troytheisen Reviews

Amityville Clownhouse (2017)

Clownhouse? Hmmm ... where? I Don't See Any Clowns!

[1/10 · 15 September 2023]

I don't recall seeing any scary clowns in this movie. I think there was one clown right at the beginning that didn't have anything to do with the story, what little there was of it. And that was about it. There was not a clownhouse full of clowns, and it certainly wasn't an Amityville house full of clowns. For that matter, it wasn't even an Amityville house. What in the world is going on here?

Okay ... let's suss this out. The title of the movie is "Amityville Clownhouse." I've got that much. So, to wit ...

1. In a Clownhouse, you would expect a house that is full of clowns. Furthermore, being a movie that is labeled a "Horror" movie, you would expect a house full of murderous clowns with terrifying makeup, similar to the clown on the poster. Right? Well ... wrong. That is not in this movie. There is no clownhouse, and there are no terrifying clowns. Basically, there are NO clowns to speak of.

2. In an Amityville movie, you would expect and Amityville-looking house, buuuuut ... NO! You would be wrong. There is no Amityville house at all. And the house that IS there does not have clowns in it, so not only is it NOT a clownhouse, as previously mentioned, but it is not even an Amityville house, so the title is a big, old misdirection.

In conclusion, I honestly don't know what this is supposed to be, but it isn't what the title says it is by one iota. What I would have named it is ... "Boring, Terribly Directed & Acted Waste of Time." That would have been entirely accurate. Too bad, too, because something really cool could have been made from that title alone. What a shame. What a darn shame. :(

Reunion from Hell (2021)

Where do They Find These People?

[1/10 · 11 September 2023]

There is no way in blue heIl that a single one of these "actors" have ever, EVER gone to one iota, one minute, one second of acting school. The acting is so embarrassing, that I have to turn away from the cringe for most of the movie and just rely on the audio. But sadly, that aspect is just as bad. The people stutter their lines, start to say the last line or the next line, and then remember the correct and stop and say that! The director doesn't cut the scene and start over. He just barrels right on through. My guess is that he thinks it sounds natural. Guess what? IT DOESN'T SOUND NATURAL AT ALL! It sounds like some goof forgetting his or her lines while attempting to act in a one-star movie. Who funds this junk? How was a sequel ever made for this nonsense? Please, for all that it is worth, DO NOT waste your time on this rubbish! I'm warning you!

Snow Falls (2023)

Ease Up People, There Is Much Worse!

[4/10 · 5 April 2023]

MAYBE SLIGHT SPOILERS, BUT THAT WOULD SUBJECTIVE: People are bashing this movie like its the worse dreck ever to grace the screen. How ridiculous! Be reasonable! This isn't a garage film made by two pimply-faced 14-year-olds on a $100 budget, okay? So, mellow out! This is a mediocre to below-average film with mediocre acting, a mediocre scipt, mediocre directing, a mediocre plot, and billions of holes that moves at a slogging pace, but there are much, much, much worse films out there, okay? Just remember that!

Anyhow, this is a bad film, so here goes: First of all, nobody in their right mind is going to go to a cabin in the woods without checking the weather forecast first. Second of all, nobody is going to HAVE a cabin in the woods without making sure that the firewood is stocked completely in the event of such a situation as what occurred in this movie. Thirdly, no one is going to go to a cabin in the woods without ample food supply plus excessive reserves of water and food, fourth there are blankets all over the place to stay warm, but no one is using them, fifth, they have a gas stove, but no one is using the gas to keep warm (WHAT?), sixth, they strip to utilize body heat (DUMB!), seventh, they are in the woods, and they have an axe, go cut some damn firewood, boneheads! Eighth would be the question: Where is all the darn snow? The blizzard, as described on the radio at the beginning of the movie was supposed to be pretty gnarly. Later, when it's NOT snowing for some strange reason, the snow on the car, is about three inches deep. Huh? A blizzard of that magnitude should have buried the car! AND ... the snow should still be falling in gusts! And lastly, the med student girl needs to give up her career choice and be a professional paper clip bender or a bread tie twister or some other career that doesn't require too much brain power. Nobody is that stupid.

