TheDrizzle77 Reviews

Satisfaction (1988)

WARNING: This Movie May Cause Paralysis, Nose Bleeds and Suicidal Thoughts

[1/10 · 17 August 2009]

I was pretty sure, when I saw that Liam, Julia and Justine Bateman in a movie together, it was going to be somewhat decent. Well much to my chagrin. This movie was like a two way portal, ala some violent mirror in which I saw myself poking my eyes out with icepicks through the television screen to stop the pain.

Justine was just awful at singing, the Benny Hill, fast forward scene at the beach just made me cringe from head to toe and every concert scene was just.....well, can you guess the remorseful, disgusting feelings I have towards this movie.

I sat through this, I climbed this treacherous journey from the base camp to the pinnacle on a mountain from hell, so you don't have too. Take it from me, and where I came from. This movie will make you feel like a new asshole. It will give you a disease you never know existed. Please resist and refrain from watching this movie. I BEG YOU ALL.

Jumper (2008)

This Could've Been Special

[4/10 · 21 April 2009]

This is a movie that reminded me of doing homework at the last minute. You want a good grade, but you need to hurry, so you go as fast as you can and make it as short as you can. Enter Jumper. I guess the people behind this piece had a busy schedule, so they wrapped up a great plot with solid actors and sped us through a million different things in a near hour and a half. Right when you fall in love with a character, or sink your teeth into a plot line, or try and figure out why this happened, BOOM, you are off to an entirely different scene and what happened before, is almost always, never mentioned again.

Like I said, this was a great plot with legit actors, but it's a movie meant for the pro-high speed train addicts, the (former) Concorde fliers. People that LOOOVE moving fast will looove Jumper. You're in and out (*NO PUN INTENDED*)

Glitter (2001)

Warning: Brain Detachment Necessary While Watching This

[4 May 2008]

If you are into whip-its, sniffing rubber cement and spinning around in circles till you fall over, then this movie is for YOU! It felt like I was on a legal acid-trip when I watched this amazing piece of work. It's like when they made this, they were going for the worst movie ever created. And ohh my God how they have succeeded.

Now Mariah Carey is banging hot and has a very angelic voice, but her acting skills are that of Dennis Rodman, Anna Nicole Smith and Mickey Rourke all rolled into one. She made me throw up in my mouth a couple times, and the rest of the movie I practiced small things such as tying my shoes, combing my hair and carrying on a complete sentence. After all, one hour of this flick will have you forgetting your basic motor skills and common knowledge.

And you want a rating for this movie?? Let me just say that it is so bad, if you die and end up in hell, watching this movie for all eternity is one of the most severe punishments you can face. Only the most ruthless of vile animals get this terrible punishment.

So like I said, if you like to stick your in the stove while it's on 360 degrees, bathing with your appliances, slapping yourself silly with a large salmon and spending your entire rent/mortgage savings on a pair of Gucci shoes, then this movie is for YOU!

The Treasure of Jamaica Reef (1974)

Your Unborn Kids Won't Forgive You

[4 May 2008]

I cannot even give this a one because it would be too high of a rating. For the exception of some serious Cheryl Ladd boobage, this thing was quite possibly the worst film ever made, and the directors/writers should be completely and utterely embarrassed. Make sure if you watch this, you have no sharp objects, a tie or rope, or a big bowl of water, because you will want to hang, drown and stab yourself to try and ease the pain of watching this.

Quite literally you could sit and stare at a wall, and that wall would tell a better story than what this movie will do for you. You can't even use your imagination because by watching this, your mind is completely dormant and you will have no thought process until you manage to summon the remote to change the channel.

Your feelings will be hurt, your kids will hate you, your friends will never speak to you again and your wife or husband will leave you for somebody else if you are caught watching this "masterpiece." Do yourself a favor and please don't watch this incredible piece of crap. It is the equivalent of going to the strip club only to watch the DJ, to try and nail jello at the wall, to pick up women at the bar with a coors cutter (non-alcoholic) beer in your hand. None of it makes sense and neither does this movie. SAVE YOURSELF!!!!