Two rival bowling teams(how bored are these people?) made up of a cast of very unlikable and unattractive actors, who i think, are actually younger but look like they're mid-30's. The 2 two teams are like good vs bad but on the whole most of the characters are hugely unlikeable....although the bad guys are the worst of the lot...in the acting and the looks department...after a while they began to grate on me and it became an annoyance and a distraction because i just wanted them off my screen but it takes a while for them to be dispatched...although when they are offed i found it immensely gratifying and i was thankful i'd never have to see these terrible characters ever again. When the opening 'horror' occurs we have just been treated to a close up shot of the rape victims vagina...now this character is wearing a skirt that is about 5-6 inches in length and has no problem with bending fore-ward and showing the entire bowl-a-rama her front bottom.....this confused me because it didn't help me to sympathise with her character when she is violently raped...yes i found it sickening and brutal but i didn't really sympathise with the girl who readily shows her muff to anyone, regardless to whether they want to see it or not...so it begged the question why the director chose to have her knicker-less...to me the scene would have been more shocking if her character had been easier to relate to....most women don't show their muff to all and sundry....so to me i found it hard to actually care about her character..i just wanted the scene over. Once the scene is over the carnage commences. What carnage their is is well executed and sometimes made me wince and want to cover my eyes....although some of the scenes just didn't do anything for me...the sex=death scene where a cheap slapper(and i mean it..this girl really looks like they dragged her in off a street corner somewhere) and one of the 'good' guys have sex and die during, it's not convincing and looks cheap and naff....in fact none of the sex in this movie is believable or sexy...it just looks like sloppy, nervous encounters between desperate actors...and willies pop up everywhere...but they're very small...and the women are not sexy at all and mostly look like crack whores...except the final 'goth' type girl who seemed to be the best out of a bad lot. Some of the other characters are badly written and badly played...for example the drag queen...they seemed to be making fun out the whole subject and making the least bit of effort into making it believable. The dialogue, combined with the terrible acting is sometimes annoying...the use of the 'f' word became grating and most of the movie is made up of the words f**k, c**t, f*g, b*itch...it really does become tedious after a while.....and some parts are downright pathetic...like when the meanest guy find his dead friend's headless body he asked "where the f*ck is you're head?".... This movie is a good enough attempt but was a huge let-down...some memorable gore scenes bring it up a notch...but the cast(especially the means guys) and the script take it down. Oh and the bowling bag thing on the killers head was silly and completely non-threatening and ruined what could have been a scary aspect of the movie.
Reviews
8 Reviews
Killer Workout
(1987)
Oh dear....
11 May 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Big hair, big boobs, bad music and a giant safety pin.......these are the words to best describe this terrible movie. I love cheesy horror movies and i've seen hundreds..but this had got to be on of the worst ever made. The plot is paper thin and ridiculous, the acting is an abomination, the script is completely laughable(the best is the end showdown with the cop and how he worked out who the killer is-it's just so damn terribly written), the clothes are sickening and funny in equal measures, the hair is big, lots of boobs bounce, men wear those cut tee-shirts that show off their stomachs(sickening that men actually wore them!!) and the music is just synthesiser trash that plays over and over again...in almost every scene there is trashy music, boobs and paramedics taking away bodies....and the gym still doesn't close for bereavement!! All joking aside this is a truly bad film whose only charm is to look back on the disaster that was the 80's and have a good old laugh at how bad everything was back then.
The Lodge
(2008)
Another bad film with 'The' in the title....
2 May 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Average looking woman goes to a Lodge with below-average looking boyfriend, presumably to have sex. For the next hour we see the couple have sex, talk about sex and wonder about the lone man who they're sharing the lodge with. The lone man then proceeds to do weird 'sickening' acts such as smelling the average looking woman's knickers. Were then treated to yet another 'lets tie the woman up and torment her' type of scenarios....we also have not so shocking 'could this be incest' moments when the lone man suddenly has a daughter type tagging along to help him in his deeds. The film seems to go nowhere and has no tension at all.....there is no real category for this film...it's not thrilling, it's not scary, it has no gore and the ending is just as bad as the rest of the film. This is one of those boring, long-winded films that pretends to be a shocker but fails to deliver on every count. Avoid at all costs.
Five Across the Eyes
(2006)
A real slap in the face!!
1 May 2008
Warning: Spoilers
MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS...BUT DOUBT IT CAN ACTUALLY BE SPOILT!!.
