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lazyfukkkah
Reviews
Last Lives (1997)
Give a 9-year-old a word processor.... and tell him to write a screenplay
I give this film a 4 but I think its rather generous since all 4 points are earned for humor value.
This film can be summed up as such : Judge Reinhold gives a masterful performance as Merkin, a trans-dimensional inventor / scientist of sorts who chases a homicidal lust-driven maniac through a space portal that goes to Earth. Maniac and his two cronies come to Earth to steal the girl. All three baddies are armed to the gills with devastating weaponry whose clips never run dry. Scientist gives girl's fiancée some bracelets that, if worn during death, will recreate organic tissue and bring the wearer back to life. Fortunately there are a bunch of these bracelets so the fiancée can die a bunch of times. Judge Reinhold dies in a fiery car explosion, bringing a tear to anyone's eye in his Oscar-worthy performance about "being a man who has no fear of death". In the end, the cronies die, the main baddie gets his just desserts, and the fiancée gets his girl back.
This movie is a bona fide turkey. If this film had hit the box office when I was 8 years old, all the boys in my 3rd Grade class probably would have loved it. Unfortunately I would not show this to any 8 year old, in fear that this priceless piece of Americana would leave my young impressionable friend with a jaded opinion of American cinema. I have three bits of advice regarding this film:
TO THE WRITER: Next script, write yourself and don't let your kid do all the work.
TO JUDGE REINHOLD: Stick to Beethoven flicks.
TO THE PROSPECTIVE AUDIENCE: Unless you're like me and find humor in all the movies your friends can't stand, leave this one on the shelf and rent something much better, like Weekend at Bernie's.
Night of the Zombies (1981)
and I thought I knew bad
I give this film a resounding 1 out of 10 because ZERO is not an option. I am a junkie for poorly-executed cinematic catastrophes, but this film made me cringe and shudder for 90 minutes. I thought that Open Water was the worst film I had ever spent money on to watch, but after I bought a copy of Night of the Zombies II from the Better Than a Pawnshop I quickly changed my tune. This movie doesn't make any sense. A painfully obvious example of its complete nonsensical nature is its title; Night of the Zombies TWO, which does NOT happen to be the sequel to Night of the Zombies ONE. "CIA Headquarters" in "Langley" looks more like a Best Western in Gary, Indiana. There are Nazi zombies, and some bonus nudity, two less-than-adequate consolation rewards for the poor saps like myself who had to suffer through this feature. But try understanding ANYTHING that's happening in this movie, and watch your head spin.
I see this film as an instrument for building character. You will never get bored driving through Iowa or sitting through Econ 101 as long as you live if you can manage to enjoy this movie sober.