The kids are cold, got it. But after two days of cold, they are hallucinating already? So they blame it on the snow? What? That would mean that the entire state they live in would be undergoing hallucinations and it would be a statewide, or at least a countrywide, LSD trip. Since you have brought hallucinations into the story, you have opened up a whole big can of worms that you cannot escape from, and you don't have enough time in your film left to expand on it, because that would now be your sole focus. At the end, when the authorities arrive, and why did they arrive, by the way? Who called them? Anyway, when they arrived, they didn't seem to be hallucinating. Three days of sleep deprivation doesn't make you have delusions and hallucinations. Look, there are many, MANY holes in this story, but I've seen much, MUCH worse. So ease up on the film people. It was reasonably entertaining, really stupid, and one big, gigantic, bottomless plot hole, but I watched the whole thing, instead of turning it off, so at least there's that.

Suck (2009)

I Watch it Every Halloween

[10/10 · 1 February 2023]

Suck, along with about four other movies, goes into my stack of traditional Halloween movies for annual watching. This movie, when I first watched it, back in 2010, immediately became a staple in my home. What a wonderful surprise it was. Such an exceptional movie. It's funny, entertaining, doesn't take itself too seriously, and delivers on all levels for a Comedy/Horror flick.

It's a road movie, a rock 'n' roll movie, a vampire movie, a horror movie, a comedy movie, a movie with a relatively deep story for what it is, and one with a coherent and satisfying ending. I wish they had made a Suck 2, but maybe they didn't want to take a chance on ruining a piece of gold like this. You can't go wrong with Suck. It's a diamond in the rough. Highly recommended!

Killjoys (2015–2019)

Exceptional Sci-Fi Show

[9/10 · 21 December 2022]

So, I get it! All the Hannah John-Kamen bashing in the reviews around this one is because she's so freakin' gorgeous that the women are jealous of her, and the men are angry because they can't have her. That's got to be it. Because the girl CAN act. She has good chops, she has good timing, and very talkative eyes. She needn't say much when she uses her eyes to communicate, which she does quite often in Killjoys.

Aaron Ashmore, just as he was in Warehouse 13, is awesome. He is always so believable in the character he plays, no matter what show, and you consistently find yourself rooting for him time and time again. The actor who plays his brother, Luke MacFarlane, I had never seen before, but I am satisfied with what he brings to the table.

Look, there is a reason this show ran it's full course: The stories are great. The banter between the three is so good and so fun to watch and be a part of. This was an excellent show, well-written, exceptionally filmed, and a perfect one to binge-watch! Highly recommended!

Ash vs Evil Dead (2015–2018)

More Idiot TV Execs Who Have No Clue

[10/10 · 16 December 2022]

Really? I used to think that people who ran things knew what they were doing until I went to college and got my MBA. Then I realized that most people at the top (executives) don't know their you-know-what from a hole in the ground. They are generally so concerned about the bottom line in the here-and-now that they don't know how to control the here-and-now to make the difference in the long run which would control the ability for the line to continue into the black in the future. It's the biggest mistake made in business, and it's a constant. Because, these days, most business people have no idea how to run a business! The problem? Centralized greed. They are thinking of the money today, instead of the actions today that bring LOTS of money tomorrow. THAT is what business is. AND THAT is what separates rich people from failures. A couple of BIG "for instances" in TV networks are the SyFy channel, the Travel Channel, and Destination America. Those companies are run by a bunch of no-nothing losers. Now you can add Starz to the list! The cancellation of this show is absolute proof positive! There are a bunch of people who need to fired now!

The Willowbrook (2022)

Not Bad, but Was Definitely Rushed!

