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Reviews
Last Seen Alive (2022)
Have you seen...?
Have you seen "The Vanishing"? Have you seen "Breakdown"? You have? Then avoid this movie all costs. It's the same movie only you couldn't care less if the 'victim' is alive or dead.
Spoiler - she's ALIVE! Although you'll know that from the first scene when the rando dude in the back of the cop car says she's dead.
Oh, she loooooves her hubby. Then she wants a divorce/separation/time off up until the final 10 minutes and then it's all springtime and flowers.
Man, I wanted her dead so bad. And, her parents. And, Gerard Butler's character (can't recall his name because I do not care).
Go outside and find an electrified fence and pee on it and the sparks caused will be better than the meth lab explosion special effect.
Spencer (2021)
The level...
...of which I hated this movie cannot be quantified. That's it. That's the review. It's TERRIBLE! Do not waste your time. I mean, I know that Kristen Stewart sucks; but good lord the whole thing will drain your soul. It's plodding, and what is the deal with the music?? Go watch something out else. ANYTHING else!
The Call of the Wild (2020)
Director's Cut
Suggestion:
Buck is a menace to the town, but they have to deal with him because he's the judge's dog.
Buck causes havoc in his own house. They still put up with him.
Buck destroys the birthday feast. It's the final straw.
Judge takes Buck out behind the barn, ties him to a tree and shoots him.
Town is relieved. So is the family.
5 minutes. The end.
Unhinged (2020)
GladiatePizza
Woof. Russell Crowe has packed on the kilos (I shouldn't say anything; I ain't exactly svelte these days).
This isn't a bad movie, by any sense. It's not all that great, either. I tend to be more lenient on movies that pop up for viewing on Prime, so that's where I'm at.
The opening scene makes NO sense. If they had eliminated it, I think the movie would have been better. They could have established that The Man just snapped by the car horn. Instead, we knew he was "crazy". Also, he just burned down his former home with his ex and her new husband (I'm assuming) inside, it's on the news, neighbors talking about seeing him - and he's just driving around the next day?
Oh, sitting in a pool of lighter fluid isn't a big deal. I saw my dad refill his lighter one time, and not realizing some got on his hand, strike it and catch his hand on fire. It's nothing like gasoline. Fred wouldn't have lit up like that.
No one calls 911 as The Man kills Andy in the diner? Nope. Then he just gets in the truck and drives away.
How about just going to mom's house, taking her car out of the garage and pulling the Volvo in? The Man would have no clue. Guess mom wanted her revenge.
Sends the cops to the rich lady's house but not her own house (to protect brother and fiancé)? Nope.
Have I mentioned that RC is freaking HUGE? Between this movie and seeing Brendan Fraser in "No Sudden Move", I'm feeling a lot better about my physique.
Hey, listen - it's 90 minutes long. Are you bored on a weekday and want to kill time with a movie that moves along, has lots of holes, some medium gore level deaths and has the predictable payoff in the final scene? Watch it.
It's better than Thin Red Line, for sure. And, that movie got an Academy Award nomination for best picture.
The Midnight Sky (2020)
Gravity meets the Martian meets Interstellar...
....which equals a whole lot of "why did I even bother?" I guess the world is ending? This thing was all over the place, and not in a good way. The little girl - she's not the one the mom can't find at the beginning? There is a young Clooney in flashback; the girlfriend leaves him. Is the daughter she's leaving with Iris? Is it his? What is the point of the transfusions, if he stops worrying later on? Why have the two guys leave, without letting us know what happened? Iris is pregnant on the ship, and then...she just presses buttons as the credits roll. Oh, and in the Arctic Circle the ice doesn't freeze so you may drown. Then there is some guy and GC shoots him. Scene. Scene. Another scene. Lots of space debris that knocks out essential comms but not the ship? Astronaut can spend months on the ship but throws up on a space walk. Was waiting for "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose" near the end. They turn around; to what? I guess to have "Caroline" (you know it's the name after that silly "play some music" montage). This thing was a mish mash of WTF and it was nearly 2 hours long. Blah. Ignore it.
The Dead Don't Die (2019)
It ain't Zombieland or Shaun of the Dead
I suffered through this so you didn't have to.
1) This movie is an hour and 45 minutes. About 20 min too long, not as if editing it for time would have improved it.
2) You know how ever since Pacino won an AA for his role in Scent of a Woman, every subsequent role he's had as been some form of LtCol Frank Slade? That's Bill Murray. He's the same guy from Lost In Translation every time.
3) There is this foreshadowing in an early scene where Murray and Driver are in their squad car (they are two of the three cops, along with Sevigny, in the town of Centerville) and listening to "The Dead Don't Die" by Sturgill Simpson. He, and this song, will come up repetitively throughout the movie. Murray asks why are they listening to this. Driver responds "it's the theme song". I would have turned it off then if I had caught the meaning.
4) Tom Waits plays a hermit in the forest. He walks around muttering about how things seem weird. He watches the zombies come through binoculars. He never engages beyond that.
