cupcakeX Reviews

War of the Worlds (2005)

Abomination

[2/10 · 1 July 2005]

--Contains spoilers and angry sarcasm-- I'm the type of guy who usually frowns upon giving something the absolute lowest or highest rating. There are only a handful of true classics (50 in the entire history of film?) and very few movies that make one sit in awe at its ineptitude (Plan 9, anyone?) But I had to think about this film quite hard. I wanted to give it a one so bad. War of the Worlds is could be the worst case of media-hype in the history of cinema. I've never seen an entire theater full of people turn against a movie. People walked out, mocked the screen writing and openly laughed at the 'tragic and touching' moments. I felt bad for laughing at the grenade scene and felt bad for laughing, thinking that others might be trying to enjoy the film. However, when I looked around, others were mocking it as well or just leaving the theater completely. This is immediately followed by one of the lamest post-destruction scenes I've witnessed (Oh no, the statue is covered in blood weeds, l'horreur!) The plot holes make other recent bad sci-action films (Godzilla, ST:Insurrection,) seem logical and (gulp,) intelligent. The main family in the movie pilots the only working car in the area, drive 125 miles through broken down autos (without nary a slowdown,) but get near a ferry and get attacked?? Or when they fall off said ferry and swim roughly two miles to shore (together!!) without getting picked off by the aliens. The ending is so ridiculous, it got a sparse pity applause. I wish the family had a dog that the aliens could have took so Fido could have also been at the final reunion. So why not a one from me? The acting is shallow but competent and along with the so-so effects (cool but not awe-inspiring,) bumped this atrocity up to a two for me. It could have even gotten a three if the last scene wasn't so lame (see it to believe it.) Not the worst film ever (or even in its genre, or maybe even of 2005,) but plot conventions that certainly bring 'worst film ever' moments. To summarize, It's been three hours since I left the theater and I'm still ticked off. Five dollars says I'll still be ticked off in the morning, maybe clear through this weekend.

Center Stage (2000)

It hurts, mommy it hurts.

[26 March 2002]

Reading the other comments made me realize but one thing, I was arguably the only male over 16 to see this film( Well, my friend too (we snuck in as we had an hour plus to wait for some better movie.). This was far, far, far, far, far from a great film in any normal sense. However, the level of camp it has almost rivals the 1966 Batman movie and surpasses it because no one actually was trying to make it camp here.

What a film, horrible horrible great film! The dialogue has to be in the worst 1/2 percent contained in any movie made in the last 20 years. And I've seen most of the Olsen twins detective movie (damn ABC family,) and just about every "Up All Night" movie USA showed from 1994-1996.

The entire movie has a great angle, the script seems to have been taken from the conversations of 12-year-olds. And the awkward way it's exchanged makes the writing have this weird perspective of somewhere between a YM magazine and the 2 am Skinemax "Feature Presentation."

The "plot": One girl strives to be like the bestest ballet dancer, though like most of the cast, lacks any serious ballet skills. They recycle about six moves, think of watching Stars on Ice where the skaters did nothing but the same double-toe loop over and over. She goes to this art school where the competition is tough, the teachers are strict and the men are obviously gay. Except of course, for the most effeminate looking guy, who we learn is not gay in a fabulous exchange of awful dialogue:

Main girl) He is so hot! Other Girls) We know!! Main girl) Is he straight or gay? Other Girls) He's straight....ahhhhhhh!!!!

It's a good example of the great cinematic term So-Awful-It's-Funny. This goes on for the entire movie. The girl learns two moves by the end that make her obviously the greatest dancer there is (though any experienced ballet student could do with little effort.) Everyone thinks the 'moves' are just amazing. She's either the Chris Jericho or Rob Van Dam of ballet.

And she gets the guy, I think (don't remember.) Too busy drinking smuggled-in liquor to remember.

Finally, the level of awful dialogue that this movie achieves is tantamount to all 7 Police Academy movies combined! If you can find it on tape, you really should watch.

On a normal scale, this movie is a D-. On the level of watching it as unintended comedy, it's a solid B. Mix some booze, and or MST3k action to it and it's a grade A piece of funny crap.

