The Menu (2022)

Ralph Fiennes: Chef Slowik

Photos 

36 more photos

Quotes 

• Chef Slowik : Where did you go to school?

  Felicity : Brown.

  Chef Slowik : Student loans?

  Felicity : No.

  Chef Slowik : Sorry, you're dying.

• Margot : I don't like your food.

  Chef Slowik : What did you say?

  Margot : I said, "I don't like your food," and I would like to send it back.

  Chef Slowik : I'm sorry to hear that. What about my food is not to your liking?

  Margot : For starters, you've taken the joy out of eating. Every dish you served tonight has been some intellectual exercise rather than something you want to sit and enjoy. When I eat your food, it tastes like it was made with no love.

  Chef Slowik : Oh, this is ridiculous. We always cook with love. Everyone knows love is the most important ingredient.

  Margot : Then you're kidding yourself. Come on, Chef. I thought tonight was a night of hard home truths. This is one of them. You cook with obsession, not love. Even your hot dishes are cold. You're a chef. Your single purpose on this Earth is to serve people food that they might actually like, and you have failed. You've failed. And you've bored me. And the worst part is I'm still fucking hungry.

• Chef Slowik : It wasn't cod, you donkey. It was halibut.

• Margot : You know what I'd really like?

  Chef Slowik : Tell me.

  Margot : A cheeseburger.

  Chef Slowik : [the look in his eyes changes, and he even manages a smile]  We could do a cheeseburger.

  Margot : A real cheeseburger. Not some fancy, deconstructed, affluent bullshit, a *real* cheeseburger.

  Chef Slowik : I'll make you a very good, very traditional cheeseburger.

  Margot : I don't think you can.

  Chef Slowik : I'll make you feel as if you're eating the first cheeseburger you ever ate. The cheap one your parents could barely afford.

  Margot : Show me.

  Chef Slowik : How do you like it?

  Margot : Medium, American cheese.

  Chef Slowik : American cheese is the best cheese for a cheeseburger because it melts without splitting.

  Margot : How much will that set me back?

  Chef Slowik : $9.95.

  Margot : That come with fries?

  Chef Slowik : Neils?

  Chef : Yes, chef?

  Chef Slowik : Is the fryer still on?

  Chef : Yes, chef.

  Chef Slowik : Crinkle-cut, or julienne?

• Chef Slowik : So once again, thank you for dining with us tonight. You represent the ruin of my art and my life, and now you get to be a part of it. Part of what I hope is my... masterpiece. And now our final dessert course is a playful twist on a comfort food classic: The s'more. The most offensive assault on the human palate ever contrived. Unethically sourced chocolate and gelatinized sugar water imprisoned by industrial-grade graham cracker. It's everything wrong with us, and yet we associate it with innocence. With childhood. Mom and dad. But what transforms this fucking monstrosity is fire. The purifying flame. It nourishes us, warms us, reinvents us, forges and destroys us. We must embrace the flame. We must be cleansed. Made clean. Like martyrs or heretics, we can be subsumed... and made anew.

  Anne : [fearful submission]  Thank you.

  Chef Slowik : I love you all!

• Chef Slowik : The s'more. The most offensive assault on the human palate ever contrived.

• Chef Slowik : Ask yourselves, this entire evening, why didn't you all try harder to fight back? To get out of here? Honestly, you probably could have. Something to think about.

• Chef Slowik : Over the next few hours you will ingest fat, salt, sugar, protein, bacteria, fungi, various plants and animals, and, at times, entire ecosystems. But I have to beg of you one thing. It's just one. Do not eat. Taste. Savor. Relish. Consider every morsel that you place inside your mouth. Be mindful. But do not eat. Our menu is too precious for that. And look around you. Here we are on this island. Accept. Accept all of it. And forgive. And on that note... food!

• Margot : Now that... is a cheeseburger.

  Chef Slowik : Yeah. That is a cheeseburger.

  Margot : Unfortunately, I think my eyes were a little bigger than my stomach.

  Chef Slowik : Well, I understand.

  Margot : Can I get the rest to go?

  Chef Slowik : One moment, please. One cheeseburger to go. And a gift bag. Thank you for dining at Hawthorn.

• Chef Slowik : As Dr. King said: "We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor. It must be demanded by the oppressed."

• Chef Slowik : Jeremy, do you want my life?

• Chef Slowik : What do you need?

  Tyler : Leeks.

  Chef Slowik : Get the cook some leeks. This is your station here. What else do you need?

  Tyler : Uh, sh... sh...

  Chef Slowik : Shit, would you like some shit?

  Tyler : Shah, Shah, Shallots.

  Chef Slowik : Shallots for the great foodie, the phenomenal Mr. Food himself. Everybody gather round. You must learn from Tyler. This is a new uh, new dicing method of which we have been woefully ignorant. What next?