5) Steve Buscemi gets a chicken stolen. He wears a MAGA type hat that says "Keep America White Again"(?). His dog runs away. He sees his cows leave. Zombies come to his door and he kills a couple. And, that's it. That's all he does. He shows up in the final graveyard scene as a zombie.
6) RZA stops by a small gas station as a UPS (well, it's not UPS; it's a brown truck with something like WVPS. He's on screen for less than 2 minutes. He drives away. Later, he's a zombie in the same gas station.
7) There are 3 kids at a juvenile detention center. They watch the weird weather events play out on TV (Rosie Perez is, for some odd reason, the broadcaster. She plays no other part than to do a couple of TV scenes). They watch out the window later on. They escape when the zombies invade the center. They have a scene outside later on. That's it.
8) Selena Gomez and two male friends are driving across PA. They stop for gas. She flirts with the dorky guy behind the counter. She buys the Sturgill Simpson song on CD. They check into a motel. The cops happen to be there. Murray, Driver and the motel manger leer at her. She gets snacks. She has a couple of scenes where she walks away in tight shorts. She and her friends watch the weird events that are occurring on TV. Next time we see them, they're dead. That's it (other than Driver chopping her head off and holding it up by the hair).
9) Carol Kane is in an early scene. She's dead. Is her corpse in the morgue? Nope. It's in a cell at the police station, rotting until the next morning when it's due to be picked up. She becomes a zombie later on when Murray, Driver and Sevigny are at the station. Driver cuts her head off. That's that. (Mind you, none of this is done Walking Dead or Zombieland style. It just happens, in a dry, black comedy manner, but it's not funny or amusing).
10) Tilda Swinton plays...wait for it...Zelda Winston. I'm surprised her first name wasn't Dilta. She's weird, is the new owner of the funeral home, has a dojo in back and wields a samurai sword like The Bride and Marchonne. She has a Scottish accent. She uses the police radio/computer to summon aliens to come take her home. This is supposed to be funny.
11) Oh, and Driver gives Swinton his car keys. There is an Imperial Cruiser key chain. She mentions Star Wars and how she likes it. Driver says something like "yeah, it's good'. Again, this is supposed to elicit a laugh.
12) Iggy Pop is the first zombie we see, half hour into the movie. Oddly, he isn't wearing any zombie make up for his scene (HiYO!).
13) Oh, cutting off a zombie head makes this black smoke appear and the zombie dies.
14) So, after 90 minutes of just scenes and people and nothing really meshing; scenes where the three cops drive around; where no one is banding together to find a solution, we get the money shot. Murray asks Driver why he continually throughout the movie says "this isn't going to end well." Driver replies "it's in the script" You gotta be kidding. Murray says something like "you've seen the whole script? I only got our pages." I'm paraphrasing. Murray makes a comment about how he's always been so good to Jim (presumably a reference to the director). Then, they get out of the car, kill as many zombies as possible, until they are finally overtaken. The end.
Harriet (2019)
Meh
I feel 5 is a good rating and this movie seems to be about average. And, I tend to be more forgiving of a movie that shows up on a streaming service and you go "eh, it's Saturday during quarantine and I have nothing better to do".
My understanding of the real Harriet Tubman is Wikipedia-ish at best. So, I won't argue the merits of its historical accuracy (others here have bashed it). Creative license and all that. But, some observations that stuck out to me:
Harriett leaves her husband behind. Manages to escape on foot even though men with horses and tracking dogs seem to be 20 yards behind her at all times. This becomes a regular occurrence. I mean, she is FAST.
She keeps going back, back, back to the same plantation that she escaped from. To get her husband after being gone a year. (Oops, he remarried and his new wife is expecting! Harriett is NOT happy! Didn't he know she was coming back?? How could he not!?
So, she gets her brothers. Then goes back later for her sister. Then goes back to get her parents and niece. Daytime. Nighttime. Doesn't matter. She goes to church there in the middle of the day. Stands out in the open talking to her father even as she knows that men are after him. But it's ok - goes back to her former plantation to get her mother. And more people. She evades the long arm of the law who always plants themselves on the same bridge.
Young bad guy who will sell out escaped slaves becomes a close confidant.
Bigger Long. Don't know if he was an actual dude in real life. But, that's preeeettty close to Biggie Smalls in my estimation. What was his role? To let the White audience nod and say "see - they did it to their OWN kind!" Also, plenty of Whites helping the runaways so they can nod and say "see! We HELPED them!" Only thing missing was the kind slave owner who took care of his "property" and was actually very loving and supportive. Hollywood loves that character, almost as much as the White characters in sports 'based on a true story' all come together and their racist/bigoted views are miraculously washed away from the inspiration of the Black athlete(s).
Back and forth we go. Long soliloquy's from Harriett. Crisscrossing the country. Lots of singing, almost as a siren call of "come to me" and they do. She sees, literally, God and future events (including the Civil War two years ahead of time). When she crosses the river to lead frightened people, is that supposed to represent her Moses moniker? Perhaps physically parting it was a bridge too far for the director.
