TheBeardedWonder Reviews

Heaven & Hell (2018)

Actuslly made in the 90s - not a re-creation

[3/10 · 27 April 2024]

Just wanted to point out to those giving this a high score for its faithful 'recreation' of 90s movies - this is an actual 90s movie that got shelved and released almost 30 years later.

I almost couldn't tell because the whole thing did indeed seem like a current movie made to look 90s - even the angles hide things from the background and such. But the lead actress lady was in tv and movies in the 80s and hasn't acted in anything since 1990. There's no way this was made 28 years later and she's still that young. Plus Burt ward was in it would look way older if it was made in 2018

I think the fact they remastered it AND added fake film scratches that go overboard made it seem like a hobo with a shotgun type movie and more current. But this was an actual 90s movie that got found and finished and released in 2018.

In that regard - a lot of the points it would get for it's accurate 90s look is lost since it was just made back then. It's kind of a fun 'so bad it's good' type action flick but doesn't quite reach the heights of classic movies in that genre like Miami connection or American rickshaw.

For free on tubi this was worth a one time watch for fans of extreme bad B movies. For anyone else it's a waste of time and should prob be skipped...

Revenge (II) (2017)

A neutered remake of I spit on your grave

[5/10 · 13 April 2024]

Not a poorly made movie by any means, in fact it's rather good looking and put together for the budget. But it's basically a watered down version of I spit on your grave - which took it further than this - and was made about 50 years ago.

So this has a very low budget and that's obvious by the lack of settings and characters. It's basically the same few people out in the desert because it's free to film in - and it was very clear that's the main reason that it's set there.

There's huge chunks of time with basically nothing happening too. They've also tamed down the opening assault and the revenge after, which is basically the entire reason to watch these kind of horror movies. All of the impact of the violence is removed which doesn't honestly help the movie or story unfortunately.

It's not a good sign when a movie made half a century ago pushed the envelope further. So while I'm interested to see what this group could put together with a more proper budget - this just didn't do much for me since it's a watered down and cheap version of an already superior movie from several decades ago.

Honestly promising young woman was another superior version of a similar story too. We got to know a lot more about the woman who was wronged and who she was before, and how the shocking act of violence changed her.

This went for the more visceral route then removed the gore and shock which worked against its own best interest...

The Third Saturday in October (2022)

Visuals 10/10 - everything else 2/10

[4/10 · 10 April 2024]

This is a weird one to rate, because it's not really even a horror movie. As another reviewer noted - it seems like the script forgot it's a scary movie for LARGE chunks of time. The acting seems to be bad on purpose and certain lines are delivered very accurately to the style of movie it's recreating. But the writing is just bad and downright boring for large chunks of time. It's most just people talking in various locations.

The visuals however do honestly make the movie worth watching if you can find it and like to see a time period media be accurately recreated. I can't say enough good things about the sets and decorations and costumes. They nailed it! Especially for a low budget indie movie - they def put a ton of work into that aspect.

However just about everything else is lacking. The deaths aren't that gory, the comedy isn't funny, the characters aren't interesting, etc. So overall it's not great but if it's free on a streaming app and you wanna see the 70s intruder and camo slasher be retold pretty well - including all their shortcomings - this may be the meh flick for you.

Godspell: 50th Anniversary Concert (2020 TV Special)

Just awful Covid produxtion

[1/10 · 20 March 2024]

This is seriously the worst thing ever. The songs aren't well put together, the singing is mediocre, the editing isn't competent, and the whole thing is basically a church play from a random one in the middle of nowhere they decided to film one person at a time and then edit together.

There's also nothing between the songs! No scenes or acting or story - it's literally just the songs from the play put back to back with 10 diff people recording their parts separately then put up on screen in different squares or bubbles.

Other than the hot old lady in the bathtub singing seductively to her rubber ducky. That was the highlight somehow. Yes. It is indeed that awful and amateur. We did have a pretty good laugh at it though and luckily it's only like an hour, so if you're out of bad media to chuckle at - this may do the trick.