Five Across The Eyes can be summed up in one word....Amateurish. This film tries it's best to be different from most films by the 'Blair Witch' type of filming....it doesn't work....it just ends up looking and feeling like somebody had a cheap video camera, a van and decided to make a movie. The story has no explanation, the protagonist is given no real motivation (and looks like a lesbian wearing a power-suit compared to the five girls) and there is no violence to speak of...just the sounds of screaming and crunching. The whole film takes place inside a van which means decent scenery is out of the question. The five girls really do their best with what they've been given but on the whole come across as pretty terrible actresses...although with the material given it's hard to judge if they can actually aCt....they spend THE WHOLE movie screaming, squealing and whimpering....so much that half the time it's hard to make out what was said and the cameras are so bad it's actually hard to tell who said it. This video paints itself as a violent torture film but is in fact just five girls in a van screaming in terror...that literally sums up the whole movie.....we then get to the end after what seems like 5 hours of constant screaming and all five girls are still alive... with one minus a finger. The only thumbs up(get it...finger....LOL) is for the poor actresses who tried hard and probably lost their voices(and their pride) after making this terrible movie. Do not judge this by the poster....you'll be very let down.
Five Across The Eyes can be summed up in one word....Amateurish. This film tries it's best to be different from most films by the 'Blair Witch' type of filming....it doesn't work....it just ends up looking and feeling like somebody had a cheap video camera, a van and decided to make a movie. The story has no explanation, the protagonist is given no real motivation (and looks like a lesbian wearing a power-suit compared to the five girls) and there is no violence to speak of...just the sounds of screaming and crunching. The whole film takes place inside a van which means decent scenery is out of the question. The five girls really do their best with what they've been given but on the whole come across as pretty terrible actresses...although with the material given it's hard to judge if they can actually aCt....they spend THE WHOLE movie screaming, squealing and whimpering....so much that half the time it's hard to make out what was said and the cameras are so bad it's actually hard to tell who said it. This video paints itself as a violent torture film but is in fact just five girls in a van screaming in terror...that literally sums up the whole movie.....we then get to the end after what seems like 5 hours of constant screaming and all five girls are still alive... with one minus a finger. The only thumbs up(get it...finger....LOL) is for the poor actresses who tried hard and probably lost their voices(and their pride) after making this terrible movie. Do not judge this by the poster....you'll be very let down.
Murder-Set-Pieces
(2004)
YAAAAAWWWWNNN!!!...oops sorry for shouting!!
24 March 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Well i've sat through some garbage in my time but this one takes the biscuit. Firstly this is described as being one of the most shocking films of all time...enough to get it banned in a lot of places....in reality the worst thing in the movie is not the violence...sure it comes across as violent but really it's just a few slit throats and gallons and gallons of corn syrup splashed over everything in view....the plot is simple.....German man has sex with women and then kills them....that's the plot....yet don't get excited because the director doesn't even get that right. Between the murders we are greeted to many flashes of ego-boosting exercise scenes and the fakest looking sex faces i've seen in a long time....the director obviously liked looking at naked women covered in blood and screaming in terror because that's all the film is...in fact it begs the question why the main guy never shows his penis...if the woman can be butt naked then why can't the man?....easy...because the director is probably a fat pervert who doesn't want to be reminded of how little his own penis is...this film was probably the best sexual thrill he's ever had...throw in some German Hitler mumbo jumbo old news(get over it already) and there you have it...film done. The guy in the lead role fails to deliver any kind of convincing performance...he's easily one of the worst actors around...no wonder his IMDb film list isn't so long......so if you're a fat pervert whose only thrill is to see naked women tied up and gallons of red syrup poured over them all the while screaming for help then this is the film for you...for those who like a plot, half decent acting and gore look elsewhere!!
Wrestlemaniac
(2006)
Wrestling just got even deadlier!
8 March 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Well what can i say about this one....for a start the story is original i'll give it that...but it has to be one of the daftest ideas the horror genre has ever seen....it's kinda like 'WWF' meets 'Leatherface' with 'Hatchet' sprinkles....a winning formula i hear you cry.....well not quite. Instead were treated to some really quite dire overacting..with the lead male(the porn director)being the worst culprit, completely bad dialogue and a runtime of 75 minutes that still manages to feel like 2 hours. Once the film gets going the director does manage a few moments of (dare i say it) tension and seems to be trying to make the film stylish but overall it doesn't really work...but hats off for trying. What gore there was was handled not too badly but was far too sparse for a film with the word 'maniac' in it. Although the characters are annoying at first i found myself rooting for them at some points yet by the end all the rooting in the world won't make any difference. The end leaves it open for a sequel and if there is one i'll expect a marked improvement on this one. Not bad for a bit of fun but it's more bad than it is good.
Buried Alive
(2007)
Dimension Extreme???..........without the extreme!!
