tqkproductions Reviews

The Layover (I) (2017)

Extremely Bad

[1/10 · 22 January 2021]

I really feel like this set Women's Rights back 50 years. As if we needed a quirky romcom about 2 friends who almost irreversibly ruin their relationship by pining after the same Dude while on vacation. If you guessed that this was written by 2 dudes, you guessed correctly. This actually comes from 2 writers from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, one of my all-time favorite shows. One of the writers is also Executive Producer and plays Rickety Cricket on the show, but that's beside the point. These writers are very experienced in writing for one woman (Dee Reynolds, played by the incomparable Kaitlin Olsen) but it's not the type of woman who is very relatable or accessible to the general public. Overall, you have these 2 women be nasty to each other, almost like in It's Always Sunny, but it's packaged as a quirky romcom. Do you see the issue here? Do you see where they went wrong?

Anyway, shout out to Molly Shannon who deserves better than this

To Boldly Flee (2012 Video)

Yikes

[1/10 · 19 May 2018]

I'm giving this "movie" one star not only for it's terrible writing, but also based on how poorly the entire cast & crew was treated during the entire process of this movie. To quote Allison Pregler, "Not a single person wasn't miserable, except Doug, who had no idea how badly it had went."

In fact, the only way to watch this movie is with Allison, Phelan, and Brad's Commentary where they make fun of the movie for 3.5 hours.

It's lazy, self-indulgent, shoddy looking, and quite honestly this makes RLM's Space Cop look like Empire Strikes Back.

P.S. Doug wrote a rape scene

Krystal (2017)

Absolute Chaos

[2/10 · 14 April 2018]

This is the most baffling movie I've seen all year. The characters do not do anything reasonable or logical. They're also not likable at all. I understand that with the director being William H. Macy, they were able to get some well known names for this project, however as a director, Macy just flat out sucks. I've seen his previous attempt at directing, The Layover, and it was an unfunny mess, but enough about that.

Taylor's actions in this movie, from quasi-stalking Krystal to lying about being an alcoholic throughout the entire movie, are nothing but irredeemable and awful. Krystal has no character and is extremely malleable to whatever the plot needs her to do. Absolutely no one is putting in their A Work acting wise, especially T.I. who chews the scenery in the worst way every time he's on screen.

But you should see this movie because if you enjoy entertainingly awful movies.

Baywatch (2017)

Here's a shocker: Baywatch is Bad

[1/10 · 1 September 2017]

This movie is not a comedy. This is a bad Baywatch reboot with comedic scenes written in. You can tell they rewrote the script to adjust for the unexpected success of 21 Jump Street. Unfortunately they cast 2 Channing Tatums as the main leads. They also didn't understand what made 21 Jump Street funny or good, as they got everything wrong and bad. The characters are underdeveloped and poorly written, the Bad Guy is barely in this and is so boring. Most of the time the female characters could've been replaced with cardboard cutouts labeled "Romantic Interest". Their attempt at Meta Humor is shallow and weak. The pacing is painfully slow. Zac Efron's face looks like an old shoe. I hate this movie. Maybe next time they should hire someone who didn't write Freddy vs. Jason.

Hot Rod (2007)

A Comedic Masterpiece

[10/10 · 4 March 2017]

When I look back on my teens, I'm usually embarrassed by what I used to find funny. Usually it's stupid youtube videos or shows that did not age well. There is one thing from my youth that I still have fond memories of, and that's watching Hot Rod. This movie ages so well, and it's because it doesn't care about being relevant or trendy, it just cares about being stupid and funny, and it's both of those things. While the Lonely Island didn't write it, Akiva still directed a masterpiece, and Andy & Jorma acted so well off each other. I don't normally like Danny McBride but he delivered one of his best performances of his career within this movie. There's so many great jokes and hilarious moments in this movie that I'm sad that people ignore this classic. In summary, Hot Rod is the shizz.

