- Tony: But I guess a good day is when I don't go around wanting to shoot strangers in their face, and then turn the gun on myself.
- Tony: If I become an arsehole, and I do and say what the fuck I want for as long as I want, and then when it all gets too much, I can always kill myself. It's like a superpower.
- Tony: Hardly scarred for life. She's 93. If she lives to 100, she's only been scarred for 7% of her life.
- Tony: [Pretending to discipline his dog] What? He's not a fat, hairy nosy coc*sucker, bad girl, Brandy!
- Tony: There's no advantage to being nice and thoughtful and caring and having integrity. It's a disadvantage, if anything.
- Tony: Here's what's what: humanity is a plague. We're a disgusting, narcissistic, selfish parasite, and the world would be a better place without us. It should be everyone's moral duty to kill themselves. I could do it now. Quite happily just go upstairs, jump off the roof, and make sure I landed on some cunt from accounts.
- Tony: Does that usually work, does it? To most people, the threat of death is worse than giving you money. Or they're worried you'll hurt their family. I haven't got any family. I'm not gonna go into it, but I don't care about anything anymore. I'm not giving you any money.
- Lisa: It's no one's fault what's happened. Don't go blaming the world. You know how grumpy you get when things don't go your way. But you've got such a good heart. You're born like it. You can't contrive it. You're just decent. I knew it, first time I met you. Hit me like a bolt of lightning. And I've loved you ever since.
- Tony: [Holds up two cans of food, asking his dog which one she prefers] Baked beans or vegetable curry?
- Tony: It's hard for me to throw myself into my work, when my work is often talking to a plumber on the estate who's grown a potato that looks like Lionel Richie.