- Narrator: One ordinary day in May, three magical Goddesses of Fate found themselves on the doorstep of a loveable college student named Keiichi Morisato. They had joy and laughter and many adventures together. And everyone was happy. Soon after their college days had ended, the Goddesses sold out and became an anime pop culture phenomenon that was shortly killed off two seasons later by the Evangelion movies. But now there was a new series to pick up the torch. But the series was beginning to become too much like a Doctor Who spinoff for its own good. So the writer set out to take the show back to its roots. This is that story.
- Urd: You know, it feels like something has been missing from this show. I can't quite put my finger on it.
- Megumi Morisato: I know what's missing. We used to fill our days trying to get Keiichi to lose his virginity with Belldandy. But now that we've succeeded, what left is there to do?
- Lind: Personally, I could give a fuck less about Keiichi's sex life... or anybody else's.
- Peorth: We need a new guy to work on. Somebody that we can really mess with.
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: This is starting to sound interesting. Who did you have in mind?
- Doctor What: Oh, hey girls, what's going on?
- Megumi Morisato: Oh Doctor? Could you humor us for a moment?
- Doctor What: This isn't another frivolous misuse of the Tardis trip, is it?
- Urd: No, we just had a question to ask... it's kind of stupid actually.
- Doctor What: Okay, shoot...
- Peorth: In movies and tv shows, does a character's sexual preference change based on the sexuality of the actor that plays him?
- Megumi Morisato: Like, if Doctor What is voiced acted by straight actor Charlie Day, and then one morning he finds himself being voice acted by openly gay actor Stephen Geoffreys...
- Peorth: You get where we're going with this? It's kind of a perplexing question, isn't it?
- Doctor What: You're right. It's a fucking stupid question. If Neil Patrick Harris plays a straight player in Harold and Kumar, does it make Neil Patrick Harris straight in real life? If Jim Carrey plays a gay con artist in I Love You Phillip Morris, does that mean real life Jim Carrey is gay? Come on, a performance is a performance. An actor's sexuality doesn't enter into it. Also in regards to Stephen Geoffreys, you should check out a movie called New Terminal Hotel.
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: So, what would Doctor What's sexual preference be?
- Doctor What: How the fuck should I know? Kevin from the Other Dimension never wrote it into the script. As far as I can tell, I've been too busy going on Super Happy Fun Time Magical Sci Fi Adventures to even think about it.
- Urd: Hey, I'll accept that answer. Doctor Who never got laid in the BBC show, either.
- Doctor What: Christ Fuck Almighty. You people get the strangest ideas in your heads, I swear... Catch you on the flip side.
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: Wait a minute... that's no answer to the question. We still don't know what his sexual preference is.
- Lind: Doctor What is right... who cares what his sexual preference is if he's too busy to care about it.
- Urd: Well, there's only one way to find out.
- Lind: Wait, are you suggesting that one of us should try to fuck him?
- Megumi Morisato: You want one of us to fuck Doctor Who?
- Lind: Naah, man, he's better than Doctor Who... he's Everybody's Favorite Public Access Time Lord.
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: Well, technically it's a Goddess with a Spirit. There wouldn't be any judgment gate issues, would there?
- Peorth: No, that's only for long term sexual relationships such as marriage.
- Megumi Morisato: Really? Then what was Belldandy's problem with Keiichi?
- Urd: It takes two to make that happen and she just wasn't ready yet. Hell, I once changed her bedroom to look like a Love Motel so she'd get the hint, and she told me I was sick and perverted.
- Peorth: You know, in a way, this might be a way to get back at Doctor What for all the shit he's put us through since his first appearance. Maybe we should make a game out of this... a competition if you will.
- Urd: What the hell would we stand to gain from this competition?
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: We'll steal Kevin from the Other Dimension's title as Emperor of the North Pole. That is, until such a time as the title holder is dethroned.
- Urd: Oh my god, you want us to cheat on each other?
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: No, I want us to cheat WITH each other.
- Urd: YOU WANT US TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH DOCTOR WHAT?
- Megumi Morisato: Whoa... dude... double points if you can fuck him in the time machine. That's gonna be a winner. But what if he turns out to be gay?