Sausage Party (2016)

Enough, Seth Rogen

[1/10 · 12 August 2016]

I came into this movie hoping that it would make me laugh at least once. I mean, it's Seth Rogen, co-writer of This is The End and Superbad. I regret to inform you that I didn't laugh once during the 89 minute run time. What started out as an odd but interesting premise turned into an honest bore of a film. Each joke was more predictable than the last. The characters lacked personality and wit. I couldn't for the life of me describe Kristen Wiig's character Brenda. She was only there to be the love interest in a forced romantic subplot. And all the cultural/racial stereotypes were just weak. A Native American bottle of booze named Firewater smokes weed and sounds like he came from the 1950's Peter Pan film. The Black box of grits played by Craig Robinson sounds more like a group of white people trying to write a black person. The whole ordeal was just embarrassing. You might be dismissing me as an "Offended SJW" by now, but let me tell you, I was not offended by this movie. I was bored by it. Seth Rogen can and should do better.

Ghostbusters: Answer the Call (2016)

A Thrilling & Fun Experience

[10/10 · 15 July 2016]

First of all, let me congratulate the countless people who bashed this movie online for months. You were so loud and so persistent the cast & director pretty much had no choice but to acknowledge you. I know you could have used that energy to focus on something you like, but you powered through and pitched a fit all over the internet. Congrats.

Believe it or not, this movie wasn't Feminist Propaganda or some kind of Man-Hating Manifesto (Or should I say WOmanifesto, bazinga). It was a fun summer movie with a lot of good laughs & even some scares. I really enjoyed how the main cast interacted with each other, they really have great chemistry. The characters were fleshed out and interesting. Kate McKinnon was one of the best parts. She had a fun energy a lot of funny lines. I will say that I didn't really like Chris Hemsworth's character. His dopey dumb guy act got old a little too quickly.

Is this movie perfect? Of course not. But it's got heart and it's entertaining. And chances are if you're reading this review you already made up your mind one way or the other. At the very least, I hope that you are capable of understanding how another person could like a movie that you hate without accusing Sony of bribing.

Glee (2009–2015)

Ryan Murphy and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Show

[1/10 · 23 April 2016]

I've seen every episode of this show. I've seen it all. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Glee was the most incompetently run show this side of the 2000's. I've never seen a show fail so horribly on every level of production. The way this show is written is so insulting to the audience, it's the visual/auditory equivalent of Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuck, and Ian Brennan making you eat dirt. This show claimed to be a voice for the underdog yet utilized almost every single Racial Stereotype in the book. The two Asian characters, while being unrelated, both have the last name Chang. The black girl is sassy, the gay kid is sassy and loves madonna, the Christian girl is secretly pregnat, the latina is fiery and has attitude, if you've heard your slightly racist uncle make jokes at the thanksgiving dinner table then you've seen glee. This show has the creativity of a middle school aged blogger just trying to be offensive. It's predictable in every step and unbearable in every musical number. Between this show and American Horror Story, I'm convinced Ryan Murphy is trying to destroy television from the inside, how else would you explain Gwyneth Paltrow making several guest appearances? The devil is winning, Ryan Murphy is gaining strength, and you'll all have to answer to Jesus when he asks you who let this No Talent Unoriginal Bore create Multiple Television Shows across multiple channels. May God have Mercy on your Soul.

The Brady Bunch in the White House (2002 TV Movie)

Complete Garbage

[1/10 · 6 February 2014]

