hyteck9 Reviews

Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

Seizures for all

[1/10 · 9 July 2014]

An old truck was found by the hero. Shortly after that, shaking cameras, flashing lights, and fast moving shiny things attempted to induce seizures in the audience for about 2 hours. When I came too, I remembered there was this large robot with a glowing blade riding on the back of an even larger robot dinosaur recently put threw a temporary jaw-ectomy. The human hero nodded his head as he observed this from a distance as if to say, "This makes perfect sense to me." The human hero then picked up his very tiny gun , and shot parts of bad guys like they were made of graham crackers. I can only imagine he must of been using special ammunition, perhaps hollow points filled with good intentions. Then the hero robot left. The End. ( I don't think you will like this movie very much.)

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Best party comedy of the Year! Go see it!

[10/10 · 19 August 2011]

Seriously... Go see it, preferably with a large group of friends with a great sense of humor. The opening scene involving the world's fastest C-section and a Hasbro Wet and Wiggle doll covered in blobs of red Jell-O and Vaseline lets you know right from the beginning that you are in for a real treat. The Father holds the fake doll over his head and screams while surrounded by dozens of enemy warriors, and through what can only be described as rather amazing luck, he doesn't get slain in the process. Not to worry though, that sub-par IQ eventually overpowers lady luck and he dumps molten steel on his own face rather than any number of obvious and less terminal options. Then there is his son. Dead Father or no, this kid has issues. If he didn't end up killing everything trying to avenge his Father's death, he surely would have been just as violent and twisted, likely wearing fresh kitten pelts on his face dancing around in women's armor. The stupidity of the heroes is only surpassed by the moronic eccentricities of the villeins. The goth- dressed witch of an evil daughter is aching with desires of incest as she runs around with press- on nails made by Black and Decker... and the evil father is apparently so afraid of flash floods, he has a team of elephants drag his pirate ship all over the desert on their backs. Let me repeat that, "he has a team of elephants drag his pirate ship all over the desert ON THEIR BACKS." (as if any other form of RV is unacceptable) ...then he decides his ship is better served as a battering ram and breaks down a stone wall with it? I don't want to spoil everything now... but just know that this movie fails to successfully pull off every cliché in the book, including a "collapsing evil layer" that looks more like "planned pushing over just the walls that the actors get near" evil layer, and a climactic fight scene that takes place with the girl bound underfoot (overfoot? spinning around everyone's feet?) that is so confusing I have given up trying to explain it to people. Oh, and sand warriors that fly out of the sand and break apart when they fall on ... (wait for it.. ) sand! Just go see it. It is a riot.

Delgo (2008)

FAIL... simply the worst thing I have ever seen.

[1/10 · 18 December 2008]

I LOVE movies. I LOVE computer animation. I LOVE sci-fi / fantasy. That is why I hated this film. It gives them all a bad name. Hate is a strong word I suppose. More like overwhelmed to suicidal levels with disappointment. The sarcastic term "REALLY?" popped in my mind constantly as scenes artificially set up to predictably (and very poorly) spoof classic moments from various hit movies. At no time did I connect with the characters. When they went to war I just didn't care. In fact, the only thing I found myself hoping for is that someone would kill (slowly and painfully) Delgo's mentally retarded and epileptic sidekick. That would have gotten cheers from the entire audience (which comprised of just me.) As a hobby I have been making a movie for years. writing and editing a script, creating music, and I'll soon start the CGI work on my home PC. I was really worried that my hobby movie would be worthless because the graphics and animation won't be Pixar quality but DELGO has proved to me that graphics don't make a film. The music was also dismal. My first impression of the art was positive. It looked original and unique but soon decided that nothing was particularly attractive to look at and many of the creatures had extra eyes or appendages just because... like a Jr. High school kid on crack spent too many hours in the SPORE creature creator. Overall the biggest downfall was just direction and delivery. Imagine going to see a stand up comedy show where two comedians had to deliver the same material and one is hilarious while the other is awkward, flat and has no sense of dramatic effect and timing. Delgo is the latter. If anyone from Fathom studios reads this and says, "Hey Mr. Negative Insult Guy, think you could do better?" The answer is YES. I really do. and I would jump at the chance to try.