Presidents Day (2016)

They're not zombies btw

[10/10 · 14 March 2024]

Funny that the reviews of people who didn't like it all say these were zombie presidents.

In fact there's an entire scene where they discuss how they're NOT zombies because they don't want to eat anyone's brains and can think/talk. Makes me wonder if they even watched the movie at all - seems like they were in such a rush to post a review they didn't even pay attention. You know it's bad when even this movie was too much for you to keep up with.

The movie itself is actually very very watchable if you like low budget horror/comedies. Some of the dialogue is legit funnier than mainstream comedies that come out, and the cast was all clearly having fun and believed in the project.

The gals are super cute, and the main dude Brett with the long hair doing a typical valley girl accent for the entire movie cracked us up. No it's not award worthy but like I said, it's extremely funny and watchable if you're into this kind of flick.

Does it actually deserve a 10? Prob not - but we gotta balance out the people who didn't even really watch it then gave it a 2/10 review here...

Ricky Stanicky (2024)

Not good

[4/10 · 7 March 2024]

This movie is not funny, just straight up. The jokes are not funny and the only person who seems to be trying in the entire cast/crew is John cena. He's up for anything and truly the best part by far. I didn't think I'd ever say it but he deserves better cause he's honestly trying.

The rest is a mishmash of other funnier plots and jokes and characters. Lots of them go nowhere and have nothing to do with anything. It was an excuse to do a dumb unfunny gag of some kind then it's over and has no bearing on the previous or next scene. Stuff just kinda happens and then the scene ends.

You can skip this one, even for free it's not worth the time or slogging through...

Puffs: Filmed Live Off Broadway (2018)

Meh - just a series of references

[5/10 · 7 March 2024]

We thought this might be a lot of fun to check out while we subscribed to broadwayHD - especially since one of us LOVES Harry Potter and the other doesn't really know much about it.

Unfortunately this didn't work for either demographic. We both felt like it was pretty lazy and quickly put together, and basically just a series of references to HP. They can't name specific things that are copyrighted so the majority of the jokes are them changing it enough to not get sued. But then nothing after that - that's the whole bit.

Not in the funny meta way like you'd expect either. Half the time there is no joke, just literally 'hey remember this thing that happened that we can't get specific about???' or 'how about this character existing - remember that!!!' And that's about it.

The jokes aren't that funny unfortunately and the leads aren't great for something like this. Nobody is being lazy about their performance really but nor is anyone embodying the role and it's clearly made just for them. We never got that impression.

So for free in the background while you do the dishes - it may be fine if you're a hardcore HP fan. Otherwise you'll just be kinda bored and know you're supposed to be chuckling but simply won't be...

The Greatest Love Story Never Told (2024)

Vanity project that's so bad it's good

[3/10 · 2 March 2024]

This was honestly hilarious. Pairing it with the other 2 flaccid tines of the big comeback - her new album and the visual video that accompanies it - make for a great sk had its good JLO night with your friends. Have some drinks and smokes with your friends and you won't stop cracking up at this.

From her obviously fake PR style narration to the camera, to her attempts to seem real and genuine that are again fake and scripted, to her just wishing Ben could see how beautiful and talented she is, to her attempting to be humble - all of it just falls so so so flat.

Bonus points if you can keep track of how many custom rhinestone and bejeweled water bottles she has throughout the film. We lost count and looked it up just to confirm that yes of course she sells them in her site. Yet again just another curated PR move within this already artificial attempt at drumming up business for her music and movies.

It will make you laugh and cry, but not for the reason they set out to...

Hesher (2010)

Meh - and this is from a metal head!

[6/10 · 28 February 2024]

Not bad but doesn't really add up to much. The lesson of 'sometimes you need to give in to your base instructs and be animalistic' is presented about 15 mins in - and the next 80 or so just kind of meander around doing the same thing until the muddled ending.