The first two Brady Bunch film were beautiful dumb fun. This film is dumb, dumb, dumb. I don't even know where to begin. First of all, the new Brady Bunch kids plus Alice were terrible at portraying their characters. At least Shelly Long and Gary Cole reprised their roles as Carol and Mike. But the rest are barely trying. Part of the fault lies within the writers for replacing subtle double entendres with blatant straightforward unoriginal dirty jokes, which takes away from the Brady Bunch feel. Another problem is how this film is shot. In the first two Brady Bunch, scenes set in the Brady home were shot just like the show. It was a comedic contrast between the real world and the Brady World. In this film the Brady home scenes are shot exactly the same as the rest of the film. Again, this takes away from the Brady Bunch feel a great deal. I've barely even dug into the plot. Bobby finds a winning lottery ticket and Mike decides to turn it in. The family is honored by the president. Then MIke becomes the president. See what's wrong here? It's nothing like the Brady Bunch. The plots of the first two Brady Bunch films heavily referenced story lines from the original series. They took place mostly within the Brady home. This plot is convoluted and is paced horribly. There's barley even a few scenes set in the Brady home! Most of the humor in the film comes from political jokes which constantly fall flat. There's nothing funny about Marsha not knowing the House of Representatives. Not only that, but the concept of "What if Mike Brady were president?" becomes horribly tired. Meanwhile, Jan's inner voices from the first film came back, only it was acted out flatly and in the most unfunny way. Another call back comes near the end with Marsha & Peter's weird quasi-incestuous relationship. Once again, it's handled with zero subtly and the humor is sucked out of the situation. Peter also becomes slightly more crude. He makes references to stuffing a sock in his pants and he talks about boobs a lot. That's not Brady behavior at all! None of the Brady kids act like Brady kids. The writers probably have never seen an episode of the Brady Bunch in their lives. The main focus of this film is Mike and Carol, with very little focus on the kids. While this was probably for the best because, like I said, the Brady kids are terrible, the film overall felt like a huge bore. The first two films had the perfect amount of cheesy humor, subtle jokes, and clever references. The Brady Bunch in the White House is as blunt as dull kitchen knife. It's an dark spot on an otherwise wonderful film series.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

The Perks of Being a Quirky White Dork

[3/10 · 17 April 2013]

Oh Brother. At the beginning of this movie the only thing I knew was that Perks is about a group of quirky white underdogs. Turns out, I didn't need to watch the entire 102 minute long film to find out that I have been right in my assumption the entire time. Perks has this way of throwing together tropes and clichés together in such a way that, if this movie was a pizza and the tropes were toppings then you would send this right back and whoever made it would have been fired (I'm afraid we have to let you go, Chbosky. Hand in your visor and apron by the end of the week).

I will say that Ezra Miller gives probably the best performance of the film. Logan Lerman is too busy slowly taking a soft bowel movement throughout the entire film to try giving a passable performance and Emma Watson is too focused on trying to not sound like a British person doing an offensively poor American accent. Ezra's character Patrick has probably the most interesting storyline out of the whole damn movie. Unfortunately, the small amount of screen time he gets is a testament to how little Chbosky really knows about how to craft a story or write about gay kids.

And then there's Emma. God help her, she's trying, but her American accent fluctuates from "Passable" to "You're not even trying." But I guess when you do eight movies where you have to talk in an over pronounced British accent trying to ditch it would be difficult. The character of Sam itself is rather plain. The character has a bit of a back story of being promiscuous, but we never really go into it. She worries about getting a good SAT score for a bit, but then she does. She finds out her boyfriend was cheating on her, but their break-up scene is mentioned to us and never seen. Yeah you know that rule of Tell don't Show, right? Sam is honestly a dull dull character that could have at least been a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, but unfortunately Chbosky couldn't even drum up enough excitement for that.

The supporting cast sure is... there. I won't even spend time on Charlie's family because spoiler: they're all boring. I will say that I feel bad for Mae Whitman. I think she's being typecast as "boring white girl" thanks to Arrested Development. Her character, Mary Elizabeth, is one of Sam & Patrick's friends. She ends up dating Charlie for about, let's say ten minutes. She ends up being a terrible girlfriend! At least, she's terrible enough so that you wouldn't feel bad for her when Charlie kisses Sam right in front of her! I still don't really know the point of Mary Elizabeth, although I did like her hair. Props to the Hair Department for doing an alright job. Other performances that actually stand out are Johnny Simmons as Closeted Gay Kid Brad and Paul Rudd as Cool English Teacher™ Mr. Anderson. The rest of the cast you could easily swap out for cardboard cut-outs and I would not be the wiser.

