vatlva Reviews

Kill Command (2016)

It is what it is

[5/10 · 24 May 2016]

Just watched Kill Command.

What is there to say? Thirty years ago, you'd go to a video store and there would be lots of futuristic sci fi/cyberpunk/distopian/futuristic military type films available for rental, most of which never made it to the cinema screen and starred actors you'd never heard of and would never see again. THIS is the 21st century version of those types of old VHS film.

Good things in this - the actors can all generally act and are pretty convincing, even in their death throes. The CGI special effects are exceptional in places, moreso for what is a clearly low budget film - the main antagonist (the big bad boy killing machine robot with caterpillar tracks) is truly awesome. Scared the crap out of me. There are times when you'd be forgiven for thinking it was actually a real model of a robot it's so well done. Why do they always make these killer robots look completely evil?? Anyway, it must be computer generated and its really good! The flying drones which repeatedly kept bugging the squad in the film were less convincing and while I'm sure they were needed to add to some of the scenes, they were generally a nuisance mainly because they were not as realistic.

Battle scenes, flying projectiles and explosions were all pretty awesome.

However, as with everything I still found some faults. The complete lack of a back story of any kind at the outset was pretty lame really. The individual I watched this film with asked me 20 minutes into it if they had missed some kind of Blade Runner-esqe text introduction at the start that I may have fast forwarded... nope. There was none. It would have been much better with a clear back story.

The fact that these highly trained futuristic computer augmented soldiers seemed unable to see these clunky caterpillar tracked robots approaching them in a forest that was hardly dense was also a bit implausible... so you're telling me a highly trained soldier is sneaking about and this behemoth of a killer murder-droid with half a Sherman tank stuck to it manages to jump on him from out of no-where? Suspend your disbelief if you will, and remember, it's only sci fi. While I would have been disappointed if I'd been sitting in the cinema watching this it is certainly adequate for (and clearly made for) a home movie. My rating is 5 out of 10. I would watch this again and I'm sure it would be even better second time around.

Low budget film makers take note of this. This is what you should be equaling at the very least.

Fat Pizza (2003)

Overly vulgar but inexplicably enjoyable

[7/10 · 15 March 2016]

After initially deciding to switch off after thirty seconds, then being unable to find the remote, I instead looked at reviews of this film to see what the Hell was going on - the first line of the first review was something along the lines of 'typically Australian!' - then I instantly went into Australian film mode and managed to sit through the entire film.

I am unfamiliar with most of these actors, I've never heard of the TV series or this film, and had no idea what to expect but I found my brain reminding me that I have also seen and enjoyed Bad Taste, Body Melt etc - and enjoyed them - that's when I clicked what typically-Australian actually means. Basically, they do not give one single solitary sh*t what people think of them as there are never any consequences for the Aussies after being politically incorrect, overly-vulgar, exploitative or rude and that is why I enjoyed the film so much. Real breath of fresh air.

I have read that this is a low budget production - I don't know whether that is true especially given this movie has a cast of hundreds of people, lots of motorcycles and muscle cars getting smashed up, lots of different filming locations etc but I really wish someone responsible for the terrible conveyor belt of British low budget 'comedies' and 'thrillers' would look at this to get a better idea of how to do an entertaining film without needing world famous actors, amazing special effects or a real story, as I've been bearing witness lately to the destruction of the lower end of the UK film industry by people who don't seem to have the foggiest idea what they are doing.

So, what did I learn about the Sydney suburbs as a newcomer to this franchise? Well, there are hardly any white caucasian people and those that exist are inbred drug dealing lowlifes and bikies - the rest of the population consists of Arabs, Asians and African Caribbeans, all of who are criminals. Most of the women have smoking hot bodies but faces like smacked-arses and the police are all completely incapable of policing. And there are more than a few dwarfs.

Sounds like my sort of town....