We get it. He represents the id part of the brain - the one that wants to do what it wants to do. It desires violence, inhibitions, mating, fire and alcohol, etc. It can't be reasoned with or talked to. But most of it adds up to just about nothing even with that extra dash on top.

What does him being into heavy metal have to do with anything? Why is he called an 80s term for a middle school metal burnout in 2011 when he wouldn't have been a kid or teen when the term was used? What does he really teach the family?

The kid and dad aren't really any better off or learn to use their anger for good. That's not really what he taught them nor does it go anywhere. It's also not really very funny for a comedy, nor dramatic enough to be a character study.

Natalie Portman is wasted and her role could have been cut entirely and it would be almost the same movie. Everyone gives pretty good performances though, but it's all for a middling and mediocre script unfortunately.

I'm a metal head, esp from the 80s, who loves indie and JGL - and even I couldn't get into this...

Woke (I) (2023)

No 'so bad it's good' here anywhere

[2/10 · 27 February 2024]

This is just an awful flick. It seems like everyone is trying so I don't fault anyone specifically - but sometimes that's just not enough.

The name and poster implies a parody of NOPE or at least a silly right wing version of it where it plays out comedicly or something as they run from the woke aliens or virus or whatever.

That honestly could have been funny even if I didn't agree with its views. Instead it's just a low budget waste of time with some of the directors friends hanging out and filming a movie when they got to it over the course of a weekend.

Nothing happens. It's just random people delivering poorly written lines in a terrible manner. I'd skip this one because it's not even entertaining in a bad way, it's the kinda flick you and your friends would make in middle school but then dragged out to 90mins instead of 10...

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023)

Worst mainstream movie in a loooong time

[3/10 · 10 January 2024]

Holy hell this was absolutely dreadful. Literally from the start it makes no sense, characters disappear and then reappear, powers come and go as the plot needs, it contradicts itself every 5 mins along with the first movie, the cgi is absolutely garbage tier, and it ends with the EXACT thing as iron man did, etc.

Spoilers about the contradictions off the top of the my head:

This is set after AM1 and justice league - yet somehow him and his people are still a secret. Sometimes water makes them stronger - other times they're dead tired when they emerge from the ocean into land. The bad guy is coming after your entire race and family - but you don't even put a single guard outside your house with the baby in it. He says he's been waiting forever for someone like him to share his gift with - but he's from an entire society that does what he does. They make fake mechanical sharks that mimic the way real sharks swim - when they can just ride real sharks in the first place. They can jump super far and high in land, until it's needed then they barely can move. They take down the bad guys henchman in their big metal weapon - then just leave and let her live. The big bad guy has a nerd working for him who double crosses him - but he also lets him live for some reason.

Oh also don't forget when you break your brother who tried to kill you out of jail - that you stop for a haircut and beard trim off screen as you're trying to stop the entire destruction of the planet...

A Christmas Karen (2022)

A fever dream of a movie

[5/10 · 23 December 2023]

Wow where to even start with this one. I woke up the next morning and felt like I'd been through my own Xmas Carol rendition - did this movie really happen last night??? Yeah I was inebriated but still I'm not sure if this movie is real or not.

Some of it is straight up asylum style david decoteau levels of bad acting and sets. Some of it is actually funny jokes that work. Some of it is almost meta and making fun of itself.

It's a retelling of a Christmas Carol with the 3 ghosts and everything. One is a zombie looking homeless lady with a sign in the street, one is a fabulous gay man with amazing fashion sense, one is an Australian 50s housewife who may or may not be pregnant, and the last is a skater/EDM looking 20 year old kid.

Imagine if Ebeneezer Scrooge spent the entire opening act complaining about various drinks and sending them back - then apply that same drubk logic to the rest of the story - and you get the idea of this movie. Oh and don't forget the CHILDHOOD CANCER SUBPLOT.

