Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #16.9 (2018)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: Republicans have to stop pretending they hate it when celebrities give their political opinions. Please, you're the party that made Reagan president.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : It's... it's not our fault that your celebrities are Ted Nugent, Pat Sajak, and Donald Trump. James Woods? His last credit was on a MasterCard bill.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Scott Baio? The only thing he's been in recently that made headlines was his co-star.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Antonio Sabato, Jr. was an underwear model who all the other underwear models referred to as "the dumb one."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And after he spoke at the last Republican convention, he claimed he was blacklisted in Hollywood. Blacklisted? Blacklist would be an upgrade.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He... he wasn't on any list. He'd be lucky to get on a "do not call" list.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : You'd have to run him *into* show business.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And he's running for Congress now, as is "Clueless" actress Stacey Dash, who was also in the movie "Clueless."

• Himself - Host : At Obama's inaugural gala, he had Beyonce, Springsteen, Sheryl Crow, Bon Jovi, Mellencamp, Usher, Stevie Wonder, Garth Brooks, Tom Hanks, Denzel, and U2. Trump's inauguration had Jackie Evancho and the rock band 3 Doors Down. As in "three doors down from fame."

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And then there's Dana Loesch, who America has come to know as the firery voice of the NRA, blaming gun violence, and all our problems, on Hollywood and its liberals.

  [a clip of Loesch is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Yes. Yes, I know what you're thinking: "who hurt you, Danica Patrick?"

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But what you may not know about Dana Loesch is that before her job as NRA spokesmodel, she was a show business wannabe, a homemaker in St. Louis with a mommy blog and a radio show and dreams of TV stardom. "NCIS" producer Paul Guyot says that ten years ago, Dana pitched him a sitcom, starring herself, as, quote, "a hot young mom who does a far-right radio show." Think "Frasier" meets awful.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And you know what? If only they had made that sitcom, today she might be a completely normal person. Instead, we're all getting "the clenched fist of truth" because show business gave her the raised finger of "fuck off."

• Himself - Host : The same thing happened to both the founder of the right-wing Breitbart website, Andrew Breitbart, who admits he came to Hollywood "with the hope that I'd eventually become a comedy writer", and to his successor there, Steve Bannon, also a show biz reject who didn't have the talent to cut it here, and so spent the rest of his life hating Hollywood and by extension, all liberals. In his memoir, Breitbart mentions Reagan six times. And me thirty-four times.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : True. He calls celebrities elitist pestilence, with their cocktail parties on the west side; "God, I fucking hate them", he said. Which is funny, because you know, for years, you know who I'd always see at cocktail parties on the west side? Andrew Breitbart.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Oh, he... he hated Hollywood; hated it, hated it, hated it, mostly from his home in America's heartland, Brentwood.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : As for Bannon, George Clooney remembers him as, quote, "a schmuck who..."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "... who literally tried everything he could to sell scripts." Including, this is true, a rap musical of Shakespeare's "Coriolanus". Think "Hamilton", but instead of Founding Fathers, Romans, and instead of "cultural phenonmenon", "piece of shit."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Bannon lost his shirt on that deal, but luckily he was wearing three more.

• Himself - Host : But trust me, if Bannon could have sold a screenplay, or Breitbart a sitcom, they wouldn't have ended up ranting and raving about cocktail parties on the west side; they'd be attending them. And in Bannon's case, finishing the drinks people left on the table.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Including the ones with a cigarette in them.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And so... that is why I implore tonight, all Hollywood execs, next time a conservative comes to you with a really dumb idea for a movie or a TV show, just fucking do it.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : We... we need affirmative action for Republicans in show business. They're not good enough to make it on their own, but if we give them a leg up, maybe they won't take their rejection out on the whole country, huh, people?