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Reviews
Terrifier (2016)
Torture porn, plain and simple
While this movie started out on a pretty good note, it spiraled downward after about ten minutes. The movie would've been better if it ended at the pizza shop.
Acting was fairly decent for the genre (especially regarding the clown) and the directing was pretty good, but the plot starts and finishes with 'crazy clown tortures and kills a bunch of people.' The story doesn't build and we never learn of the clown's motivation or anything.
You could easily have cut thirty minutes from the middle of this film and nobody would know the difference.
Dracula 3000 (2004)
Weapons grade awful
After watching this movie, I can only say that cinema is truly truly dead. In the year 3000, a space salvage crew comes upon an abandoned space ship and accidentally revive Dracula. The shorter the explanation, the better.
Letting mentally challenged children do a cold read of the script would've given a better performance that the actors in this movie. I recognize Coolio, Erika Eleniak and Tommy Lister in the cast; I don't know anyone else and can only assume that they are one-shot actors. I would imagine the entire cast being tossed out of the screen actors' guild for their performances.
The first ten minutes of this film was something out of the Exposition Handbook. It consisted of ten minutes of the captain's log, telling us who the crewmembers. I guess the writer never learned... well... anything about storytelling.
About the only thing I found remotely amusing about this film was Erika Eleniak's man-hands. They're huge! Like flesh-colored oven mitts.
The Starving Games (2013)
A pitiful pitiful movie
Will someone please tell Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg that they should stop making movie? They're not good at it! I picked this one off the list at Netflix and thought, why not? Terrible jokes, poor acting and a sh!tty script are reasons why not. This is not a parody as parodies contain some wit; this did not. It was the same lame jokes that you'd see in F and S's other alleged parodies. It makes me wonder if fart jokes are pre-printed in the beat sheets when they start story development.
The acting was a step above a cold read (if that much). The jokes are heavily forced on you. And most are rehashed from every other F and S movie.
Humans vs Zombies (2011)
Not good at all
This movie happened to be on television, so I watched it Despite this, I still want to get my money back.
In a nutshell, a zombie virus breaks out in a lab. And we spend what seems the next eternity watching a misfit band of college students get chased around by the night of the living cliché. During their struggle to survive, they learn to overcome their differences. blah blah blah blah...
The story was painfully slow. The film is 93 minutes long; cutting 30 minutes out would greatly improve things. Just cut 30 minutes of the cast bitching and moaning and fighting with each other.
The characters were taken from a cliché handbook. Painfully awful to watch... Especially that Jack Black wannabe. And Frank, the armed-to-the-teeth security guard who is not bad-ass, no matter how hard they tried to make him appear to be.
It's movies like this that are ruining the horror genre.
The Haunting of Whaley House (2012)
About as scary and as interesting as boiled rice
The Asylum seems to be making a lot of movies. Given this, you'd think they're making a profit on what they produce. Why not use some of this profit to hire actors with acting skill? Seriously! The entire cast sounds like they're reading the script cold... or phonetically! And while you're at it, bring in a real writer, someone who know how to avoid exposition.
Whaley House is supposed to be the most haunted house in the country. So a bunch of kids sneak in (with the help of an employee) to see if it really is haunted. Problem is, I got so bored before anything happened that I started reading the directions on a bottle of screen cleaning spray.
I understand that The Asylum cannot make an original film and resorts to making 'mock-busters.' This doesn't mean it can't make a good mock-buster. It should try... even a little.
Destination Truth (2007)
really really awful
Having watched the first two episodes of this show (a la Netflix), I get the impression that this is more of a failed parody of a paranormal hunters' show, than an actual paranormal hunters' show.
Each episode has the DT team searching for two creatures. After two episodes, the team fails to provide any real proof that their creatures exist. In searching for a dinosaur, the only proof we have are tree branches being moved. In a haunted cemetery, we have a scraping noise on one of the microphones.
In the end, all we have are Josh Gates' lame comments. Everything else might add up to footage, for other similar shows, that would've ended up on the cutting room floor.
