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Reviews
Alone in the Dark (2005)
Why does this movie exist?
After watching this movie on Showtime, I sat on my couch and just meditated. I found myself asking questions such as "What did I just watch?" or "Why did I just sit here for an hour and 40 minutes watching this crapfest?"
I thought "well maybe I'm just really stupid, and that's why I don't have a single clue was to what happened in this film." Then I decided to check out the IMDb page for Alone in the Dark, and discovered that in fact no, I am not stupid or retarded. Unless that means that every single other person who wrote a review about this movie is also stupid or retarded. This movie in fact made no sense, and it has truly earned its title as one of the worst films of 2005.
I never played the game so I expected to miss out on a few things throughout the movie, but THE ENTIRE TIME I was watching this monstrosity I couldn't figure out what exactly was happening on screen.
Since when was Tara Reid and Christian Slater together? She just stumbles into his apartment and BAM, the most random sex scene ever. Not only was it random, but it was also incredibly awkward. I'm sorry, but a coked up, middle-aged nobody of an actor having sex with a semi-starlet like Tara Reid should never be filmed. EVER.
How does this old guy have control over these Alien-wannabes? Why did I need to be told the incredibly confusing storyline through the use of a 4 minute block of scrolling text?
This is exactly how one should NOT direct a movie. It does not need to exist in any form of the word, and I would only suggest this movie to my mortal enemies.
Chopping Mall (1986)
If there is one thing I learned from this movie...
...it's that robots have very bad aim.
Many people may say this is a bad movie, many people say it's good. The truth is, it's an incredibly bad movie. So bad in fact, that it's awesome...in a bad way.
Allow me to explain. This movie is by no means "good" in any way. By "good" I mean containing a thrilling story-line, remarkable characters, and an astounding resolution which can tie these things together. All while being completely devoid of plot holes. By saying "Chopping Mall is not good", I am saying just that. It lacks all these things. Every single one of them.
Is the movie "entertaining" however? Yes. Very much so. It's hard not to be entertained by a bunch of horny teenagers parading around a shopping mall while firing wildely at a bunch of homicidal robots. In fact, it's damn near impossible. Of course not unless you take things too seriously.
If you are the type of person who takes movies too seriously, do not see this film. Stay as far away from it as possible. Every minute of it will leave you scratching your head with a dull, puzzled look on your face as you begin to question the existence of humanity.
If you aren't like this however, then by all means give the film a shot. It's one of those cheesy B-Movies you watch just to laugh at how incredibly lame it really is. The over-exaggerated acting, the terrible special effects, the completely dreadful script, all of it adds up to one incredibly entertaining time.
My only real gripe was the god-awful soundtrack. Everything sounds as if it were written by a tone-deaf 12 year old, and then produced on the cheapest Casio Keyboard you could find. Think of the soundtrack from Troll 2. Now imagine you have cancer. That's how bad the soundtrack is.
RECAP-- Bad movie, but very entertaining. Awful soundtrack, may cause tumors. My suggestion? At least give it a shot. It's no Troll 2, but it's just as entertaining. 7/10
Scary Movie 4 (2006)
Should've been called "Pop-Culture References 4".
Scary Movie 4 is the fourth installment in a series which started as extremely funny, interesting, and rich with plot, and is now nothing more then a pile of immature fart jokes and physical slapstick.
I went into the theatre knowing to catch a crowd of 12 year olds and immature ghetto people. I was not disappointed. The last time I saw this many pre-teens at once was in Middle school. The last time I saw this many ghetto people at once, was when I was stuck in Camden trying to get home as fast as possible.
The movie begins with parody of Saw, 2004's hit suspense/thriller. Of course, the parody does the original no justice. The entire prologue amounts to nothing more then a joke everyone has seen in the trailer, where Dr. Phil cuts off his foot to escape from his chains, only to realise that he has cut off the wrong foot. He falls over and the real movie begins. Somewhere in between the Scary Movie 4 logo and the foot scene, I think the writers expected people to laugh.
I'm pretty sure there wasn't a plot. If there was, it was so poorly woven together it could easily fool anyone into thinking otherwise. Cindy Campbell(Anna Farris) finds a new job watching after an old lady who cannot care for herself. Little does she know, the house is haunted for some reason. They won't go into why the house is haunted, since that would mean the writers would need decent writing skills, so instead they just skip all of the logic and continue hitting each other with blunt objects.
With the exception of Leslie Nielson, the acting is god awful. Even the veterans seem to feel the movie is being drawn out too far. The lines are delivered without enthusiasm or libido. Everyone comes off as an idiot, and rightfully so.