You've honestly just gotta watch it cause the end is wild and makes no sense.

Nothing Like the Holidays (2008)

Great cast and awful material

[4/10 · 21 December 2023]

I dunno what this movie even was. It wasn't funny enough to be a comedy or well written enough to be an engaging drama. It's all over the map with no transitions between scenes. It just whiplashes from silly family humor to extremely intense interpersonal problems to a funny escapade then back again.

The plot is lame and boring, writing isn't snappy or memorable and could have been written by any beginning screenwriter, the characters are close to working and being complex but instead they fall slightly to the side of cliche cutouts of each character trait, etc.

The cast almost saves it because it's pretty great. They're obviously trying to do what they can with it but it never goes anywhere and is just personal family drama none of us really cared about. It didn't make me feel the Xmas joy or thankful for my own family - it just made us bored and feel like we should be laughing but nothing funny was happening.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

Just about unwatchable

[3/10 · 16 December 2023]

Wow where to even start with this mess of a movie. Depp's acting is outright awful and annoying, I don't know why he or anyone thought to play the character like this but it simply didn't work. The voice and mannerisms are simply grating right from the start and don't get better.

The background info about Wonka's childhood just slow things down and ruin the entire mystique and interesting aspects of the character. Now that it's explained, it's boring and rote and cliche. It's exactly what you expect and therefore isn't interesting.

The oompa loompas are neutered and boring since they're all play by deep Roy. Dude is fun to watch and he's not the problem - the characters are just all literally copy and pasted until the screen is full of them. And their songs are simply terrible and not something I'd ever want to hear a 2nd time much less 10 like people so with the original. Blah.

The look simply didn't work for me either. WW is supposed to be bright and flashy and whimsical - this is the usual Burton monochrome nightmare that's now also covered in ugly and unfinished looking cgi. It's all muted browns and tans and earth colors - who thought that was a good idea???

I still remember seeing this at midnight the day it came out at a sneak preview with friends. We were so excited and every single person left wondering what we just saw and wishing it ceased to exist. Not a single person in the group liked it or spoke highly of it or defended it. We all went out to eat at a late night diner and absolutely tore it apart - which was a much more fun and lively way to spend time than the actual movie itself.

Nothing is left of the original. Not the fun. Not the whimsy. Not the interesting aspects left up to the viewer. Etc. I don't know how it got such good reviews since just about nobody you ask these days says they love it or even like it that much...

Burglar (1987)

Doesn't work

[3/10 · 16 December 2023]

Almost nothing about this film works unfortunately. It's kind of going for a fletch style comedy whodunnit kinda thing but it fails in just about every way.

The jokes aren't funny or consistent - sometimes it's Whoopi style comedy and others it's bumbling cop stubs his toe and falls down the stairs type stuff. The acting is weak and phoned in. The script is lazy and boring. Bobcat is a waste and given literally nothing to do.

Nothing works. I don't know why they made this movie other than the capitalize on Whoopi's short lived fame and assuming anything with her in it would strike gold at the box office.

Happiest Season (2020)

Cast and plot deserved better

[6/10 · 1 December 2023]

Man this should have been a new holiday classic in some families considering the plot and cast. Everyone is trying and doing what they can but the material just was not there.

It should have been a funny play on partners and expectations during the holidays. Instead it's the same lame goofball hijinks you'd expect from a kids movie then has super serious moments peppered into it.

One moment they're having a wacky ice skate race, the next they're confronting serious family traumas about having a favorite child. One minute it's a silly 'oh the two gay leads almost got caught together and the family doesn't know!' scenario then it's really about affluent social circles vs poor ones. Ugh.

Again this all sounds like it could work if done right yeah? But no, it's not here. The jokes just aren't funny and the movie never finds its footing in terms of tone. So the acting was good and it had a couple light chuckles but for the most part it just didn't work...