  Tyler : Uh, butter.

  Chef Slowik : Butter. Leeks and shallots sautéed in butter. I bear witness to a revolution in cuisine.

• Chef Slowik : Who are you?

  Margot : I. Am. Margot. Why do you care?

  Chef Slowik : Because. I need to know if you're with us or with them.

• Chef Slowik : Our next course will be presented by sous-chef, Katherine Keller.

  Katherine : Good evening, everyone. Three years ago, Julian Slowik tried to fuck me. I refused his advances. A week later, he tried again. And again, I refused. But he didn't fire me. No. He kept me in his kitchen, and refused to look me in the eye or speak directly to me for eight months. He can do that. Because he's the star. He's the man. Our next course is called Man's Folly.

• Chef Slowik : I want you to understand something, Margot. I am a monster. No, was a monster. And a whore. But tonight, everything I'm doing is pure. Egoless. And at last, the pain is almost gone. Chef's hands. Asbestos hands. I can carry a cast-iron from a hot oven to your table with no protection. I can no longer be hurt, Margot. As Dr. King said, 'We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor. It must be demanded by the oppressed.'

  Movie Star : Did he just quote Martin Luther King?

• [last lines] 

  Chef Slowik : I love you all!

  Sous-Chefs and Remaining Dinner Guests : [in unison]  WE LOVE YOU, CHEF!

• Chef Slowik : Ladies and gentlemen, please meet sous-chef Jeremy Louden. Jeremy created the next dish. It's called The Mess. Originally from Sparks, Nevada, Jeremy studied at the Culinary Institute in Hyde Park. Jeremy's goal, as he wrote in a heartfelt letter, was to work for me here at Hawthorn. Isn't that right, Jeremy?

  Jeremy : Yes, Chef.

  Chef Slowik : Jeremy is talented. He's good. He's very good. But he's not great. He'll never be great. He desperately wants my prestige, my job, my talent. He aspires to greatness, but he'll never achieve it. Correct, Jeremy?

  Jeremy : Yes, Chef.

  Chef Slowik : Like me at his age, Jeremy has forsaken everything to achieve his goals. Like mine, his life is pressure. Pressure to put out the best food in the world. And even when all goes right, and the food is perfect, and the customers are happy, and the critics are, too, there is no way to avoid the mess. The mess you make of your life, of your body, of your sanity, by giving everything you have to pleasing people you will never know. Jeremy... do you like this life? This life that you dreamed about?

  Jeremy : No, Chef.

  Chef Slowik : Mmm-hmm. And do you want my life? Not my position, nor my talent. My life.

  Jeremy : No, Chef.

  Chef Slowik : Ladies and gentlemen, your fourth course, sous-chef Jeremy's The Mess.

• Chef Slowik : My loyal regulars. How many times have you eaten here in the last five years?

  Richard : I don't know. Six or seven?

  Anne : I think it's more than that, Dick.

  Chef Slowik : Eleven. Eleven times. Most people consider themselves blessed if they eat here only once. Mr. Leibrandt, kindly name one dish you ate the last time you were here. Eleven times you take the boat out here where we introduce every dish every single time. We tell you exactly what we're feeding you. Please tell me one dish you ate the last time you were here. Or the time before. One. Please.

  Anne : Cod.

  Richard : What?

  Anne : Cod.

  Richard : Cod.

  Chef Slowik : It wasn't cod, you donkey. It was halibut. Rare, fucking spotted halibut.

  Anne : What does it matter?

  Chef Slowik : It matters to the halibut, Mrs. Leibrandt. And to the artist whose work turns to shit inside your gut. I've allowed my work to reach the price point where only the class of people in this room can access it. And I've been fooled into trying to satisfy people who could never be satisfied. Starting with her. But that's our culture, isn't it? And my restaurant is part of the problem.

• Chef Slowik : Do you wanna know why you're being punished?

  Movie Star : Sure.

  Chef Slowik : I saw the film Calling Doctor Sunshine, and I did not enjoy it.

  Movie Star : Wait, sorry?

  Chef Slowik : It was a Sunday. My one day off in months. The most precious day. The day where I was allowed to live. And I saw the film Calling Doctor Sunshine alone in the cinema.

  Movie Star : But look, I, I, I didn't direct it. I just acted in it.

  Chef Slowik : The memory of your face in that film, and seeing you again now haunts me. Drives me. What happens to an artist when he loses his purpose? It's pitiful.

• Chef Slowik : And please enjoy your gift bags. Um... Some goodies in there. A booklet of our local suppliers, some house-made granola, one of Doug Verrick's fingers, and a copy of tonight's menu.

• Chef Slowik : Folks, I'm afraid our menu cannot continue as planned until we deal with an unresolved matter. You.

  Tyler : Me?

