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Hangmen (1987)
Retro-tech assassin horror/thriller epitomized glories of '80s
1 February 2021
You don't find movies like this anymore. These are the kind of films that really take you back, transport you to an entirely different time and place. The world revealed in this film is so far gone and so out of our range, that movies like these are almost an historical artifact. This separation from our time is what makes films like these so interesting. Not every day do you get to see how old-time computers worked, and it's amazing that Danny's dad was able to send him a message on his computer console through the phone line (basically the precursor of texting, probably something that phone phreaks used to do). I love any movies that show computer terminal text, as it gives a glimpse into the development of the Unix system, the ancestors of modern day Mac OS and Linux. Also, not every day does one see old Conan the Barbarian posters-which papers Danny's dorm room. One also gets a glimpse of a hot babe swimsuit model poster - and it's not Farrah Fawcett either!

The film is basically about a boy, Danny Greene, whose father, Rob, is an (ex-)CIA agent, and whom he never sees, since Rob and Danny's mother are apparently divorced. Rob just wants a relationship with his son, a thing that Danny does not want, as he feels hurt from his father's absence in his life up to that point (Danny doesn't know what his dad did for a living). Rob reaches out to Danny to spend more time with him now that Danny is almost done with college, and wants to hunt and fish, offers that Danny refuses, as he is not interested in such activities. Nonetheless, assassins are out to get Rob. Rob urgently sends Denny a message on the phone line system mentioned above to not trust anyone and to find someone named Dog Thompson. Hooked already?

The bad guys intercept the data message transferred over the phone line (encrypt your messages). While Danny is gone, they send a hit-woman posing as an escort to his room, who seduces and slays his roommate. Da fuq? Now, they are watching him from every angle and have him cornered. Can Danny escape?

He runs to his mom's place. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. "Please mom, don't answer that," Danny pleads. But too late, mom doesn't believe him, and suddenly two "firemen" who need to do a fire inspection are at the door, and inside the house. They take out Bowie knives and slay his mom. He hides under the bed, then runs out. Will they find him? You'll have to watch to find out!

This movie may have the only instance of a first-person, POV shot of a man holding a gun, i.e., the camera is at the rear of the gun, and shows the hands holding it, just like Halo style. If not, Halo got it's inspiration from this movie.

The gratuitous violence in this movie is off the charts; each character seems to be shot with at least 20 shots. It's hard to generalize, but this movie seems more violent than many modern movies, including Tarantino; although I haven't seen the Crank or John Wick series. This movie also reinforces for me the idea that guys in the '80s loved guns--guns, guns, guns. This film spots the most intense and large number of guns of all styles, tiny ones, big ones, and all sizes in between. There is one extended scene where Rob has to go to a crime boss to purchase a large amount of weapons, and another where members of the good guys squad bring in an AR to a diner and show it to the waiter, who fondles it for many minutes even as other customers come in. Apparently, in the '80s it was common fare for waiters to examine guns in restaurants. You don't see so many automatic guns like this in movies these days. At other times, it almost feels like a horror movie (e.g., the firemen scene). You gotta give '80s movies their due; if not anything, '80s movies had a lot of guts and gusto.

This movie obviously wasn't well-known, as it seems it went straight to video in the US, whereas in Brazil it actually opened in theatres. Despite its flaws, this film is a great addition to one's VHS collection, especially those that like the '80s, like movies in the DIE HARD/SILENT TRIGGER vein, or want to see retro-tech involved in an espionage/assassin-type plot.
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Rain, elevator shafts, reminds of La Femme Nikita, Bladerunner, and Die Hard
17 November 2020
This film felt like a mix of LA FEMME NIKITA, another early '90s piece, and BLADERUNNER, in both aesthetics, mood, and plot elements. The whole 'crawling-around-in-shafts-and-elevators' reminded me of DIE HARD, as well. This film has a welcome female presence, unlike Die Hard. I found this film very enjoyable. The endless rain and lighting, as well as just '90s vibes, were enough to make me keep watching. I found the repeated flashbacks to a previous mission bothersome to the narrative present; I thought the opening scene was enough to establish the relationship between Gina Bellman and Lundgren, although they did a good job maintaining the tension between them throughout the film. On a side note, people forget how gritty the '90s were, and this film shows that (not that people were sniping each other all the time), similar to La Femme Nikita. I have yet to see Russel Mulcahy's HIGHLANDER (I have the VHS on my shelf!) nor have I seen any other Dolph Lundgren films, but watching this one made me want to see all his other films. I don't know what else to say, except the opening music rocks, the CGI is bad (typical '90s), and it was confusing why such a large, important tower would have been left vacant like that. Now, if you don't mind, I have some unfinished industrial buildings to climb around in.
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Wolf-people, lesbian tramps, and nofap Tommy Wiseau-look alikes!
27 July 2020
This is a great film. Here are some highlights:

