So if you're reading this review you've probably seen the original Conan and you are aware of what a good movie is, which sad to say, will make it very hard to enjoy this movie. I was actually offended by how bad this movie was. I think they took an 8 year old's rough draft of a movie script and put it into production. Nothing about this movie makes any sense.
In the middle of a battle, people are trying to attack a collapsed pregnant woman who is fighting them off and killing people. Now I've never personally been in the middle of a battlefield, but I would think when there are grown men looking to put a sword in me, I wouldn't worry about a collapsed pregnant woman, but what do I know? Maybe battle makes you want to go on a pregnant woman killing spree. Again I can only speculate.
You will then get to see Ron Perlman deliver a C section to said woman in the middle of the battlefield. So Conan was born in the heat of battle by a woman who was a fierce warrior... OK we get it.
It then goes into Conan as a child and his people who love to fight and battle for no apparent reason at all. More unthought out childish clichéd story lines.
Ron Perlman then gives his lovely speech about how a warrior must be fierce and strong, so of course he then tasks the kids including young Conan to race around with an egg without breaking it. Because nothing says fierce warrior like a parenting care class given to children in school.
From there you get 8 year old Conan beating the crap out of 4 or 5 grown built men who make some sort of animal sound that no human could ever make. Usually something this ridiculous would be somewhat comical but I found no humor in how bad this movie was. You have to watch a little kid made of stick and bones that weighs less than hundred pounds toss around grown men and bash a guys head open into snow flakes. Again, nothing about this movie makes any sense.
It was at this point I stopped watching, note I only watched the first 5 or 10 minutes. I also skipped the clichéd main plot which was retarded. How does something like this even get made? How do you even glance at it and go, "hey this isn't worst movie I've ever seen." It just boggles my mind.
On the plus side I watched the original Conan again and that movie is awesome. You get to see how Conan progressed into becoming a warrior, his battles, his choice between love and revenge, the feel of life in a different time, and oh the sweet battles. There was rhyme and reason for just about everything to the original Conan. Even his foes were well developed and could really make you believe.
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