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BillyRayJohnson
Reviews
Hard Rock Zombies (1984)
A silly and very 80s comedy horror romp!
Many aspects of this film might remind you of a Lloyd Kaufman Troma movie, only cheesier, and with a more disjointed plot (yes, both those points are possible). There will be no mistaking that this film comes from the 80s, with the poofy hair and glam rock. Hard Rock Zombies contains several montages, most of them embarrassing, and one of them confusing.
There are certainly some unique scenes in this film that you're likely to have never seen before, however, part of the reason for that is how dumb and/or absurd they are. The plot is mostly nonsensical, and sometimes difficult to follow. That being said, the absolute silly nature of this film is what made it most enjoyable. This is the first movie I've seen with a Nazi zombie midget riding and biting a cow.
Gorehounds: there is a pretty steady stream of violence throughout the film, some effects are better than others, but I would say they were pretty good for the very low budget they presumably had. While there aren't too many innovative acts of mayhem, there were a few things I hadn't seen before.
Some might wonder about the nudity factor. There are really only two scenes, and they are very brief. They feature the same woman. You see her buttocks briefly in both shots, and breasts in both, from 5 miles away in the first scene, and very briefly close-up in the second (in the shower). It seems the actress may have been somewhat uneasy about baring her breasts. Watch as she stabs a man, while taking care to cover her breasts with her free arm! That said, she is well-endowed, and, well, a hot 80s blonde!
This movie is worth checking out if you like absurd and cheesy comedy horror, and don't mind or enjoy sappy romance. You will learn about the evils of rock 'n roll, the means of resurrecting the dead (which the movie can't seem to decide on), and the true fate of Adolf Hitler.
666: The Demon Child (2004)
Unbearable Dreck
Prepare for the longest 90 minutes of your life. Then again, I suspect normal (non-masochistic) people won't last longer than 20. This is perhaps the ultimate endurance test.
Laughableness: I chuckled at two parts, the baby's first appearance (because of effects, and the actors' portrayals of terror), which is 25 minutes into the movie, and a scene near the end where the baby attacks a brawny guy who screams like mad as he pretends to struggle with the evil demon doll. This equals about 120 seconds of entertainment (admittedly, still more than 'Date Movie'), surrounded by what seems like infinite minutes of mind-numbing blather about six-fingered giants from 500,000 years ago.
Gore: None of note. The blood looks like strawberry syrup. The baby puppet/doll isn't the worst I've seen, but it's hardly animated.
Nudity: There is one shower scene. The girl looks a lot like Dewey from 'Malcolm in the Middle.' Her breasts are conveniently concealed during the whole scene. Her bare buttocks are shown, and I do imagine they looks nicer than Dewey's would. She is seen screaming during most of this scene, but there is no screaming sound. Incidentally, the most attractive girl is also the worst actress in this movie.
Sound: Sound quality, direction, and volume inexplicably varies from scene to scene. Almost 1/3 of the movie is near unintelligible. A generic soundtrack plays almost every second of every scene. The baby has one sound effect (baby cries with added reverb and echo, and a cat hissing) which plays approximately 350 times through the duration of the movie. I promise you this sound effect will test your sanity.
Next time you think SyFy originals are bad, next time you think 'The Room' is bad, think of '666: The Demon Child.' Two stars because of the efforts by the guy who wrote, directed, and produced it. And because there are one or two even more unwatchable movies out there.
Platoon of the Dead (2009)
A forgettable and not-so-funny bad movie
Platoon of the Dead is a super-low budget zombie movie, about a small group of three soldiers, led by an officer who looks like a squat Jack Sparrow, and including a jerk soldier who looks like Richard Dean Anderson combined with Christopher Lloyd. After surviving their squadron being attacked by zombies, they take refuge in an old house occupied by three women.
Overall, this movie was fairly dull and forgettable. It isn't inept enough in most categories to laugh at, but just inept enough to not be actually engaging. The monotonous line deliveries and a couple of laser battles were the funniest aspects.
The movie features digital visual effects, such as laser fire and disintegrating bodies. In camera special effects include zombies melting into caramel, and a guy impaled by a dull tree branch.
For reference, this movie is a slight step ahead of Zombie Night from a technical and artistic standpoint, however, Platoon of the Dead does not get as many unintentional laughs. One star for attempting to create a coherent story, one point for efforts in making the film, and one point for lasers.
Zombie Nation (2004)
The best bad movie I've seen in a while!
From the little bits I'd heard about Ulli Lommel and his films I was expecting this film to be unwatchable. Much to my delight, this was far from the truth! To me this was truly a laugh-a-minute, so-bad-it's-good thrill-ride! Locations included a warehouse police station with drywall dividers and studio lights used as lamps by the officers, a furniture warehouse in which a cop lives, and a mental institution where the cop lived as a boy with doorways crudely cut out of drywall.
The movie features mystifyingly inappropriate music, including dance music as a man gets his penis ripped off! Watch the most evil L.A. cop ever! Watch David Hess (Last House on the Left) in an unrecognizable, 1 minute 24 second cameo as a minister! Watch as wronged girls rise from the dead with excessive eye shadow, and a lust for revenge!
This is truly a remarkable film. My one complaint is Ulli Lommel's negligence in using establishing shots. The repeated shots of the psychic ward whipping the male patient's bare butt with a stick were incredible. God, I loved this movie. I can't wait to watch more Lommel!
