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Isle of the Dead (2016)
Why? Why did I watch another Asylum movie?
If you're looking for a serious summary of this movie, click the back button and read it or check out another review. If someone asked me to review this movie, I'd ask them if they've heard of The Asylum. If they said yes, I'd say it's The Asylum's version of Resident Evil. If they said no, I would say one word: Sharknado.
I've seen a lot of Asylum movies; usually when I come home drunk late at night and the SyFy channel is playing them. They're usually so terrible that you have no choice but to laugh, but this? No. Joey Lawrence was the only "actor" whose name I recognized, and he's horrible, so I figured I'd be laughing the whole time. Once again, no. Not one laugh the entire movie. After watching this garbage, I came here and found out the blonde is some WWE wrestler and her dad is the guy who does Albert Wesker's voice in the Resident Evil games. I've been playing those games on and off since the first one, so the latter is really disappointing. They even named him Aiden Wexler which I never even noticed while watching the film. Once again, not funny. My last complaint would be the horrible military tactics of a "special forces" unit (flagging each other non-stop would be the biggest), but then again, this is an Asylum movie, so you can't expect much. I know they'd never spend money on a military adviser who was actually in a combat MOS.
TL;DR It's an Asylum movie, but it's WAY worse than usual.
From Straight A's to XXX (2017)
What a load of crap
After watching the movie then reading about Belle Knox, I realized the majority of the movie was made up in an attempt to make her look like a victim. Then again, it was a Lifetime movie and they usually try to paint the woman as the victim, so that shouldn't surprise anyone. Seriously, spend 10 minutes doing some research on Belle Knox, and you'll find that 99% of this movie is a lie. There was no mention of mental illness or her being a cutter, and in reality, that was the truth. They made her out to be this good little Catholic girl, and that couldn't be further from the truth. She has scars all over her legs from where she used to cut herself (she even carved the word "fat" into her leg), so there's obviously something wrong with her mind. No mention of that at all. In her first real adult scene, there was no makeup lady, she was never slapped and she asked them to do all the disgusting stuff after claiming she was a feminist. This "based on a true story" crap is just 100% modern day feminist propaganda where women aren't allowed to be held accountable for the choices THEY MAKE regardless of how bad the outcome is. Don't waste your time.
Aftermath (2014)
Don't let the good reviews fool you
Ed needs drug money!!! There are so many things wrong with this movie that it's hard to find something nice to say about it. Don't let the good reviews fool you; they were probably written by family members of the cast. Here are some of the thoughts I had while watching this garbage. Why is it that when the doctor gets shot the bullet hole is through and through yet he's somehow able to pull a bullet out? Who keeps a Geiger counter lying around? At the end of day 1, they act like they've been in that cellar for months, so why is everyone always breathing heavy when they're not doing anything? Edward Furlong pretending to be angry is pretty funny but his acting is terrible. I'm pretty sure the only reason he was cast was for comedic value. He looks completely strung out which he probably is. Why are they smoking around a pregnant woman? Why doesn't the guy trying to break in the cellar announce himself? It's obvious that he could hear them. Then, when he gets shot, it's through his wrist but he's acting like he's about to die. How does the kid die from pneumonia so fast? How did I manage to sit through this entire movie? There's a lot more, but I'm running out of space here so all I'll say is this movie is terrible and don't waste your time.
The Guest (2014)
How are people giving this a good review?
This has to be one of the most predictable movies I've ever seen. So this dude comes into town, and almost immediately, people start dying. No one suspects a thing until the stupid blonde decided to start snooping around, which ruins the movie. A team of professional killers wouldn't just roll up to the house where they think the guy is in the middle of the day. They didn't even do any surveillance...they just drive right up and get slaughtered. How did the guy with the SAW not mow him down when he broke out of the garage? So David takes off with the Suburban not far behind him, and it takes the MP guy forever to catch up to where David wrecked the car. I know it had 2 flat tires, but c'mon! Then David walks into a corn field, and a few minutes later, he's driving a minivan. Where did he get the minivan and how did he know what diner she worked at? And why did he kill the people at the diner? To "tie up loose ends?" That was completely unnecessary. Why did no one freak out when he shot the girl? Why did he throw the 2 frag grenades? I've thrown a few frags in my day and they only have a kill radius of about 5 meters, so what about the people in the kitchen? Oh and he rolled those frags pretty far, so there's no way the doors would blow out like that. How the heck did the military police guy know about the explosion? How did he know the mother was dead? He never even went in the house. Is he psychic? Then, the best line in the movie "how do I get through this maze?" Ummmmm keep walking you idiot. Why does David leave the gun next to the guys body? Don't you think he'd wanna keep that? You know, to kill people with. Why does the high school only have 2 exits? Like most people, I went to high school, and my high school had a lot of exits. The girl shoots him, and he somehow disappears in ankle high fog. Why doesn't he stab her somewhere that would kill her? She has a gun! How did David not die??? He was shot 3 times and stabbed in the chest! Bottom line: this movie was terrible.
