- Rabbi Schneiderman: [Sheldon consults a rabbi to explore becoming 'a Jewish person'] All right, here's what I'm gonna tell you to do: read your Bible.
- Sheldon Cooper: Already did. Cover to cover.
- Rabbi Schneiderman: Really!
- Sheldon Cooper: Quiz me.
- Rabbi Schneiderman: No, that's okay, I believe you. All right, my advice to you is to stay with the faith of your parents.
- Sheldon Cooper: What else y'got?
- Rabbi Schneiderman: Okay. Then I'm goin' to tell you to be your own man.
- Sheldon Cooper: But I want to be a great scientist like Albert Einstein!
- Rabbi Schneiderman: Sheldon, when your days are over, God will never ask you, 'Why weren't you Einstein?' But he might ask you, 'Why weren't you Sheldon?'
- George Cooper Sr.: Let me guess: you're here to complain about Sheldon's violin playing.
- Herschel Sparks: Under normal circumstances I'd say yeah, but since he started, my chickens been dropping eggs like crazy!
- George Cooper Sr.: That's weird.
- Principal Petersen: [about a pay raise] Well, are you threatening to quit if you don't get it?
- George Cooper Sr.: No, Tom. I'm threatening to rob a bank!
- Principal Petersen: All right! Well, let's not do that.