[5/10 · 12 December 2022]

While the acting was quite good, and the locations was exceptional, The Willowbrook suffered from what I would call lack-of-content syndrome. They kept the mystery going on for the majority of the short 73 minutes, but there was no huge reveal, and there could have been. I hate when movies like this come along that are shadows of what they could have been. It's really a darn shame. It could have been right up there with others of its ilk, but instead, it's kind of petered out like a car that runs out of gas. There was plenty of time to add suspenseful and meaningful content, and yet, they chose not to. Why? Why in blue hell would you do that to you own beloved movie? This one was rushed beyond belief, to the point of damaging a good movie and making it a mediocre one at best. Shame on you movie people ... not the actors, everyone else!

Ghost Brothers: Light's Out (2021– )

Ghost Clowns: Three-Ring Circus Lights ... On!

[1/10 · 7 December 2022]

This is not a Paranormal Show, and how these goofy clowns got a show of their own is beyond me. The first show they had was bad enough, and it got canceled (rightfully so), but then they did some silly sit-around-on-a-couch-and-talk show with Jerk Osbourne and then, suddenly, they have another show of their own! WHY? What's the appeal? Somebody called them sexy! WHAT? Uhm ... pardon me, but that's not a requirement for paranormal investigators. Intelligent, insightful, attuned: These are the requiremets. Sexy? Not a chance! Also, ghost hunting isn't about constantly telling jokes, making light of a situation, and running away from evidence. It's about using tactfulness and knowhow to gather said evidence and then staying put while the evidence presents itself. These guys run from it, screaming like sissies, akin to little second-grade school girls. First, Travel Channel gets rid of the best ghost hunters ever in The Tennessee Wraith Chasers, then they sign on Jerk Osbourne to work with poor Katrina, when he knew absolutely NOTHING about the paranormal, then along comes drug-addled Kesha, then she's followed by the clown show called Ghost Brothers - Lights Out. What are they doing over there? Have they lost their freakin' minds? Bring back The Tennesse Wraith Chasers! Get Dave Shrader back on one way or another! (NEVER should have canceled The Holzer Files)! Get the darn Kindred Spirits show contracted for at least five more seasons, and lose this Ghost Brothers fake evidence clown show! NOW! P. S. I know it's probably in Zac's contract, but it's a travesty that they don't have the best, most intuitive and modernized, ghost show on television, Nick Groff's Death Walker, in the United States.

After She Died (2022)

Disjointed But Still Mysterious

[6/10 · 30 October 2022]

Okay, I really didn't like the Spanish speaking parts, where, only being 50% fluent in Spanish, I couldn't pick up on everything the mother and daughter were saying. Someone with 0% fluency will be lost completely! This was totally not necessary, and it detracted from the movie ... large scale!

Next, "After She Died" had its eerie moments, and it did provide a sense of mystery and a slight bit of dread. However, with that being said, the whole supernatural part of the film is, sad to say, disjointed and, quite frankly, ridiculous! And the evil spirit mask was really, really bad! When you can tell it's akin to a Halloween mask, it's bad, okay? I have seen better costumes on five-year-olds who are trick-or-treating.

Back to the disjointed story: Many parts were unnecessary and pointless and had me scratching my head. For instance, the very, very short lesbian scene should have ended up on the editing room floor. It had absolutely nothing to do with the story. Not a thing! Was this just posturing by the director for Hollywood to notice him? Probably. The actor playing the dad was not good at all, and appeared to be phoning it in rather than playing a character. The actresses playing the mother and daughter did exceptional work with what they were given.

Overall, this could have been so much better. Much of it, which was unnecessary and confusing, should have been edited out. More money should have gone toward the presentation of the forest spirit. The side story concerning the daughter's "boyfriend" was completely out of place and should have been canned, and the storyboard should have been tended to with more of an understanding of what makes up a cohesive story. Not bad, but could have been world's better!

Belly Timber (2016)

Eating People ... AGAIN?