I focus on the characters and not the story because there is barely a story to begin with. Loser White Kid has no friends & repressed childhood. He meets quirky white individuals and fits in, deals with his repressed memories, falls in love. The end. Really this movie could have been an hour twenty minutes, tops. However, the story takes so many twists and turns and stretches the line in between Point A and Point B to the point where the line's almost about to snap. There's a large amount of scenes somewhere in the middle that we could easily do without, including any scene where Charlie takes drugs. Whoa! Charlie just took LSD and now he's... shoveling. And he said the tree was a dragon. Crazy stuff. Don't do drugs kids, or ya might shovel snow and then fall asleep! Scary stuff.

I'll wrap this up. "Perks" is a tired, boring mess of a film. The principal cast can barely force the boring lines about punk rock and cult movies out of their mouths while the supporting cast could be replaced by mannequins. The conflict of Charlie's repressed memories is overly dramatic to the point where it feels like I'm watching an After School Special at times.

Really, I can see how most people love this movie. It's about the white teen feeling at his most oppressed: Nobody understands him and they all laugh at him for reading books! Oh No! If it weren't for Cool English Teacher™ Paul Rudd I don't know what Charlie would have done. I kid you not, at one point one of Charlie's fellow classmates says "Nice Trapper Keeper, f****t." Of course I'd like to blame author Stephen Chbosky for this, since not only did he write the screen play but he also directed the movie. Good to know he got a lot of outside opinions then. Nah, I kid, Stephen Chbosky is great. I mean, who else could have written Rent as blandly as he could have? Well, Ryan Murphy I guess, but that's beside the point!

In conclusion, We accept the Infinite we think we swear in this moment. White People Rule.

Fired Up! (2009)

Fired Up more like F-I'm gonna vomit

[1/10 · 20 January 2013]

This is one of the more disappointing movies I've seen in my entire life. I don't know what's more offensive, the portrayal of gay and lesbian teens or the fact that they expect us to believe that a 30 year old Eric Christian Olsen and a 27 year old Nicholas D'Agosto are high school students. All this plus a poorly misplaced John Michael Higgins who is given absolutely nothing to work with. This movie is virtually plot less until the last 40 minutes and it's not even a good plot then. The ending is boring, anticlimactic and, in some aspects, downright insulting to the audience.

The worst part is the message: there is none. There's no clear theme or lesson in this story. Every character ended pretty much the same way as they started with almost nothing to gain from the experience.

On the bright side, I do have to congratulate the one million monkeys for successfully banging on one million typewriters for one million years to produce this textbook raunchy teen movie. You all have truly earned your one million bananas.

Couples Retreat (2009)

I know I'd like to retreat - to the bathroom so i can vomit

[2/10 · 20 January 2013]

This movie couldn't be more sloppily written so that Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau can have a nice little vacation while making a movie. From cheap testicular cancer jokes to jokes about children pooping, this movie's got it all. And by got it all, I mean is dumb and lazy. This movie is nearly tWO HOURS LONG! That's way too long for a movie like Couples Retreat and they still have to quickly tie up every single loose end in the last ten minutes. How can a movie this long still feel this rushed? It boggles my mind.

In conclusion, if you want to see Faizon Love's butt, then just google it. This movie isn't worth it.

Teen Wolf Too (1987)

Excellent Sequel!

[10/10 · 6 January 2013]

Now, I'm as big a fan of the 1985 Teen Wolf as anybody else, but when I heard there was a second movie that came out two years later? Well, you can imagine my surprise!

This film has the same atmosphere and the same cinematography as the first one, which really makes me feel like they put some hard effort into keeping up the good name of "Teen Wolf"

Once again, the performances are superb. I'm glad to see Mark Holton's "Chubby" character have more screen time.

My one critique is I don't care very much for Stuart Fratkin's portrayal of Stiles. To be fair, it's pretty hard to follow Jerry Levine's performance.

Overall, this movie was entertaining from start to finish. It's great if you want a goofy movie to watch with your friends.