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Ace_Striker
Reviews
Walker, Texas Ranger (1993)
Am I obsessed? Maybe...
I started watching Walker when the last season came out on DVD, and I needed to do some serious Chuck Norris research for a little film spoof I was doing...I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I have said it before, and I will say it again; Chuck Norris can not act! He plays himself in everything he has ever done. This somehow leads me to believe that it isn't just the show that everybody loves, but Chuck himself. There is something about this man that everybody finds so amazing, that they will put up with eight seasons of a crappy show to see! But then there are the other things that make WTR one of the best/worst shows of all time. I'll list a few in no particular order. 1. Chuck...sorry, Walker, always knows exactly what is going on at all times. 2. *Trivette answers the phone* "Trivette...yeah, he's right here." *Hands the phone to Walker. 3. Walker's wife calls him Walker. 4. In the episode where Francis loses his hearing, he acts more retarded than deaf. 5. Walker fights one guy, while Trivette fights up to three. 6. "Yeah, I know." 7. When you are nearing the end of a fight, you can depend on the sound of thunder to accompany a punch or kick, upgrading them to "Thunder Punch", and "Thunder Kick"'s. 8. Chuck sings the theme in later seasons. 9. Criminals seem to flock to Texas, despite the fact that they execute people for the hell of it, and with some knowledge of Walker and all the a$$ kicking he does. 10. No matter who did the most work in the "investigations" on the show, Walker always shows up at the end to take all the credit. 11. Walker once asked "Baby flu?"...one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
The list goes on and on, and I don't understand it. This is one of those shows that you watch, but refuse to admit to it. I can only describe it as this...it is a science fiction/fantasy show, with no science fiction/fantasy elements.
Bells of Innocence (2003)
What an angel...
I recently had the idea to make a short film featuring a man who is hit by a car and wakes up thinking that he himself is Chuck Norris. This meant that I would have to do extensive Chuck research, and find out as much as I could about the man. I later find out that he is not in fact a man, but an angel sent from heaven. With a face like that, who could ever doubt it? I have watched more Chuck Norris movies in the last four months than any one person should. I am proud to say that Bells of Innocence ranks pretty close to the top of the all time worst list. I spent most of the film wondering if I could return my copy to the local Wal-Mart without the receipt, which I had been biting down on to keep myself from swallowing my own tongue. The biggest reason why I chose to purchase this film was that it not only had Chuck in it, but his son Mike. I was anxious to see if Mike was a chip off the old can't-act-his-way-out-of-a-wet-paper-bag block. I came to the conclusion a long while ago; the Chuck Norris is one of the worst actors in cinematic history for one simple reason. The only character he ever plays is himself, Chuck Norris. No matter what movie, no matter what situation, he is always Chuck Norris. The one thing that he holds over his son is that he is consistent. Mike doesn't seem to understand how human emotions work. In the scene where he is talking to the little girl about his dead daughter, he seems to be extremely happy! Maybe this is because he actually pushed his daughter out into traffic, as depicted in one of the oddest flashbacks of all time. His actions confused me throughout the film, making it very hard for me to focus on what little plot there was. The other two lead actors were just as painful to watch as the son of Norris. The guy, who constantly wants to eat or tell a stupid peacock joke, was simply one of the most annoying characters that has ever graced the Direct-to-Video screen. The only thing I remember him being in other than this movie, was an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, in which he plays an equally annoying character. Maybe Chuck owes this guy something. The other guy, which is the only name I can think of because he was so forgettable, was your average Christian fanatic. I don't have anything against Christians, in fact I am one, but this guy was just too much for me. To round out the story, you have a multitude of townspeople who love to call people "friend", and a couple of villains who don't seem to be able to decide which one of them is in charge. Not to mention the creepy kids who remind me of the dollar store version of every other group of creepy kids in movies. All in all, the movie is possibly one of the biggest failures of all time, on more levels than Chuck Norris can kick people's asses. Despite being one of the worst actors of all time, I still can't get enough of Chuck. Maybe he really was sent from heaven...