Anyhow, I guess you could do worse.
Piranha 3DD (2012)
70 minutes felt much longer
Ok, so it's billed at 1:22 but it really is about 70 minutes of actual movie. And, wow it felt longer than that! I knew what I was getting with the DD thing (and, hey, they did NOT disappoint!). This wasn't gonna be Jaws, for sure.
So, are you killing time on a quarantine day stuck at home? Does this pop up on one of your 37 different streaming services? Are you day drinking? Put it on your phone. It'll take just over an hour. You get some gore, T&A and The Hoff doing his Hoff thing. You'll get David Koechner doing his Champ Kind. You'll get Doc Brown. You get to see Gary Busey get what's coming to him. You get to see Cerie from 30 Rock puke twice. You get to see Sean William Scott 2.0. You'll chuckle 3, maybe 4 times?
It's still better than Spring Breakers.
Midway (2019)
Middling
So, I tend to give more leeway to a movie I wasn't forced to see in the theater and just showed up on one of the 37 different streaming apps I have. Therefore, I'll give "Midway" a 5.
Does it deserve it? Not really. I mean, it's not the *worst* WW2 movie ever made. That honor will always and forever go to "The Thin Red Line". That movie suuuucccked.
Patrick Wilson brings the same energy to this role as he did in "The Alamo". This is not a compliment.
Ed Skrein is trying to use his best Jersey accent; not the English Jersey. New Jersey. Kinda gets tiresome. When you do a WW2 movie, you apparently watch "Mr Roberts" as your inspiration and call it a day.
I was pretty sure Ed was actually Nicholas Hoult for the first hour of this movie. Interchangeable, I guess.
The CG wasn't *that* bad, but there was definitely a 'Call Of Duty' feel to everything.
"Ridley, you got some Beemans?" Oh, and make sure there's a picture of the wife and kid stuck to the control panel.
Nick Jonas is a hero. Eh, ok. Now go live in Jumanji for 20 years.
Woody Harrelson has a God awful hairpiece and completely destroys all credit he earned from Zombieland Doubletap.
Dennis Quaid seemingly never ages. I'm surprised he wasn't cast as a Seaman 2nd Class instead of Halsey.
The whole "you're the Navy and you just give us a ride" thing was stolen from "A Few Good Men". Blah.
You can drop one bomb and take out a fleet of enemy bombers. Good to know.
Only one guy died on the Arizona, apparently; he was an academy classmate of the one rogue "you can't tell ME what to do" pilot. They all toast just him. Not the other 1,176 sailors.
It's not as bad as "Pearl Harbor". That's a compliment.
The O Club - don't recall it looking like that when I was in Oahu. But, hey look! There's a Seaman walking up to the bar!
In my next life, I want my name to be Dick Best. "You got THAT right, buddy"
Aaron Eckhart is NO Alec Baldwin!
What? The scared Ensign pilot dumps in the water and is run over by the carrier? I did not see that one coming.
Spruance was more dedicated to fighting zombies in a mall than the Japanese.
Lindsey is gonna die. No doubt. And, he does.
A lot of cigarettes are smoked.
"Then I'll probably be scrubbing potatoes in Leavenworth" Solid line by the writer.
Nick Jonas and his awesome mustache somehow becomes a "tail gunner". And, then he's in raft! And, then he's tossed overboard by the Japanese with, wait - an anchor tied to him? Oh, this won't sit well with his fans.
"This for Pearl" And Mandy Moore, who was barely in this movie.
It's gonna shock you - but the first scene where Dick Best does the "let's pretend that our plane is in distress" then lands it on the carrier? Yeah, he does that later for real.
And, then, at the end - they get you with the real life people everyone portrayed. So, I'll give it a 6.
Ready or Not (2019)
Was prepared to hate it
So, I'd never even heard of this movie. It shows up as a Saturday night premier on a certain streaming app, and I decided to give in. Let me also say I tend to give more leeway to a movie that I didn't pay $25 plus snacks to see. If I can sit outside and catch it on my phone and it entertains me, that usually helps it's rating for me.
At first, it sorta seemed to be a "Get Out" rip-off, but I was certainly not. It's sometimes scary, sometimes slow, sometimes campy. The end pays off, so stay with it.
Don't take this movie to serious. Just enjoy it. It's really pretty fun!
Boston (2017)
It was good, but...
First, I liked this doc and the backstory on the Boston Marathon. It was, ultimately, a John Hancock infomercial - which is fine (produced by the company and the name shows up repeatedly throughout). It was very focused on the 2014 marathon, the year after the bombing.
One very big part that was missing - the 1982 Dick Beardsley/Alberto Salazar "Duel in the Sun" race. I was surprised that it wasn't highlighted. Rosie Ruiz is covered, as is the Kathrine Switzer "261" race. Interesting that they eliminated the '82 race, as it's quite famous.