newie Reviews

Jaws 3-D (1983)

Uh-oh.

[2/10 · 5 March 2005]

Jaws was FAN(or should that be FIN)TASTIC.ha ha,did ya see what i did there yeah good ain't it!!.....Lets start again.

Jaws was GREAT a modern masterpiece. Jaws 2, well lets be fair it had a hell of a lot to live up to but wasn't all that bad,at least it has Chief Brody. Then..............well then there was this.........but hey at least its in 3D right!!? God no, why, why do it, leave it at 2,don't do a third it ain't worth it. Louis, wasn't he at the Oscars a few years back.stick to Iron Eagle mate.Dennis,well son, your career is only just getting back on track (Flight of the Phoenix,ummm). The ONLY person to come out of this mess and can keep his head held high is Mr Simon MaCorkindale who camps it up big time as Fitzroyce. He went on to make the classic TV show Manimal that was cruelly axed after 1 season i think, and he is now on British TV screens again in Casualty,which has been on for years and SHOULD be axed!!!! All in all this was a BAD movie...........lets pray they don't try and make a 4th...wait a minute........NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Condorman (1981)

Remake!!! Remake!!! Oh go on..

[8/10 · 5 March 2005]

Condorman,wow....the film that made a childhood. It was THE Easter/Summer/Christmas/Half Term movie of a generation. Back in the 80's this film was ALWAYS on TV in the UK. Now,you hardly see it, its a disgrace (to my knowledge the last time it was on was at 5am on a Saturday morning on BBC1).Kids today have no idea what their missing,this was superhero movie magic at its best.....no...really...it was. It starred Michael (Phantom,Some Mothers) Crawford as Woody, a comic book artist who turned into his creation (Conderman) in order to rescue the beautiful (when your 10) Barbara Carrera from the clutches of the evil Hannibal (played in ultimate OTT mode by Oliver Reed... What i find more upsetting is that this masterpiece isn't available for us in the UK (Video or DVD). So,why,with the current trend for making Comic Book movies at a high,does nobody take a chance and offer this classic a remake!! Think about it..its got to be better than Daredevil,The Punisher, Batman and Robin and as for Catwoman,don't get me started!!. Question is,who could replace the Wonderful Crawford,Reed,Carrera?? Well the part of Natalia (Carrera) could go to somebody like,umm,lets say Hilary Swank.........Hannibal (Reed),needs to be one mean SOB,so how about Vernon Wells (Bennett in Commando, bad guy,bad string vest,back moustache,perfick!) and last but by no means least the part of Woody Wilkins.....well Vin Diesel needs a Hit!!!! But i feel the acting part of the role may be too much for him, so lets get Jeremy Irons on board!!! COME ON Hollywood GET WITH IT!!!!!!

Commando (1985)

I'll be back BENNETT

[24 February 2004]

Lets be honest, this is quite frankly the GREATEST action flick ever produced. Not because it was Arnie in his prime, oh no, it was because of the MASTERFUL performance by Mr Vernon Wells as BENNETT!!! Over the years there have been many polls about who in the movie world is the greatest villain. Lector? Vader? Bates? Freddy? Jason? Julie Andrews in The sound of music??? But none of them come close to him. He didn't need the gun!!! He was SMART!!! He had the EDGE!!! He looked like the lost member of the Village people, surely Handlebar moustache and string vest is scarier than the FORCE, or KNIVES for fingers!! Just watch this film again and you'll see. He'll be ready John.