- Lind: After all the aggravation he's put us through, I don't care what his sexual preference is... I am going to hate sex that sad strange little man.
- Peorth: But how are we supposed to do this? One at a time, back to back?
- Lind: You want us to pull a train on Doctor What?
- Megumi Morisato: Dude, that is so messed up... and it defeats the purpose of a competition. We've got to find a way to do this on our own time.
- Urd: Let's get him. Oh Doctor! We're coming for you!
- Megumi Morisato: Doctor What? Hello? Is there anybody in here? Doctor What? Hello? Is there anybody in here?
- Sayoko Mishima: Doctor What? What are you doing in an Adult Video Store?
- Doctor What: It's the one place they'll never find me, my dear. The one place they'll never find me. Wait, what are you doing here?
- Sayoko Mishima: I work here. It's the only temp job I could get after the elevator incident.
- Doctor What: You work in a Adult Video Store? Sayoko! The Goddesses have gone completely crazy! It's like they think I'm gay and they're holding a contest to see who can sexually convert me!
- Sayoko Mishima: You lucky bastard.
- Doctor What: Oh come on! I'm supposed to be monogamous! I can't sleep with all of them!
- Sayoko Mishima: Well, what makes you think they're trying to sexually convert you?
- Doctor What: Well, according to the fan fiction screenplay, first there was the incident where a bunch of kids on a school bus got kidnapped by the Individual Me's for a Battle Royale scenario.
- Titles: STEPHEN GEOFFREYS and LIND THE VALKYRIE in DOCTOR WHAT. EPISODE: THE FLAMING SCHOOL BUS OF DEATH. WRITTEN BY KEVIN FROM THE OTHER DIMENSION.
- Lind: Hey... you did an excellent job saving that flaming school bus of children from the Individual Me's.
- Doctor What: But not good enough. I should have gotten to them before the bus driver got a chance to try and kidnap them.
- Lind: Apparently the Individual Me's watched a movie called Battle Royale and they wanted to live it out in real life.
- Doctor What: Uh... getting a little close there, aren't you?
- Lind: You know... looking back, I never really got the chance to thank you for your help during the Assault on Yggdrasil.
- Doctor What: If I recall, you threatened to have me erased from existence if they ever found me in the Yggdrasil System.
- Lind: Oh, come on now Doctor, can't a girl play hard to get.
- Doctor What: Hard to get? All right, what's really going on?
- Lind: I think you know what's going on... Don't lie to me, Doctor... you've been dying to fuck me ever since we first met.
- Doctor What: Oh, whoa! Are you feeling okay?
- Lind: Right about now. I'm past the point of 'Fuck It'. Let's get a room and finish this.
- Sayoko Mishima: So did you fuck her in the motel?
- Doctor What: Sayoko... what do you think I would do in a situation like that?
- Lind: Oh Ladies! You are looking at the new Empress of the North Pole!
- Megumi Morisato: WAIT, WHAT?
- Keiichi Morisato: Empress of the North Pole?
- Belldandy: What the hell does that mean?
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: It means she fucked Doctor Who...
- Lind: Naah, man! He's better than Doctor Who! He's Doctor What!
- Urd: Well, I guess that answers our question.
- Peorth: Oh my god, what was that like?
- Megumi Morisato: Oh yeah, well if I get my way, you won't be holding that title for long.
- Belldandy: Oh no, I think I understand this now. You're all back to meddling in people's relationships again.
- Keiichi Morisato: Didn't you people get enough of that with me? You used to do it to Belldandy and me all the time!
- Peorth: Yeah, we're kind of nostalgic for the good old days.
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: I must admit, it does sound like I was missing out.
- Urd: Oh, you have no idea how reluctant Keiichi really was. He took it all the way to the end of the series, and twenty three years into his marriage until we pulled an intervention.
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: Really? What happened?
- Belldandy: I fucked him so hard that he died of a heart attack and we had to go to the afterlife to rescue him.
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: BRAVO! BRAVO!
- Sayoko Mishima: So, you actually went through with it? You actually had sex with Lind? That's a pretty kickass payoff to the Assault on Yggdrasil episode.
- Doctor What: Now... I never said I had sex with her. She did. You have to be careful whose mouth the words are coming out of.
