alpacary Reviews

Seamus Heaney: The Music Of What Happens (2019 TV Movie)

In Depth

[10/10 · 16 January 2022]

If you knew nothing about Seamus Heaney and wanted to know more about his poetry (like me) then this documentary is for you. It recites a ton of his poems and goes in detail about what events influenced them and had plenty of interviews with his family as well. My only complaint is that I wish it had subtitles because I can't understand Irish accents well.

The entire documentary is free on YouTube under the title "Seamus Heaney".

Scott the Woz: Borderline Forever (2021) Season 5, Episode 5

Best Tv (Or Channel?) movie ever

[10/10 · 1 September 2021]

Scott the Woz is one of the most innovative gaming channels out there, most notably innovative for being the first gaming channel with actually funny skits in between game commentary. Sadly, I only recently got into his videos but I guess that's more of a blessing because I still have so much of his content to watch.

He honestly hit it out of the park with this hour long musical comedy, seeing him having directing, writing, and of course starring credits really is a testament to his talent. Sure the production is low budget (It's a youtube movie for god's sake) but it plays the jokes play well with the campy self-awareness.

The performances are unironically very good for the type of humor the film brings across, blending well with the self-aware tone.

The plot is so ridiculous it's near impossible to describe, but basically Scott discovers that there is a blue border around him and he and his friends try to stop it from destroying the world.

Now I'm not even that into gaming and this was a blast. I would like to see a professional film critic review it, they probably wouldn't get it. It was a movie made for the fans jam packed with references to other videos Scott's made.

Your experience with it can be summed up as basically "You're a fan or not." I'm happy to be one of the former.

The Tomorrow War (2021)

Not as bad as I thought, but still bad

[5/10 · 13 August 2021]

I say the second half of the movie is very fun and entertaining, even with the plot holes. The performances are forgettable apart from J. K. Simmons. I don't really care for Pratt's "Lovable Idiot" performance.

Tooth Fairy 2 (2012 Video)

Conspiracy? :O

[10/10 · 12 August 2021]

Now keep in mind I hate LArry the Cable guy but watching this movie I noticed that if you start "Kidz Bop 17" 21 1/2 minutes in it will eerily sink up.

SpongeBob SquarePants: The Incredible Shrinking Sponge/Sportz? (2017) Season 10, Episode 8

A 7.8? This is the worst episode ever!

[1/10 · 11 August 2021]

Most Spongebob episodes nowadays are mediocre at best- but this one is just so vile and disgusting it feels like it was written by James Wan. The episode consists of Squidward torturing Spongebob and Patrick by making them play dangerous games with sports equipment that they find outside. That's it. Squidward mutilates them (and I do mean "mutilates") for 10 minutes and Sandy gets revenge on Squidward for one. It is so extremely disturbing I do not know how it could receive a 7.8 rating. I guess these people wanted "Spongebob Saw" and it delivered.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Stop pretending everyone.

[6/10 · 4 August 2021]

The film is a disappointment, It is the "Quantum of Solace" of Nolan's trilogy. It has great performances, especially from Anne Hathaway as catwoman but the writing lacked the depth of Nolan's previous batman movies. The side characters don't even really feel like they're "there" apart from catwoman but the movie is still a spectacle and had some good surprises. The worst part of the movie though is that I CANNOT HEAR A SINGLE THING BANE SAYS. I watched this with surround sound and couldn't make out half of his lines. Not to mention there isn't much to Hardy's "bada$$ tough guy" performance, all he does the entire movie is snap necks and show off his muscles. Such a sad ending to a 2/3 perfect trilogy.

Attack of the Pillsbury Doughboy (1976)

Where is it?

[23 July 2021]

Attack of the helping hand is available easily on youtube but all I could find of this short was 21 seconds. It's a shame. I was really hyped to see this one.

Woyzeck (2017)

Whatever

[1/10 · 5 July 2021]

This is a twelve minute long adaptation of the famous unfinished play. Watch Werner Herzog's version instead because this one is nothing and doesn't mean anything.

Sean Chandler Talks About: Top 20 Highest Grossing Sylvester Stallone Films Ranked (2019) Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

Heh?

[2/10 · 5 July 2021]

This is just what it says it is, and it deserves to exist just as much as an ant.

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

No Happy Gilmore, but well worth a watch.

