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Reviews
The Pistol: The Birth of a Legend (1991)
The worst movie ever made about anything
I'm beginning to think that every other person (save one) who posted on this movie's board has sustained some sort of serious head trauma. I looked this film up with hopes that I could enter into some fantastic and deeply ironic conversation on this film's utter lack of merits. Imagine my surprise when I found that some people seem to enjoy this terrifyingly bad piece of rubbish.
The acting is atrocious, particularly from the slow child in the title role. He seems ruefully aware of the fact that there is a camera in his face. The script seems less to have been "written" then compiled from a book of clichés by an illiterate night manager at Wal-Greens. The screenwriters hope to trick the audience to accepting comments like "you don't want people to think you're light in your loafers, do you?" as homespun wisdom or, at the very least, something that normal loving families say.
Maybe I'm just a purist, you know, with wanting healthy relationships to be sustained by something more than a game. But apparently, according to a few posters, a shared love for basketball is a healthy and loving way for a father to relate to his son. One wonders what sort of relationship Press would have had with his boy had he been, say, a dancer. I'll leave that to your imagination.
In any case, this movie blows. Hard. Don't ever ever ever ever ever watch it.
Monkey Shines (1988)
FUNNIEST MOVIE EVER!!
SPOILERS
When I caught the tail end of this film on Cinemax...You know, where the paralyzed man wills himself to move in order to play an 80's rock ballad for his homicidal monkey friend, I thought this was a comedy...a horror spoof. It was only later that I learned it was an honest attempt at horror crafted by someone I thought was something of a horror genius. This is a definite misfire, but one that is inadvertantly hilarious.
The action starts when our hero, a jogger who pointlessly stretches naked to start the film, is hit by a truck. He flies in the air like a ballet dancer and is paralyzed. His paralysis depresses and hurt him, while a manic nurse and his smothering mother attempt to help him deal.
Then the monkeys. Well, it appears that a scientist has been injecting human brains into monkeys...or something. And somehow, these brains make the monkeys super smart and telepathic. So when our broken hero acquires this super-smart moneky to help him around the house, he forms a psychic connection with the it that, well, leads to some pretty gruesome murders.
While watching this movie, I never stopped laughing. The acting is fairly atrocious, though my props go to every actor who had to cuss out the monkey without cracking a grin. Four stars out of Four stars for entertaining me more than any intentional comedy ever could!
Waiting for Guffman (1996)
It's in my top 10
Unlike most inept comedies being made today, "Waiting for Guffman" is not funny because they fall down or pull constant gross-out gags. It's funny because the characters are so well defined and are so REAL that it's hard not to laugh at them because it appears that they are actually trying. This is a comedy the way comedies are meant to be: an uncensored look at the ridiculousness of life, unflinching and hilarious.
The Truman Show (1998)
Best film of 1998
The Truman show is an almost perfect example of filmmaking at its best. The performances (especially of funnyman Jim Carrey) are astounding and the plot is amazing. The Truman Show is the story of a man who lives in a perfect world. He soon realizes that this world is actually a painstakingly crafted set for a TV show inwhich he is the star. The film draws you in so much that the line begins to blur: are you the viewer of a simple film or one of the vouyers watching Truman's life? That is where the director really gets you. Watching this movie in a post-Survivor world makes a reality-show lover writhe in their chair as it paints a picture of the people who watch this show.
Cruel Intentions 2 (2000)
Like Chewing on Broken Glass
Cruel Intentions 2 is the kind of movie that makes a sado-masochist writhe with pleasure. The acting is atrocious, the script is horrendous, and the plot is so improbable it hurts. The story bumps along nonsensically and inserts softcore porn scenes whenever the film becomes too unbearable. The movie, though dismally stupid, can at least take comfort in the performances of Amy Adams and Mimi Rogers. It seems to me that these two are the only actors who realized what a steaming pile they were in and allowed themselves to ham it up accordingly. I have one final desperate plea to the makers of this film: please either give up filmmaking and pursue your destined careers (baggers at a supermarket), or find a worthwhile script and an unembarrasing director.
The Princess Bride (1987)
A Perfect 10
The Princess Bride is an enchanting film for any age. By wedding the traditional fairy tale format with a slightly modern tone, William Goldman has achieved a script that can touch just about anyone. The acting is great (and, at points, deliciously campy) and the directing is spot-on. This film is a must-see for anyone looking for a good time.
Batman (1966)
Same Bat-Fun
I watched this show all the time when I was younger so I was naturally drawn when I saw this box on the video store wall. I watched it and found the plot astounding (please remember: I was 8) and I thought it was a cinematic gem of the highest order.
When I was 15, perusing the videos at Wal-Mart, I saw the video on sale for $9.99 and I was met with a rush of memories. I laid down my wrinkled $10 and brought the video home. I watched it and realized my mistake from when I was younger: this film was not a dramatic wonder. Rather, it was a comedy so drenched in comedic irony and satire that it fairly glowed.
This movie is hilarious. Every moment is filled with some ludicrously stupid plot-point (SPOILER: Batman and Robin's lives are saved by a porpoise?!) or completely non-sensical dialogue (What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous? A sparrow with a machine gun, of course!). Yet through all of this, this film has managed to get a smile out of every person I've watched it with. the acting is beautifully straight-faced and everyone seems to have a load of fun camping it up.