Good Burger 2 (2023)

Made with heart for the fans

[7/10 · 26 November 2023]

Look this isn't a perfect flick. If you don't have a fondness for the original it's probably going to be downright silly and not very good.

But it has a ton of heart and nails the overall vibe of its first movie much much better than most sequels that come out 20 years later do. It's clearly made as a labor of love for the fans and for the performers to enjoy themselves and catch up with friends.

It's obvious nobody got paid massive amounts of money for this - in fact the budget may be even lower than the original. But who cares! The jokes are still the same, the actors are still bringing it and enjoying themselves, and the whole thing is just like the first - a fun way to spend 90mins laughing at simple jokes and watch kenan/kel absolutely kill it.

They're great in the leads and it's like nothing has changed between them despite everyone being quite a bit older. Just go in knowing its very simple and cheap, but also tries its hardest to keep up the spirit of the original.

A California Christmas (2020)

Not enough CA or Christmas

[2/10 · 20 November 2023]

I dunno what this was. It could have been filmed anywhere and takes place on a farm in the middle of nowhere surrounded by dead grass. No california to be found in the way you wanna see it in a movie. Because otherwise it may as well be set somewhere else.

Also there was almost no Xmas in this movie. Some decorations outside 1-2 houses and that's about it. Again you expect more Xmas from something titled CA Xmas. It also wasn't funny so it's not a comedy. There don't seem to be any jokes even attempted - not as in I didn't find them funny but as in they weren't there.

I guess it a romantic drama? But none of the romance or drama is that good either so it's just a waste of everyone's time and money. The man servant and his farm hand buddy were pretty watchable though not gonna lie.

Angry Neighbors (2022)

What even was this?

[3/10 · 18 November 2023]

I'm not sure this even counts as a movie. It seems more like someone fed boomer prompts into an AI chat bot and it spit out this whole movie. Like not even the script but the entire movie itself was just created and made inside the machine then pushed out slowly.

Nothing is funny or interesting. There's a talking dog for some reason that adds nothing, and is voiced by Cheech. The human can hear the dogs thoughts but for some reason has to reply to the dog audibly with dialogue. This is never addressed or explained.

The jokes are also not funny. Half the time there don't even seem to be any happening anyway - but the ones that are there are the most typical and dated old people comedy you can imagine. "I don't like loud things" is about 1/4 of the punch lines so if you chuckled at that - this may be the movie for you...

Best. Christmas. Ever! (2023)

Not good and a bad ending

[3/10 · 16 November 2023]

Another typical Netflix original Xmas movie with has been actors and awful dialogue. I don't know who this movie is for either - it's not particularly funny or thoughtful so adults will be bored by it, and the themes are a little too much for kids to comprehend and the jokes aren't for them either so I dunno.

The actors are honestly trying and they're not the problem at all. It's just lazily and cheaply done and is another in a long list of bad Xmas movies nobody will ever watch but NF shareholders will be told that 'there's now 2000 holiday movies on the service so we will def attract more subscribers with them!'

And the ending is so rushed and out of nowhere that it reminded me of the ending to CATS. Which is never a good sign. And it starts with a character talking right to the camera - which is then never done again.

Skip this one, it doesn't even have the light hearted whimsy that other Xmas flicks have. It's serious and boring and I wish the leads had better material to work with...

Book Club: The Next Chapter (2023)

Wow this was awful

[3/10 · 5 November 2023]

Even for a movie of this type - this was so so so bad. The writing is insulting to the audience, and it was very clearly just a vacation for the stars to go on and film a movie when they got to it. It almost seemed like it didn't even have a script it was so bad.

The characters are all rich old white ladies who are entitled to everything, and every line is clearly from a rejected sex/city script that was tossed away because it wasn't funny and didn't have any bite to it. You can even see which of the 4 ladies is supposed to be which in the original draft. Ugh.