Hooligans at War: North vs. South (2015)

I recommend everyone watch this, just to make you appreciate every other film you hate

[1/10 · 21 February 2016]

After watching this irksome low-budget production, I scanned over the reviews already on here, bad and good. The positive ones name drop the directors and one or two other performers, but mainly someone who happens to be director, writer and performer. Really? In this case it might be better not drawing attention to individuals. I hardly think that potential future investors in projects involving any of these people will be motivated to open their wallets by these positive so-called reviews given all the positives appear at the bottom of the page and the negatives appear at the top. It would surely be easier for people to fiddle the anonymous ratings or 'thumb-down' the real reviews rather than making things up and praying for the best outcome? Most intelligent people can spot a fake or dubious review a mile off anyway I would imagine, given that I know I can.

This is cheap, in almost every way. From the amateurishly recorded cockney voice-over (used in every single gangster film these days but for a different reason here) to the fact that the outdoor army scenes were filmed in the park next to where the pub scenes were filmed - clearly. Some money must have been spent on it somewhere along the way but it appears there are a lot of people in this who probably worked for free. The main characters are really low-quality actors who are unlikely to ever see the light at the end of the tunnel in the world of cinema if they carry on involving themselves in productions as horrid as this. The story itself has already been covered on this page so I won't go into it, but the appaulingness of it all has to be seen to be believed, but hopefully not by anyone I love. I for one can not believe how some men and women have so much free time on their hands they are able to waste it chucking together this mound of everything that could possibly be bad in cinema. Bad directors. Bad actors - even the Best Boy needs a quiet word had. As mentioned, one of the directors wrote this and plays the main character so says it all, really.

This isn't supposed to be a comedy, but there were some laugh-out-loud moments in it which I appreciated, however unintentional they must have been. The segment halfway through where a bunch of fat men jump out of a car to perform an act of armed robbery on a wagon driver was 100% utter hilarity. Because the vast majority of the performers and extras (try differentiating between the two, its tough) are so laughably overweight and unfit, they actually sped up the footage to make it look like they were exiting the vehicle faster than they were able so for a few seconds it looked like something out of The Benny Hill Show. All that was needed was Yakety Sax on the soundtrack and this could have been a real comedy. It didn't stop there. Two thirds of the way through, there is a scene where some overweight, puffed out, tight clothed, absolutely unbelievable combat troops are surveying an abandoned building - somewhere in Eastern Europe. Problem is, the film is so disrespectful to it's audience they didn't even bother to get rid of the 'R' reg British registration plates from the Iveco truck prop they had borrowed from the breakers. Disgraceful. Really, really bad.

I must add as well that although I love combat films, having recently had the privilege of seeing the much unknown Hyena Road (a real film which cost more than a fiver) I resent someone trying to convince me that a squad of British soldiers would all (and I mean ALL) be at least 4 stone overweight. How would they cope in a real combat situation? Fat people like this would not pass basic training in the United Kingdom armed forces and the attempt to convince anyone otherwise is farcical and unrealistic. Its no wonder our forces are regarded by some other countries as a joke. I hope no-one out there has the bad luck to watch this and think this is what its really like. God Almighty.

The film ventures too far into the realms of fantasy and I can tell you from experience that a 20 stone overweight trooper walking around in this day and age in any part of the world refusing to wear a chin strap, refusing to carry his rifle and simultaneously trying to anger and wind up his mates in a seriously dangerous combat situation would not happen in a million years. He would have been filtered out early on after filling out his application form with his sausage fingers and would probably be in military prison or sucking his lard through a straw after almost being beaten to death by a bunch of squad-mates using bars of soap inside socks. Its all just so unrealistic.

Never mind the hooligan part of the film. Because they only employed fat men of indeterminate vintage, just about all of the characters blend into one and it's generally impossible to tell one from the other, which I would imagine is the reason for the joke voice-over to try to remind viewers who is who. All except that is the main performer whose character is called 'Chris'. He has at least an allover short back and sides, not a cropped hairstyle and so stands out - but not in a good way. My suggestion would be to remain in the fatigues and hide in some long reeds.

I would suggest a good way to get these intended future Oscar winners to stand out and be different from the other people in the film would be to have some acting ability. Either that or go back to working in Halfords. It would be a far less painful and more enjoyable experience for anyone interested in cinema.