lordsantiago Reviews

Hybrid (2007 TV Movie)

What a let down!

[3/10 · 13 July 2008]

I hired out Hybrid on the weekend. What a disappointment! A stupid lame attempt at a tele-movie. The guy they got for the lead was totally weak and when running {he did a lot} looked like he was eating those minty sweets...with his backside! The wolf contacts he wore were great, though I feel the actor relied on them too much, as there was nothing menacing about his acting at all. The wise native American Indian chick has to be one of the most stony hard faced hags ever seen. Talk about a sour cow! She smiled about once for the entire film, and I think that is because she had sex. The sex scene was lame too. They may as well have shown blowing curtains, if you can dig that.

Last of all, and this is a big pet hate of mine, on the cover and the DVD menu, the losers digitally drew in cool sharp teeth on the guy. They were nowhere to be seen in the film. :(

Lord of the Vampires (2002)

Just awful!

[1/10 · 29 October 2006]

I can't help but wonder if the other people who gave good reviews for the film, were part of the crew. Don't be fooled readers, this film was terrible. A mate and I watched it last night. Being fans of vampire films, we've seen a lot. Don't get me wrong. I've seen dozens of low budget vampire films that I think run rings around huge budget vampire films. A films budget shouldn't hinder a good movie as long as the actors are good and the story line is sound.

If you want to make an original vampire film, don't get out a successful vampire flick and copy it. Just hire this piece of trash and see all the things you shouldn't do. The vampire makeup made us laugh every time the lead vampire Victor came on the screen. He wore a black T-shirt with what could only be a sex bondage harness over the top. His makeup was white paint on his face and red lips. It finished under his chin and went up his jaw line. His neck,arms and hands left a natural tanned colour making this him look like a gay mime instead of a threatening vampire.

The story was 3 vampires, Victor and his two brides have lived together for years. The two females bring losers home from bars and basically feed upon them in their home. 3 bandits rob a gas station and the robbery goes wrong so they take a hostage. One of the bandits gets shot in the knee with a shot gun, limps around a bit, but manages to walk it off later in the film {Reader: please roll eyes now} Anyway the bandit's car breaks down and they have to find a place close by. They find a house which happens to be the home of the 3 vampires...... A truly awful film. Opening credits {sex scene} Losers at a bar gets picked up by one of the vampire chicks and go back to her place. They 2 female vampire comes along and the loser from the bar thinks he's gone to heaven. {Sex scene} Victor comes long and he drinks from the losers heart and get it on with one of the females vampires{sex scene} You can see where this film is going. I think we counted 9 sex scenes all up and each one seemed to drag on for ages. The film went for 90 minutes, so it that really didn't leave much time for any quality story or acting. At lest it made me laugh, but for all the wrong reasons..

Ultraviolet (2006)

A special effects extravaganza wrapped in a turd!!!!

[1/10 · 17 September 2006]

I hate big budget films that stink up my DVD machine. I'd just cleaned the stink off my machine from the terrible Aeron Flux. Then I watched Ultraviolet.....Just dreadful. It was PUS!!!! I love good vampire films. I love good stories. I love BS action films, but this was just unbelievably crap!

It is poop, and needs to be wiped off and flushed forever. The title of this review says it all. Its wasn't the acting. It wasn't the special effects. It was the lack of good story telling and the fact that it was so unbelievable, it was vomitable. The loser writer/director even ripped off one of his own films. So unimaginable it was sinful. Some films stir my emotions. This one just churned my stomach. If idiots have so much cash, they are throwing it away making this crap, please throw some my way. At least I'd put it to good use. I rented this poo out on dollar Tuesday. I may as well thrown that buck straight down a toilet. At least that way it would have only taken up a small amount of my life.