[2/10 · 3 October 2022]

It's almost as bad as the overabundance of zombie movies, most of them far inferior to your standard movie. Here we have the other genre that is supposed to scare the pants off of people ... cannibalism! OOH, SSSCCCCARRRYYYY! Come on, give me a break. There is absolutely NOTHING scary about a crazy family eating people. So what? It's sickening. It causes a specific deadly disease. It really brings forth the "it's not real" vibe in a movie, which severly detracts from its credibility and believability factors. And the name of the movie is just plain stupid. Hey, movie makers! Get off your zombie/cannibal trips! Those genres have been saturated, and there are no stories left that can be made and considered original! Get it? Got It? Good! Now move on to something that is actually interesting, like The Conjuring or Smile or Poltergeist or The Sixth Sense, etc.!

Portals to Hell (2019–2022)

Jack Osbourne Sucks!

[2/10 · 8 September 2022]

I like Katrina. She knows what she's doing! Jack? Oh, man, that guy is the most annoying punk I have ever encountered. Someone at The Travel Channel thinks that Jack Osbourne is more marketable than Nick Groff! WWWWRRRROOONNNNNGGGGG!!!!! Yet, somehow, the execs really, truly are thinking that. Case in point, they have him doing like 10 different shows simultaneously! Really? Give me a freakin' break! He has no charisma. He is boring to listen to. He has no insight to anything ever, and he has no business being on television. He belongs working on a farm or in a factory somewhere. He would even do well as a paper clip bender. But then again, any TV station that thinks giving Kesha her own ghost show, while getting rid of some of the best ghost hunters ever known to television, The Tennessee Wraith Chasers, has already walked the plank and jumped off! The Travel Channel has missed the train with putting all their bets on Jack Osbourne and Kesha! What a bunch of fools!

Concerning Portals to Hell: 1. The Name is Stupid.

2. Jack Osbourne is NOT a paranormal investigator, nor will he ever be.

3. Not enough use of actual paranormal detecting equipment (Ghost Adventures use equipment for proof CONSTANTLY, and have great results).

4. Katrina and Jack have the chemistry of oil and water; they just seem so uncomfortable together.

5. Jack is way out of his league with Katrina Weidman; she should have been able to stay with Nick Groff. They complimented each other immensely.

The Last Trip (2015)

Booooorrrrriiiiinnnnnnggggg!

[2/10 · 3 July 2022]

Not only was this one of the most boring "teen" movies ever to grace my screen, but they couldn't even pick out some sexy girls or moderately attractive guys! Come on, man! If your movie is going to suck, at least provide some eye candy!

30 Days of Night (2007)

Suspenseful ... Bad Ending

[7/10 · 24 May 2022]

I'm not one who goes out of his way to find vampire movies. Sometimes, I do my best to avoid them, like the Twilight nonsense. But "30 Days of Night" turned out to be a pleasant surprise. The gore was turned up to 10, but that's not what made it good. It was the suspense and the eerie setting. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of this movie until the ending. I would have liked it to be less emotional.

If the ending was such that it was a precursor to the sequel, I understand, but then Melissa George should have been in the sequel, and she wasn't, which took rating stars away from that movie too. The sequel was well-done, also, in its own right. Both movies are worth watching one after the other.

Twinsanity (2018)

Not Bad

[5/10 · 15 May 2022]

Another reviewer, obviuosly female, watched the entire movie because the "guy is pretty hot."

You know? Give me a break! That is not what you watch a movie for. Maybe a porno, but not a "horror" movie. Women like that are to be avoided, guys! They will never stop their wandering Jezebel eyes.

The movie? It was okay, and it could have been much, much better. I am a writer, and the first thing I can notice, if that is the problem, is the script writing. So many things were done and said that decreased the suspense level. And so many things weren't said that could have increased it.

It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. Middle-of-the-road, sad movie-making and sad Jezebel reviewer, "gimailito." Grow up.

All the Bright Places (2020)

Kind of Cute, but ...

[6/10 · 8 May 2022]

This movie was kind of cute, kudos to the script writer, however, what happened to movies with white boys and black girls? I haven't seen one in about three years. Sounds like there is more agenda-posturing going on than actual movie making.

I am white, and my wife is black, and she is offended by this. Hollywood is practicing racism against my black wife!

Life in a Year (2020)

The Epitome of Cliches + No Ability to Act!