Onto the actual humor of the movie...if you can call it that. While the first movie revolved around sexual humor, puns and clever jokes, this one is all about being hit with as many absurd objects as possible. If you find it hilarious when people are smashed in the face with a giant rock, then this might be the movie for you. But even for those few fans, it gets old. Sure, it was nice the first time (although still not funny), but after the 30th time (heck, even after the second time) it's old and played out. Now, when the actors aren't hitting other people with blunt objects or bumbling around like idiots, they're using as much lame sexual innuendo as possible.
Yes, we get it, Tom Cruise might be gay. Please, just move on. OK, Brenda is a slut, we understood the first time she said something sexual. Also, what's with the poop humor? Is it really that funny when someone poops in public? It's just bad.
In the end, if you're a 12 year old boy or a stupid ghetto person, you will love this movie. Otherwise just save your money.
Stay Alive (2006)
Worst Horror movie of '06
If not the worst horror movie ever made.
Let us start with the beginning shall we? The movie starts off as generic gamer #1(Milo Ventimiglia) begins his beta test of a new survival-horror video game much like the Resident Evil and Silent Hill franchises. You are sucked in with the cheesy video game graphics as a bunch of zombie babies begin to attack him.
He walks into a torture room (which makes no sense right now, since later on in the movie the same torture room is portrayed somewhere far deeper in the mansion) and is assaulted by a lady in a red dress. He is thrown off of the balcony with a chain wrapped around his neck.
The game ends with a very original "Game Over" message as generic gamer #1 starts to tremble in fear.
Cue roommates having sex in pig masks for no apparent reason.
Several boring minutes pass until he finally wanders downstairs to get a glass of milk before bed. A glass of milk which he throws at THE GHOST OF THE LADY IN THE RED DRESS! Didn't see that coming did you?
Anyway, his roommates are dead now (good, who wants a bunch of furries living anyway?) and he is thrown off of the balcony of his home with a chain wrapped around his neck, just like the video game.
This movie has more plot holes then swiss cheese. Something happens, and then they give you no explanation as to how that happened.
For instance, towards the end of the movie several characters are being chased by the police because they are the prime suspects in the recent murder of a police officer who also played the game. The only problem is, the movie ends before they resolve that. It's as if nothing went wrong.
Second, who made this game? Who has the programming knowledge to form something like this? When they reach their final destination, they actually show some evidence that there is someone living in this mansion. The only problem is they don't go anywhere with it. I can assume that the person is dead but they show no evidence at all. So let's just say he doesn't exist at all and that this movie sucks.
Third, at the end, as soon as they finish their task...that's it. They don't show you anything, no talking, no cheesy punchlines, nothing.
"Hey, instead of an actual ending, let's just make an obscure reference to this game actually being released to the public"
"But, what about the rest of the story? What about the police and the kids? What happens to them?"
"Nope, we wasted all of our money on cheesy graphics and crappy actors. We cant possibly afford a plausible ending."
Let me wrap this up before I start to hurt myself. Do not see this movie unless you want to waste your money. The graphics are cheap, the acting is poor and the story is weak. You will not laugh, you will not shriek, you will not enjoy yourself.
Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County (1998)
Made to feel like the real thing.
This is the way I figure it. This movie is made to be like what people would assume a realistic abduction tape would be like. If you were to find a real tape containing footage of aliens invading someone's home and eventually abducting them, this is the way the director thinks that tape would play like.
It's not a real documentary, but a movie made about what a documentary on this topic would be like.
Get it? Anyway, I really liked it. I saw it 8 years ago when I was 10 and now I am finally seeing it again now that I can understand that it's fake. I mean, the oldest brother is from the movie Wrongfully Accused. :P The cameraman acts exactly the way I would've acted if I had a camera during that particular situation. I would never want to miss a beat because I would know that my footage could possibly change the way the people of our world think about life in our universe. The people asking him to turn off the camera were being irrational and selfish.
The effects (though cheap) are effective in that they get the job done. You know it's a ray gun as soon as you see it. The ball of light worked just fine imo. Many people say "oh but it didn't reflect or reveal any shadows". All I have to say to this is that the beings that created the light are not from our planet, and perhaps this planets rules of light does not apply to everything they have.
The ending was great, it really tied the whole thing together.
Anyway I am terrible at reviews but I am giving this a 7 out of 10. The only reason it's not getting an 8+ is because the dialogue is a bit cheesy at times, and the reactions are a bit cliché'.