V/H/S Viral (2014)
Why???
Were you a fan of VHS 1 and 2? Me too! Now forget about them. Forget about them, because that's exactly what the people who made this movie did. I gave it 2 stars instead of 1 because the part about the magician was okay, but the rest is pure garbage. The part where the kids go to Mexico is the worst. Oh, you watched a guy get his arm ripped off and you're just gonna stick around and keep filming everything? No one in their right mind would react that way. This movie was a bad third movie like REC 3 was a bad third movie, but REC 3 was a little better. Don't waste your time, but if you do, turn it off after the magician part is over.
Diary of the Dead (2007)
Another horrible (insert stupid title here) of the dead movie
How anyone could possibly like this movie is beyond me. It's the same repetitive crap over and over. Take the blair witch project and beat it to death like a dead horse, and you have this movie. George Romero seems to have no problem whoring out his movie franchise over and over, and this movie is nothing more than another pile of crap. Night of the living dead meets found footage and this is what happens. There are no words to describe how terrible this movie is. Just another sad attempt to cash in on the current zombie craze. Crap. Crap. Crap. Waste of time. That's the only way to describe this movie. Don't waste your time.
The Addicted (2013)
There is nothing good about this movie
This film starts out just like every other "we're gonna go spend the night in some spooky asylum" movie, and it never delivers. I knew it was going to be garbage after the useless scene in the beginning where it's the 4 main characters drinking and smoking weed while some terrible, terrible music plays. What the hell was the point of that scene??? So they get in the place, and almost immediately, Mike gets drug off just like in the opening scene. At that point, any sane person would get out of there, but the show must go on, so they stay. All of them manage to drop their flashlights at the same time, so there goes any light other than what the generator provides. Then, Mike gets taken again and you see the bad guy in a clown mask who has a magical nail gun that doesn't need to be hooked up to an air compressor shoot Mike up with some drug and then drags him out somewhere so friends can find him. The whole time I'm wondering how in the hell are they just sitting there so calm when there's obviously someone or something trying to kill them. They're literally just sitting on a couch talking about how they shouldn't have come there. Didn't they get in with a crowbar? Why can't they use it to get out? So Mike gets taken for a third time, and once again, they're just sitting there on the couch like nothing happened. I'm just gonna stop right there and say that this movie is a complete waste of time. I understand it's low budget, but that's no excuse for how horrible it is.
Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)
Why all the bad reviews?
First of all, I just wanna say that Kari Wuhrer is looking pretty good for being almost 50. Second, I don't understand why people are giving this movie bad reviews. Asylum movies suck. This movie sucked. That's the point. Asylum movies are so terrible that you have to laugh at them. B-list actors, horrible CGI and a script that might have been written by a 12 year old. What's not to like? That describes every Asylum movie ever made. If you were watching this movie expecting to see some Oscar winning performances, please slap yourself. If you haven't seen it, make sure to get baked first and prepare to laugh your a$$ off.
Afflicted (2013)
It's Chronicle (and just about every other found footage movie) only with vampires
That's about it. If you've seen Chronicle, this is the same movie only it's set in Europe and the guy turns into a vampire. The "I'm gonna film everything" is pretty much stolen straight from Chronicle and every other found footage movie. It's obvious that he's turning into a vampire when the sun burns the hell out of his skin in just a few seconds. His friend is the typical pansy sidekick who can't even handle watching a pig get killed. Watching him slice his wrist is pretty funny though. He cuts right where some major nerves run which would probably make most of his hand paralyzed. So he gets sick when a pig gets killed but has no problem slitting his own wrist. Right. I'll give this movie 4/10 because it was watchable, but it was also extremely predictable. If you liked Chronicle or thought it was at least okay, you'll think the same about this. Otherwise, don't bother. You'll have the whole movie figured out about 20 minutes into it. The whole found footage thing needs to go away.