- Sayoko Mishima: So, did you have sex with her, or didn't you?
- Doctor What: We're getting there. Oh, but the plot thickens... Kevin from the Other Dimension has another scene planned where Megumi tried to fuck me on the spaceship from Joe Dante's Explorers.
- Titles: STEPHEN GEOFFREYS and MEGUMI MORISATO in DOCTOR WHAT. EPISODE: JOE DANTE'S EXPLORERS AND THE MILE HIGH CLUB. WRITTEN BY KEVIN FROM THE OTHER DIMENSION.
- Megumi Morisato: Doctor What? I need you to take me on a Super Happy Fun Time Magical Sci Fi Adventure.
- Doctor What: Sorry, got to put my foot down. No more frivolous trips with the Tardis.
- Megumi Morisato: Oh, this isn't frivolous. I heard that you can jump people into different movie universes. Like that time you took Keiichi and the Goddesses to a Pizza Hut in the Ralph Bakshi universe.
- Doctor What: Sounds interesting... what specific movie did you have in mind?
- Megumi Morisato: All my life, my greatest dream has been to go on a spaceship ride in Joe Dante's Explorers.
- Doctor What: Joe Dante's Explorers?
- Megumi Morisato: Can you do it, Doctor? Can you take me on this Super Happy Fun Time Magical Sci Fi Adventure?
- Megumi Morisato: WOO-HOO! YEAH! I LOVE JOE DANTE'S EXPLORERS! I FUCKING LOVE IT!
- Doctor What: Oh man, you were right! This was a great idea! Joe Dante's Explorers rocks!
- Megumi Morisato: Yeah, but it's a little cramped though.
- Doctor What: Of course it's cramped. I feel like I'm riding in a Yugo designed for outer space travel. If you put two guys in here, and one of them got an erection, it would be an instant homosexual experience.
- Megumi Morisato: Hey, do you mind if I put on some music?
- Olivia Newton-John: [singing] Let's get Physical! Physical! I wanna get Physical! Let's get Physical! Let me hear your Body Talk! Your Body Talk! Let me hear your Body Talk!
- Doctor What: Uh... Megumi... why are you trying to unbuckle my pants?
- Megumi Morisato: I think you know why I really brought you here. You see, my dream wasn't just to ride in the spaceship. My dream was to get FUCKED IN IT!
- Doctor What: What the- OH GOD, NOT AGAIN!
- Megumi Morisato: SHUT UP AND FUCK ME, DOCTOR!
- Megumi Morisato: Oh, wow... now tHAT was a Doctor Who adventure for the ages.
- Doctor What: Okay, I don't know what's going on here... but you girls have got some serious issues.
- Megumi Morisato: Was it everything you hoped and dreamed for, Doctor?
- Doctor What: No, not really...
- Megumi Morisato: WAIT, WHAT?
- Doctor What: I mean... it was all that and more.
- Megumi Morisato: You're Goddamn Fucking Right it was... try and beat that, Cool World.
- Sayoko Mishima: Wow, so you've managed to fuck Lind AND Megumi. I'm impressed.
- Doctor What: Now, hold on here, I'm not finished with the story yet.
- Megumi Morisato: Ladies, you are looking at the New Empress of the North Pole.
- Skuld: Empress of the North Pole? What does that mean?
- Belldandy: Skuld, I don't really think you want to know what that means.
- Skuld: I can always google it.
- Urd: Yeah, but you won't understand it.
- Belldandy: Megumi, don't grow too close to Doctor What unless you're serious, or you may never see him again. Remember what happened to me and Keiichi?
- Megumi Morisato: Once again proving that you solve all of life's problems with a motorcycle race. Relax, it was a one night stand.
- Skuld: ONE NIGHT WHAT? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DOCTOR WHAT?
- Megumi Morisato: I took him around the world in the spaceship from Joe Dante's Explorers.
- Skuld: YOU DIRTY SLUT! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!
- Belldandy: It must be hard being Empress of the North Pole.
- Urd: Oh no, she doesn't. I'm not letting that title go to a human. Oh, Natsumi... it's time for Operation Triangle.
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: I thought you'd never ask.
- Sayoko Mishima: Oh my god... it does sound like they're holding a contest to sexually convert you. So how does this all end?
