Hessy Reviews

54 (1998)

Ack!

[26 September 1998]

Give me my 90 minutes back! You know a movie is bad with you're more interested in whether or not you should go get another soda than the characters. To be fair I missed the first ten minutes or so and might have missed out on some earth shattering subtext somewhere but I don't think so. Nothing happens in this movie! I saw a "Biography" on A&E that had wilder club scenes, more celebrities and a more poignant plot. Are we supposed to be impressed with the back of Andy Warhol's head. Give me a break! To be fair the movie did have a few good scenes. And I love Heather Matazzarro, even though she is wasted here. In fact there were quite a few things a found to like but every time something else would rear its ugly head. For example Mike Myers, who I read in reviews had totally transformed himself into the Steve character, has a tendency to open his mouth and grin like he's doing a Saturday Night live skit. You want to smack him. This is one of those movies that just meanders toward an anticlimactic close. For example the movie goes out of its way to show characters abusing drugs, but never shows any ill effects from them, except for the old lady who drops dead of course. Shane 54 seems to effortlesly kick all of the habits that the movie shows him developing by the end. And the raid on the club at the end, it's almost an afterthought, even though it contains Myers best line. As they stick him in the police car, "This is so tacky." My advice, stay away. It'll be out on video real, real soon.

54 (1998)

Ack!

[26 September 1998]

Give me my 90 minutes back! You know a movie is bad with you're more interested in whether or not you should go get another soda than the characters. To be fair I missed the first ten minutes or so and might have missed out on some earth shattering subtext somewhere but I don't think so. Nothing happens in this movie! I saw a "Biography" on A&E that had wilder club scenes, more celebrities and a more poignant plot. Are we supposed to be impressed with the back of Andy Warhol's head. Give me a break! To be fair the movie did have a few good scenes. And I love Heather Matazzarro, even though she is wasted here. In fact there were quite a few things a found to like but every time something else would rear its ugly head. For example Mike Myers, who I read in reviews had totally transformed himself into the Steve character, has a tendency to open his mouth and grin like he's doing a Saturday Night live skit. You want to smack him. This is one of those movies that just meanders toward an anticlimactic close. I don't consider these spoilers because you can see them coming miles away. For example the movie goes out of its way to show characters abusing drugs, but never shows any ill effects from them, except for the old lady who drops dead of course. Shane 54 seems to effortlessly kick all of the habits that the movie shows him developing by the end. And the raid on the club at the end, it's almost an afterthought, even though it contains Myers best line. As they stick him in the police car, "This is so tacky." My advice, stay away. It'll be out on video real, real soon. Far away. Far far away. Okay that's too far.

Armageddon (1998)

Definitely not a literary medium

[26 September 1998]

This just goes to show you that you can make a movie that is overbloated by half an hour, filled with incredibly fake looking slick cgi effects, and saddled with some of the clumsiest dialogue in motion pictures and still have an effective film. I almost cried at the end, I swear I did. All the while cursing myself for how cheaply I was being manipulated. That's how this movie seems to work, on an emotional level. On a cheap emotional level. It's not "Love Story". It uses whatever tools it needs to elicit an emotional response. If stock characters, noble sacrifices, sentimentality and ludicrous plot twists are what it takes to get that response then so be it. I went in to this movie with low expectations. There were maybe twelve other people there, which tended to confirm my misgivings. As soon as it started I was swept up in it. I read a comment somewhere recently that said film is not a literary medium. I tend to agree. As literature "Armegeddon" fails miserably. A crappy paperback that you put down near the middle. I think movies somehow touch us more than that. Something about sharing the immediacy of the screen with other people makes it work on us on another, visceral level. Good lines too, better than I would have thought: "Go wake up 11,000 (1,100?) people." A reference to the contingency plan to save congress during the event of a nuclear war. The part where Steve Buscemi rides the bomb like Slim Pickens in "Doctor Strangelove". This is also a good movie to watch Bruce Willis play Bruce Willis playing Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi doing Steve Buscemi, and the fat guy from the Frasier submarine movie playing fat guy from Bruce Willis asteroid movie. On a scale of one to ten I'd give it a 7, but when I was in the theater I'd have probably said nine. Ask me in a week.

Welcome to the Dollhouse (1995)

Very under-appreciated

[26 September 1998]

This movie was great. I was shocked to see no one had posted a comment on it. A fantastic performance by Heather Matazarro. The movie is all about growing up in a world that expects you to already be an adult. Because Dawn Weiner is "ugly" she is mistreated, harassed, and ignored by everyone she comes across. I don't think I've ever seen a movie that featured a character more emotional alone. There is a scene where Dawn's mother offers Dawn's dessert to her siblings to get back at her. They take it, eagerly. Most movies like this are either black comedies or feature a character who is stoicaly non-conformist or just stoic. Dawn is neither. She bleeds, right up until the movies end, which I won't spoil but I will say that it is all the more heartbreaking for its inertia as for its action. Go find this one. You'll either love it or hate it. It's not a movie that just lets you go.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Eeew Gross

[26 September 1998]

Any movie that focuses as much on fungus, mushrooms and genetically altered lizard men as much as this one does has problems. Real unwholesome both morally and visually. The design of the characters and their motivations is a nightmare. It's like that movie "The Pickle" , a movie about making a movie where a giant pickle crashes among "trendy people" come to life. The whole thing is joyless and ethically bankrupt. I mean, who laughs when a person gets turned into an animal. That is not funny. It's also one of those dark movies. It's like they could not afford many lights and they shot all their locations on overcast days. The only real reason to see it is Samantha Mathis. Boy do I like her. Watch "Broken Arrow" too. Pluses: Nothing like the video game, Princess Daisy, Bob Hoskins mastery of all accents known to man Minuses: Two expressions for Goomba heads:open mouth and closed mouth, nasty villains, nasty sets, this movie is for the most part kind of like something dried and sticky and hard you find underneath your movie seat. It could just be gum but then again it could be- Eeewwww.

p.s. if you think I have a problem with fungus you should hear what I have to say against Carnosaur. Dinosaurs that come from chickens. That's just wrong.