teelidi Reviews

Monster High: The Movie (2022 TV Movie)

Karen-friendly reboot.

[2/10 · 4 December 2022]

The story/plot twist wasn't bad so that's not what I'm reviewing about. This will be my only pro out of many cons. I'm reviewing because the "creative decisions" ticked me off.

Monster High: The Movie and its G3 release is a watered-down remake made to appease the most lenient of Karens. There's no "Be unique, be a monster" anymore. G3's motto is: "Be like all the other dolls that'll get skimmed over on the shelves, be a corporate brownie point monster." Sums it up pretty well if you ask me. Whose "bright" and "creative" idea at Mattel was it to reduce G1's nationally-diverse monsters into giving these G3 MONSTERS racially token-azz Burger King Kids Club-azz explicitly human races? They really rubbed their last 2 braincells on that one!

THEY'RE MONSTERS LIVING IN A PARALLEL WORLD WITH RAINBOW SKIN.

And to talk about Frankie for a bit, when you look at how this character was represented in the movie it's 100% queerbait. Why bother making an established female character NB if the only thing mentioned about it are two scenes reminding everyone what their/her pronouns are. If those scenes were to be removed and nothing about the character has changed, then the representation was never genuine. This "creative decision" was just made to stay hip with the kids. Nothing more. How Illegitimate and performative this reboot is! G1 was already creatively diverse enough for a world full of monsters.

I guess the question us reviewers are asking is: 'Who, in the HELL designed these costumes?' and we're not asking because they're good.

I feel that the actors didn't really look like the character they're supposed to play face structure-wise, Especially Abby, I'm sorry. (I am not putting fault on the actors that were chosen, just the casting directors) They all look like a bunch of people dressed up for Halloween or cosplaying, and even I've seen random cosplayers on Pinterest who look like the characters stepped into our world, not to mention the Monster High episode on Face Off.

Anastasia: Once Upon a Time (2020)

A historically inaccurate 80's fluff eye roller

[2/10 · 2 December 2022]

Bright spots: The set designs of the castle and subtle details to make the 80's look like the 80's, down to the cars in the background. Also a bit of heart. Even through laughable when acted.

Now for the rest.

Very historically inaccurate as reviewers say. Why take the tragedy of the Romanov family and turn it into a girly movie for preteens? Those two don't mix very well I don't think. On top of that Rasputin was made into a magician, and some evil enchantress was the one behind this historical event.

This would've been better if the monarchy and the country they came from was made fictional instead. About the portal-Why does it take her to America instead of outside of the castle like in the last few minutes of the film? This is never explained. Like was there an accident? Were two international portals made as a way to migrate? And if so, why in that specific area?

You would expect someone in power like Annie and Rasputin to have education and know what behavior is acceptable, but in this movie, they're so uncharacteristically stupid, as if they're from another planet. (Like, you don't know what spaghetti is or the swings are? Tf?) Especially Rasputin. He acts like an idiotic neanderthal.

There are plot points/characters that barely go anywhere. It's just a series of loosely-connected events or filler that doesn't add anything, especially during the mall scene. Hire the singer, Bliss was introduced and how she interacted with our two leads kinda made her look like a promising side character. But she's never seen again. The whole concert could've easily been cut out if Bliss wasn't going to make her somewhat connected to the story.

To end, I found the story to be pretty bland and boringly generic. The attempts at humor isn't very good.

Nitpicks: -Why tf did that orphan girl (who sound like she's ten but looks four) sing out of nowhere?

-Something about Anastasia's dress makes it look like a straight-up costume.

A Mermaid's Tale (2017)

An okay film for your pre-teen to watch, but is generic

[4/10 · 5 October 2022]

The story follows 12-year-old Ryan moving into her grandfather's house in Santa Carla with her dad. Later while on the lower docks, she drops her locket, containing a picture of her deceased mother in the water. A mermaid named Coral (how original) finds it, and gives it back to Ryan the next day and become friends. Cue the usual fish-out-of-water trope.

Now I'll say "A Mermaid's Tale" isn't a horrible kids film, it just mediocre in production and bland in its storytelling. First off, the pacing dragged, making the movie longer that it should have been. The first HOUR has anything barely going on and anything that did should've been wrapped up in about the 20-30 minute mark. The second the imminent love interest for Coral was introduced I knew where this was heading...and the relationship barely lead anywhere except for a small "where are they now" segment in the end narrated by Ryan of the two walking on the beach. I feel like the conflict between the mermaids and humans should've been pressed more within that hour. The conflict in this film happens around in last 20 minutes... The underwater green screen was so ridiculous, but the green screen done on the mermaid cave (that they've probably pulled off of Google Images) was even worse that you could still see the green. Also, I'm sorry, but they dressed the mermaids like they stepped right out of Woodstock. (Are we sure these women aren't hippies who got lost out at sea and somehow were blessed with the powers of the Mer and decide to live out the rest of their days on an island? I mean...I'd watch that) But anyway, how did Coral, her grandmother being the mermaid QUEEN, not know the consequences of showing a human their world or else they'll be doomed to eternal entrapment? Was this the plan, a lure all along? (I mean, it's dark and different and relates to mermaid lore! I'd watch that too!) Also, Give up your locket with a picture of your mother for someone you just met? Damn.

But to close off on the positives, the acting was alright and passable. I can tell there has been some effort to make this movie, even if the effects weren't good or the story not making a big enough impact.

The Munsters (2022)

Stupid fun, but definitely not a 10.

[6/10 · 30 September 2022]

God this movie felt 5 hours long. I appreciate this movie for not being a CGI and greenscreen-hellscape and actually putting in the effort to building real sets and prosthetics, actually making the environments look real around the characters. That's rare to see in most movies now, even if it can look cheap at times.

As for the cinematic choices, I did personally enjoy the overly campy cinematography because it's just so rare and fun to see. Not so much the transitions though, it just threw me off. I also thought the green and purple lighting didn't make sense because well, It's obviously an aesthetic choice that I think could've been more subtle, not random lights seemingly for a cheap, Halloween party look. The directing made the characters act like they're in a highschool play--you couldn't really tell what was an emotional moment or not with the actors being directed to act like clowns most of the time.

The story itself barely could focus on one thing from the three plot threads, where they all came to an unsatisfying conclusion. Like, what happened to the Mad Scientist character, we never see him again. Why was the Munsters move to America in the last few minutes of the film when that could've been a good main focus?

But overall the many flaws of The Munsters 2022, I had fun with it.