mhaun-1 Reviews

The Fog (2005)

Today's forecast calls for a 100 percent chance of lame

[1/10 · 27 January 2006]

Sigh. Where to begin. Let's start with this statement - The remake of "The Fog" makes John Carpenter's original look like "Citizen Kane." It's bad. Really bad. Not much more I can say.

I'll refrain from rehashing the plot, but here are some general thoughts and questions. Spoilers ahead, kids.

1. Why didn't Superboy and what's-her-name from "Lost" find it odd when the windows of their truck all blew out? Does that happen all the time on this island? And how did that get fixed by the movie's end? 2. The two girls dancing on the boat - HILARIOUS.

3. How come everyone on the island over the age of 25 is either a raving idiot, a crazy drunk or an insolent prick? 4. Could they have made the sidekick character any more of a racist cariacture? 5. I bet Selma Blair's radio station doesn't make much money. Especially since she keeps running out of the lighthouse.

6. Scotch tape is great for wrapping presents, and keeping ghosts at bay.

7. Note to would-be directors: When in doubt, throw in a few car crashes. Nothing says "Ghost Story" like a car crash.

8. If you have a friend accused of killing three people, and you find a camcorder that might clear him, why not go ahead and turn that crucial bit of evidence on over to the police? 9. Sometimes things are scarier when they're left unseen.

10. About that "twist" ending. Aside from her whacky flashback dreams, there was no evidence to support that ending. It was a cop out, and a crappy one at that, considering the fact that she had a mom that lived on the island. Ugh. Whatever. I want my money back.

Dressed to Kill (1980)

Pity "Policewoman"

[8/10 · 22 February 2005]

I have renamed "Dressed to Kill" as "Angie Dickinson's Very Bad Day." She's got a husband who's a dud in the sack. Her shrink rebuffs her advances. She loses one of her fancy Isotoner gloves in the museum. Gets dissed by a guy who she's cruising in the museum. Loses another of her Isotoner gloves. Runs into the guy on her way out of the museum, who gives her a big "O" in a cab (Her day is looking up!). Sleeps with the guy all afternoon (Multiple "O"s!!...this is going to be a good day after all!!)Writes him a nice "Thank You" note, only to discover that he gave her "VD" along with all those "O"s (aw crap)...runs out, only to forget her wedding ring (aw crap, part deux)...turns around only to get slashed to death by a very ugly woman (Bummer)...to make matters worse, the last person she sees while alive is Nancy Allen (Hey, I'm "Policewoman!" What's this hack doing in my movie!!). And even after death, poor Angie continues to have a bad day as her murder is being investigated by Sipowitz from "NYPD Blue" in a very bad leisure suit and gold chain.

All in all, "Angie Dickinson's Very Bad Day" is a decent thriller. Stylishly done in parts (the museum and subway scenes are excellent). Feels a little dated, though. It's fairly easy to figure out where this one is headed, but it's an enjoyable ride nonetheless.

Detour (2003 Video)

Why am I so moody? Perhaps it's because of my ghetto booty.

[1/10 · 22 February 2005]

"Detour" is a D-movie desperately trying to be a B-movie.

Predictable thrills and chills follow a group of buxom and/or handsome teens as they oh-so-smartly head off into the desert in search of peyote. What could possible go wrong with that, right? Of course, their RV breaks down in the boonies and all sorts of hilarity - and by hilarity, I mean horror movie slashing - ensues.

The dialog is weak...the acting is weaker...and the special effects are weakest, or weakester...whatever.

Anyway, there are a few good death scenes. And I think the annoying Vanilla Ice-like guy did a decent job, since I think his character was supposed to be annoying. He was supposed to be annoying, right? But here's a suggestion to would-be producers of low-budget horror flicks: I know you're trying to create distinct characters, with attitude or personalities that stand out for the viewer. But in "Detour," I really wondered "Why the hell would any of these people be friends in the first place?" Caricatures are not characters. Make the characters seem like real people, who would really be friends, and the movie might actually generate a few more chills because the viewer might start to care what happens to these people.

Best unintentional moment of comedy? Watch as one of the lead female characters goes from "Buffy" tough to screaming-like-a-fool marathon runner in the course of about 30 seconds. Hilarious.