Every joke is either about wine or men, and they're not even funny. It's like watching a real life old newspaper comic strip come to life. One panel set up, then the 2nd panel joke and boom - onto the next scene. I'd be insulted to be a older lady and be shown this is what people think I'd enjoy.

Nobody acts like a real person or says or does anything funny. It's clearly aimed at old ladies - and that's all good - not every movie needs to be for every audience. But this isn't even a good entry in that genre and I'm glad this flopped and people saw through the corporate BS that this movie embodies.

It really does work well to make fun of though. Like get some actual cinema people together and rip it apart because it's that bad. Would work as a double feature with the other awful flick that's almost the same movie - Greek wedding 3.

All Jacked Up and Full of Worms (2022)

Not good

[3/10 · 26 September 2023]

Budget was clearly a big factor in why this just didn't work, but it's not the only one. I like that it tried something different but that doesn't automatically make the movie good - just unique.

But characters seem to come from some alternate reality where nobody says things humans would say and do things humans wouldn't do. Entire stretches of time consist of nothing happening too, like pretty frequently.

So it's shot well and shows promise and the title is a great one - but the writing just needs to be better. If the director ever refined his writing and got a real budget, he could do something pretty watchable. But this isn't it.

The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023)

Gollum vs incompetent sailers for 2 hours

[5/10 · 4 September 2023]

Man I wished this was better. Heard good things about it and finally got around to seeing it only to end up saying it wasn't worth the time or money. Which is a shame cause I like the director and his other work - but this was just really too poorly written even for him to save it.

They never pull into a port, they say straight to the audience that they searched the whole ship only to then say later we REALLY actually did it the 2nd time, the effects are AWFUL, the setting monotonous and boring, and Dracula straight looks like an asylum productions version of gollum. Plus you already know how it ends because you've either read the book and know it's just own chapter in it, or the movie literally starts with the ending. Either way - it makes you wonder what the point is.

With a proper budget and writer it could have been a lot better - the actors and director are trying to do what they can with it but the source material just isn't there. I'd probably pass on this unless you really like colorless wooden set after colorless wooden set and lots of scene of people talking then establishing shots of a boat, or an ocean, or a boat on the ocean...

Tetris (2023)

What happened in the second half???

[6/10 · 3 September 2023]

Who wrote the first half and who wrote the second half is all I could think. First half makes you think this could be a pretty great little movie. Nice acting, professional production, ok pacing once it gets to the meat of the story, etc.

Then the 2nd part is like a different script got retrofitted into the other half. It turns into like a spy thriller when it already had a corporate villain, 2 of them actually. Instead it turns into car chases, the KGB - who apparently just threaten and hassle people but don't actually do anything worse like even fire people who cross them, corporate espionage, blackmail, international beaurocracy, and other heavy things that don't fit the light and breezy tone of the first chunk.

It also moves way too fast sometimes. It almost comes off like a TV show that was 6 hours getting edited down to 2. When it started I was like hey maybe this is an 8 or 9 out of 10, then it went on and said ok maybe a solid 7 which is still a good flick, and by the end I lost interest because the tonal whiplash was so huge it didn't even feel like the same characters or movie.

So if you have nothing else to do and a free apple subscription - maybe check it out - especially if you're a taron egerton fan because he's a standout. But don't expect anything great and be prepared for the second half to seem like an entirely diff movie!

Project Power (2020)

What a waste

[5/10 · 12 August 2023]

You got some solid directors who have done interesting stuff, and a star studded cast - some of which have been nominated or won awards.

Yet all we get here is a lot of...nothing. This is a stereotypical Netflix original with a ton of filler, bad cgi, a low budget, rushed filming/production, obvious and up front characters and motivations with nothing beyond 'what you see is what you get' and non-ironic lines like the chief of police in a New Orleans Police ball cap saying 'you can't just come in here and take over my investigation!' to the FBI.

Stuff in this flick was played out and boring 20 years ago. I dunno under which desk from the 90s that they found this screenplay and dusted it off - but it should have stayed there...