The film has scenes directly recycled from DEATHSTALKER I as well as BARBARIAN QUEEN, but portrayed as if they were brand-new scenes.

Unlike Deathstalker I, there are no pig-men, but there are lion-men and wolf-men and -women, who seem to be recurring villains in the film. Like the first film, the protagonist is played by Rick Hill, which is fun to see his deadpan-delivered lines. His female sidekick/love interest is Dionara (Maria Ford). The duo basically make their way to another tournament, which evil Queen Kana is holding for the warriors in the whole kingdom.

At one point, Deathstalker meets a Tommy Wiseau-look alike who does 50 pushups. Named Vaniat (Brett Baxter Clark), he sort of follows Hill and Ford to the tournament. We later learn that Vaniat is the first no-fapper (which I didn't know existed in 1991): he tells Deathstalker that sleeping with women saps one's vital energy; hee also eats a whole pig and likes cardio. He was basically a crossfitter before cross fit existed. To add to the greatness, this character's non-exposure to women becomes a hilarious plot point later on in the film.

We also get to see the early '90s fascination with lesbian-esque women clad in leather, one of whom has a buzzcut and befriends the main girl Dionara. One of the secondary villains whom we meet midway into the film is a lesbian, who basically forces herself on a younger girl after killing her female guardian.

The music sounds as if the composer was having a seizure on the keyboard.

With so much greatness, DEATHSTALKER IV is a much-watch!
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The Sisterhood of the Travelling Hawk
13 July 2020
In this, yet another apocalyptic, MAD MAX ROAD WARRIOR spin-off, we find ourselves in the year 2021, when "all women are slaves and all men are their masters!" until...The Sisterhood arrives! The film features a young Anna Farris-look alike, who is allegedly a witch and has a pet hawk named Lady Shree. Orphaned along with her younger brother, they hide out in the desert from the marauding bands with the hawk as their only companion. The brother mentions a group of women fighters of lore, the Sisterhood, whom traveling bards have sung of. The sister, named Marya, dismisses such a story as old wives' tales, but not before the brother opines that his sister should seek refuge among the Sisterhood. When she points out they only accept women, he decides he will become a traveling bard too. In terms of the plot, that's all you need to know to enjoy this movie.

The plot, unlike other sword and sorcery/post-apocalyptic movies (I'm looking at you, The Sword and The Sorcerer, and She, the latter I gave 10 stars, but not because of its plot!) makes sense, but there are some silly elements. The villain, Mikal, looks like he should be the good guy, and the emblem on his chest bears a menorah. Oh, and the leader of the Sisterhood wears a crown that I kept mistaking for a porkie pie hat throughout. The cars are cool, but not anything fancier than Road Warrior. The music is dreadful, feeling like an 8-bit version of a circus. I give this a 8 for its plot, landscape, hawk-human relationship, and scenes involving girls with guns, tanks, and long bows.
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She (1984)
White rabbit meets Amazonian warrior princess
13 July 2020
Warning: Spoilers
This bizarre, yet endearing movie can only be described as a hodge-podge of CONAN THE BARBARIAN, MAD MAX, ALICE IN WONDERLAND, and MONTHY PYTHON, mixed in with WONDER WOMAN or any other Amazonian-themed flick. The opening scene introduces us to some bucolic travelers who enter a barter faire called Heaven's Gate. The barterers at this faire wear leather jerkins and tunics and variations of mail, outfits one would expect in a medieval village scene; however, the wares are decidedly un-medieval: boxes of Corn Flakes, card games, American flags (?), and Johnson & Johnson soap and shampoo. Evidently, our bucolic village trading post is the outposts of a post-apocalyptic society, where people have to create or barter all their goods for themselves. I found the clearly modern American items in a medieval context humorous and clever.