  Chef Slowik : Mmm-hmm. You. Tell me why you're here.

  Tyler : You know, because I wanted to...

  Chef Slowik : Swallow first.

  Tyler : I wanted to experience your food, Chef.

  Chef Slowik : And what were you told? What were you told ahead of time?

  Tyler : You told me it'd be the greatest menu ever created.

  Chef Slowik : Right. And? And?

  Tyler : And that everyone would die.

  Chef Slowik : Everyone would die. You had a date. I seem to remember you had a date. Not the young woman here tonight, so what happened to her? Your date?

  Tyler : She broke up with me, Chef.

  Chef Slowik : So, you brought Margot.

  Tyler : Mmm-hmm.

  Chef Slowik : Mmm-hmm. Why?

  Tyler : 'Cause you don't offer seatings for one.

  Chef Slowik : So, you hired her knowing she'd die.

  Tyler : Yes.

  Margot : You entitled piece of shit! I'm gonna kill you, Tyler!

• Chef Slowik : The next course is called Memory. And that is what it's meant to evoke. A memory. So, let me tell you a memory of mine. When I was growing up, a child in Waterloo, Iowa, Tuesday was taco night.

  Movie Star : Oh, yeah!

  Chef Slowik : Taco Tuesday!

  Movie Star : Yeah!

  Chef Slowik : And this, here, this lady here. This is my mother. As you can see, she's rather drunk. This is not unusual. When I was seven years old, one Tuesday, my father came home quite drunk. Really drunk. Also, not unusual. My mother grew angry and screamed at him, at which point, he proceeded to wrap a telephone cord around her neck and pull it tight. I wept. I screamed, I begged him to stop. To make him stop, I finally had to stab him in the thigh with kitchen scissors. You remember that, Mother, don't you? Now, I suppose I should've stabbed him in the throat that evening. But we're not so smart when we're young. It was, as you can imagine, as a very memorable taco night.

• Chef Slowik : Bread has existed in some form for over 12,000 years, especially amongst the poor. Flour and water. What could be simpler? Even today, grain represents 65% of all agriculture. Fruits and vegetables only 6%. Ancient Greek peasants dipped their stale, measly bread in wine for breakfast. And how did Jesus teach us to pray if not to beg for our daily bread?

  Tyler : Beg for our daily bread.

  Chef Slowik : It is, and has always been, the food of the common man. But you, my dear guests, are not the common man. And so tonight... you get no bread.

• Chef Slowik : Our first course is called The Island. On your plate are plants from around the island, placed on rocks from the shore, covered in barely frozen, filtered seawater which will flavor the dish as it melts.

  Tyler : You know, this is what the guy was fishing for earlier...

  Chef Slowik : Sorry?

  Tyler : Um... Sorry, Chef.

  Chef Slowik : It's perfectly all right. Yes, they are those very same scallops. Now, here is what you must remember about this dish. We, the people on this island, are not important. The island and the nutrients it provides exist in their most perfect state without us gathering them or manipulating them, or digesting them. What happens inside this room is meaningless compared to what happens outside in nature, in the soil, in the water, in the air. We are but a frightened nanosecond. Nature is timeless. Enjoy.

  Margot : That's a cheery thought. Are you crying?

  Tyler : It's just that I find it all very moving. It's all so beautiful. I just... It's almost too beautiful to eat.

• Chef Slowik : So, the question is, do you wanna die with those who give, or with those who take?

  Margot : But I die either way? It's arbitrary.

  Chef Slowik : No, it's not arbitrary. Nothing in this kitchen is arbitrary. Please pick. These decisions are important, and, uh, our menu is strictly timed. In 15 minutes, I'll take a break between courses, and that is how long you have to decide. It's our side or theirs. In the meantime, please return to your seat. The next dish is exquisite.

• Chef Slowik : Who are you?

  Margot : Margot. My name is Margot.

  Chef Slowik : I've served many Margots. You're not a Margot. No.

  Margot : What the fuck does it matter?

  Chef Slowik : It matters because this menu, this guest list, this entire evening has been painstakingly planned. And you were not a part of that plan. And it's spoiling everything. In order to proceed, I have to know where to seat you. With us, or with them? It's really... It's very important.

  Margot : And then you'll let me live?

  Chef Slowik : Let you live? No! Of course not. Can't you see that that would ruin the menu? We're all gonna die tonight.

• Chef Slowik : We are but a frightened nanosecond. Nature is timeless. Enjoy!

• Chef Slowik : In this spirit, please enjoy the unaccompanied accompaniments.

  Felicity : "The bread you will not be eating tonight was made from a heritage wheat called red fife, crafted with our partners at the Tehachapi Grain Project devoted to preserving heirloom grains." This is insane.

  Movie Star : Mmm! I gotta say that the shit around the total absence of the bread is, like, really good.

