polkaband Reviews

The Boogeyman (I) (2023)

Just turn on the lights

[3/10 · 28 January 2024]

Nothing new on this one absolutely every typical cliche. Entire film has rooms that are lit like it one kilowatt. When the entire premise resides around if you light up the area the Boogeyman doesn't appear.... And they know this.... It unbelievably stretches the imagination when at every level and every room there's barely a candle lights worth of lighting.

There's a scene where the little girl who's incredibly afraid of the dark and night is playing PlayStation holy understanding that the Boogeyman shows up when it's dark... In the room where she's playing PlayStation the living room it's completely dark... Every room adjoining the living room is completely dark. Zero carrying and zero empathy for characters to stupid to abide by the rules of the movie which again ours as simple as turning on the damn lights.

Born to Fight (2004)

Boring

[3/10 · 9 November 2017]

Watch the trailer and you will see all the best parts of the movie. Seriously. It may lead you to think there may be some awesome action that leads or follows some of the scenes but there really isn't. They're really all just in the trailer. Watch it and save 90 minutes of your life. May be good to watch for cheesy camp value with some buddies and beers as the clichés abound and are good for laughs at how inane some of them are.

Inside (2007)

Somewhat stretches believability

[6/10 · 9 November 2017]

There a few things wrong with this movie that have schlock elements that if they had been fixed or handled differently would have propelled this film to greatness. SPOILER ALERT:

1) First Issue is the accent music playing during certain violent scenes. It sounds kitchsy - almost like something Tarantino would think would be cool to play when it would have been far more effective minus these moments.

2) The audio separation from the 1st floor and the 2nd floor seemed hard to believe. Everything that went on on each floor seemed to be completely isolated in regards to audio. The inability for anyone to readily hear what's going on upstairs or downstairs on multiple occasions stretches believability.

3) I find it hard to believe the remaining cop didn't call for backup once his partner got shot from the car. This is difficult for me to get over.

4) The face burn at the end didn't seem quite to take as well as it should. This woman would have been in insane pain and probably unable to see period. Also the fact that her head didn't snap back from the flame is a bit weird - normal human reactions would be to snap your head back from the flame.

5) The "prisoner" in the cop car tags along via handcuffs and the cop gives the guy a gun? Also - considering a life/death situation - that would be gross negligence on the part of this cop to bring this arrested dude into this situation. Not too believable - the arrested guy is there simply to be another victim.

Besides all of these problems - I somewhat enjoyed this. I feel that if they had cleaned up a few of these issues - this movie could have gone from half schlock / half Funny Games to a full on serious movie. Unfortunately I had to suspend my belief on multiple occasions that ultimately left me with somewhat indifferent. Bleak ending is good though.

Torque (2004)

Physically Enduring to Watch

[1/10 · 26 February 2005]

There are bad movies and then there are painful movies. Then there's Torque which very well may have defined a new term of "bad".

For those previous comments who argue that this is a B-Movie and that viewers should "lighten up" - you need to look up your definitions. A B movie is low budget. This was obviously not low budget. I would have to lighten up to the degree of being an overexposed photograph of the kid from Powder to even watch another minute of this film again.

There is something about cult or campy flicks that is difficult to explain. On paper or at face value a campy movie can be bad but there's a sense of "fun" in it. You can watch Faster Pussycat Kill Kill and think that they actually had fun filming it AND screening it. You watch Torque and you think that on day 33 of the shoot it must have been painful beyond belief for the crew to answer their alarm clocks.

Torque doesn't work in ANY labeling of film. It isn't low budget. It doesn't feel campy. It isn't even funny bad. Unless the real life actors are complete idiots in real life they must have been downright embarrassed by this. It paid their bills though.

There is ZIP for any sort of conversation that even mildly could be construed as entertaining. The editing is a total MTV hyperkenetic ADD disaster. The stunts are neither even remotely plausible or interesting. The love interest scenario was as cliché as possible. Ice Cube couldn't act his way out of a styrofoam cup in any movie previously and it still shows.

I feel that this movie was literally a physical challenge to watch. Around the midway point I felt like I had just free climbed Devil's Tower. Perhaps I lost a few years of my life from the physical exhaustion this movie delivered to my body.

On the upside though - I feel like after having watched this movie I could watch any 9 hour insurance seminar without batting an eye. After viewing Torque, I would rather watch someone trying to start their lawn mower for 3 hours on local access cable.

Corky Romano (2001)

Holy Canoli - Pure torture

[1/10 · 27 February 2004]

What a horrible movie. This is beyond even MST3k'ing with a couple friends who were drunk WITH me while watching. We all were in pain. I watched in horror. If you though SNL lost direction years ago, this will only solidify the torture. Schindler's List had more funny moments. I think it's about time everyone looked at the entire SNL franchise and decide that it's time to cancel the show if only simply to save us from such catastrophic movies as Corky Romano.

This makes Attack of the Killer Tomatoes seem like Raising Arizona. AVOID at all costs. I wouldn't even normally watch a movie like this for free except for a crazy set of circumstances. I suggest a Corky Romano Bebelplatz - everyone bring their dvd/vhs copies to town square and light them on fire. Trust me, the world would be a much better place.