transformations. These women all have emotional scars that would probably never be addressed out in the real world, but here they are getting many hours of free counseling every week. I find nothing wrong with that and I only wish the producers would spend more time portraying what results they get from this time spent with psychological staff. Plastic surgery is very, very common and its portrayal on TV should come as no shock to anyone.

As for being the "bottom of the barrel" I'm thinking folk are barking up the wrong tree. Seems to me there was a show called 'Temptation Island'. Never saw it but understand the object was to steal partners or some such. Seems to me much worse than women with problems, who want to change themselves, finding free help.

Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003)

A chance to make a great and fun movie blown, big time...

[2/10 · 24 December 2003]

I'm amazed that anyone could produce, direct or edit this movie without saying, "this isn't going to work." They all had an opportunity to make a sort of "Miss Blonde Goes to Washington", sort of a fun version of the classic "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." It starts with the premise of the young naive lawyer going to Washington and witnessing the corruption, ineptitude and special interests that make this country run in spite of themselves. But about half way through, when it should get serious about taking on the bureaucracy, it degenerates into a stupid and inane bit with sorority sisters and ultimately cheerleaders doing a dance piece on the Capital's steps. At that point I was about to change channels, but I chose to watch to see how it ends. I could have lived with even a predictable ending, but not only was it predictable but was a boring, dumb, waste of an ending.

Another one of those "Lost Opportunity" movies where one has to say, "What were they thinking?" If they were thinking they only wanted to reach the stereotypical dumb blonde, who is also a sorority sister and a valley girl they may have hit their mark. For the other 99.9% of the population this looks like they had their heads up their proverbial "whatevers" when they made this one.

I mostly enjoyed Legally Blonde, but 2 was a waste of my time.

Knee High P.I. (2003 TV Movie)

Cut off at the knees...

[1/10 · 13 October 2003]

This is one of those very special movies where one continually says to oneself, "It has to get better" and it never does. I find it hard to believe that anyone would invest time or money making this simple-minded dross and that I watched the whole thing. Looks like it was made by a bunch of third graders judging by all the toilet humor.

One of the worst movies I have ever seen.

The First Auto (1927)

A hidden time capsule.

[10/10 · 27 July 2003]

Only thirty years after the emergence of the automobile this is a historic classic. Son Bob's love for his father, who is not able to adjust to the coming of the auto, makes for good storytelling and lends itself well to silent film. The use of some sound effects and a few words makes the story even more interesting. The high point for me was seeing Barney Oldfield playing himself. One of the great racing drivers of all time he seems a thousand years away from the young, slim and clean driver popular today. I truly enjoyed this film.

China Sky (1945)

Interesting, but not a great movie.

[5/10 · 2 January 2003]

China Sky is interesting as it shows a side of WWII that is seldom seen, the war in China. Few realize the enormity of what the Japanese did to China and it is seldom seen on television or in the movies. This gives at least a glimpse into that world.

The story was written by Pearl S. Buck. It has some of the worst dialog I've seen in a movie in many years. The story is predictable, and there is not one thing in the plot that comes as a surprise. The acting is a bit better than the dialog, but that really isn't saying much.

This movie is worth watching if for nothing else but the subject matter, but if one is expecting to be entertained please watch something else.

Door to Door (2002 TV Movie)

A touching story

[9/10 · 14 July 2002]

William H. Macy gives a wonderful performance as Bill Porter, a Watkins Products salesman who has Cerebral Palsy. The story follows Bill's life over several decades and how he brings life to a town, friends and family. I seldom watch "made for TV" movies as I find most of them to be of little value, but this is an exception. An uplifting story of persistence, honor and all the qualities that make Bill Porter an extraordinary man. Macy's performance is truly one of his best.

Men in Black II (2002)

MIB II is OK, but not great.

[6/10 · 8 July 2002]

I loved MIB... With that said I have to say that MIB II was not a very good movie. Too short, no real chemistry between the actors, ok special effects but nothing spectacular, boring epilogue, very few laughs and generally just barely worth watching. The best thing about this movie was the talking dog, which is a problem, as he was not the star.

This movie just felt like the producers had said, "we made oh-so-much money on the first one, let's throw together another and make a bundle more." And what the heck, I spent my money to go and so will millions of others. The biggest disappointment was that Smith and Jones were way too serious, with few laugh lines. I wanted so badly to be entertained, but it didn't do it.

I guess I will have to wait for MIB III...

Desperate Measures (1998)

Smells like dead fish

[2/10 · 25 June 2002]

I can't believe I watched this whole movie. Another "Ishtar" in that I kept waiting for it to get better, which never happened. The sound is terrible, going from too low to hear the conversations, to blaring sound in seconds. The plot is absolutely implausible, the acting is mediocre, although Keaton does his usual good job as a mental case, although being typecast in that role could certainly be considered a negative. The director knows absolutely nothing about hospitals, medications, science or anything of a technical nature. "Sociopath"???? I wonder how they came up with that diagnosis? There are so many errors, goofs and things wrong with this movie that if one were to list them all it would possibly set some kind of record. Demerol as a general anestetic? A motorcyclist on the freeway wearing a non DOT/Snell off-road helmet. San Francisco??? Paper walls move when tapped, helmets just appear out of thin air, guns point one direction but hit things in another, lighting appears and disappears and there is barely a scene in the move that doesn't contain some kind of error. My wife, who is an RN in an Oncology unit finally left the room before the end of the movie so upset over all the medical errors. I gave it a 2 only because of Keaton's acting, else it certainly would have gotten a 1.

The Cold Heart of a Killer (1996 TV Movie)

If nothing else is on TV

[3/10 · 31 January 2002]

Kate Jackson is out of place in this movie, the dialog is terrible and I found myself saying over and over, "who could be that stupid", or "that doesn't work like that in real life". All in all a horrible movie unless you are a complete Kate Jackson fan, or just love to watch dogs run.

How to Murder a Millionaire (1990 TV Movie)

B-grade fluff, but not without entertainment value

[4/10 · 11 December 2001]

Irma (Joan Rivers) thinks her husband is trying to kill her. The cut brakes on her car, the deadly-wired bath massager, being locked in the garage with a running car are all enough to give her that idea. Having a hired killer, (Meshach Taylor) tell her that her husband hired him takes this fear to a new level. Sounds like the makings for a good suspense story... but instead what we have is a comedy with only a few laughs. Thelma Hopkins, of "Tony Orlando and Dawn" fame, is entertaining but David Ogden Stiers falls flat on his face with a performance that is of high school stage play level.

Joan Rivers can be a very good actress and a few times during this movie we see that talent, although most of the time we have to listen to her yelps and yips as she stumbles though her part.

Not a bad movie, but certainly not anything but a time filler.

Invincible (2001 TV Movie)

Saving the world with martial arts

[7/10 · 18 November 2001]

The Shadowmen, dark angels who can only break from their prison by destroying the Earth. Their leader, Slate, has half of an ancient stone tablet with the power to blow up the Earth and free them. Standing between the Shadowmen and victory are four warriors, Air, Water, Fire and Metal, who have been trained by the keeper of the other half of the tablet. They have six days to stop Slate.

The fact that this movie was produced by Jet Li and Mel Gibson is apparent from the beginning. Non-stop action, incredible special effects and a story right out of the comic books make this a very enjoyable piece of movie mayhem. It was "made for TV" but certainly could have been for theatrical release.