mkelleher120870 Reviews

Mel-Un (2016)

MEL-UN A LEM-UN

[3/10 · 10 June 2021]

I watched this on youtube without subtitles and so, being English, I did not understand a word of it. I've seen a few of the classic bad Turkish movies, like Turkish Star Wars, Homoti, Female Turkish Hamlet, Turkish Rambo, Turkish Dracula etc, and so incomprehension is not exactly a novel experience for me.

Mel-un, however is my first modern Turkish movie (from 2016), it's an exorcism themed horror effort and sadly, the power of Allah compels me to exorcise this lifeless exercise to Turkish Hell.

Set in a drab little village, a group of drab women sit about talking (Allah only knows about what), while the drab men-folk hang around the mosque. (One seemingly endless scene focuses on the men leaving the mosque one by one, slipping on their shoes and walking out of frame). A crazy old witch (who'd be great in Turkish Female MacBeth) mumbles and spits evil incantations, and the pretty daughter of one of the drab women becomes possessed.

This accomplished, the witch is seen no more - a shame, as she's the only fun to be had here), and the demon is loose in the village to do not very much really. She does rip a dog to pieces and sledgehammer an old drab's head in, but not in much style. The men spy on her in the graveyard whilst she performs some ritual on two of their pals apparently involving psychic removal of their hearts. The head guy reads a verse from the Koran and then suddenly Turkish Regan is chained up in a barn.

And that's where she spends the rest of the film, muttering in a ridiculous demon voice, whilst the disinterested remainder of the cast go through the ritualistic motions of the exorcism.

It's a lack of interest that runs all the way through the film. No one seems at all surprised or concerned about the presence among them of an ages old Demon, the women keep on chatting and the men keep hanging at the mosque. At one point someone's car breaks down. Ah, the demon must have done it. They complete their journey on foot, irrelevantly. The demon steps into the path of a girl, mumbles some demonic threat. The girl simply walks off.

Lame computer effects (aren't they all?) spray holy water and noxious gas all over the show to put the movie to bed with all the rotten cheapo modern horrors that give bad movies a bad name.

It could have been fun... but if you want a real Satanic Turkish delight, stick with Seytan (the Turkish Exorcist).

Harry Black and the Tiger (1958)

Stereotyped characters mar fine performance from cat

[5/10 · 8 May 2015]

To be fair, I went into this with something less than an open mind; I was always going to be rooting for the tiger, maneater or not. However, it wasn't hard to maintain my stance, given the lack of any single human character herein who doesn't quickly wear out their screen-welcome and have you baying for their blood.

There are a couple of good scenes, most notably one in which villagers drive the tiger towards the hunters using elephants and making a god awful racket with drums and horns, and the tiger itself exudes charisma (sadly lacking in it's human co-stars) each time it appears.

The love affair between Stewart Granger and Anne Rush, which takes up much screen time including a lengthy flashback sequence, is one reason the film never crackles into life, but there is another factor which puts the fire out altogether.

Child star Martin Stephens plays possibly the most simperingly irritating cute kid I've ever encountered. More sickeningly sugar coated than an Elvis Christmas album, he makes Hamchunk from The Green Berets look like John Wayne from The Green Berets. How I prayed for the tiger to tear him apart every time he appeared on screen.

So anyway, Stewart and his faithful Indian sidekick ("as long as I am at your side, Mr Harry") eventually of course kill the tiger, Granger loves and loses the girl, and to cap it all off the cute kid cutely asks for and receives the tigers skin as a souvenir of his beloved Harry.

Despite these complaints, I did enjoy some of this film, the location shooting and the shots of the tiger especially, and would say it's definitely worth watching once.

Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (1978 TV Movie)

Bad Dog gets Lucky

[2/10 · 24 April 2015]

A trio of satanists, led by a beautiful ex-Bond girl, buy a best-in-class mutt named Lady for their devilish breeding program. After a ludicrous sabbat with dubious acolytes mumbling their mistresses mumbo jumbo, the coven vacate the shed they are in and the evil one (literally, and thankfully off-screen) enters.

Switch to the Barry family. Richard Crenna and Yvette Mimieux discover their dog Skipper has been the victim of a satanic hit and run. You know the satanists are responsible because a neighbour saw the BLACK station wagon responsible. Daughter Kim Richards is heartbroken and vows never to own another dog ever. Her resolve lasts all of 5 minutes as soon a fruit and vegetable selling satanist turns up with Lady (happily recovered from her ordeal) and her cute-as-buttons brood of hell hounds...

And so the Devil's evil plan is set in motion.

Lucky quickly dispatches by fire the Spanish maid who sees through his fluffy cuteness, and brainwashes the children. He then brutally murders next doors dog, then the neighbour himself.

Despite its overall atmosphere of tedium, this film does have one effective scene and another which tips the beastliness over into bestiality. The former has the by-now-full- grown pooch mesmerise Crenna into almost jamming his fist into the whirring blades of a lawn mower, whilst the latter sees him lure Yvette into the bedroom (Lucky is well named). What happens in there is left to the imagination but afterwards she is transformed into a lusty slut only too willing to carry out her masters bidding.

So there is plenty too laugh at for bad movie lovers, but sadly the second half of the film drags on its lead like an enthusiastic untrained 1 year old. Crenna consults a range of needless stock characters (a doctor, a supernatural bookshop owner and a ridiculous old shaman played by Victor Jory), all of whom could have been condensed into one, before eventually vanquishing his canine foe in an equally senseless encounter with sub par special effects in an abandoned factory.

I seriously doubt whether this mixture of comedy devil worship and its entirely unthreatening doggy villain will raise anyone's hackles. Although I've given this a very low score, I have to admit that I quite enjoyed watching it, it just should have been about twenty minutes shorter.