Suddenly, some metal guitar riffs drop in and a group of bad dudes pulled directly from Mad Max: Road Warrior enter to destroy our peaceful society. The leader is dressed like a German kaiser; some sport Nazi kitsch/chic; others football pads, motorcycle helmets and chains. I guess in the apocalypse, villains wear whatever they can lay hands on and call it high fashion. This motley crew might as well be playing to Mötley Crüe or Mötörhead-that's how metal the situation is (in fact, Mötörhead does compose some of the tracks in the film). The Nazi leader shoots a gun, which fires an arrow on a string that is reeled back to him, pulling the hapless female victim (the sister of the two male protagonists) along with it. All these sorts of non-sequitur elements make this film charming in a strange, niche, trying-to-be-'80s-metal sort of way. At one point in the film, a woman tugs on the arm of a (living) mummified man; the arm comes abruptly off. He responds, "I told you to watch the arm."

The two male protagonists (who evidently keep using the word "cute" to describe each other or situations in which they find themselves, enhancing the homoerotic overtones, which are bolstered by a toga-wearing femme man and another rainbow man in a tutu) are brothers, and the woman who got dragged away by the arrow-on-a-string was their sister. Now, they have to go on a journey to rescue their sister. First, they discover that the Road Warrior villains who kidnapped their sister are the evil Norks. But the only person who knows where the Norks reside is She.

She is the eponymous Amazonian queen who rules this Pan-am land, also known as She Who Must Be Obeyed (by the way, my grandmother had a coffee mug with this phrase on it). She is played by sandy-haired Sandahl Bergman and has a coterie of worshippers who deadeningly chant, "She! She! She," ad infinitum--I must say I found the scenes of prostrate worshippers disturbing. She seems to not much care about her worshippers and leaves them to worship her in her absence. She has much better things to do. Like slash guys in chain mail who jump out of boxes and stab her. She plays a skilled warrior, but she does manage to get cut by all 8 or so of these mailed box-dwelling men. Luckily, she has access to a healing pool which quickly remedies her wounds after soaking in the water; while healing, the crone guarding the pool tells her that She's undoing will be due to romantic attraction to a man.

From there, our trusty brothers find She, kidnap her, and somehow end up in an abandoned factory with the aforementioned mummy men, but then Shanda and She's handmaidens come to rescue She. Various '80s tracks pump in at different moments, exhibiting the awesomeness of the scenes. She's soldiers imprison the brothers, but then release them at She's behest. Being directed to Nork valley, the two men stumble upon a pool party with rainbow umbrellas and guys and dolls arrayed in Roman togas. The brothers are invited to have dinner with the commune, and the resultant dinner scene, with formal tux worn by the men and the characters swaying to '50s doo-wop on the record player, almost feels like a John Hughes moment. Of course, the party's post-ambulatory slumber is broken when the hosts of the party turn into vampires, apparently their signature act of hospitality towards travelers. Luckily, She and her handmaiden come to the rescue. She and Shanda accompany the brothers for the rest of their quest. It does not spoil the plot too much to point out, that, after the final battle, the film ends with a melancholy love song.

Male-female dynamics, metal, and a strange mixture of anarcho-hippie-post-apocalypticism and a zany juxtaposition of modernity and antiquity, are the main themes, and the film just gets better and better from there. Required watching. Clearly, this is a top movie from the decade, and it deserves a 10/10 for zaniness.
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No clue what's happening
11 July 2020
I had no clue what was happening the entire movie, and I had no clue who was who the whole movie. The plot kept bringing in new characters, and characters whom you thought were the main ones, disappear for 30 minutes or disappear altogether. There's the blonde girl, but apparently she's not the main girl (Kathleen Beller) whom the apparent hero has a love interest in. I was super confused the whole movie and it could not keep my attention. I know it should be a good film, since it falls into the illustrious category of '80s sword-and-sorcery, but it made no sense to me. It felt as if THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING had broken into many different subplots and sub-groups, crossed with THE PRINCESS BRIDE, but to compare this movie with them only sullies their reputation. Honestly, DEATHSTALKER II (1987) makes more sense and is funnier.
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