- Doctor What: Well now... that's the million dollar question, isn't it?
- Sayoko Mishima: Well, look on the bright side, I'm not trying to get into your pants. And you're welcome to hang out here, provided you don't mind being seen in an Adult Video Store.
- Doctor What: I'm so sorry. I didn't know your life was going to turn out this way. Surely there must be something we can do to get you back on the right track.
- Sayoko Mishima: You're looking at this from the wrong perspective. At least I'm still alive, the rent is paid, and there's food on the table. When I was at my lowest, you saved me from a fate worse than death... and I'll never forget it. No matter who you looke like.
- Doctor What: You know what movie this reminds me of?
- Sayoko Mishima: Is it Kevin Smith's Clerks?
- Doctor What: No, it's Jean-Pierre Jeunet's Amelie. It's a romantic comedy from the guy that made Delicatessen and The City of Lost Children. The one where Audrey Tautou goes around meddling in everyone's relationship as a matchmaker, but who's there to help her with her relationships? It ends up being some guy that works in an Adult Novelty Store.
- Sayoko Mishima: Oh, that is so sweet of you to remember that movie. I'll have to Netflix it.
- Doctor What: Yeah, that is the sweetest romantic comedy ever. And it's got Dominique Pinon.
- Sayoko Mishima: You know what other Audrey Tautou movie I love... Mood Indigo. It's from the director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The third act is depressing as fuck all, but the first half of the movie is magical. It truly feels like a movie that I've never seen before.
- Doctor What: Yeah, it's too bad I never had you as a travelling companion. I would gladly jump us into the world of Amelie.
- Sayoko Mishima: Yeah... well, if the offer is still open sometime... maybe...
- Doctor What: Well, I know it's not exploring the galaxy, but the world of the movies feels safer to me. It's an enlightening and educational experience that nobody knows the feeling of. Most of my travellers take it for granted.
- Sayoko Mishima: I've got a perfect Super Happy Fun Time Magical Sci Fi Adventure for you. How about the hollywood musical world of La La Land?
- Doctor What: Oh, whoa, that's a little too new. Have to respect the copyright issues.
- Sayoko Mishima: Yeah, but look on the bright side. Not even the Individual Me's can touch us in that universe.
- Doctor What: Yeah, it's a universe of safety and love and heartbreak and musical wonder and emotions. But you can't ignore what's going on in this universe. Without this universe, the other one would never exist. And neither of us want to live in a world without Amelie, Mood Indigo, and La La Land.
- Sayoko Mishima: That's okay, we'll always have home video and repertory screenings. They often say that the destruction of every major society often showcases itself in the arts. It's just subconscious to the people that write them.
- Doctor What: And what do you think that says about this alternate universe that Kevin from the Other Dimension created? What does this universe say about the world we live in today?
- Sayoko Mishima: That the real world is a scary place. And it cannot be glossed over and ignored. But there are still things worth fighting for. And love and the arts are one of them. Look at that Burt Lancaster movie The Train. A World War II movie about a resistance group trying and dying to stop the Nazis from stealing all of the best art from France.
- Doctor What: Sayoko... thank you... it's time to go face my problems.
- Sayoko Mishima: What can I say. You make good conversation.
- Doctor What: What the- what are you two doing here? Oh no, not again. Look, I appreciate the offer, but I really don't want to.
- Natsumi Tsujimoto: Oh no, we don't want to be Empresses of the North Pole.
- Urd: We just thought it'd be nice to give you something different for a change.
- Doctor What: You know I didn't really sleep with Lind and Megumi, right?
- Urd: Say what again?
- Doctor What: Oh, they didn't lie. In their character's own minds they did it. But according to the meta nature of Kevin from the Other Dimension's writing, the story cut away from those scenes and didn't actually show the sex. And as we all know... if it ain't on the page, it ain't on the stage.
- Skuld: Still thinking outside the box, Doctor? I knew you were better than lowering yourself to cheap one night stands.
- Doctor What: Oh, I'm sure that special someone is out there somewhere. If I can ever finally contribute to stopping the Individual Me's.
- Urd: But you can't stop all of them all of the time. You have to find time for love sometime.
- Doctor What: ...maybe I already have.