Seytan (1974)

The Supremacy of Allah Obliges You

[10/10 · 11 April 2015]

Do you know what she did? Your charming Turkish daughter.

A more or less shot-for-shot remake of William Friedkin's better known "The Exorcist", this 1974 Turkish interpretation has come in for a lot of flak over the years, and yet, despite its somewhat 'low-budget-knock-off' reputation, still retains a supernatural power all of its own.

First off, I see no real reason to slate a bunch of cash-strapped movie makers simply for taking an idea from the filthy lucre dripping devils of Hollywood. There are countless versions of and remakes of, for instance, Dracula, including the early knock-off "Nosferatu" which is of course now regarded as a classic. Perhaps "Seytan" itself will one day regarded as a milestone in movie surrealism.

Yes, surrealism. A piece of art can be called surrealistic when it takes a common object or theme (the obvious example being Dali's timepieces) and then contorts them and bends them into something different and somehow sinister. And this is exactly what director Metin Erksan (of "Turkish Female Hamlet" fame) does with his source material here. What was once Roman Catholic is now Islamic, where once the 'power of Christ compelled you' so now the supremacy of Allah obliges you, and so on.

The film also features some standout performances from its cast: Cihan Anal gives a powerhouse performance as Tugrul Bilge (Karras, in the other version), he looks a bit like a Turkish Gene Hackman but is the better actor; and then there is Canan Pervert as Gül (Regan) whose understated and subtle turn brings so much more to the part of a young girl experiencing the most terrifying demonic phenomena. Agast Hün as the unnamed exorcist also shines, although Meral Taygun as Gül's mum comes across as a little too icy and hard nosed in some scenes.

Some wonderful moments to watch for include the 'bouncing on the bed' scene, Bilge's fall/leap onto the stairs (he just keeps on rolling!!!) and the electrifying moment when the papier mâché demon itself appears in the bedroom prompting Gül to worship it on the bed. And how the scene in which Gül repeatedly stabs herself in the private area (here the crucifix from the US version is substituted for a demon-headed letter opener) passed the Turkish censor I will never know...

The movie finishes with the lovely touch of Gül in a mosque, symbolically making her peace with an obvious Mohammed figure, but to be honest, the viewer is still left with that nagging feeling of uneasiness which leaves you unable to sleep peacefully, a quality it shares with its American cousin.

Finally, although this movie is available on DVD with English subs, I watched this in its original Turkish format so may have missed a few choice comedy translations. Even so, this was an hour and forty minutes well spent - a masterpiece of Turkish cinema.

Lollipop Monster (2011)

German Teenage Angst

[6/10 · 5 April 2015]

I watched this on the off chance that it would be a sleazy German comedy!/horror, detailing the deprivations of a frozen phallic popsicle. which probably says it all for my expectations of German cinema!

what I actually got with 'Lollipop Monster', however, was a kind of coming of age flick about two teenage girls coming to terms with big death and sexuality issues. and I must admit it was pretty well done on the whole, especially when dealing with Ari's 'going goth', a really fun scene involving a terrible German pop video (one of several - I don't know if this is typical German pop but I kind of hope so) which is playing on Ari's TV whilst she paints her bedroom jet black with a roller.

unlike more typical German fayre, this doesn't overdo things in the explicit sex and violence stakes, but gets it's points across pretty well anyhow.

I did find the use of animation and 'experimental' shots pretty annoying pretty rapidly, though.

overall? suck it and see.

Catnip: Egress to Oblivion? (2012)

cheap cash-in exploits deadly trade

[8/10 · 5 March 2015]

Whilst posing as an educational short, warning of the dangers of the powerful narcotic catnip, this movie is currently being hawked around carnivals and sleazy drive-in theatres by it's makers in an obvious ploy to exploit and cash in on this disturbing phenomenon.

Every type of cheap come-on is employed, from bright, distorted visuals meant to replicate the so called 'trip' experienced by users, to 'hip', nausea inducing music, all designed to add to the glamour and allure that the narrative claims to warn against.

And then there are the addicts themselves. A truly rum bunch, one suspects at least one or two of them are just out of work actors, although it is hard to believe that the outré behaviour of others could ever be performed unless under the influence of some kind of substance.

It is sad to note, finally, that cat owners taking their pets to see this film in good conscience, are actually more likely to assist the pushers in their evil practises.

One of the most exploitative films I've sin, this exploits the victims as well as the viewers. The makers of this one should hang their heads in shame.

I only gave it 8/10 because I am off my head on the nip myself.

Üç Süpermen Olimpiyatlarda (1984)

Turkish SUPERMENTAL

[7/10 · 1 March 2015]

Random inserts of horse racing, a cardboard box robot with phallic weaponry, at least three seemingly unconnected story lines, Turkish Michael Palin in a double act with Turkish Robbie Coltrane, assorted masked villains and our titular heroes. Yes, this pretty much has everything you would expect from a Turkish low budget superhero flick.

What it doesn't have however, is very much at all to do with the Olympics, which is a shame, because the potential for extended Turkish training montages was what drew me to this film in the first place. Instead, we see our heroes (one of whom seems to have a smoking addiction!) perform a token javelin throw (a stick lobbed into trees), a shot putt (it takes two of them to pick up a small rock) and a high jump (at coffee table height), before apparently travelling backwards and forwards in time, aided by Turkish Fu Manchu.

It would probably be unfair of me to say that this film is an incoherent mess; after all, I watched it without the aid of English subtitles and I have not seen 'Three Supermen Against the Godfather' which this is the sequel to. But this movie is an incoherent mess.

But, like Turkish Star Wars, this had me laughing my head off and I recommend it to all lovers of bad movies and cinema from another world.