[2/10 · 8 May 2022]

1. Jaden Smith is not an actor, has never been an actor, and will never be an actor. He basically sucks at everything he does that his father pushes him into.

2. The movie is full of cliche after cliche after cliche.

3. This movie is supposed to make you cry. I used to work in a Children's Hospital. Now THERE is a place to cry for cancer children. This movie makes it seem like it's just another day with cancer. Ho-Hum.

4. Have I already mentioned that Jaden Smith is not an actor? Riding coattails of mommy and daddy does not an actor make!

13 Sins (2014)

Loved It!

[10/10 · 6 May 2022]

Some "reviewer" had "silly plot" in their title. No, there was nothing silly about it. This could really happen. It is definitely not too far-fetched.

Anyhow, this flick reminded me of a lower budget version of "The Game" with Michael Douglas, but it doesn't fall short of that movie one iota. Throughout "13 Sins," you are wondering what is going to happen next. And the anticipation along with the wondering is what makes this movie special. The suspense is very fluid and highly toxic.

I didn't have to leave my brain at the door, like so many of these "psycho thrillers" require me to do. And that being said, this is billed as Horror/Thriller. It's not. This is a Psychological Thriller through and through. Because of the type of reveal involved in this sort of movie, there isn't much of a rewatchability factor, however, the first time through is a fun and wild ride!

6:45 (2021)

Not all, Not all, Not all, Not all, Not all it's cracked up to be!

[3/10 · 4 May 2022]

I didn't check out any trailers or any reviews before watching this movie, so I knew nothing about what I was getting myself into.

At first, there were so many questions, and it was quite intriguing, but the Groundhog Day effect was far too overused. AND (this is the worst of all) the protagonist KNEW what was going to happen each day just like Groundhog Day or Happy Death Day, but unlike those movies, did nothing about it to change it. Here are the problems and holes in the plot of this movie:

1. Main character was having Groundhog Days with a terrible ending each time before waking up again, but did absolutely NOTHING to try and change things from one day to the next.

2. This went on FAR too many times. It was the same thing over and over and over without any significant changes to alter the negative outcome.

3. Why would anyone in their right mind kill a beautiful and extremely sexy woman like Augie Duke?

4. So many, many holes. The characters did NOTHING that normal people would do if they were experiencing the same issues.

5. Could see the ending a mile away, and it was full of negativity, sadness, and morose depression. Terrible ending.

CONCLUSION: There is already far too much negativity in the world. Why add fuel to that fire? Besides, the main character was a complete and utter idiot.

1BR (2019)

1BR is Atmospheric and Poignant

[9/10 · 2 May 2022]

I was very impressed with this movie. Going into it, I wasn't expecting much. You know, typical low-budget indie flick with far too much film and very little story.

Not so, here. 1BR was unique, had a great eerie atmosphere, and it was acted superbly. The story kept me glued to the end, and as someone else already mentioned, there was a cool Twilight Zone-type of ending that really cashed in the chips.

Recommended!

5ive Girls (2006)

Reminiscing

[6/10 · 2 May 2022]

5ive Girls is a teen horror flick that is very close to ALL the witchcraft teen films going back to The Craft.

There are some disconnected scenes that the producer and director, I guess, found necessary to avoid filmer's block. I really don't see Ron Perlman's character as being a necessary part of this movie, either. He was compelling at first, but then it wasn't expounded upon, leaving his character as being worthless in regards to the story.

It's a supernatural, paranormal, witchcraft-type movie, but it's so far out there, that you most-definitely have to leave your brain and any semblance of discernment at the opening credits. It's okay for a Saturday night popcorn flick, but no redeeming qualities, I'll never watch it again.

5ive Must Die (2017 Video)

Not Great, But Not Bad, Either!

