ericphil Reviews

Ring of Death (2008 TV Movie)

The 80's action movie lives!!!!!!

[6/10 · 22 February 2009]

Realism isn't one of the strong elements of this martial arts gem. You've seen this movie before dozens of times. A guy has to go to prison undercover to investigate and fight in an underground martial arts tournament. A sadistic prison warden makes money off these fights by allowing rich people to place bets over the internet. Some of these fights, gasp, are to the DEATH. In between the fight action there are pretty girls who dance around for no particular reason. How it is pretty girls are allowed to dance around suggestively in a prison full of murderers and rapists is beyond me.

This movie is fun as long as you don't expect too much. The end of the movie is classic. (SPOILER) The main character, who was sent to prison for assaulting a police officer, is rewarded by becoming an FBI agent. If you want to join the FBI don't worry about complicated exams, just go to prison and fight MMA, that's how you get in. Ah yes, one can learn much from a prison martial arts template movie.

Fear Itself: New Year's Day (2008) Season 1, Episode 6

Zombies meet the sixth sense

[7/10 · 18 July 2008]

I haven't particularly enjoyed any of these "Fear Itself" episodes. It's not that I don't enjoy horror movies and it's not that I have a problem with a low budget. My problem has been with the stories themselves. This episode, however, represented an improvement.

The episode involves an attractive twenty something girl who wakes up in her apartment hung over after a late night of New Year's Eve partying. There's blood on the floor, the room is shaking, and air sirens are blaring in the background. We then have flashbacks of what happened earlier that night where the same twenty-something girl went to a party with the intention of telling the guy she has been seeing that she loves him. When we jump to the present, the plot focuses on the protagonist and her attempt to reach her "boyfriend's" apartment. The city is in chaos and zombies are roaming the streets and attacking people.

The ending was clever as long as you don't take too much time dissecting exactly what happened. Seven out of Ten.

Tales from the Darkside: Ring Around the Redhead (1985) Season 2, Episode 3

A full length film worth of material shoved into 20 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!

[5/10 · 9 July 2008]

They tried to shove a great story into twenty minutes!! The story this episode was based on is unique and very original. It probably is worthy of a 1.5 hour film but certainly not a 20 minute episode. Most of the action in the episode occurs off camera and we are left with the main character giving a quickie recap of what happened. Way too rushed. It almost felt like a preview for a real movie.

The story involves a lonely inventor who, after an earthquake, discovers a hoola hoop sized metallic ring in his basement. He quickly learns that the ring serves as a portal into other dimensions. Every time he touches the ring it moves and the portal opens to a new dimension. He begins to experiment on the ring and uses a machine line to pull objects out of the other dimensions. After successfully removing large gems and other artifacts, he pulls out a young beautiful woman.

The rest of the plot involves a deceitful confidant who wants the ring for himself and the love story between the inventor and his beautiful and alien discovery.

Church Ball (2006)

If i labor all my days. . . .

[1/10 · 7 February 2007]

Every once in a long while a movie will come along that will be so awful that I feel compelled to warn people. If I labor all my days and I can save but one soul from watching this movie, how great will be my joy.

Where to begin my discussion of pain. For starters, there was a musical montage every five minutes. There was no character development. Every character was a stereotype. We had swearing guy, fat guy who eats donuts, goofy foreign guy, etc. The script felt as if it were being written as the movie was being shot. The production value was so incredibly low that it felt like I was watching a junior high video presentation. Have the directors, producers, etc. ever even seen a movie before? Halestorm is getting worse and worse with every new entry. The concept for this movie sounded so funny. How could you go wrong with Gary Coleman and a handful of somewhat legitimate actors. But trust me when I say this, things went wrong, VERY WRONG.

In the Company of Men (1997)

A former BYU student's thoughts

[9 August 2001]

When this film came out, all of BYU, especially the Mormon community was shocked. Those who dared view the film despite its rated "R" label came away shaking their heads. The film's language and content are troubling to say the least. After hearing all the talk I finally broke down and rented this film. While viewing it I tried very hard to forget what I had heard about it. I wanted to judge the film based on its content as opposed to a rumor mill.

The film was fascinating to say the least. The idea that people would do such awful things is enough to keep anyone awake and attentive throughout the film. My biggest problem with this film however is the way it made me feel. When the film had finished I felt physically sick. This film created one of the worst and most evil villains in cinematic history. In addition, it ended on an incredibly sour note that made it hard to accept.

