dan-e-black Reviews

Supergirl (1984)

Greatly suffers on a lot of different levels.

[2/10 · 7 January 2012]

Supergirl was an attempt at greatness that suffers from having an over-abundance of its sub-sub-plot mechanics go horribly awry. There are simply too many inconsistencies, inconceivability, and moments of general tom-foolery for this film to possibly be taken seriously. One could easily write a list longer than one's forearm in 6 pt. font, single-spaced of all the hokey and ill-thought-out moments in this film's script. For instance, the bracelet she carries somehow detects the lost orb - even though the friend that created it for her did so on a whim, apparently as a simple piece of jewelry. He couldn't possibly have foreseen that she would need an orb-tracking bracelet because she was about to lose the special artifact by it being blown out into space through the walls of their city (walls that are apparently made of CELLOPHANE). There is also the matter of Selena's containment of the orb inside a vessel that then begins to grow and change - changing according to it's original style and cryptic animal-like representation. How did the orb supposedly understand what it was contained within in order to make it grow and change and still look as it did? As petty as this point may seem, it is entirely preposterous, and therefore assumes the viewer's ignorance. Tons of other moments abound - zooming in on burning tires as if they posed some imminent threat - Selena insisting on calling upon the "shadow powers", as if she understood what it was that she was wielding, and as if the orb would heed the call for its power by that name - Selena having knowledge of, or finding reference to the "phantom zone" in Earthly texts - "It looks like a castle"; "No, more like a fortress". Hokey hokey hokey.

I will admit that, overall, the idea of the movie could have made for an interesting story/film, but this rendition just seems to have gotten really, really screwed up.

Hansel & Gretel (I) (2002)

Unfortunately lame.

[17 November 2011]

This is supposed to be first-and-foremost a kids' movie, and I understand trying to also draw the adults in, but this movie not only fails at that miserably, but somewhat compromises what a kids' movie should be. For one thing, the word "seduce" does not even belong in a movie for kids, and yet was used at least a few times with obvious adherence to it's true meaning - nor did there need to be a wood-fairy dressed up in shorts that would more normally be seen on a Hooters waitress.

The modern-day references and product plugs that can be found throughout just felt entirely out of place in a fairy-tale. And it was just downright sad to see Howie Mandel stuck on using his "Bobby" voice in one of the scenes - just let it go man... let it go.

Not only that, but half the stuff that happens in the movie did not happen in the original Grimm brothers' tale - and yet at the end you have Howie Mandel's character burst onto the scene with two other characters that had no place in the story claiming that the Grimm brothers got all their inspiration from him and his party-crashing buddies. It was pitiful to see. Sometimes it is hard to imagine that the writers come up with this garbage and the actors just play along. I don't think I could take being forced to be complicit in that much blatant idiocy, unless I was making some serious bank.

In the end, if you have a chance to see this movie, don't. And if your kids have a chance to see this movie - forbid it. I felt embarrassed for all the parties involved on-screen the entire time I was watching it.