Cryonicus Reviews

Insidious: The Red Door (2023)

A lesson why you don't take minor plot threads and inflate their importance. Only the size changes, not the impact

[6/10 · 4 August 2023]

I knew the James Wan production line of horror has always been a hit or miss, but it's very rare for me that they show so much potential but then throw it out the window by not really knowing where to take the story. A little bit like word vomiting on a last minute essay to get up to the required amount of characters.

There were too many tiny plot threads that were blown up like balloons, but if they still have no weight then it's still empty air and it's gonna float away. Along with any suspense. That's how it felt watching this chapter of Insidious. The tiny plot threads that should've been concluded in the first 1/3 at most took until 4/5 through the movie. That didn't leave a lot of time.

Instead of telling a cohesive story it tried to tell several small ones, none of which felt very important in the end. The good I have to say about the movie is that it had a couple of good scares that aren't just jump scares.

A real shame, so much potential to end the Lambert family saga on a high note got lost in a maze of its own making.

Malignant (I) (2021)

This is not the James Wan movie you're used to

[5/10 · 11 October 2022]

Malignant contains a lot of symbolisms, so many that it might drown in it. I can't really name them or I'll spoil the twist. A twist so dumb it could even be made undumb by becoming an X-Files Episode or something.

Many characters act like they're stuck as the US Vice President of a Disaster Movie. No choice but to be a dick. So I didn't find any likable characters to invest in.

I also doubt it'll scare you much in the same way that Insidious or The Conjuring from James Wan have in the past. Do yourself a favor if you intend on watching this

Reset all your expectations to zero, don't read about it, then go watch it. If nothing else it certainly does join the popular club by subverting expectations!

The performances range from mediocre to above average and it honestly feels that more time was spent deciding what to subvert next.

James Wan remains a top tier director and even though I didn't like this movie. I was even close to shutting it off when it was just 20 minutes left. I was like "Nope, don't care. Time out, shut down".

James Wan's first real miss in my opinion, perhaps it's simply a case of "not for me" but I don't recommend this movie to anyone that still has something to watch...lava lamp?

X (II) (2022)

Gorgeous, disgusting, unsatisfied

[5/10 · 7 June 2022]

I really had no idea what movie I was going to get when I decided to watch X. I had no idea if it would be Texas Chainsaw, Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn, Friday 13th?

What I got was a movie that on many technical levels provides you with a very thought out and mechanical structure and feel. It's beautiful, sexy, horrifying and disgusting but at the same time, it felt very mechanical in the sense that the story didn't feel organic to me. It felt overly planned out and structured, where each plot point had to be met precisely but Ti West became so focused on the craft that he forgot to make the characters notable or likable beyond archetype.

The most human and believable character in typical fashion with 70s and 80s slasher flicks, was not treated too kindly. I'll leave it up to you to decide who that is.

I feel that if this had continued to be a movie about a group of people filming a porno in a weirdos back house, it would actually have left room for some intrigue. Instead we're invited to the slasher time through a predictable (probably purposefully so) starting shot for X that takes off sprinting and keeps sprinting until close to the end where it seems to run out of energy

Would I recommend someone to watch X? I think this can be one of those more polarising flicks where on one side, there's a group that understands the genius of the film and on the other side there's myself (hopefully not alone) thinking that it was perhaps sniffing its genius a little too much to forget to come up for air.

If you dislike sex scenes, exploitation, nudity, graphic violence and gore and disturbing imagery. I don't even know why you're here. This clearly isn't the movie for you.

Otherwise, you can expect to be at least mildly entertained, but beware that the sex scenes are quite vivid, loud and not the short sweet PG13 fade to black. If that's no problem for you, then it's a good movie and on technical levels, it's impressive. While narratively I was left unsatisfied (get it? Cause...nvm) but still entertained enough that I don't regret watching it.

State of Emergency (2011)

Slow burn and a flicker

[4/10 · 7 June 2022]

It's clear this movie had a rather low budget to shoot with, considering location, actors, re-used zombie actors, and lighting + sound issues.

The movie spends most of its time in a single location and unfortunately we don't get to know the characters very well at all throughout the movie. Very little about their past or even their present. The movie doesn't give them time to shine but rather spends it with "dead air" that unfortunately doesn't contribute to the atmosphere.

The zombies are poorly done. Even in 2011 there must've been guides how to use latex fudge to create a budget zombie...heck throw in some chicken skin.

I can't compare it to any other movie really, the only reason I stuck it out and I did so with breaks inbetween, it took me 2 days to finish this. I didn't give up though because I wanted to see the climax of the slow burn but in the end all I got was a flicker and that's why I give this 4/10

I would say genre fans can probably put this low on their list to watch when they run out of other stuff. If you're a regular movie watcher and looking for a good zombie flick. There's a lot better ones out there than this.

Play or Die (2019)

What was this even about?

[2/10 · 4 October 2021]

I'm writing my first review ever, feeling slightly compelled by the fact that I still don't know what this movie was about. Or why it was made

We have our main character, someone carrying the look of perpetual confusion and his girlfiend(?). Both whom through a series of mundane events find themselves at the premise of the movie. A sort of "escape room" building, designed to test your intelligence. Sound familiar? I'm sorry to say, This movie won't be testing your intelligence, it'll be testing your patience until the final act where the biggest test comes along.

Unfortunately, you're not going to get what you went into this movie hoping for. It has some Escape Room esque stuff in it, but you'll probably be too distracted by your wallpaper to notice. And you as the viewer don't get to be involved or immersed as to whats going on. I suspect the same was true for the actors because they look as confused as we do

Then came the moment when an executive said "We needed a twist and my son just solved all our problems" introducing his toddler son and by now I hope that you've realised everyone warning you to stay away from this movie were right.

So what am I trying to say with this somewhat disjointed review? That my review is 100x more coherent than the movie and your time is better spent arguing with strangers on Twitter. If you still want to watch it, know that it isn't one of those "so bad it's good". It's just bad and your time is more valuable than this

Hope you liked this review, I think I'll write more in the future.