Mr. Jingles (2006)
Oh my, Angie. You need to be punished for making tinkle in your panties!
Within the first second this movie starts out on a sour note, as two and a half minutes of credits roll against a plain black background, while the music of a garage band Korn plays. When the first actual shot comes up, you will immediately be taken aback by the low quality of the image. This movie appears to have been shot on a circa 1992 home camcorder.
First let me note some positive points. To be fair, by the end of the movie I was used to the image quality. Also, the director seems to have some understanding of image composition, a rarity in films of this budget. Don't expect pleasing or astounding imagery, just some competence for a movie of this caliber. The makeup on Mr. Jingles (Dr. Rudy Hatfield, Biker Zombies) was fairly decent. His secondary makeup later in the movie looks like a costume shop quality appliance, but it's still all passable. That said, the Jingles makeup is nowhere near as cool-looking as it is on the cover art. Another positive, there is some attempt at character development. Sound recording isn't impressive, but dialogue is always audible.
For those wondering about nudity there are two brief instances, but not likely to cater to all tastes. I'm no puritan, but to have girls get naked for your $500 dollar budget movie just seems tasteless to me. Anyways, watch for the appearance of garden gnomes during the lovemaking scenes. I suspect there is some deep symbolism to be found in these.
Writer/director Todd Brunswick (They Must Eat) fails to build suspense in his sequences. Terror sequences with Mr. Jingles are made humorous by the absurd things that come out of his mouth every time he opens it. These quips are the most entertaining aspect of the movie, but I don't think we're supposed to be laughing.
Gore in this movie is quite limited, mostly blood spraying onto characters from off camera. Mr. Jingles impales a few people with his small hatchets, though it's usually not exactly impressive-looking. There's a funny scene with Jingles jumping on a goth guy's back, as the guy spits blood out, and Jingles laughs maniacally. Also, watch for the part where the cop fires a gun, and the gunfire sounds like fingers snapping!
On a side note, I read somewhere that this movie is a sequel to S.I.C.K., which I have yet to see, so I can't confirm this. However, there is a confirmed sequel to Mr. Jingles, entitled Jingles the Clown (2009).
For comparison, this movie is slightly better than Fear of Clowns, because Mr. Jingles has a more engaging story (you heard it here first), slightly better camera placement (close-ups are still excessive, but nowhere near to the same degree), however the lighting was better in Fear of Clowns. All in all, Mr. Jingles has more potential unintended laughs than Fear of Clowns. Mr. Jingles scores points for attempts at character development, laughs (intentional or not), and one obligatory point for the effort to make art.
Dead Moon Rising (2007)
Dead Moon Rising: An Honest Effort That Needed Polishing
Dead Moon Rising starts out with a zombie plague already in progress. This seems to be a commonality in super low budget zombie movies lately. In the intro they did have a bitingly clever (or so they thought) soliloquy in which the main character gives possible explanations for the zombies. We are then treated to a half hour or so of sandpaper-dry dialogue showing some guys working at an insurance place or something. There is supposed to be comedy in this movie, but the only part I chuckled at was one of the guys yelling "Who you gonna call?!" after shooting a zombie. You may get a few unintentional laughs here and there.
Some might watch this movie expecting awesome gore and cool guns. The traditional effects are limited almost entirely to blood being squirted from off-screen. Almost all blood splatter coming from characters on screen is obviously computer generated. All gunfire is computer generated, and no guns eject spent shells (including the mini gun). Zombie makeup varies, from none at all, to faces painted entirely yellow, similar to Yellow Bastard.
Two other big issues with this movie were the sound (design and quality) and the photography. The sound ranks amongst the worst I've heard in a distributed movie. There is a high-pitched squeal during most of the dialogue. The only distributed movie I can think of that had worse sound was Ax 'Em. Sound effects were mediocre and unrealistic. There is generic electronic music playing practically every second of the movie. Editing was distracting at best, jarring at worst. Image compositions were never pleasing, and connected shots were often disorienting. On a positive note, the acting was far from the worst I've ever seen, and totally passable.
Some of you who have seen the poster (the coolest thing about this movie) might be wondering about the girls. Well, there are two main girls in it, but the one at his feet doesn't seem to be in the movie. Anyways, one of the girls is cute, but wears somewhat unflattering outfits. The other, Tucky Williams, is beautiful, and if they were smart they'd have made her the star. The basic concept of her character might have even worked, had they removed her degrading dialogue and actions. One example is an unnecessary, distasteful, and uncomfortably long kissing scene between the two girls. There is no nudity (which to me is good in a movie of this caliber and budget).
In closing, let me give credit to writer/director Mark E. Poole for getting off his bum and making a movie. It's cool that he had the motivation and opportunity to do so, especially since he looks like an older gentlemen. This is his first attempt, so hopefully he will try some more and improve. This was also Tucky Williams' first movie, and I certainly hope to see her some more (in starring roles!). Often when I've watched recent low budget zombie movies, I've thought they took themselves too seriously. However, watching this movie, I was reminded that comedy is also a delicate genre, difficult to pull off, and doubly so for a movie attempting both comedy and horror. Points for attempting to be clever, Tucky Williams, and... heart. The jokes may have fallen flat, but it wasn't as soulless as many big budget pictures. For comparison purposes, this movie was about as bad as Zombiegeddon.