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Reviews
Cheerleader Massacre (2003)
Save yourself the suckage
This movie was just plain bad. I can forgive low-budget films for being low budget but it wasn't funny, it wasn't smart, it had no redeeming qualities at all unless you really like looking at fake boobs. I don't know what this genre is classified as, possibly erotic horror, but if so-- well, it's neither sexy nor scary. Tying it into the Slumber Party Massacre movies was useless; I'd never seen the previous movies myself, and except for one scene that attempted to tie it together, I had no way of knowing who the escaped psycho killer in 'Cheerleader' was or why they were bothering with including him, especially because (and I don't think I'm revealing anything here) it was really obvious that the cheerleader killer in this film wasn't him. As for the actual murderer? All I can say is, lame. Really lame. When you find out why the killer is offing the cheerleading squad (and the squad's coach, and two stoners who happened to be on the bus trip they're taking, and the bus driver just for the heck of it, apparently) you will sit there and go-- WTF? Worst excuse for a murdering spree ever. The "actors" (two guesses why I added the quotes) generally looked like low-budget porn rejects, which they most likely were. Those poor people, trying to break into "legitimate" film. One of my friends had this to say about the actor who played Buzzy, the bus driver: "He looks like the guy who, you know, gets really into it, and his face gets all red and stuff." We had a good larf at that. Half of the other actors had all the skill and subtlety of the actors in the sixth grade production of "Annie" I just saw. The other half pretty much seemed bored to death (especially in the deleted scene, this one redhead...), and by ten minutes into this movie I was, too.
A note: the DVD contains one deleted scene, which would've put the movie from R-rated to NC-17 if it had been left in. It was entirely gratuitous, and as adult entertainment goes of no quality whatsoever. The only reason to bother with it is to laugh, a lot, at the badness.
Ozone (1993)
Watch it with friends, or at least lots of alcohol
This came at the end of a long weekend spent watching really bad films. Don't think for a second that adds to its credit, though. I can't list everything I hated about this movie because a) it would take too long and b) I'm sure it killed a few of my brain cells, and my mind is blocking some of my memories out of self-defense. This movie contains: terrible acting, a horrible screenplay, lousy camera-work, way too much red lighting, occasionally no light at all, really bad makeup, plot hole upon plot hole upon plot hole, the least effective villain ever, a mind-numbingly bad soundtrack, and THE strangest sex scene I have ever encountered in my life. The director admitted in the commentary that he gets teased a lot for the "parking lot of death" scene, and I would say "teasing" is a generous word. I would like to throw feces at the man responsible for that scene. Also, when we got this movie it was listed as "Street Zombies", not "Ozone". It's a fair indicator of a bad film when there's more than one title involved-- alas, we had no warning. Here's what I can say to this film's credit: watch it with a bunch of friends and you just may get some good laughs out of the schlocky awfulness. In a scene in a bar involving zombified patrons, the director mentions that he'd been buying all the extras beer and they were all rip-roaringly drunk by the time filming was through. Watching this movie, I really, really, really wish I had been, too.