Video Power (1990–1992)

I lived it and loathed it.

[14 January 2000]

In 1990, I was a contestant on the Gameshow version of "Video Power." It was a cheese masterpiece. I beat some kids at Tecmo Bowl and Bases Loaded (NES classics) to win a trip around this maze o' $9.99 clearance sale video games that I could stick to a velcro suit I wore (which was made of crap velcro that didn't stick well at all.) The contestants were between 10 and 13 years old, with preference given to girls (who sadly were often cannon fodder for boys with carpal-tunnel from constant video gaming.) The show had three rounds. In the first round, 4 kids would play a game for 1:41 to determine which two could get the farthest in a game (not all playing on the same NES.) Those two would then compete in a question round for points and then play a final video game (another 90 seconds or so) for like 30 more points (enough to make the question round basically worthless.) The bonus round had the velcro suit. 30 seconds to attach video games to yourself and slide down some lame slide. Finding a special video game warranted a special prize (often a crappy remote control car.) The producers were dumb as dirt as there were often 5 or ten or the special game in the unsearched maze, making it a joke to win. Daily winners went on to a weekly game for a prize of a Sega Genesis or so (back in the day, that was a cool thing to win.) I got thrashed in the weekly game, partially because I think I was the shitty Hawaii team in the Bases Loaded final, as opposed to the other kid who got to play as LA.

Watching the tape of myself later, I realized how retchid this show really was. The cartoon version (which came both before and after the gameshow's run) was way better than watching some acne-warriors try to stick games to themselves. In the end, I enjoyed being on it and at least I wasn't on "Steampipe Alley" (all you New Yorkers know what I'm talking about.)

Swans Crossing (1992)

All that talent wasted by the scripts.

[14 January 2000]

For the most part, Swan's Crossing was an under-16 "One Life to Live." Sarah Michelle Gellar stood out as the school bitch and the tease for the boys. Mira Sorvino was in it but I don't remember doing what besides being another 'pretty' girl. All the male characters stunk. And the scripts were just so bad. The characters were laughably one-dimensional. 65 episodes was way more than enough, my twin sister often made me watch this and my therapy is almost through now. Hopefully the archives of Swan's Crossing were burned by the lake where they were made. The sad part is that "Dawson's Creek" obviously took scenery and location ideas from this show.

Blossom (1990–1995)

Up there in re-run heaven

[14 January 2000]

From the absolutely non-catchy theme song to the interesting assortment of characters (a druggie, a moron, another moron that wants to sleep with the first moron, etc..) to the lame storylines (Will Blossom have sex? was the topic of at least 10 episodes) Blossom never ceased to underachieve. The Russo's were like the Cosby's except for being less funny and in more need of therapy. Mr. Russo always went on about his dead wife and Joey Lawrence became the main character by default because the other characters were uber-Urkels. It was a sign of its times. Blossom, while credit is given for creativity, often wore what looked like scraps from the fabric store stapled together for the maximum defect. I see it on re-runs every now and then but why? Maybe if you want to see why NBC was always suffering low ratings in the years before "Friends" and "Seinfeld."

Maxie's World (1987–1989)

There is a reason you forgot this cartoon.

[14 January 2000]

Maxie's world was a terrible Barbie ripoff where the rich high school kids worried about their dates and shopping. The choppy animation hurt, the voices hurt and the hurting was only offset by the corny though catchy Saban/Levy theme song. It was often shown along with Gem and the Hologram cartoons.

Jem (1985–1988)

Haven't we seen this before?

[14 January 2000]

Jem was a 1980's "Josie and the Pussycats" except for the additions of the Jem's 'what the hell was that' type magic and the absence of any ambiguously gay male characters. But Jem was a very silly and fun 80's cartoon. It had terrible animation but the music was totally wicked cool when I was 7. The best part was the complete, unexplained lack of plot in any Jem episode. What they were doing was tertiary to the singing bits and the hideously great fashion statements.

A web culture has made this show easy to find copies of. I think you can actually buy videos of it from the company that made it. If you remember it and want a good laugh, I bet it would be worth the $12 or so to see again.