- Flint Dicker: Now it's time to exploit someone and call it an interview.
- [turns to Helen]
- Flint Dicker: How does it feel to be a loser?
- Helen: A what?
- Flint Dicker: A lifeguard.
- Helen: Well I've been one for about 3 hours now and I'm ready to quit!
- Flint Dicker: I'm Flint Dicker and you're watching the fucking news! It's a record pounding heat wave in this dog dick we call California. But don't take my word for it. Here's some assholes!
- Jurgen Klausvonscwitz: Is this purple? This feels like a purple to me. I said no secondary colors! That is for mine spring collection!
- Principal Morris: I don't think this is working out.
- Helen: I'm sorry Principal Morris, but I believe you have your head in your ass.
- Principal Morris: No, no, see, see, that language, that kind of language, we can't have that language here, you're the hall monitor for an elementary school for God's sake!
- Helen: Oh please, these kids are durable. Most of them go home to get molested.
- Principal Morris: I'm sorry Helen, but you're fired. Hand in your hall pass.
- Helen: [lifts up her shirt revealing her breasts] I'll hand you these!
- [Principal Morris vomits]
- Principal Morris: I don't think this is working out.
- Helen: I'm sorry Principal Morris, but I believe you have your head in your ass.
- Principal Morris: No, no, see, see, that language, that kind of language, we can't have that language here, you're the hall monitor for an elementary school for God's sake!
- Helen: Oh please, these kids are durable. Most of them go home to get molested.
- Principal Morris: I'm sorry Helen, but you're fired. Hand in your hall pass.
- Helen: [lifts up her shirt revealing her breasts] I'll hand you these!
- Lord Mingeworthy: Well we're British, you see, and where we're from, lesbians don't exist.
- Lady Mingeworthy: Neither does toothpaste.
- Lord Mingeworthy: Or sunshine.
- Lady Mingeworthy: Or good food.
- Lord Mingeworthy: Or sobriety.
- [Both laugh as they drink from flasks]
- Donna Phitts: When the hell am I gonna pass away?
- Sam: Oh cheer up, Ms. Grumpy Pants, and let's split this sandwich!
- [Sam takes out a knife to split the sandwich. Then Donna gets scared and screams]
- Sam: Jesus Christ, you don't trust me with nothin' no more!
- Donna Phitts: No shit Sherlock!
- Sam: That is it! This picnic is over! We're going home!
- Donna Phitts: You motherfucker!
- Sam: And to teach you a lesson, you are carrying everything back but mostly 'cause I don't wanna!
- Lord Mingeworthy: Excuse me, we're British and curious. What's going on here?
- Wedding Guest: They're re sinking their periods. It's so romantic!
- Lady Mingeworthy: We make a big deal out of weddings too.
- Lord Mingeworthy: Yeah!