vampirbg Reviews

Battle Los Angeles (2011)

If you thought Independence Day featured bad science think again

[1/10 · 29 March 2011]

This is one of those films where the filmmakers think the audience is stupid. Also, it seems that they were more concerned with checking the right boxes than with making a film. Do we have 10 minute drama scenes with lines that are beyond cliché? Check. Do we have patriotic pep talks? Check. Do we have shaky camera work and fake low res footage obscuring everything? Check. If you thought that Trinity dying or the final scenes from LOTR were boring, then you'll be going through hell here. There are about 20 of those in this movie with some about 10 minutes long. They could've cut almost an hour and nobody would notice. Just an example: in one of the scenes while being attacked by aliens form all sides the lead crouches to tie a boy's shoelaces. Does that look realistic to anyone? Or the fact that the same aliens that the 3 marines couldn't have killed with automatic rifles, can by the end of the movie be killed with 2-3 shots or even using pistols? I almost expected for the marines to start engaging in hand to hand combat.

If you use your brain and value it at all then don't go and see this movie. On the other hand, if you're a masochist it'll be just what you need.

What Just Happened (2008)

Boring

[1/10 · 1 February 2009]

This film was very boring and a perfect example of the current state of things in Hollywood. They think that just by bringing big stars in the movie will have to be a hit.

The actors are not the problem. They did their part. The problem is in the script or rather lack of it. The script is better suited for a 45 minute episode than for a whole movie. That's probably why the movie needed to be padded with long scenes of traveling. Also, the pace is too slow.

My advice to everyone is to avoid this movie. Watching paint dry is equally amusing and you might even get it for free.

Subconscious Cruelty (2000)

One of the most boring films I've ever seen

[1/10 · 12 August 2007]

This film has to be one of the most boring films ever made. The only thing I liked is using Argento-esquire lighting in most of the scenes. The music is awful and the pace is so slow that you can watch it at 2x the speed and even then it would be slow. The story doesn't exist. It doesn't even have any shocking scenes.

It is classified (on this site at least) as a horror, but it's not. It's a sort of an art film exploring the dark side of the human nature. If you are into that kind of thing and can stand the slow pace, then watch it, but I'd rather recommend you something Japanese (e.g. Ichi the Killer) I think that the only reason this film was never in theaters is a fear of audience committing collective suicide caused by the huge amount of boredom generated by this movie. These 80 minutes of it's length would've been better spent watching the paint dry.

I gave it 1/10 simply because there is no 0 in the pull down menu

Sublime (2007 Video)

Not a horror movie, but worth watching...

[6/10 · 8 August 2007]

I wouldn't classify this movie as a horror... It can barely pass as a thriller, and a slow one at that...

What it does, is just to show everyone's fear of the hospitals and amplify it... After E.R., House etc. we know way too much about medicine for our own good... I'm a programmer and I've had no problem understanding medical terms, and have also noticed two major mistakes (you can't talk while tubed and you only get local anesthesia for a colonoscopy) The movie is very predictive... Since the start you know that he's either dead or in a coma... There is even a hint at the very beginning of the movie... Also, the pace is very slow but, as I've seen from the directors comment, it was deliberate...

All in all it's worth watching... I give it a 6/10 but only if you regard this movie as a drama/thriller... As a horror it fails, since it has no elements of the genre (not enough violence, no scary moments, no surprises, and not enough creepiness) and would get 0/10

Near Dark (1987)

Not for horror fans

[2/10 · 3 December 2006]

This one is not for horror fans. The only thing that has anything to do with the horror genre is the fact that the main characters are vampires. There's not a single scary, gory or even creepy moment in the entire film. Shaun of the Dead was more horror than this one.

It's just a road movie, and a very boring one at that. Also, the plot is full of holes, and some very important questions are left unanswered.

I would recommend it only for those that must see every movie with vampires in it. Horror fans should avoid it. I've wasted 94 minutes watching it. 2/10