[7/10 · 2 May 2022]

Location, location, location! Isn't that what they say? Well, wherever they shot this flick was a great location. The atmosphere was claustrophobic and I felt boxed in for the majority of the film. A huge plus is that this movie wasn't stretched out to "indie" proportions and left to do what it had to do in ample time so that the effect was powerful and long-lasting. The acting was above average, and actually, really good for an indie. The story was engaging, and production was exceptional, especially given what they had. The only reason I didn't go higher than 7 was because there were a few stupid things that happen all the time in these types of movies:

1. "Okay, let's split up and cover more ground." STUPID!

2. I have gun. I am going to need it, but I got scared, dropped it on the ground, and ran away. Now I have no protection, and the killer is right my tail.

STUPID!

3. "I see a way out of this mess. I am halfway there, but I am going to turn around and go back because I am curious as to what the killer looks like." STUPID!

-1 for each stupid move = 7/10.

The Ghost Town Terror (2022– )

Exceptional

[10/10 · 6 April 2022]

This is one of the best non-fiction ghost investigations I have ever seen. There is no over-the-top, chewing-the-scenery, playing-up-to-the-camera acting nonsense (I'm talking to you, Zak Bagans of Ghost Adventures), and there is a genuine air of foreboding over the family at the center of it all. The two main investigators really do care, they are extremely knowledgeable in their field, and the people they bring in to help them are top notch, as well. I certainly hope they make this into a regular annual series. Since Discovery got rid of one of the best ghost teams ever, The Tennessee Wraith Chasers, and after a huge series of stupid ghost shows have come and gone, I have been reluctant to watch anything else on Discover concerning ghost chasing at all. I accidentally happened across this show, and, boy, am I glad I did. It is definitely a 10-star presentation. But knowing how Discovery operates, they'll probably kick this one to the curb, also. As far as pulling excellent, noteworthy shows goes, SyFy has always been the worst (those guys have shot themselves in the foot more times than I can count), but Discovery is not far behind.

A Demon Within (2017)

These people are NOT actors!

[1/10 · 30 March 2022]

What we have here is a group of people who wanted to go to Hollywood to "make it big" but simply can't act their way out of a paper bag. It's so bad that it's embarrassing, and they need to go home and chase another dream, because this one is nothing more than a self-created nightmare.

The people who don't fall into that category must have been found at the local mall next to the initial filming site shopping for knick-knacks. They can act better than the "actors," but they suck too. To every single "actor" or person who played some part in this movie ... GO HOME!

Asteroid: Final Impact (2015 TV Movie)

Surprisingly Good If You Leave Your Brain At Home

[7/10 · 17 March 2022]

I was expecting some run-of-the-mill, campy, terribly acted, terribly written disaster movie. You've seen one, and you seen them all.

Not so with Asteroid: Final Impact. It may not appeal to everyone, but for what it is, budget-wise, and being a TV movie, to me, it was surprisingly engaging. The only thing I was wondering was where the government was in all this, but that's the part you're not supposed to wonder about. Other than that, the acting was solid, except for the goofy female FBI agent. That lady needs to find another line of work. Acting is NOT her forte. Emilie Ullerup is a knockout and an excellent actress to boot. The rest of the cast never overacted or made me feel uncomfortable. I cared about their characters, and I wanted them to succeed in their mission.

I did not and do not work for anybody involved with this production. I am giving it a 7/10, because I think it deserves it, and you could do much worse.

Havenhurst (2016)

Ending Destroyed An Above Average Film

[4/10 · 12 March 2022]

This story had a good premise, and it was delivering an ample helping of suspense and fright right up to the ending, and then ...

Terrible, just terrible. One of the worst and most depressing endings I have ever witnessed in a movie. Look, sometimes, movie require a "Cujo" ending, but this one didn't! The ending was the EXACT opposite of what it should have been. I would bet big bucks that if the ending had been changed to what it was supposed to be, Havenhurst would have made more money and would have received more recognition. This was a bad decision all the way around the production team.

ALL 8 - 10 STARS I was planning on giving were lost at the end. The 4 that are there are for the outrageously beautiful Julie Benz. Head to toe, that woman is fine as wine in the summertime, and always has been! She makes the highly conceited and egotistical Kate Beckinsale look like a toad.