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Reviews
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe (1990)
I must locate Secundus!
Abraxas. Wow. Where do I start? This film touched me in a special way. It was much the same way, in fact, that Ventura's character attempts to touch many of the young boys in the film.
Ventura's performance as the title character is incredible as he varies from ass-whooping and randomly blowing up snow to attempting to seduce young boys. It's an awe-inspiring portrayal. With his "Answer Box," which looks suspiciously like the sticker off a Nerf gun, Jesse quests to save Tommy, a frantic, hyperactive child who runs to random locations for no apparent reason and has the amazing ability to control other people's bladders. This is apparently a deadly secret called the "anti-life equation" that Ventura has to stop.
Ventura regularly ignores his programming, but the programming always provides him much more logical commands than the options he pursues. "If you let this woman live, the whole universe will be destroyed! She must die!" Somehow, since either way this woman must die, it would seem logical to save the rest of the universe, yes? Wrong! What Ventura chooses to do is ignore this command, marching away to find more snow to blow up. The plot is scattered with these lapses in logic and reason that Ventura embraces. His nemesis, Secundus also has these lapses in reason. He has no inspiration or motivation to destroy the universe, at least not one that is made apparent through the weak audio, that sounds as though it was recorded through a Fisher-Price tape player. Even the DVD has the sound quality of a Casio keyboard with a mattress being pressed against the speakers.
Another critical aspect of this film is the soundtrack, which sound more like a soft core adult film that a futuristic action thriller. The first 45 minutes sound like a Kenny G album just happens to be playing in the background, completely ruining any mood. A chase scene between two arch-nemeses becomes a playful romp in the woods. Two robot-men gripped in a life or death struggle looks more like flirtatious cuddling.
The explosions are gratuitous. The budget for this film was clearly as follows: 80%, pyrotechnical supplies; 15% delicious and refreshing Pepsi products scattered throughout, 3% vehicles, 2% makeup, costumes, lighting, sound, paying for cast and crew, and care for Mr. Ventura's dynamic rat-tail. Things explode in this film that don't ordinarily explode: snowdrifts, empty wooden crates, people's heads, etc. Oddly, car explosions are limited to maybe one, despite that several crash into the, as we all know, volatile and explosive snow. My assumption is that the producers had to return these to the Hertz dealership and had made the decision not to pay rental insurance, because as we all know, station wagon insurance is maddening.
This was another comedy-gold film that had me begging for the end like a Bills fan in a Super Bowl. I glanced at the clock when I hit the 60 minute mark, feeling as though I had been seated in one place for something like a decade watching Jesse stumble around, ignoring his programming like the good robot he is. I couldn't fathom that this went on for another 30 minutes. Thankfully, it finally came to an end, with Ventura destroying the antagonist (Sven Ole-Thorson) by testing him to see if he possessed the anti-life equation and making his head arbitrarily explode. Ventura decides to remain on Earth in the loving arms of Tommy or his mother (the film isn't exactly clear which), and we all leave the DVD player a little wiser.
Survival Island (2002)
A Brilliant and Visionary Piece of Cinema
Surival Island ranks among the moments that our young 21st Century needs to put behind it, ranking somewhere on the list between Natalee Holloway and Nickelback. As a collective society, it is our duty to try and learn from these mistakes and move on. What were the mistakes within this film that our society needs to correct in future releases? As an American, I felt this was my duty to my country, nay, the human race itself, to suffer through this visual cancer and glean from it what I could. All I got was a searing pain in my pancreas and 80 minutes off my life.
When I popped this soon-to-be-coaster-on-my-coffee-table DVD into my DVD player, I was hoping maybe that Pinata was the name of the island, or some kind of deep, entrancing metaphor. No, my prayers were unanswered. The villain of this film is a demonic piñata in the most literal form. As I watched the film, I couldn't help but wonder the inspiration behind it, despite the unnecessary and prolonged exposition detailing the creation of our Aztec/Maya/other Central American tribal piñata demon. Do our brilliant directors have a phobia from childhood they feel a need to unleash upon an unfortunate public? Apparently so.
The characters were laughably foolish college students with nothing in mind but alcohol and sex. When they discover the sin-filled piñata, they do what any logical human being would do, attempt to open it and consume the alcoholic beverages they expect to pour from its ceramic interior. Logical, yes? At this point, the evil is unleashed, and the pygmy-like creature goes on a rampage across the island. For some inexplicable reason, it transforms into a demonic, frightening and dangerous beast while traveling, but when attacking, it reverts to its non-threatening, pygmy state. Even by completely suspending my belief, nearly every plot detail of this film was utterly laughable. However, unlike most comedy-gold-horror films, this one was lost my attention and like a plague victim had me begging for the end.
This film left me asking one question over and over like a battered Nancy Kerrigan: WHY? Why would anyone find this remotely frightening? Why would anyone agree to star in this film? (A midget-piñata on a bloody rampage? This sounds like a winner!) Why would anyone want to write this? Why were the characters motivated to behave as foolishly as they did? Why is this on DVD while so many great films are not? Why had I just sat still for an hour and a half of my life that I will never get back to watch this? Do yourself a favor, donate the $5 you would blow renting/buying this to your local homeless shelter then go play some mini golf. It's a better way to spend your time, I assure you.