7 March 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Why am i even wasting minutes of my life writing this after already wasting over an hour of it watching this rubbish. Being a lover of all things gory and slashy i was excited to see this after reading about it in Fangoria(yes it's still going!!)...but alas i was hugely disappointed....and that's putting it mildly. I won't bore you with any of the story because quite frankly it doesn't really have one...in fact the plot is so thin that i found myself actually staring through the t.v and longing for the storyline to kick in.....i got to the end and it never did kick in.
Apart from the lack of a story..this film has terrible acting.....the two main guys are by far the worst and the leading lady isn't up to much either. What this film does have is pointless female nudity that seems to be there for no aparant reason except to give the director some nubile young bodies to leer over....i actually found myself feeling sorry for the two girls forced to strip at every opportunity...i bet after shooting they felt dead inside....but kudos to 'the cow' and 'the dog' for being the only half decent characters in this mess....even 'that guy from Saw' seemed ashamed to be in it. Another major criticism is for the 'effects'...oh my god....i've often rewound a 'death scene' because of it's coolness but very rarely is it to say..."did they actually just do that....did they actually just insult every person who will ever watch this film by allowing that scene to be included?"....some of the deaths are so badly done that it's hard to imagine they were in a film released this century..absolutely no care or detail...just stupid cgi fake looking kills that are over in the blink of an eye...i was left jawdropped....but not in a good way. Which begs the question why this film carries the Dimension Extreme tag....if 'extreme' stands for extremely devoid of any actually horror then it's suitably fitting....maybe the 'extreme' comes for the porno-like aspect to the ways the girls are paraded. Shame on you Dimension....we've come to expect better.
Apart from the lack of a story..this film has terrible acting.....the two main guys are by far the worst and the leading lady isn't up to much either. What this film does have is pointless female nudity that seems to be there for no aparant reason except to give the director some nubile young bodies to leer over....i actually found myself feeling sorry for the two girls forced to strip at every opportunity...i bet after shooting they felt dead inside....but kudos to 'the cow' and 'the dog' for being the only half decent characters in this mess....even 'that guy from Saw' seemed ashamed to be in it. Another major criticism is for the 'effects'...oh my god....i've often rewound a 'death scene' because of it's coolness but very rarely is it to say..."did they actually just do that....did they actually just insult every person who will ever watch this film by allowing that scene to be included?"....some of the deaths are so badly done that it's hard to imagine they were in a film released this century..absolutely no care or detail...just stupid cgi fake looking kills that are over in the blink of an eye...i was left jawdropped....but not in a good way. Which begs the question why this film carries the Dimension Extreme tag....if 'extreme' stands for extremely devoid of any actually horror then it's suitably fitting....maybe the 'extreme' comes for the porno-like aspect to the ways the girls are paraded. Shame on you Dimension....we've come to expect better.
The Delinquents
(1989)
1950's love story starring a capable Kylie..
14 November 2007
Warning: Spoilers
MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS Back in 1989 Kylie Minogue had only been a pop star for just over a year...although to me she had already been around for years because i idolised her. So it was really exciting for me, as a fan to see a whole film featuring my favourite girl Kylie.
This is a very simple story of forbidden love in a world where no one seems to care, our 2 lovebirds encounter many obstacles in their pursuit to simply 'be together' and it is that that gives the film it's most romantic elements. Along the way we see the lovebirds mature and change as characters and watch how they unravel whenever they are kept apart. Both come from broken homes and seem lost and in search of love making the viewer root for them and hope for a happy ending. ...some would call the film long-winded and a bit boring but if you want to watch a film without all the twists and turns and silly Hollywood glitz then check it out. This is a film that tries it's best to create a real love story and for that i think it deserves a bit of praise....and Kylie really puts her heart and soul into bringing Lola to life and i think she pulls it off extremely well and at times she nails it to perfection. A fine effort all round.
This is a very simple story of forbidden love in a world where no one seems to care, our 2 lovebirds encounter many obstacles in their pursuit to simply 'be together' and it is that that gives the film it's most romantic elements. Along the way we see the lovebirds mature and change as characters and watch how they unravel whenever they are kept apart. Both come from broken homes and seem lost and in search of love making the viewer root for them and hope for a happy ending. ...some would call the film long-winded and a bit boring but if you want to watch a film without all the twists and turns and silly Hollywood glitz then check it out. This is a film that tries it's best to create a real love story and for that i think it deserves a bit of praise....and Kylie really puts her heart and soul into bringing Lola to life and i think she pulls it off extremely well and at times she nails it to perfection. A fine effort all round.
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