• Chef Slowik : You haven't touched your food.

  Margot : There... There is no food.

  Chef Slowik : Well, no. This is food.

  Margot : So, um, lots more food to come. Don't wanna fill up.

  Chef Slowik : That would not be possible. I've precisely designed the portions to account for that. So, you won't fill up. Please eat. The menu only makes sense if you eat.

  Margot : But you told us not to eat.

  Chef Slowik : That is not what I meant, madam. And you know it.

  Margot : Well, thank you for your concern, but I am perfectly capable of deciding when I eat and what. Thank you.

• Chef Slowik : Do you hear it? Do you hear that silence? Listen, can you hear it? That silence means... I'm free.

• Chef Slowik : I guess I'm gonna have to make your decision for you. You belong here with your own breed.

  Margot : And what breed is that?

  Chef Slowik : With the shit shovelers. You thought I couldn't tell? Oh, I know a fellow service industry worker when I see one. Mr. Leibrandt. How do you know him? You've been eyeing him all evening.

  Margot : Well, I think you know.

  Chef Slowik : No, I don't. So, he paid for an experience. And I can tell, as one provider of experiences to another, that you don't rattle easily. So, how did he rattle you?

  Margot : He didn't rattle...

  Chef Slowik : Margot.

  Margot : He told me to agree with everything he said and continue eye contact while he jerked off.

  Chef Slowik : Wow. Specific.

  Margot : Not really. Pretty unoriginal. What rattled me is that he told me to tell him that he was a good man, and that I was his daughter, and that he loved me, and I loved him and...

  Chef Slowik : And so, he's a romantic.

• Bryce : He kept you open through COVID you prick, he did that!

  Chef Slowik : Yes, he did and he questioned my menu. He would even request substitutions despite the fact that there are no substitutions at Hawthorn! Fallen angel please.

• Chef Slowik : So, in a kitchen we all work together, or nothing works at all. We work as a team. You... Margot from Nebraska. You... You've betrayed our sacred bond of trust. And you've shown your craft to be careless. I was wrong. You're, you're an eater. You're a taker. Like all the rest.

• Chef Slowik : I've told you who I am. I'm Julian Slowik, and I am the chef here. Now, who are you? I'll ask again. Who are you?

  Margot : I'm Margot Mills.

  Chef Slowik : So, where are you from, Margot?

  Margot : I'm from Grand Island, Nebraska. Now, does that make you feel better? You want the address for Mom's trailer park, you asshole?

• Dale : Did anybody here call in a distress over the shortwave tonight?

  Chef Slowik : We're not in the habit of serving our guests shortwave radios with their meals.

• Chef Slowik : So, here you have house-smoked Bresse chicken thigh al pastor and our own tortillas made with heirloom masa, one of Hawthorn's signature dishes.

  Ted : Thank you.

  Chef Slowik : We change our menu constantly, but, as Ms. Bloom knows, this has been a staple since day one. It's what you once said...

  Lillian : Put you on the map.

  Chef Slowik : Put me on the map. Precisely what map would that be... I wonder. Anyways, because we're always innovating, and we fear irrelevance, an update to a classic. The images on the tortillas have been made using a laser-engraving machine. It's the first time we've used it. We hope this taco night evokes strong memories for us all. Enjoy.

• Chef Slowik : There's a saying. 'Sometimes all you need is a good cup of tea.' I learned that growing up in Bratislava. I've found that not only does tea cleanse the palate, but it offers a soothing balm when facing some hard home truths. But before we continue, are there any questions about me or Hawthorn? Any questions?

  Tyler : Is this bergamot I'm getting, Chef?

  Chef Slowik : Yes, it is.

  Movie Star : Chef?

  Chef Slowik : Yes?

  Movie Star : Uh, I think I speak for everybody here when I say that, uh... I wanna know... I mean, we wanna know...

  Soren : Why the fuck is this happening, man?

  Chef Slowik : Well, I'll tell you. Think of yourselves as ingredients in a degustation concept.

  Soren : What?

  Chef Slowik : A tasting concept. Figuratively speaking. I think that is the best way to describe it. But none of this should be a surprise to most of you.

• Tyler : [nervously Sautéing some lamb]  Oh, yeah, I think it's done, Chef.

  Chef Slowik : You think it's done. You're sure?

  Tyler : Mmm, hmm...

  Chef Slowik : [sarcastically]  Maybe you wanna jam it into the Pacojet?

  Tyler : No.

  Chef Slowik : Mmm. Wow. Wow. It's actually quite .. bad.

• Chef Slowik : Um, ladies and gentlemen, I wanna apologize to you all. What you just saw was not originally part of tonight's menu. We strive for perfection, which of course does not exist, and that is a hard truth for me to accept, so please forgive me. Come with me.