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Hellraiser (2022)
Meh raiser
Arguably the most boring of all the hellraiser films, this entirely pointless reboot does away with the inescapable feeling of disgust and unease and dark humour of the original hellraiser and its immediate sequel, instead replacing them with a bland, vanilla, uninspired movie. The effects are awful, the story lacks any compelling characters whatsoever (god this needed a Frank so badly), the cenobites look rubbery and comical . It's about as menacing as the video for "Sexy No No No" by Girls Aloud and far less entertaining.
I'm sure there's got to be a decent modern version of hellraiser someone could concoct, but this is not it. David S Goyer manages to fit a skybeam into this script. It's bad. Overall, this adds nothing to the franchise, in fact it's the worst of the franchise in one package; without a compelling human story for the cenobites to be invited into, it devolves into a toothless slasher by numbers. Its just a big yawn of a film lacking even the inventive gore of the originals.
2/10, and it only gets the 2 instead of 1 because I usually like Jamie Clayton in other stuff and she deserves better.
The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (2022)
Excellent reinterpretation
First off, I get it, this is not a show aimed squarely at Tolkien fans who obsess over every element of the LotR appendices and the Silmarillion (more power to those people btw, I'm not one of them but I know several). Instead what we have is a reinterpretation or an abstraction of the events of the second age presented in a style more reminiscent of Jackson than Tolkien, and while that might turn some viewers off (others may be turned off by the slooowwww start) I think the series is all the better for it.
What starts off as a slow, meandering (though visually stunning) story with too many scenes of nothing happening (presumably to establish the world but really, those early episodes are a bit of a drag) becomes quite brilliant about the time a certain event (no spoilers here) happens, and from then on the show really find it's footing so to speak.
What's bad?
The "mystery" of the identity of the stranger, pretty sure everyone knew who they are (although the bait and switch I the season 1 finale was fun).
The Harfoots take FOREVER to actually DO anything, which wouldn't be a problem if this was a show about hanging out with the harfoots (Brilliant performance in particular by Lenny Henry) but their story early on slows thr whole show down.
Basically pacing early on, though byvthe time everything kicks off it's forgivable.
What's good?
The show looks amazing. It makes House of the Dragon look cheap and miserable by comparison. It makes Peter Jacksons Lotr movies look dated. It makes The Hobbit movies look like an amateur school production. It makes marvel movies look like bad comic books. Seriously, this show is Beautiful.
Performances all round in my opinion. While some relationships seem a bit rushed, I get it, story needs to happen but as a whole everyone is giving it 100% even while spouting nonsense Tolkien dialogue.
Action scenes? Incredible. No surfing on trolls and backflipping rubbish here, action scenes are grounded, breathtaking, gritty and violent.
All in all, left me wanting more.
Samantha's Sexy Summer (2006)
Zero plot but that doesn't matter
Honestly, no idea what the plot was supposed to be, but a group of very sexy people spend 80 minutes being naked and having sex with each other in the sunshine under the pretence of... meeting up and failing to do so?
There might be somewhere in the region of about 2 minutes of dialogue linking the sex scenes and stringing the plot together, and even those are conducted by nude actors. Tabitha Stevens and Frankie Dashwood pull double duty as two different characters, which means that they are involved in almost every sex scene. Whether this was due to budget/cast constraints or Francis Locke made a decision to go full Lynch is unclear, but kudos to him for it.
Tabitha Stevens looks incredible, her naked body has never looked better and rarely been so gratuitously on display. Frankie Dashwood is incredibly sexy, and the combination of the two in the frequent, lengthy sex scenes. For the genre of softcore nude movies, it's everything you want, and more creators should take note of Lockes willingness to abandon plot, dialogue and clothes in favor of constant nudity and sex in their movies.
Prey (2022)
Second best Predator movie
First off, the reviews section is full of guys complaining that it took "A fully trained heavily armed team of blah blah" to kill the Predator in John McTiernans original, which makes me wonder if they've seen it recently or at all because that heavily armed, highly trained team get wiped like snot. The point is that big Arnie has to learn to use the environment and true basics to defeat the Predator, not miniguns and grenade launchers. Secondly, this Predator isn't as advanced as the original. Thirdly, Amber Midthunder is a bad ass, anyone who has seen her as Kerry loudermilk in legion knows this. Hopefully this film will reignite some interest in a franchise that had fallen on its butt since Predator 2 (which I assume those complaining about Wokeness probably had a problem with too, right?). A damn solid effort.
Hotties Hide Out (2006)
Constant nudity
Five students, after streaking at a political rally, lose their back-up clothes and hide out in an abandoned apartment. That's the entire plot. It's almost staged like a play, with a single location and characters entering and exiting per scene. Every actor and actress in this movie are naked at all times, even during the short, comical dialogue exchanges which interlink the multiple sex scenes.
For a softcore sex movie, this is almost perfect; at no point in the movies brief runtime is there not nudity or sex on screen. Sex scenes are lengthy and often surprisingly graphic. Would have been a ten star rating but for the missed opportunity for an ensemble group sex scene. If you're looking for a skin movie you won't find much better, and you won't have to spend your time flicking through to the good parts.
The Model Solution (2002)
Good genre effort
7/10 rating for the genre, would be lower as a general review but as a softcore drama is ticks many of the boxes, frequent and gratuitous nudity and sex featuring lots of very attractive people. Plot is paper thin but you don't really care about that. Unrated version recommended which has more graphic nudity.
Mr. Robot (2015)
One of the Greatest TV series ever made
Spoiler free review: Mr Robot is legitimately brilliant. Rarely have I seen a show which so perfectly works its arc through from start to finish and demands to be re-watched within a new context. Far more than what you might consider to be a show about hackers. Dynamite performances throughout, some of the best writing/directing to grace the screen and a thoroughly satisfying conclusion. Cannot rate this series highly enough.
The Sandman (2022)
Worst season of Doctor Who yet
Maybe it gets better after 3 episodes but I gave up. The titular character is so self serious while moping his way through a bunch of bad cgi monsters I guess are meant to be cute, and supported by what seem to the the cast of every bbc drama from the last 20 years shrugging their way through a meandering plot. Also, Dune-era David Lynch called and said to chill out with the voice-over narration. I had heard the comics are great but maybe just doesn't translate well to the screen.
The only positive is that it appears to have also annoyed the types of people who use "woke" as a pejorative.
Paper Girls (2022)
Brilliant
This show is great, absolutely bananas from top to bottom, and the young cast are fantastic. Does what a good adaptation should, it expands on the source material and translates the comic very well to the screen. Hoping for a season 2.