neilhoyle-08464 Reviews

Trench 11 (2017)

Scheisse!

[5/10 · 11 November 2023]

This movie was pretty alright in my opinion.

Not somethin' I'd go and watch again but, perfect for late at night when you're getting ready for bed and just need something decent to watch. Felt like they could've done more with this but then again I wasn't expecting much, so it was a pleasant surprise to find that this was favorable.

The ending was a tad bit underwhelming only because I was hoping "the prophet" would at least have turned into some giant monster having that vial stabbed in his eye... you know... like a final boss battle sort of thing. Some of these reviews are a little harsh, if you're just lookin' for somethin' cool to pass the time I say give it a watch. It's really not that bad.

The Hoarder (2015)

Not worth your time

[3/10 · 19 October 2023]

This movie was far too easy for me to tune in and out of... hardly kept my interest at all. About 20 minutes in after our lead actress finds the stapled-mouth man in the storage unit, I asked myself "where could it really go from here?".

The only reason I watched this was because I was bored and curious as to what evil was lying within this storage unit, but now that I know... who cares why or how it happened? You've still got at least an hour after finding stapled-mouth man (Jeffrey) and personally I just didn't care enough about whatever would come after that, so the build up could've been a lot better. Sure enough it's the same old cat and mouse game where the killer just picks em' off... and don't even get me started with that ending. Surely not the worst movie I've seen but it definitely still sucked. The only positive I can give is that this movie seems to convey a deep message about having to be able to let things go, or else you'll find yourself in a whole "heap of trouble"... but I could've just read my Bible for that kinda message. 3 stars; not terrible but, not good. Go watch something else.

Crowsnest (2012)

It was alright I guess

[4/10 · 8 October 2023]

For a found footage film I personally thought this wasn't that bad. Are the characters super annoying throughout? Sure; but that's to be expected. The movie managed to keep me interested enough throughout and the acting wasn't terrible either.

The ending was a bit underwhelming but overall I found it to be a decent watch.

I'm not too good with gore these days, but most of the time I can tolerate it enough to push through without being mentally scarred; this movie was not one of those times. This was one of the more disturbing movies I've watched in a while, it's not saw/human centipede-core gore but it's just enough to leave you thinking about it for a couple days after. Here are some of the parts I'm talking about - Girl getting run over by the RV in the beginning and dying... (not really gore but very disturbing)

• severed foot
• decapitation
• "My hand fell off"

I watched this movie 2 nights ago and I can't seem to shake the thought of my hand falling off after being chopped up by cannibals... So if you're like me and are able to tolerate some level of gore, but don't enjoy testing your limits, you're gonna wanna cover your eyes through a lot of this.

Ultimately, you have a decent found footage movie with a typical plot of a group of obnoxious people getting hunted down by maniacs in the middle of nowhere; not much to it but, whatever. The people who gave this movie one star must not watch a lot of movies because I've seen stuff lately that is WAY worse than this... (talkin' to you Human Zoo) You can't expect too much from a found footage film, most of them are trash. Don't expect so much going into them and if they turn out okay you can come out pleasantly surprised.

This is the kinda movie you watch once and never again... something to pass the time at 1am when you can't sleep. All in all, this movie was actually okay in my opinion. "Okay" for me warrants a 4 star rating; wouldn't watch again but, yeah... not bad.

Human Zoo (2020)

Worst movie I've ever seen, ever.

[1/10 · 5 October 2023]

I finally made an IMDb account to share my feelings on this dumpster fire of a movie.

I watched this about a month ago and to say that it's the worst movie I've ever seen sounds like an exaggeration, but it's true. Since then I've intentionally been watching low budget, crappy movies to see if it gets any worse than this, and while I'm sure it does somewhere, I just haven't found it yet. This is literally the worst movie my 27 year old eyes have ever looked on.

The only interesting thing this movie had to offer was the guy who was having sex with his imaginary friend in the corner of the room, he was kinda funny to watch but it wasn't enough to save this movie from a one star. It's not so often a movie is so bad it makes me mad, often it's just boring but this was so bad that I'm actually still mad about it a month later. It's not even worth trying to recall all of the reasons why this movie was such a failure, I just wanted to express my profound hatred for this thing. Who would've thought Lizzie McGuires beloved father could produced something so terrible... not only did he make the worst movie I've ever seen but he has now ruined Lizzie McGuire for me. Thanks Robert Carradine, thanks a lot.

Spirit in the Woods (2014)

Absolutely horrible

[2/10 · 5 October 2023]

This is surely in the top 5 worst movies I've ever seen. The acting is atrocious and nothing happens... literally nothing. These college students walk through the woods and in the end they die, nothing interesting to it... that's it.

"Did you see that?!" Are you kidding me? We didn't see a damn thing the screen is pitch black. I knew this movie was going to be trash about a quarter of the way through but I stuck it out til' the end in hopes that something kinda cool would happen in the end... nope... nothing. They all get killed by... I don't know... I don't think anyone knows because they don't show us. This movie makes me want to go film my own found footage movie so I can send it to one of the people responsible for this and say "see?! It's not that hard!" I'm not a film maker, director, writer or anything like that but damn I could make a better film about my cat using the litter box than whatever the heck this was. Halfway through I remember thinking "it's like this movie just forgot what it was doing, forgot what it was trying to be..." Anyways, I'm rambling. Do yourself a favor and never watch this movie; if you did watch this movie, may the Lord Jesus Christ bless you and restore to you the time you wasted by doing so.

Neil out.

It Shall Not Be Named (2023)

Not the worst movie ever but damn it sucked.

[3/10 · 4 October 2023]

Just not a good movie. I'm not gonna get into every detail as to why this movie wasn't great but I will say... this movie was not great; I wouldn't even say it was good. The acting is terrible... the editing is... strange... I don't even know what to say. Wasted over an hour of my life watching a girl have nightmares about her witch roommate. I'm all for low budget films with crappy acting and this is actually somewhat watchable compared to other movies but damn, it sucked. Save yourself the frustration and watch something else... girl gets a roommate, roommates a witch, girl has nightmares about her being a witch, witch bangs the girl's boyfriend, witch and boyfriend sacrifice girl in the end and yeah... that's it. Actually sounds like a halfway decent plot on paper but this movie just ain't it. I'm going to bed.