charlweed Reviews

Werewolf (1995 Video)

One important note: Worst single performance ever.

[1/10 · 1 March 2010]

Read the other reviews, I concur with all of them. But here is something to consider:

While I am not a true scholar of bad film, I have seen much of the MST3K collection, and countless other examples of truly wretched cinema. And in my opinion, this film may indeed have captured the worst performance in any commercially released film. It's not your ordinary woodenness, it's not merely the sheer inability to convey fear, happiness, or anger. There are countless bad actresses. Sure, the script was already incomprehensible. But that's common too.

No, I believe Adrianna Miles' performance is the result of taking a (terrible) actor, and then handing her a (terrible) script IN A LANGUAGE SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND, and only giving her the weakest possible direction on how to parrot the syllables.

Imagine Pauly Shore as the lead in a Chinese horror film, IN Chinese, where the director and voice coach hate him so much, that they refuse to even explain to him what is supposed to be happening in the scene.

To me, its the best explanation of the "This is absolutely fascinatingggg" scene, and every other time she is supposed to be performing "dialog". It's why she giggles while someone is writhing in supposed agony on the floor in front of her, and why she does not seem to recognize that the male lead is not supposed to spit in her hair while wooing her.

See this film. It may be one for the ages.

The Apple (1980)

No, don't see it.

[1/10 · 10 August 2009]

I have buddies who are MST3k fans, so I've seen some of the worst films of all time. Outlaw of Gor, Laserblast ,Killer Shrews, the utter garbage on the SciFi channel, and of course, Manos, Hands of Fate.

I hate this movie more then all the above. There is simply no excuse for how bad it is. Look at the credits. Some of those people even had TALENT. It looks like when they started, the project had MONEY. But they squandered both.

It's so outrageously painful to experience. The off-key singing. The falling apart sets and props. The ridiculous "special effects". The random editing, the sometimes missing audio. The COSTUMES! oh, the costumes...

But the worst of course is the writing. It's not *bad* writing, it's EVIL writing. The writers hated you, me,themselves and all of humanity. They hated love, truth, and beauty. The lyrics and dialog of this film are crafted to try and keep you from seeing any other movie ever again. Or listening to music. Or letting someone speak to you.

Don't watch this film. Unless you're undead, and face empty, joyless eternity as an animated corpse, then your life is too short to waste any of it on The Apple.

The Killer Shrews (1959)

Science imitates MST3K: Dolinasorex glyphodon

[1/10 · 10 August 2009]

My jaw dropped when I learned this, but Giant venomous shrews were real.

http://www.livescience.com/animals/090519-venom-shrew.html

Google "Dolinasorex glyphodon"

Scientists have found the fossil remains in Spain of a new species of mega-shrew that was capable of shooting venom out of blood-colored teeth.

The researchers describe the extinct shrew, Dolinasorex glyphodon, as "giant." Its body mass reached only 2.1 ounces (60 grams), but that is about four times heavier than a modern, large-sized member of the same family of insect-eating shrews (the Soricidae), such as the water shrew (Neomys fodiens) which weighs in at around half an ounce (14 grams).

The remains also reveal that the red-toothed shrew was capable of "injecting toxic saliva" like snakes do, via a "narrow and conspicuous channel" located on the inside surface of its lower incisors, said Juan Rofes, lead author of a new study of the shrew and a researcher in the Paleontology Department at the University of Zaragoza (UNIZAR).