[6/10 · 5 July 2021]

I do think this movie is hilarious quite a few times, particularly ben stiller, his character is so hilariously self-centered and all of his jokes are on him so he never gets annoying. But the story is about what you would expect, guy needs money, has to play a sport with his crazy friends to earn money. But it's clever enough to subvert *most of it's cliches, though there are a couple that are quite eye-roll worthy. Also that scene with the dodgeball team of stereotyped Japanese people in diapers who call themselves the "Kamikazes" is extremely unsettling and I expected better from this movie. But believe me, there are some very claver laughs in this movie and its worth looking for those roses in the dandelion and occasionally manure field.

Benny Loves You (2019)

Up with Bad Taste

[8/10 · 5 July 2021]

Ok, this comedy really is more a 7, but looking at the rating this has, it makes me want to cry. This film is so much more than your average wannabe b-grade horror comedy. There is some real creativity in how benny attacks people, you're always on the edge of your seat wondering what crazy get-up benny will be in now, and when it is shockingly revealed you will laugh and then scream in horror at the evil dead-style gore. It's a shame to see such a hilarious well-made movie be undermined by other reviewers here, but please believe me, this one is good. Also, check out New Zealand's "Black Sheep" it was also rated undeservedly low here on IMDB and has everything this movie does.

Soda Drinker Pro (2016 Video Game)

A fun joke, but jokes should be free

[4/10 · 1 July 2021]

I do love silly games like this, they are always a short but sweet treat. But this game cost 10$ to purchase. Now answer me this, would you rather spend 10$ on a game that should be on newgrounds, or just go on newgrounds?

The Green Mile (1999)

I know no one will read this, but I felt like saying it anyway

[6/10 · 29 June 2021]

I entirely understand the praise this film has attained, even King himself called it his favorite adaptation of one of his books. And as a massive fan of the book... I disagree. Now I love the films cast, don't get me wrong, they play their roles to perfection and they really feel like they do in the book. But that barely saves this film due mainly to Darabont's clumsy, wannabe writing. It is true that a majority of the film uses dialogue from the book, but it doesn't always transfer smoothly and most of the best lines from the book are given to Paul Edgecombe which makes some of the side characters feel more like forgettable cliched characters when they were so fleshed out in the book, although the emotional scenes still got to me and were well executed so kudos for that. But had you not read the book, none of these problems would've been noticed and you would find it as incredible as everyone else on this site, which is just fine. The one thing you may notice though, is the drag. For a 3 hour adaptation it left a surprising lot of content from the book out, especially the sub-plot with old Edgecombe going through memories of his life after John Coffey which was a masterpiece that could've easily been well executed but for some reason was left out.

The Late Late Show with James Corden (2015–2023)

IT SAYS "LATE" TWICE *Wheeze*

[4/10 · 29 June 2021]

James Corden is not funny, but not offensively bad. Some segments were actually very funny (spill your guts or fill your guts I watch often on youtube because Jimmy Kimmel is tortured) but that doesn't excuse the lackluster comedy that almost no one would find entertaining in the slightest, especially his political comedy, but that's just because he's saying and doing all the same things Fallon and Kimmel have done for years and it just gets boring. Also, stop hanging out with Tom Cruise, he's a psychopath and it's creepy watching you joke with him. There is so little originality in Corden himself but I don't know why because believe it or not he actually gave a hilarious and eccentric performance in films like prom night and plays like one man, two guvnors. I really think almost everyone in late night is playing too safe (except Trevor Noah and John Oliver, who bring there own perspective on major events that I find very refreshing and thought provoking) and forgoing the comedic talent that got them famous in the first place and not worth watching anymore.

The Great British Baking Show (2010– )

Incredible

[10/10 · 10 June 2021]

If you want some good entertainment to take your mind off of things, have I got the show for you: "The Great British Baking Show" Is the steepest emotional rollercoaster I've yet gone through. I Decided one day to turn on an episode, and then my mom went "Hey, that looks fun. Can I join you?" And we just finished season one. Don't let the name fool you, this is so much more than a reality competition cooking show. The contestants aren't experts at baking, it's just a hobby for them. Anything they do may or may not be a disaster, and you never know who to root for because these are all the sweetest, most integral people on the planet who just genuinely want to have a good time and see what they can do, the judges are also far kinder than most other judges. They aren't annoyingly picky but are never lenient either, they expect creativity and creativity done well. Go watch it.