I am not saying that I have a problem with films that end on bad notes, I am simply saying that if a film is going to end depressing than it probably needs to have a strong point. In the film "Requim For a Dream" there is an unhappy ending and the film leaves its audiences with an unsettling feeling. However, there is a strong anti-drug message. In this film, you are left unsettled but are unsure as to what the message/point was. What are you supposed to take away from this film? Anything?

The low budget aspect of the film did make it look cheap at times but overall, the film was well done. I just didn't like the way it made me feel and didn't like the fact that I took nothing from it but discomfort. Who likes to feel like crap for no particular reason?

3000 Miles to Graceland (2001)

The ending was very weak!!

[8 August 2001]

*mild spoilers* I watched this film last night and was entertained for a while. The violence was excessive and why they needed to use the "F" word thirty times in each sentence is beyond me.

My biggest problem with this film was the ending. I won't spoil anything by going into detail but don't you think that the two main characters should at least fight it out. In this film we have a protagonist and an atagonist. They compete for a prize the entire film and then when they finally meet, they do nothing. There is no fist fight, there is no shoot out between the two, and there is certainly no duel. The villain is destroyed in this film but not because of the protagonist. There is an unwritten rule that in an action film the good guy and the bad guy have to have a fight scene at the end. This film didnt and was therfore stupid. It left me incredibly unsatisfied. I feel so cheated.

This movie also has some incredible coincidences. Events that occur and make you say,"well isn't that a lucky break for the bad guy. Who would have known he would just happen to run into our good guy friends."

This movie had cool potential but it wasn't cool. It was just bad.

Girlfight (2000)

Feminist/unrealistic movie

[2 August 2001]

*Spoilers* Let me tell you the plot of this stupid movie. A girl decides to box and falls in love with an experienced boxer who is on the verge of going pro. In an unrealistic twist of events she beats the crap out of her father and ends up defeating her boyfriend in a championship fight. Nevermind the fact that her boyfriend has been training a lot longer and has had a lot more experience.

In this film every man is also treated as an evil thing. The father is sexist and beat his wife. THe boyfriend is a cheat and doesn't know what he wants. The only male depicted in a positive light is the little brother and there are strong hints he is gay. This movie was so heavyhanded and feminist that only women could enjoy it. All men listen to me when I say, "don't see this film." It is evil, stupid, and hard to get through when you're rolling your eyes during every scene.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Being John Malkovich (1999)

I am so glad others hated this film

[25 July 2001]

I was horrified to think that everyone enjoyed this movie. I was thrilled that so many people agreed with me that this movie is complete trash. It can't decide what it wants to be. It starts out as a satire, then it becomes science fiction, and finally it gets almost pornographic with lesbians and monkeys. This movie made absolutely no sense. I've had thirteen people claim to understand it and each of their explanations vary considerably. No one understands this film and if anybody claims they do they are liars. I think the only reason this film was critically acclaimed is because the critics were embarassed that they didn't get it. They felt it was original and artsy and therefore should probably get a good review. I agree with them that this film was original, an orginal piece of crap that is. Don't see this film. In the name of all that is holy avoid it at all costs. You will be left confused and the people who make this crappy "make no sense" movie will have more money to create more stupid movies for people to not understand and critics to somehow love.

Cry Wilderness (1987)

The worst movie ever

[2/10 · 13 July 2001]

I saw this film years ago when it came to theaters for an extremely limited release. I remember the film so well because I won a door prize the day I viewed it. I watched the film with a theater full of young kids and even the kids didn't like it. Many slept and others just shook their young heads in disbelief. How could such a poor film be produced.

Body and Soul (1999 TV Movie)

bad bad movie

[6 July 2001]

No script, no plot, and bad narration. That's what this film is about. Seeing Jennifer Beals have to resort to acting in movies like this is enough to make a grown man cry. I love boxing films but this is one of the worst. Avoid it at all costs and rent Flashdance so you can remember what Jennifer used to be.

Return of the Living Dead II (1988)

Awful, just awful

[14 May 2001]

I rented all three "Return of the Living Dead" movies and watched them the same night. The first one wasn't bad and the third one was excellent, but this film was just awful. It was a virtual remake of the first film and even used some of the same characters. It tried to be funny but didn't even come close. I had a hard time staying awake through this borefest and strongly encourage all to avoid this film. Watch the first and third instead.