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Reviews
Category 7: The End of the World (2005)
Tommy Tornado Terrorizes TV Twice
(I don't think I got any spoilers here because CBS already spoiled all the best parts by using them in the promos.) The only thing worse than a sequel on the big screen is a sequel on the small one, and here is Randy Quaid, who got killed off in 2004's "Category 6: Day of Destruction," back from the dead, reprising his performance as Tommy Tornado, or is it Tornado Tommy? CBS can't make up its mind. That's not all CBS couldn't make up it's mind about. Was this a disaster flick or a "chick flick" winding through a labyrinth of irrelevant tangled relationships? It was a lot more fun to look for the meteorological, historical, and geographical anachronisms. And for that, this film is so bad, it's good.
Dorothy tells Toto: "I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." The trouble is, I had a feeling we WERE in Kansas though the screen said "30 miles South of Detroit." Not only did it look to be the middle of a verdant wheat field it was obvious nobody bothered to check a map of MICHIGAN. 30 miles south of Detroit is well into Lake Erie, on the Canadian side! And then there was Tommy Tornado, from body cast and halo neck brace (injuries suffered in "6") to performing superhuman feats in a matter of hours.
For fans of the hokey disaster genre, this flick has it all: stupid white trailer park trash, corrupt televangelists (with thick southern accents, of course), corrupt bureaucrats, corrupt industrialists, the sexy progressive official, and lots of panicked screaming sheep (in human form). Oh, and toss in a news media herd in prime feeding frenzy.
Hey, but there was one thing I liked. The Midwest never gets whacked in all these catastrophilms; it's always New York, Washington, LA, Paris, getting flattened. Out here we feel so dissed to always be missed. But just a few minutes into "Category 7," George Washington's head tumbles off of Mt. Rushmore. Right here in South Dakota! (That's for you eastern types that get the Dakotas mixed up.) And the Mall of America in Minnesota gets mashed. It's about time our existence was recognized.
But, alas, then it was back to the East. Hope was fleeting.
You want to see a better catastrophe film, watch Randy Quaid's brother, Dennis, in "The Day After Tomorrow." You want to see a tornado scene that's really scary, watch "Wizard of Oz." Sorry Randy, but when part two of your mini-series plays, I think I'll be watching Dorothy instead.
Heartland (1989)
A vulgar Beverly Hillbillies on the Plains
Well, not really, for the Beverly Hillbillies, as silly as that sitcom was, actually had some good writing, good humor, and good acting. Shallow, silly, sophomoric? Perhaps. But not vulgar.
Heartland seemed simple a vehicle for some sicko screenwriter to unload his collection of crude manure jokes and bestiality innuendoes on the public. It lends credibility to my tendency to call sitcoms by a combination word that contains a synonym for manure and rhymes with sitcom. Get the picture?
I can't find the network info on IMDb but I think this was a CBS program. CBS is considering a "reality show" in which they plan to bring some residents of Appalachia to Los Angeles. Well, if if such schlock ever makes it onto the air, and the show treats rural people and themes anything close to the way they did it in Heartland, walk, don't run from the TV.
(I had forgotten the forgettable Heartland, but thought of it when I heard of the possibility of the new CBS show.)