State Property (2002)
Shamefully bad
This movie should've been called 'Urban Stereotypes For Dummies' as it uses every cliché imaginable. The story is a Scarface-wannabe, street thugs rising up in the drug world. While Scarface may have glorified this type of life, this movie just dragged out a plot that it couldn't successfully deliver. The acting is non-existent. I've seen better cold readings than this. And the directing just plain stunk. Too many close ups. The director should consider using medium and long shots on occasion.
I'm going to change my cable provider if movies like this are the best they can offer.
Dog Run (2010)
Modern day Gothic horror
'Dog Run' is a true horror tale that doesn't rely on blood, gore, or violence but, rather, man's own dark side. In it, a young woman is forced to face her past and how she takes cares of her aging dogs.
Emma Bispham plays Carrie, an ordinary dog owner who runs into the mysterious Sawyer, played by David Sterne. Through casual conversation, Sawyer forces Carrie (and the viewer) of man's cold-hearted way of disposing pets once they become an inconvenience.
For those people who have ever put a dog down, this short will hit you like a ton of bricks and open a lot of old wounds. And, while it's definitely not violent, it will definitely leave you shaken.
Blood and Sex Nightmare (2008)
Possibly the worst movie ever
The best thing that I can say about this movie is that I saw it for free. Paying any amount would've been too much.
The story is about a young woman (Amy) who returns from her father's funeral only to learn that her scumbag boyfriend, Nick, booked a weekend at an adult sex camp. Although she's a virgin, and insists on waiting until she's married to have sex, Nick assures her that wild sex in the woods would be a could way to get over her grief.
Little do they know that this swingers' camp is the home to a very cliché killer who waits until after his victims have graphic sex before killing them. The death scenes aren't too gory as the camera focuses on the killer's face during all the violence.
The killer, for some reason I can't remember, needs to impregnate Amy because she's pure. His idea of doing this is masturbating all over her in a graphic and bloody whack-off scene.
I've seen student films that are better written, acted and directed. The people involved in this should be embarrassed.
Not Even Death (2009)
Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Girl becomes brain-eating zombie
While there is a zombie in this short, it's not a zombie film. It's a dramatic piece that contains a zombie. A man keeps his undead wife alive, hoping for a cure and hoping there's something left to be cured.
While all six minutes of this film takes place in a basement, what goes on in the outside world is told in a subtle and informative way. A lot is revealed in six minutes, both in the world and in one man's life
The acting was good between the two actors, Treva Tegtmeier and Joseph Will, Treva being under all the decayed-face make up. The make up, itself, as well as the production as a whole, was very professional-looking and not something from a film student.
Not Even Death is an original story in an otherwise tired genre.
Karla (2006)
What a stinkburger!
This movie was truly truly awful. I rented it to see if Laura Prepon could do anything outside of her role from 'That Seventies Show.' It's obvious now that she can't.
Prepon plays Karla Homolka, one half of the husband and wife team of rapist/serial killers that terrorized Canada. Abused by her husband, Paul Bernardo (played with extreme lackluster by Misha Collins), she did whatever he told her to, which included kidnapping, torturing, raping and killing (and I can't get my wife to get me a drink most of the time).
The story takes place after Karla has served eight years of a twelve year sentence, after turning her husband and herself in. Her story is actually told as a series of flashbacks with plenty of long pauses in the on-the-nose dialog Prepon's performance as the battered wife was so bad, I began to cheer each time her husband beat her. Collins' performance was not much better; which meant it was pathetic.
There's absolutely no reason to see this film. There's absolutely nothing going for it.
American Beer (2004)
A Budweiser of a movie
Watching a movie about four guys visiting microbreweries and drinking and like being the designated driver on a pubcrawl. After ten minutes, you're dying for a beer, yourself. There's simply no point to it and you get nothing out of it. The four beer travellers/drinkers do nothing to movie this movie along. If anything, they slowed it down. You can easily leave half this movie on the cutting room floor and nobody would know the difference. It seems like a student film, or a home movie that was never edited. If you want to learn something about beer, there are plenty of books on Amazon.com to read. If you want to be entertained, your spit out of luck.