And here's a big spoiler! I thought the RV broke down. How come they were able to drive it away at the end of the flick?

Haunted House (2004 Video)

I want my money back!

[20 February 2005]

Listen up, Conrad John. Since you were the writer, director and producer of "Haunted House," I'm holding you personally responsible for this crap-tastic film. I expect you to immediately mail me the $4 I spent renting this poorly made piece of schlock.

It's not my fault. I got suckered in by the professional looking DVD cover. I like a good cheesy horror flick from time to time. I thought "Haunted House" would have a few cheap scares.

Oh, there were some scary things in this movie, alright. Let's start with the acting...if you can call it that. I suppose you could say the cast was hampered by the lack of a intelligent script - or any script for that matter. Of course, bad lighting, bad sound and horrendous direction don't help matters.

Jesus, there wasn't even a plot. How hard is it to come up with some scares??? If you can't come up with anything original, at least take the time to rip something off.

Screw you, Conrad John!

Through the Eyes of a Killer (1992 TV Movie)

Best Lifetime Movie. Ever.

[9 November 2004]

This film is what keeps me coming back to the Lifetime Movie Network screaming "I want more!!!"

Plot? Who needs it?

Character development? What's that?

Richard Dean Anderson? Yes, please! Give me more of that mullet.

Anyway, our good friend RDA is some kind of handyman hired to do some work fixing up this chick's apartment (I can't recall the actress' name).

What happens next? Let's just say that RDA takes his work very seriously. And by serious I mean super evil!!

He totally builds walls within the walls of this woman's apartment. He spies on her all the time, and kills a bunch of her friends.

Why doesn't she hear him rummaging around the inside of her walls like a drunken squirrel? Who cares! This is good stuff.

Not only does he live inside the walls, but he also builds elaborate metal doors that he uses to trap her inside her own apartment. You read right...trap her inside her own apartment!

That's crazy! That's scary! That's so Lifetime!

Does she escape? I won't say...just watch...if you DARE!!!!

Seduction in a Small Town (1997 TV Movie)

This movie certainly "seduced" me!

[9 November 2004]

Wow, that Laura Ingalls sure has grown up. She's left her little house on the prairie for a slightly bigger house on a prairie. This time she's a loving wife and loving mother to two wonderful kids. It seems she's got it all, until a drifter (the amazing Joely Fisher) rolls into town.

How do we know Joely Fisher is a no-good drifter? Why, she's smoking, of course. All drifters smoke.

Anyway, the drifter has her eye on Laura Ingalls' perfect life. She wants her husband, she wants their house, she wants their money. But hubby's got a thing for Miss Ingalls. He ain't going to stray. Piece of advice? Don't rebuff the advances of a drifter.

Joely gets upset, starts talking smack about Laura Ingalls and her husband. Says she's heard they've been smacking around their kids. Next thing you know, the Child Welfare people are knocking on the door and taking those kids away.

What follows next is about an hour of "Don't take away my babies!" screeching from Laura Ingalls. Does she get her kids back? Do you really care?

Stick around for the surreal ending, though.

Touched by Evil (1997 TV Movie)

This movie is "my obsession"!!

[8 November 2004]

I've got just one word for this movie --- Oscar!!! Paula Abdul shines in her starring role in "Touched by Evil," a tragic tale of love, betrayal, rape and some more betrayal.

Paula plays the role of a sassy, brassy career girl with a penchant for shoulder-padded power suits. She's got it all, until she's brutally assaulted and raped by a masked man.

She survives, but now Paula has a new accessory for those power suits -- Fear.

Then she meets Jerry, played by some actor whose name I can't remember. He's a successful car detailer with a checkered past.

But for Paula, he seems like he's got everything to offer -- including a felony conviction! and three "rings"! -- and he could be the "one." But is he really what he seems? Hmm. I wonder.

Anyway, Paula -- who's as a good as solving mysteries as she is picking her men -- spends the next hour or so trying to figure out Jerry's secret. Plus, she's getting stalked by a guy who loves bad 80s tunes. Yikes! Nancy Drew, she ain't. But our gal Paula sure can chew the scenery. And I thought she was just a singer.

Straight up, now tell me, you're going to love this movie.